A Different View

Took a field trip last week....it was work-related....but involved a group of cool people that are becoming my friends....we were searching for waterfalls....

So off we went...on one of the few beautiful fall days that have shown up this year...to Solgohacia...

My friend, Benny Baker, took us on a tour of the Ozark Conference Center and its grounds.

There were actually two waterfalls....a single one and a twin one. It was an interesting day...with beautiful scenery...and a couple of awesome cardiac workouts as we hiked the paths to and from the waterfalls...

As we discovered the beauty of the place...and the day....we were all awed by the view of Petit Jean Mountain.

It was a different view....from a different place...a different angle...a different perspective than most of us had experienced before.

Much discussion about the depth and the width of the plateau of Petit Jean took place....which lead to memories of personal experiences there...and common people we had all known yet independent of each other....

...it was refreshing...stimulating...and special...

And a whole new appreciation of a familiar favorite was found that day.

I have been stepping back....trying to figure out why it has been so impossible for me to change direction...to remove myself from the road that appears to be ending at "nowhere"....

...afraid to move forward...because of my uncertainty of what's coming next...convincing myself that "stepping back" really is the only answer...

And it's been extremely troublesome & frustrating for me...because timid...afraid...overly cautious...well, that's never really been my style....not until I joined the ranks of the walking wounded...

Then it occurred to me that maybe what I needed to do was to take a look from a different place...look at thngs with fresh eyes...from a vantage point that I haven't considered before....

So here I am at this place.....that seems to be "nowhere"....and I've decided to turn around and look at it from some different angles....

Seriously, what are my options?

I can retreat....make an about face and and head back to where I was before....hoping
to figure out what happened along the way....what detour or shiny object seemed so interesting that it caused you to pause and let me get so far ahead....

Because sometimes that's exactly how it feels...like it was a journey that started with company & now it's just me standing in the clearing hoping to see something new...something that makes sense...and nothing does...

Most likely though, I won't find anything worthwhile by backtracking...because whatever it was that captured your attention...it moved you along a different path...I could just get lost wandering aimlessly.... wondering which path....and why....and simply be disappointed that everyone doesn't share my sense of adventure...

...and do I really want to go back & retravel a road that I have alreadly left behind ....to somehow concede that it's been wasted time...wasted effort...and of no value to anyone?!?!

Or I can stand on the edge of this place that appears to be a deadend...take a different approach...a new look...scan the horizon....to see the beauty of what's really out there...the possibilities....the wonder of what's ahead...and I can embrace this place that the road has led me to....and say this IS NOT "nowhere"....

This is where I wanted to be all along... and I am poised and ready for what's coming next....

Why am I so surprised....that the road I have chosen has led me to an edge of something unknown?!?

That's the story of my life.

I have never played it safe...never taken the shortcut...opting for the scenic route whenever possible...always choosing the path less traveled...hoping to discover something that few others have ever seen...up for the challenge...motivated by the risk...knowing that the prize I am seeking isn't ordinary or mediocre...it's rare & special..

So here I am at the edge...the precipice...impatiently waiting patiently....and my choices are to retreat or step out...over the ledge...take the leap of faith....

...and I have been hesitating...waiting for you to catch up...and maybe that's the problem...

Maybe I have it all wrong...me waiting on you....maybe it's you waiting on me....to decide this road isn't ending in "nowhere" but really and truly is taking me "somewhere"....

...and that all I have to do is take the next step...over the edge...without fear...because you went along the other path...to the same place...to be there to catch me ...if I falter...if I fall...

And what's the worse possible outcome...a big ole bellyflop in the midst of my life...

I've never heard of a fatal bellyflop...have you?!?!

...a different view...a whole new perspective....

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Zero

A couple of weeks ago, it came to me that I should drag out those questions that a friend sent to me a long time ago when I was trying to make some sense out of my life....to re-order my priorities....to identify those people & things that had become habit but were really drains on my enthusiasm, happiness & success....and to focus on those that brought joy and value to my life

And that I should share those questions....with a friend.

I did that. I dug them out. I even wrote them down....making a notebook/journal/workbook thing to make it easier for my friend to take them seriously....leaving room for comments, answers, or more questions. Got so into it, that I made one for myself as well....because I figured it was time for a little re-evaluation of my life & friends, too.

That was over two weeks ago. Still carrying it around with me. Waiting for just the right time to offer it up. Shame on me, I know....waiting on just the right time...so that it will be comfortable and not awkward...like that could happen...I know, I know...I am the one who always says if you wait for everything to be right then nothing will ever happen...

