What If I Can't Wait?

Earlier in the week, I was invited to an event ... that didn't really go as planned ... technical difficulties & such.  I arrived "on time" and while our host was scurrying around trying to get everything up & running, I visited with his other friends & guests.

Met some very cool people there.  Each one had a vision ... a mission ... a passion ... a story.

One of the ladies shared some of her poetry while we were waiting.  She even went to her car to get her hand-written draft of a piece that came to her as she was driving one day.  It was a description of her perfect man ... partner ... friend.

Amazing.  After reading the desires of HER heart, I told her that she captured vividly ... in her own words ... what so many women were searching for ... longing for ... including me. 

It reminded me of the very long, in-depth description of my perfect man that came from the humorous eharmony experiment ... right after my divorce. The one that resulted in ZERO matches in the entire universe of eharmony  ... not a single man out of the 10 million subscribers ... that would fit me ... even imperfectly.

Of course, I shared the story with her ... and the others hanging out there drinking punch & eating cookies.  It's one of my favorite stories, after all.  Especially when I add the part about how I went back 2 years later and took the whole personality analysis thing ... again ... printed out the description of my perfect man ... again ...

And in the side-by-side, line-by-line comparision ... the two were almost 100% identical ... only a sentence or two that came back slightly different in the second attempt ...

Seriously.  What are the odds of that happening?  Answering a hundred or so random questions ... two years apart ... and coming up with the same results ...

Yep.  Same description of the perfect man.  Same number of matches on eharmony ... ZERO.

Interesting thing is ... if I take her simple lines of poetry and lay them on top of the eharmony description ... it's the perfect  outline of the multi-page narrative ... very, very powerful message ... in that encounter.

It's a God-thing. No doubt.

In a totally different conversation this week ... about totally different things ... the subject of match.com was raised by a friend.  It was about the other person's experiences there ... not mine.

Still it reminded me of the time that a friend who lives very far away ... and hadn't seen me in years & years at the time ... decided that she was going  to "help" me find some interesting men  ... because she was worried about me ... not dating since my divorce.

She put in three key words that she thought described me ... she picked them out of a story I had shared where one of my closest male friends had told me what he thought were the best things about me ... she said she liked what he said & the adjectives she chose were ones that described the MJ she remembered, too.

So three key words ... an age span of 5 years younger to 5 years older ... located in a 100 mile radius of my zip code ... not too specific ... she was positive she would come up with a variety of interesting men for me.

The results came to me in an email.  With her hypothesis for the experiment ... and the not-so-surprising result ...

There was only ONE match. Only one man in the entire universe of match.com who was "looking" for a woman "just like me".

Her advice, though, was to subscribe to match.com IMMEDIATELY and send this man a message ... because after reading his essay "there is no doubt that he is looking for you, MJ!"

Click. Open profile.  It was hilarious. 

The man in the picture knew exactly where to find me ... then .. that was 2 years ago ... he still does ... whatever.

All of my single friends ... male AND female ... are looking for someone ... to share a little bit of life.  That's pretty much what we were talking about when match.com came up.  It's like the wal-mart for dating ... all of the different sites ... lonely people hoping to find magic ... browsing through pictures & essays ... sending messages to strangers hoping that they are really who they say they are ...

It's never worked for me.  The online dating thing. 

During the course of our conversation, I shared my idea of what a great relationship looks like ... and the highlights of what I was looking for in a man.  My friend shook his head.  "It'll never happen, MJ.  You're never going to find that.  It doesn't exist."

He's probably right. 

Still I know what I want ... I even have it in writing so I don't forget who I'm looking for ... twice confirmed with a third blessing over it now.

Randomly, online dating ... has come up all through the week.  People sharing stories about how they've met people through match.com, eharmony and the like ... or they've known people who have found their "perfect" partner that way. 

It works for some people ... sometimes ... I know.

Since I don't believe in coincidences, I figured there might be some reason why all of these "match" references were popping up.  So out of curiosity, I decided to do a little "browsing" just to see if there were any new faces since my last look a couple of years ago. 

Imagine my surprise.  There was a profile on there ... of a man who sounds just right for me ...

