That's what I told a friend the other day ... I have known ever since I said it that it was how I was going to start my next blog post. It seems appropriate somehow.
As I've been turning my house upside down ... moving Jessi from the upstairs to the downstairs ... and me from the downstairs to the upstairs ... I've been knee deep in boxes of stuff ... stuff that needs to be discarded. And this time ... I am going to do it ... I am determined to let go of some of the junk ... put it on the curb ...
... and hope that it's someone else's treasure ... or not.
I know what I have to do. Del said it outloud last Sunday. Of course he did. Because it's time for me to hear it ... time for me to do it.
Drew opened the service with the song, "More Like Falling In Love"
Great. A set-up. Then Del said a few words.
"When I get to the message this morning, I am going to speak to you ... simply ... about ... TO LIVE...
to give love & to receive love ... that's how you find life."
So there I am. Standing next to Jessi as the singing begins. She loses herself in the music. Hands raised. Pure, innocent joy on her face. Loving God with her whole heart. Abandoned.
... and God whispers in my ear, " Well done, MJ. You have loved her well & it shows in her life."
Immediately I am humbled ... and ashamed ... for feeling so overwhelmed & burdened at times ... funny ... Jessi was the one who taught us all ... me ... to hear Him when He whispers into my ear ... to listen with an open heart.
And there was the truth. Stark & bare.
We are all a reflection of how we are loved by the people who love us. Ouch. Hurting people hurt people.
My inability to receive love is a result of the love that has been offered to me ... by the people who were supposed to love me ...
And there was the truth. Stark & bare.
We are all a reflection of how we are loved by the people who love us. Ouch. Hurting people hurt people.
My inability to receive love is a result of the love that has been offered to me ... by the people who were supposed to love me ...
Del returned to the platform to present his message.
"If you want to LIVE ... you have to look at what's killin' you."
Simple. Yeah. Right. Whatever.
Still, I know it's time. To tend to the wounds. To clean them out deeply. To stop just putting a topical ointment on them & covering them up with a band-aid. Pretending that healing is taking place.
It was a powerful message. And there were too many references to ME ... specific words & phrases ... for me to even argue "coincidence" .
The word "unravel" was even tossed out there. Not a common,
run-of-the-mill word. It's one that God uses whenever He is trying to get my attention ... to bring me back around ... to that place that I have spent a lifetime running from ... my heart.
run-of-the-mill word. It's one that God uses whenever He is trying to get my attention ... to bring me back around ... to that place that I have spent a lifetime running from ... my heart.
I am just like everyone else. I know. I want things to get "fixed" without going through the healing process. Healing is much deeper than a quick fix. And it often hurts.
The deeper than wound. The more painful the healing. Guess that's where the ole adage "No pain, no gain" comes from. I don't know.
Healing involves ... requires ... exposing the wound ...
To LIVE I must look at the things that are destroying me ...
"I'm going to let you see me ... but I'm not going to let you see all of me ..."
To LIVE I must look at the things that are destroying me ...
"Just let me get those things fixed, MJ ... once those things are taken care of then I will start living like the man I really am"
I wish it worked that way. That everything would get fixed and then I would be free to live the life I want to be living. It's the other way around. God uses the things that are killin' me to expose the need for healing ... in my heart.
Since Sunday, I have spent some time with my hurts ... my wounds ... ripping off the band-aids ... removing the scabs ... stripping away the scar tissue ... it's out in the open ... I am looking at it ...
... and it hurts. A lot.
This time, though, I am ready. To accept the truth. The truth about others. The truth about myself.
Hurting people hurt people. Yeah, I've known that a long time. I can't fix their hurts ... they must examine their own wounds ... their own hearts. And those feelings of "unworthiness" ... of "undesirablilty" ... are their truths ... not mine. Love doesn't tear you down ... it builds you up.
It's really very simple.
Never, ever forget ... YOU are the prize!
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer 2010
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