It's been creeping up on me...for quite some time....that restless feeling that comes when I have been hanging around in one place for too long....
The winds of change have been swirling ... and I haven't been ignoring them....honest. However, I have been trying a different approach this time. Not sure if it's been any easier this way or any other way....*sigh*.....
This time...instead of just stopping mid-stream....and heading off to parts unknown....it occurred to me that maybe I could satsify those restless urges by dramatically changing the different areas of my life without uprooting and transplanting this time....
So I began identifying the people and things who make me feel lousy.....and minimizing my involvement in those places whereever possible. That has been a pretty good thing.
Choosing happy....has become my mantra. And I still like it. Probably carry that along with me whereever the road takes me.....happy IS a choice....and only I can make it for myself....
Finding my heart professionally. That is almost always where the restlessness begins....when it becomes obvious that I am no longer making a difference where I am spending the most of my energy. Stepping out on my own has been refreshing...invigorating....and fun! There's a lot of adventure to be found here...I know that....and actually I am positive that my current "stalled" feelings aren't about my work...it's deeper than work....more intimate and personal....more about who I am than what I am doing...
And that's scary for me... really....it's been a long time since I have had to listen to...much less respond to....a restless HEART.
All the years since my divorce have been filled with hours and hours of self-analysis and soul searching....and uncovering of the bits and pieces of MJ that were lost along the way....or buried alive over the years.....hanging on to the parts that I really like and letting go of those that I no longer value , have outgrown, or should never have adopted in the first place...
All in the hopes of finding my heart....and taking down some walls....throwing up a window...and then a door....to let some light out....to let some in.....
And guess what...it was still there....my heart....I found it....and even though it's been a slow process...it IS healing....
....and it's restless now....
So I know that soon, very soon, I will have to MOVE....to CHANGE....to stop kidding myself....this road isn't going anywhere...it just sort of ends...at nowhere. And I am tired of being nowhere.
Maybe I just get bored easily. I don't know. When it stops being fun & interesting than it's time for me to move on. And it stopped being fun & interesting awhile back....
Now it's more about "what if" and "why not" and even though it's so obvious and simple....I have to accept the fact that maybe it's just really never going to be....and it's exhausting.....waiting on something to happen....knowing all along that everyone has to make their own choices...and that no amount of anything I do can really have any impact on another person's choices...
I said it outloud yesterday. To a friend who is important to me. That I was feeling restless...that I recognized the symptoms....that change was coming for me...that I really didn't ever stay in one place for very long...that's just what I do....
I explained it to him. It's like a Mary Poppins thing. He didn't get it. He just laughed and hummed all the silly songs....*sigh*....at least he knew the songs....and the story...
Mary Poppins knows. She blows in on a breeze. She unpacks her bag and fun abounds. Lives are touched....hearts are healed....Mary Poppins smiles. Then restless sets in.....she knows she has done all she can do....she has given all she can give....it's up to those she has come to care about too much to take what's been revealed to them and craft a life that's happy & meaningful for themselves....so she packs her bag....steps out the door...and allows the wind of change to once again carry her off on her next adventure....
There has never been a sequel to the Mary Poppins story.....so I really don't know whether she ever finds her place...whether she discovers the desires of her own heart....whether enough lives or touched....or enough difference is made....that she finally gets to have all the things she helps so many others discover in their own lives...
I like to think that Bert, the Chimney Sweep, ultimately figures it out....that the greatest relationships in life are found when you step closer to someone you truly like & respect...who makes you laugh & no matter where you go or what you do, it's an adventure...when you look to your best friend and find your passion there....that he stops watching her in awe from the sidelines and joins her in the dance....
Bert is a dreamer though....so my guess is that he will continue to wait for just the right time....waiting for something amazing to happn to change his life in an instant...not realizing that every encounter has been an invitation...an opportunity....to start living instead of just existing....
The winds of change have been swirling ... and I haven't been ignoring them....honest. However, I have been trying a different approach this time. Not sure if it's been any easier this way or any other way....*sigh*.....
This time...instead of just stopping mid-stream....and heading off to parts unknown....it occurred to me that maybe I could satsify those restless urges by dramatically changing the different areas of my life without uprooting and transplanting this time....
So I began identifying the people and things who make me feel lousy.....and minimizing my involvement in those places whereever possible. That has been a pretty good thing.
Choosing happy....has become my mantra. And I still like it. Probably carry that along with me whereever the road takes me.....happy IS a choice....and only I can make it for myself....