And, no, it's not the one that turned up as the "only" match in the past ... even though he is still to be found there ... apparently still looking ...

Anyway ... back to the story ... if the man who ... in his own words ... described exactly what I shared with my friend over lunch ... is really who he says he is ... and really wants what he says he wants ... then he might might be looking for me ... and, if so ...

He won't find me there ... on match.com.

Do you think I should tell him? 
Or do you think he will figure it out on his own?

What if I can't wait?

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer 2010

Fearless ...

Will you roll the dice? 

That was the question at the end of an early morning email ... and, no , it wasn't an advertisement for one of the casinos that are within easy driving distance of here.

Ambivalent. Lethargic. Stalled.

It wasn't a junk email thing.  It was sent specifically to me.  So I guess that it's a REAL question.

Will I roll the dice?  Emphasis on the "I".

And I am thinking ... sure ... I'll take the chance ... just show me what it is that I am "chancing" ...

It's been a gorgeous week outside & still I am somehow on hold ... with everything.  Well, except I have persevered in the upstairs-to-downstairs-to-upstairs transitions in my house.  Somehow I think that a change as simple as that is going to have a tremendous impact on Jessi ... and me.  A positive impact!

Will I roll the dice?

In a fun little Facebook conversation on a friend's wall, a couple of people who knew me better back-in-the-day than they do today weighed in on the MJ they remembered. 

Fearless.  That's how she remembers me.  Or so she says. 

And everytime she says it, I shake my head in wonder.  This gal knew me in elementary school.  We were Brownies together.  And off-and-on throughout those coming-of-age years we shared a whole bunch of other experiences, too.

Fearless.  That's what her comment said last nite.  Her memory of me.  Then another friend chimed in:

"Yes, MJ, fearless!

You always seemed so confident in what you were doing,

whatever it may have been.

You had the air of, "I know what I'm doing is the right thing

to be doing right now!"

I was quite envious, and in awe."

I don't think he will mind if I share his comment here since he posted it there on Facebook where anyone who knows any of us could see it.

Yep, fearless  ... well, that's what she said ... that's what he said ... so it must be true.

Somehow that's not exactly how I remember feeling all of those years ago.  It sounds more like me today.  And I thought it took two lifetimes to get here. 

Do you think it's possible that who we really are shows through to the rest of the world ... even before we have discovered it for ourselves?!?

I am going to take that image of the young Mary Jane ... fearless & confident ... out into the world with me today. 

Fearless.  Free of fear.  Brave.  Having courage. Making a fine show.  Excellent. Splendid.

I like the way it sounds.  I like the way it feels.  I like it that there are people ... from a time in my life when I had no clue who I was or what my possibilities were ... who remember me THAT way!

Cool.  So very cool.

Will I roll the dice?

Well, duh.  Everyone who knows me knows that I will.  It's what I do. 

Take a chance ... risk it all ... dream big ... believe ... 

... anything's possible ... it's the way I roll ...

Fearless.  Indeed.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) Mary Jane Sawyer 2010

Pond ponderings ...

I hop into the pond ... and all of the frogs leap out.

That's what I told a friend the other day ... I have known ever since I said it that it was how I was going to start my next blog post.  It seems appropriate somehow.

As I've been turning my house upside down ... moving Jessi from the upstairs to the downstairs ... and me from the downstairs to the upstairs ... I've been knee deep in boxes of stuff ... stuff that needs to be discarded.  And this time ... I am going to do it ... I am determined to let go of some of the junk ... put it on the curb ...

... and hope that it's someone else's treasure ... or not.

I know what I have to do.  Del said it outloud last Sunday.  Of course he did.  Because it's time for me to hear it ... time for me to do it.

Drew opened the service with the song, "More Like Falling In Love"

Great.  A set-up.  Then Del said a few words.

"When I get to the message this morning, I am going to speak to you ... simply ... about ... TO LIVE...

to give love & to receive love ... that's how you find life."

So there I am.  Standing next to Jessi as the singing begins.  She loses herself in the music.  Hands raised.  Pure, innocent joy on her face.  Loving God with her whole heart. Abandoned.

