Stop & Stare.....

Before setting up www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com ....I often posted things in a couple other places....going to reprint a few here....so I can keep some of the ones that resonate with me together in one place....

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Stop and Stare Current mood: contemplative

If Jesus walked by you----at your office----or when you were out with your friends----and He looked at YOU----and you knew it was Jesus....and He SAW your heart....and you knew it was Jesus....how would you feel?!?!

Interesting question. That's how Del opened our service this morning.....with that question. Then we sang "Heart of Worship"....you know the part that says...."You search much deeper within...Through the way things appear....You're looking into my heart..."

Always reminds me of Abbi singing it that time in Manteo accompanied by....LOL...Matthew! Funny. Everyone knows I don't believe in coincidences.
It was another one of God's little nudges.....He has had me "looking harder" for a couple of weeks now....

Then right out of the gate.....opening line of the monologue......GUYS DO GOSSIP!!!

Whoa. Another hit really close to home. And he was being gender specific. LOL!!! And then.....all of the power went off. In a sudden, abrupt way. And that's when I knew.....what was coming next was going to be important....and that Satan really, really wanted me to be distracted and disrupted!

A lot of this is paraphrased from Del's message....and then peppered with my own thoughts and insights. If you are reading this, just know that the really good stuff that makes sense is probably something Del said!!!

Take a look at yourself.....and others around you that you care about. Most likely things will look good on the outside....cuz that's what we like to do.....put up a big front because it makes us look more successful, more approachable, happier. Behind the scenes, though, there is a struggle going on and lots of turmoil.

The story in today's message was based on Jesus' first encounter with Matthew. However, much of what was said could just have easily been taken from the pages of our own stories.....so in order to be universal....I am going to use he/she ---and maybe you/me----instead of Matthew or "he" in the telling here.

The things we see in ourselves, we generally don't like. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have friends who see things---really good and positive things--- in us that we can't see, choose not to see, or have forgotten were even there. When Jesus looks at you/me He sees things that maybe no one has ever seen before.

Here's what he/she sees:

He/she does not like his/her career.....he/she does not like the types of relationships they are pursuing....he/she doesn't really like him/herself very much...even though it's hard to admit that or even put a finger on what's missing

He/she knows that God has a life of glory planned for him/her. But somehow, he/she lost it along the way. He/she came to think that the way to find "it" was to go after what he/she wanted.....so he/she is living life chasing after every type of gratification....wondering why the satisfaction is fleeting, momentary and overtime has become so numb that nothing ever feels like much of anything at all....At the end of the day, he/she feels lousy about the life he/she is living but doesn't have a clue how to change or the energy to even make the effort or the hope for anything better

His/her relationships are based on his/her lifestyle and getting what he/she wants....and these relationships---with rare exception---have no substance or depth......and he/she really doesn't like the people he/she is running with....it's just easy to co-exist with others who have no expectations or respect for themselves or others....just like him/her.

Honestly. He/she----me/you----we simply don't like ourselves and how we are living.

Bleah!

At this point, I had to stop and give some serious thought to something that has been troubling me all weekend. On Friday, two people that I really like did something that really disappointed me.....actually, it disgusted me.....and yes, I will admit it hurt me on some deeper level. It's not like I don't have a realistic understanding of how they "present" themselves.....I do. It's just that in coming to know them I have begun to respond more to the things I see that they keep hidden so much of the time. So I was confused by what I actually saw for myself. Then later, when I was confronted by the other person who was involved in the exchange and she shared how disturbing it had been for her.....how lousy it made her feel.....and how the exchange took her completely off-guard..surprising to her because she expects so much more from me and since these were my friends she expected the same integrity from them......it was like a punch in the gut....a slap in the face....I don't know.....it was just lousy for everyone.

Hmmm.....so how does the actions of my friends reflect my view of myself?!?! She expected them to be different because of her view of me....and they are my friends....so is the reality that I am really losing sight of WHO I am ....am I choosing friends who don't really have much respect for themselves or others because that's how I am beginning to feel about myself? Or is our growing friendship based on their desire to make new friends who reflect more of WHO they really want to be....positive, confident, and respected for who they are and how they live?!?
I know that may sound a little arrogant. But for all of my moments of self-doubt, I do know that I choose to live my life openly, honestly, and with integrity. That I treat others with the same courtesty and respect I expect for myself. And I know from my interactions with people on all levels, that for the most part I am viewed in positive light.

There's quite a bit more depth to that situation and even to that story.... and I am still working through it.....not going to share more about that now.

Reminds of the song, "Stop & Stare" by OneRepublic......"I've become what I can't be....do you see what I see?!?!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhpqXbndFvQ

The video is very powerful. Even if you are familiar with the song....if you are at all stalled in your life it should hit home.

Back to Matthew's specific case-----he was a tax collector remember----and the law dictated that he collect $1000 from each but it allowed him to keep whatever he collected over that amount. At the end of the day when he recorded $1200 instead of $1000 beside your/my name, there was a sinking sensation deep inside of him reminding him that he didn't like WHO he had become.....

Gosh! Haven't we all been there?!?! And yet me/you.....we get up day-after-day and do it all again.....because why?!?! Cuz we are idiots!!!

So Jesus walks by.....and sees us.....and we know it's Him and that He's seeing our hearts.....now that's pretty humbling, depressing and humiliating. At least it is for me!