Finding my heart professionally. That is almost always where the restlessness begins....when it becomes obvious that I am no longer making a difference where I am spending the most of my energy. Stepping out on my own has been refreshing...invigorating....and fun! There's a lot of adventure to be found here...I know that....and actually I am positive that my current "stalled" feelings aren't about my work...it's deeper than work....more intimate and personal....more about who I am than what I am doing...
And that's scary for me... really....it's been a long time since I have had to listen to...much less respond to....a restless HEART.
All the years since my divorce have been filled with hours and hours of self-analysis and soul searching....and uncovering of the bits and pieces of MJ that were lost along the way....or buried alive over the years.....hanging on to the parts that I really like and letting go of those that I no longer value , have outgrown, or should never have adopted in the first place...
All in the hopes of finding my heart....and taking down some walls....throwing up a window...and then a door....to let some light out....to let some in.....
And guess what...it was still there....my heart....I found it....and even though it's been a slow process...it IS healing....
....and it's restless now....
So I know that soon, very soon, I will have to MOVE....to CHANGE....to stop kidding myself....this road isn't going anywhere...it just sort of ends...at nowhere. And I am tired of being nowhere.
Maybe I just get bored easily. I don't know. When it stops being fun & interesting than it's time for me to move on. And it stopped being fun & interesting awhile back....
Now it's more about "what if" and "why not" and even though it's so obvious and simple....I have to accept the fact that maybe it's just really never going to be....and it's exhausting.....waiting on something to happen....knowing all along that everyone has to make their own choices...and that no amount of anything I do can really have any impact on another person's choices...
I said it outloud yesterday. To a friend who is important to me. That I was feeling restless...that I recognized the symptoms....that change was coming for me...that I really didn't ever stay in one place for very long...that's just what I do....
I explained it to him. It's like a Mary Poppins thing. He didn't get it. He just laughed and hummed all the silly songs....*sigh*....at least he knew the songs....and the story...
Mary Poppins knows. She blows in on a breeze. She unpacks her bag and fun abounds. Lives are touched....hearts are healed....Mary Poppins smiles. Then restless sets in.....she knows she has done all she can do....she has given all she can give....it's up to those she has come to care about too much to take what's been revealed to them and craft a life that's happy & meaningful for themselves....so she packs her bag....steps out the door...and allows the wind of change to once again carry her off on her next adventure....
There has never been a sequel to the Mary Poppins story.....so I really don't know whether she ever finds her place...whether she discovers the desires of her own heart....whether enough lives or touched....or enough difference is made....that she finally gets to have all the things she helps so many others discover in their own lives...
I like to think that Bert, the Chimney Sweep, ultimately figures it out....that the greatest relationships in life are found when you step closer to someone you truly like & respect...who makes you laugh & no matter where you go or what you do, it's an adventure...when you look to your best friend and find your passion there....that he stops watching her in awe from the sidelines and joins her in the dance....
Bert is a dreamer though....so my guess is that he will continue to wait for just the right time....waiting for something amazing to happn to change his life in an instant...not realizing that every encounter has been an invitation...an opportunity....to start living instead of just existing....
He keeps waiting on something to happen.....she tires of waiting on something to happen...he waits....she moves on....and both keep hoping for the "happy ending"...
This transition phase feels different for me. Again, I think it's because the restlessness is more of a longing in my heart....and my heart hasn't been capable of that in, well, in a lifetime...so I guess it's a good news/bad news situation....
Good that my heart feels....bad that my heart longs for things that are not within its reach.
Soon, very soon, I will have to move on.....and I know that when the time comes I will know....if it's a physical moving on this time....or simply an emotional one...not sure if I can actually do one without doing the other....
One thing I do know....I want to be on the road to SOMEWHERE instead of hanging out on this road that ends at NOWHERE....
www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
This transition phase feels different for me. Again, I think it's because the restlessness is more of a longing in my heart....and my heart hasn't been capable of that in, well, in a lifetime...so I guess it's a good news/bad news situation....
Good that my heart feels....bad that my heart longs for things that are not within its reach.
Soon, very soon, I will have to move on.....and I know that when the time comes I will know....if it's a physical moving on this time....or simply an emotional one...not sure if I can actually do one without doing the other....
One thing I do know....I want to be on the road to SOMEWHERE instead of hanging out on this road that ends at NOWHERE....
www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
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