 ... and God whispers in my ear, " Well done, MJ. You have loved her well & it shows in her life."

Immediately I am humbled ... and ashamed ... for feeling so overwhelmed & burdened at times ... funny ... Jessi was the one who taught us all ... me ...  to hear Him when He whispers into my ear ... to listen with an open heart.

And there was the truth.  Stark & bare.

We are all a reflection of how we are loved by the people who love us.  Ouch.  Hurting people hurt people.

My inability to receive love is a result of the love that has been offered to me ... by the people who were supposed to love me ...

Del returned to the platform to present his message.

"If you want to LIVE ... you have to look at what's killin' you."

Simple. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

Still, I know it's time.  To tend to the wounds.  To clean them out deeply.  To stop just putting a topical ointment on them & covering them up with a band-aid.  Pretending that healing is taking place.

It was a powerful message.  And there were too many references to ME ... specific words & phrases ... for me to even argue "coincidence" . 

The word "unravel" was even tossed out there.  Not a common,
run-of-the-mill word.  It's one that God uses whenever He is trying to get my attention ... to bring me back around ... to that place that I have spent a lifetime running from ... my heart.

I am just like everyone else.  I know.  I want things to get "fixed" without going through the healing process.  Healing is much deeper than a quick fix.  And it often hurts.

The deeper than wound.  The more painful the healing.  Guess that's where the ole adage "No pain, no gain" comes from.  I don't know.

Healing involves ... requires ... exposing the wound ...

"I'm going to let you see me ... but I'm not going to let you see all of me ..."

To LIVE I must look at the things that are destroying me ...

"Just let me get those things fixed, MJ ... once those things are taken care of then I will start living like the man I really am"

I wish it worked that way.  That everything would get fixed and then I would be free to live the life I want to be living.  It's the other way around.  God uses the things that are killin' me to expose the need for healing ... in my heart.

Since Sunday, I have spent some time with my hurts ... my wounds ... ripping off the band-aids ... removing the scabs ... stripping away the scar tissue ... it's out in the open ... I am looking at it ...

... and it hurts.  A lot. 

This time, though, I am ready.  To accept the truth.  The truth about others.  The truth about myself. 

Hurting people hurt people.  Yeah, I've known that a long time.  I can't fix their hurts ... they must examine their own wounds ... their own hearts. And those feelings of  "unworthiness" ... of  "undesirablilty" ... are their truths ... not mine.   Love doesn't tear you down ... it builds you up. 

It's really very simple. 

Never, ever forget ... YOU are the prize!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) Mary Jane Sawyer 2010





Confusion ...

Today really couldn't be as disrupted or confusing as yesterday, right?!?!

Wrong.

Yesterday I started the morning with a clear plan in mind.  I was going to relocate the wireless box & modem box so that I could move Jessi's computer into what is ultimately going to be her "new" bedroom. 

Simple enough.

Once I got it all undone ... then redone.  I turned on her computer.  Oops.  No connection to the internet.  So I wandered back into the den and found that there was no wireless connection any more either. 

After about an hour of plugging and unplugging ... I decided to just put it all back the way it was before ... cuz it works ... so that I could get on with the very SPECIFIC blog I intended to write & post before tackling the other business of the day.

So I did that.  Still no connection.  Can't get online at my house via hardwire or wireless from any point in the house now.  Sheesh!

Then it crossed my mind ... a revelation ... that blog I was going to write ... well, it simply wasn't what I was supposed to do today. 

Ok, God.  I get it.  I will keep those thoughts to myself a little longer.

Headed over to the coffee shop to check my email before heading down to meet a friend for lunch.  That wasn't in my plan either.  But he called.  Said he wanted to talk.  And I couldn't work from home anyway.

All of my horoscope messages ... that I found in my inbox(es) when I hopped on line at the coffee shop confirmed what I already knew ... that it just wasn't going to be a productive day ... at least not in the ways I had planned.