Here's what He sees.....

He sees a MAN/WOMAN. That's right. He sees the identity of who we really are and He thinks, "Hmmmm.....I know he/she has sold her soul for something.....to get what he/she wants ....but that's ok......the man/woman he/she can become is still in there.....just waiting for a chance to shine!"

He sees a "gift"......from God. Even though we are not all named "Matthew" which literally means "a gift from God".....we are all "Matthews." Not that you/I---he/she----recognizes it......or can even wrap around the idea of that. You/I---we hear all of the voices from the past......relive all of the failures and disappointments.....and think to ourselves...."I pity the person who receives ME as a gift!"

*Sigh* This has been a huge personal struggle for me. The whole idea of being a "gift" to anyone. I get up every single morning and try to encourage myself. Since I have been struggling with the concept of invisibility.....I say to the woman I see there in the mirror...."You are special. There is nothing wrong with the way you look. If others don't see you and value you it's NOT that something is wrong with you....it's that something is wrong with THEM!"

Wish I could say that it works all the time.....it doesn't.....but it has helped. I still realize that people look at me....but they don't really see me. And I also know that sometimes it's because I have my walls in place.....and since it's not easy to see "in" they simply don't make the effort....and that's ok,too....i guess.....invisible

So he/she is tired and weary.....and bored with all of the things he/she sees about his/herself that he/she doesn't like. His/her choices have pulled him/her a long way from realizing the "gift" they are.

My favorite piece of advice to my children and friends has always been "Never, ever forget YOU are the prize!!!" Funny that I can so quickly share it but have such difficulty in accepting it for myself.

He/she feels he is wasting his/her life....he/she has lost his/herself along the way. He/She says "What kind of life is this?!? My parents/friends are ashamed of me. I am ashamed of myself. My life is a deadend....I have no hope for anything more in the future. Isn't there something more than this?!?!"

All of us have a tagline for ourselves. Matthew always referred to himself as "Matthew, the tax collector" because that's WHO he had become. And that was not a popular thing is his society and it was certainly not WHO he wanted to be. Whatever he/she tags onto his/her name or identity is what defines the life he/she is living.....the who he/she has become.

"Mary Jane, the invisible"...."Mary Jane, the locked up and guarded"....."Mary Jane, the icky ole witch"...."Mary Jane, the Head 'Ho"...."Mary Jane, the failure as a woman/wife"....

LISTEN TO ME....it's Mary Jane, the professional friend....Mary Jane, that makes-it-happen .....Mary Jane, who isn't afraid to stand up for what's right.....Mary Jane, there's nothing wrong with the way you look....

Invisible.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! I am none of those things! I am MARY JANE. And you are _________(put YOUR name there) and not any of the things that the voices inside us are telling us we are!

And Jesus sees that in me....in you....in each of us! And what's even cooler is that He puts people in our lives who see those things in us that He sees.

Well, maybe He does in his/her life.....not sure about mine. Ha. Anyone who really knows me well knows that it is one of my strong characteristics......which is often more of a negative to me than a positive.....the ability to look past the way things appear and see the goodness....the specialness....the lost qualities in the people I choose for my friends......and I see those things even when others assure me that I am wrong and that's not WHO he/she is.....and I continue to believe in those things after everyone else has given up and walked away......and in moments of extreme self-pity, I ask, "Ok, where are the people who are willing to see ME and still hang around while I wallow some more in my pit?!?"

The truth is that I do KNOW who you are. I have amazing friends. I would be lost without you.....and each of you KNOW who you are!

So Jesus and the friends He sends to believe in us say...."Come on. Be near me. I want you to be my friend. Follow me. You are going to make a difference."

There is a confidence in him/her----you----that you can do what others/and you don't believe you can do. YOU are the prize, remember?!?!

And here's another universal truth. Standing UP feels good. Life has a way of bringing me/you down. Of saying, just sit down in that pit you are in....wallow around.....if it feels good, even for minute, do it....shut up....accept the embarrassment you have become!"

Friends who see you/me ====the way we want to be----yearning to come out----say, "Get UP!

Walk! Heck, RUN! Find the life that God created you to live!"

Yet voices, including his/hers....mine/yours.....say, "Stay put! It's not so bad here. It's easy. And why take the risk?!?! Besides, it might mean making an effort, too?!? Oh, yeah....and don't foget about the change!!! Change is hard work....and it usually hurts, too.....so why bother?!!? It's not really so bad here, now is it?!?"

Friends encouarge saying "Move forward. See what's out beyond! Move into a new chapter!"
Matthew finally decided that he wanted to live as MATTHEW....and not the tax collector. He called together all his buddies and had a party. He said, "Listen! I am not going to settle any more....I am not going to live my life this way any more. You are not going to drag me down any more! Why not come along with me?!? Let's take the chance together....let's choose to LIVE rather than just exist."

Real friends and buddies never drag me/you down. If the relationships in your/my life are ones that evolved from the lousy lifestyle we've been living then they are probably relationships that help to suck the life out of you/me!

Those friends and buddies are probably not going to tag along on the new adventure! That's ok. The few who really see you/me for WHO we really are will step a little closer.....and new friends who share the same idea of being real and free and happy and fulfilled will find their way to your/my life, too.

So now what?!?! Lots and lots to think about!