Shared it all on Facebook then went on my way:

CANCER -- You are challenged to figure out what to do today cuz your natural rhythm is disrupted by something that is completely out of your control. Naturally, your positive attitude can help, but you must settle for less comfort than you normally prefer. Keep in mind that whatever occurs now is a small part of the larger shift that will take months to process.  Yesterday at 10:21am

So I posted a comment:

Ha ha ... came to coffee shop to get online since the attempt to re-arrange computers & wireless connection at home this a.m. has left me totally DISCONNECTED ... and my horoscope was waiting in my inbox! 

Yesterday at 10:22am ·

Then another after reading my horoscope in the newspaper:

Like the one in the newspaper better - CANCER: Good fortune is flowing to you, perhaps because of all of the good will radiating out of you. All of the information & resources you need & want will be at your fingertips.... LOL Now if I co...uld just make them work together! 

Yesterday at 10:24am

 

And still another after finding a "different' horoscope in another email:

 

ok...ok...enough already ... here's another horoscope in my OTHER inbox for today: CANCER:  You may be wishing you could do things the old-fashioned way, especially when technological assistance makes things more difficult.

 

After going through my totally disjointed day ... full of surprises at every turn ... and blindsides ... I met a friend for dinner & a chat.  Somehow that was hard to get to as well.  Things just kept cropping up.

 

At one point she looked across the table and said, "So, Mary Jane, do you really just make up your mind what you want to do ... and go do it?"

 

I had to laugh.  Outloud.  Yeah, right. That's exactly how my life goes.  It's really that simple.

 

This morning, I got up for my early morning walk with my "accountability" partner ... I glanced at the clock ... it was :30 so I was right on time.  Bright stars ... cool crisp morning. 

 

Still I had a premonition of sorts.  A little tightness in the neck.  Something just didn't feel right.  It crossed my mind that she might not join me this morning ... because of the challenges of her week so far ... and that was going to be ok.

 

I got to the corner and waited.  I walked a little ways in her direction and encountered another walker.  She said she goes to work very early ... she works at a bakery ... and likes to walk before she clocks in. Her pattern was to walk from one stop light to the next and back again ... about six times.  She had figured out somehow that that was a measurable distance for her.

 

I joined her on a couple of passes.  It was nice.  I had left my phone at home so after a bit, I decided to give it up until the next time.  When I returned to the house, I checked my phone for the text message that I was sure would be there ... the one that said "sorry."

 

Imagine my surprise when all I found there was the time ... 5:11 a.m.

 

I had been hanging out on the corner ... waiting on my friend ... an hour early ... walking with a stranger ...

 

Still no internet. Another unexpected phone call.  Another visit to the coffee shop. 

 

Almost noon now and again today, nothing has gone as planned.

 

Somewhere along the way God whispered ... it's ok, Mary Jane ... don't worry about things you can't control ... don't you see it's my way of getting your attention ... of bringing you to the places where you can do the things I want you to do ... instead of worrying about your plan ...

 

... it's really that simple.

 

 

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

(C) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010

A Voice From The Past ...

Yesterday morning ... very, very early ... Jessi had gotten up to fix her sausage biscuit.  She pushed the start button on the microwave and amdist the routine hum came the message:

I love you THIS much !!!



Startled, I said to Mary Hall, "Did you hear THAT?!?!"  Sound asleep, she mumbled, "WHAT?!?  It's just the microwave." 

In a couple of minutes the house was still & quiet again as Jessi & I went about our morning routines ... and Mary Hall slept.

I love you THIS much !!!

Clear & true ... no mistaking the voice ... the words hung in the air ...

"Did you hear IT?",  I prodded her again. 

"Yes, MJ, I did."

Amazing, it was simply amazing.  And 6 times in the next hour the little bear shared it's message ... having sat silently on the piano in the living room for the last 6 months.  There was no rhythm or pattern to it's speech. 

Sometimes the sentiment was repeated in quick succession ... IloveyouTHISmuch.IloveyouTHISmuch ... followed by long pauses and then the simple statement deliberately spoken ... outloud.

If you aren't familiar with the little bear and it's message ... it first spoke to us during the filming of STEP AWAY FROM THE STONE (March 30, 2010 post "Bear Hugs).

A little stunned ... yet somehow not totally surprised ... I retrieved the bear from it's perch on the piano.  You know, trying to figure out what triggered it ... TODAY ... after such a long silence.

By design, it only speaks when it's arms are pulled apart ... widespread ... inviting you into a friendly embrace ...

As if to say, step a little closer ... come on in ... it's ok to be open ...

I showed Mary Hall ... as I did earlier in the year ... how there was no way it could be a short in it's mechanism ... or  a battery running down ... how you had to literally pull the arms apart to make it talk to you ...

She said, "Are you sure?" 

Well, yeah, I'm SURE ...

I showed her ... again ...

How it worked .

Gently, she took the little bear from me.  And after a few attempts, she squeezed the little bear and it's arms popped open ... on it's own ...

Ohhhhh ... that's how it's supposed to work ...

You can make it talk to you by pulling it's arms apart ... deliberately demanding it to speak ... on cue ...

But, truth is, it was designed to respond to a touch ... in a special place ... firm, consistent contact persuades the little bear to respond naturally ... on it's own ...

The message is the same ... either way ... right?!?

Then my horoscope stated "The love and support of others should really help to boost your self-confidence today."  It went on to say I shouldn't be afraid to take a few chances.

That's what I've been doing.  Experimenting in vulnerability ... in what I thought was a safe, controlled environment ... where the outcome was predictable ... only to find, once again, that things aren't really as they seem ... or ever easy ...

At least not for me.

A few chances ... that 's what it said, MJ ... don't become discouraged or give up too soon ... take a FEW chances.

Validation followed ... in the cosmic words of The Universe:

" ... much love from your invisible friends .."

My invisible friends ... my visible friends ... offering their encouragement & support ... as I wander down this new path ... vulnerability.

A day or two ago, I received a lovely bejeweled turtle from my friends who recently joined their lives.  With a warm note reminding me that it's ok ... it's time ... for me to stick my neck out ... to quit cozying up inside my protective shell ... to allow someone else to catch a glimpse of the real ME inside ...

After all, it was there ... in their side yard ... on the eve of their wedding ... that my turtle stopped me in my tracks ... touching me in a special way ... gently pressing me to open up ... naturally ... on my own ...

I love you THIS Much!!!

... ok, I am wrong. 

And Mary Hall's right.

It's important. 

And I slowly but surely ... I am getting it.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010



Stream of conciousness ....

Beautiful fall days ... several in a row ... life is good ...

... then not so good ... but really ... It's all good.

Rather randomly, I tossed my phone into the washing machine on Saturday. Not sure how THAT happened. But it did.

And I melted down. Totally out-of-character for me. To let something as dumb as that send me over the edge.

It's just that I have been so concious of slowing down ... being still ... listening ... and hearing all of the messages ... finding some pieces that actually fit in my puzzle ...

I wasn't expecting such a blind-side. Imagine that.

A friend was laura-on-the-spot with a replacement.

Within minutes ... problem solved.

And still I was overwhelmed ... hyper-ventilating ... over-reacting in a hand-wringing frenzy.

She set me straight when I arrived to pick up the cute little pink razr.

"You threw your phone in the washer so that I could help you."

That's what she said. Then she shared all of the reasons WHY that was the case.  She was right.

I was totally humbled.

Yesterday my horoscope spoke of my "heart's desire". Of course, the context was romantic, love drivel. Still. It made me pause.

It's been quite a long time since I received a message that referenced the "desires of my heart". It's a personal promise from God ... to me ... one that I know He will keep because He always keeps His promises.

The first one came on December 31, 2004. The day that life as I knew it changed forever. The mailman delivered the letter in the midst of the chaos & confusion.

It referenced Psalm 37:4.

"Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart."

The weeks & months that followed brought that same message back to me ... specifically ... time after time after time.

Once I even got confirmation in my fortune cookie:

God will give you the desire of your heart.

That was the first time I knew for sure that God was speaking to me through fortune cookie notes. I still have that one.

It was very cool.

Yes, I have pondered the "desires of my heart" on occasion. I am pretty sure that somehow it's something more real & important than the "romantic love" espoused in my horoscope over the weekend.

I know what I think I want ... the life I want to be living ... but is that REALLY the desire of my heart?!?!

*sigh* maybe I should just punt ...

Ok, I'll take Door #3, Monty ...

When I mowed on Saturday ... prior to the washing incident ... my little rabbit followed behind me in his frolicsome fashion ... and then later after the turmoil ... he was roaming around the yard enjoying the fresh cut grass ...

Randomly ... Del made references from the platform in church yesterday to "chasing rabbits" and "making simple things complicated" ... for real ... he did.

Both comments made me smile.

.... lost for words ... lost in love ... sweetly broken ...

wholly surrendered ...

Sang the words and they touched me deeply ...

Sang some more ...

...and time is in His hands ... How great is our God ...

Then God ... through Del ... spoke directly to me ...

Yep. Indeed He did. Imagine that.

Somewhere in the beginning of His friendly prodding ... Del said something about how God finds "willing partners" ... to do what He needs done ...

Let's don't go there ... "willing partners" ... indeed ...

The message was simple ...

Most people live "in order to" instead of "because" ... and that's what makes life so complicated ...

You see, real life comes out of our brokeness ... not out of our success. That's what Del said.

Life is way simpler than we humans make it.

A friend shared that with me last week .. & he expanded on that idea ...

Too many times we get caught up in trying to figure something out and end up missing the 'event". Sometimes the simplest answer is truly the right answer. The answer has to be simple because everyone in the world regardless of their intellect has to be able to understand the message.

It is a simple message. "Jesus loves me..and so does God".


By golly ... I think he's on to something.

When messages come to me in waves, I know that's it important & that I should pay attention ... so when this quote posted up on Facebook ... I felt the nudge ...

‎"Anyone can make the simple complicated. Creativity is making the complicated simple."~Charles Mingus

Really, MJ. Just relax. It's all so simple ... if you just let it ... be simple.

Working the deal.

Del say that's what a lot of us do as we go about our lives. Always doing something in order to make something else happen ... to get what we want ... because, of course ... we all know exactly what we want ... and have it all figured out ... how to get it ...

... and then we wonder how everything gets so messed up ... so complicated ...

When it's really so simple.

Give of yourself out of "because" and not "in order to" ... and you will find your heart's desires.

God's gonna give me EVERYTHING I need. Really. He is. So why not accept what He is offering instead of trying to hold out for something better?!?

Like I could ever come up with something better on my own.

That's a hard one. Accepting what God is sending my way instead of trying to figure out how to get what I think I want.  As if I even have a clue.
  
I suffer from a serious case of "failure to receive" ... I admit it ... openly ... it's just so much easier to "give ...

Receiving ... that would mean being open somehow ... to let someone step a little closer ... you know, letting them actually see my vulnerability ... isn't it enough that I "give" of myself so freely!?!  Do I really have to "receive"?!?

So my cute little pink phone ... it has picture of a little dog that reminds me of Pete as the background. It makes me smile everytime I open it. And the ringtones my friend had on there are very cool, too.

I chose "Blessed be the name of the Lord" as the one for my text messages ... at least until I get a new phone of my own & can go back to my "Twilight Zone" one.

It's appropriate, you know.

... you give and take away ... you give and take away ...

... and still my heart will say ...

Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord ...

My friend said she has had that phone all rigged up and waiting just for me ... to need it ... for a long time ... we both laughed.

It's something like that ... no doubt.

The desires of my heart. God knows what those are. He's the one who placed them there ... in my heart ... after all.

You're almost there, MJ.

Turtle pondering ... maybe what you need to do is ask a different question ... that's the answer I've been searching for ... a different question.

And God ... through Del ... provided it ... right on time ... & in their typical double-teaming fashion ... the question was boldly projected onto the screen ... so there would be NO WAY for me to not GET IT ...

"Can I be a 'giving" person who knows HOW to 'receive?"

That's the question.

Once I allow myself to start "receiving" ... then ... and only then ... will I be a blessing from God in the life of someone else.

My horoscope said that I couldn't expect to get what I wanted if I didn't ask for it ... my heart's desire ...

It's really that simple.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010