So I am sitting there in my seat this morning....and Del is sitting up there on the platform....with his broken foot all propped up...and he says he wants us all to do something....and take a little time with it...

Think about your life....and where you are....right now....

(MJ's Workbook Page 1: Write a description of what you want your life to look like...the life you want to be living...take your time...brainstorm...don't worry about how it sounds...you can come back to it later... )

and...

(MJ's Workbook Page 2: What's important to you? Make a list in random order. If you listed the "by-products" or the "means-to-the-end" as important to you...then you are out of touch with yourself. So start over.)

Think about the opportunities you've had to "love"

Think about the people you've had the opportunity to "love"

(MJ's Workbook Page 3: Who is important to you? Think about the people who have been a part of your life. DO NOT include hypothetical people or people you WISH were in your life.)

Think about the missed opportunities you have had to "love"

(MJ's Workbook goes there, too...but not going to bore you with the questions here...)

LOL...Guess me and Del and God are all on the SAME PAGE ....pun intended!

Busted....again!

Del went on to say that someday those opportunities to love just won't be there....they will have passed me by...while I was waiting for everything to be just right before I acted....

Now I am going to ramble back and forth a bit....me & Del & whatever comes to mind will be flowing here....as always, if it makes sense, then Del said it....because God told him to...

So for the last two weeks...I have been carrying that notebook around with me....and I have been striving for immunity.....you know to "not be susceptible or responsive to the 'disease'... "

One day last week, when asked how things were going in that regard, I popped off, "I am working on immune...when I get there everything will be great!" Then I came home and
there was this little hand-carved tiki looking figure on the counter...so I said, "Jessi, what in the world is that?!?!" And she said.....are you ready....it cracked me up....."It's my immunity idol!"

So there you have it....while everything is shifting....and adjusting around me...I am striving for immunity! A boundary between me and.....love. And Jessi has had the immunity idol tucked away in her bag all along!

Now I am not talking about ooey-gooey romantic huggy-kissy love. I am talking about LOVE.

...and that's what God and Del decided to talk about this morning, too.

So Del put forth his exercise. And I fidgeted. Oh, yeah...hitting too close to home. From here on out, I am going to be speaking in the first person "I" and "me" but keep in mind, I am talking about YOU, too!

I've been surrounded by people....that are here in my life for a reason....it's not random ...it's deliberate that they are here...reaching for my hand...trying to help me take down those walls....remove those boundaries....there's ______ and then there's _____ and, of course, there's YOU!

It's really so very simple. If I would just unburden...unload...and say "I have nothing to offer...nothing left but ME....will you HAVE me?!?!"

Maybe then things would start to make sense and things would begin to fall into place. Instead, I keep impatiently waiting patiently...for the right time....for circumstances to change....until I have "something" of value to offer...

It's almost humorous how I think I get it....but I don't....

...at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is love. It's the bottomline.

Love never fails. Think about that. Something that never fails....now that's a powerful thing.

...and perfect love casts out fear. I like that a lot!

The opposite of love isn't hate...it's fear. And when we become afraid we loose our ability to give...or receive love.....

....flashback....to the failure to receive....*sigh*....a person is deader than a doornail when they they aren't willing to accept the blessing of receiving love..

And love covers a multitude of sins....we all make mistakes....and then love covers a lot of that stuff...if I don't have love, I have ZERO!

Yes, indeed that's what Del said. If I don't have love, I have ZERO.

Earlier this week, a friend and I were in a coffee shop and overheard a conversation between an adult (most likely an Aunt or Grandmother) and a very small child. The child's mother was at the hospital giving birth to her new sister...at that very moment. And the child said, "I am two"...and the adult said, "Yes, and when your sister is born she will be ZERO!"

Wow! We both looked at each other....we couldn't believe we heard that right. And then...she repeated it. "When your new sister gets here, she will be ZERO!"

What a way to enter the world....to start your life....as ZERO!

I just looked up "love" on Webster.com because I wanted to post a definition of exactly the type of "love" I am writing about....but I didn't like any of the definitions....just goes to show how out of touch we ALL are....no clear definition of "love" as God created it....no wonder I can't get it right!

And there it was....I had forgotten this one....probably because I don't play tennis.....love is a score of ZERO in the game of tennis!!! Somehow, I don't think that was ever God's intention...for love to equal a score of ZERO!

Have to pause here....my best friend, God, the Creator of the Universe, and I are taking a laughter break....He's been rolling around on the floor laughing at me for most of the day....and now I give up...I am just going to join Him there for a rollicking, snorting session....laughing until I cry....

....back...ok....so thinking about life...LOL...If you could do it over, would you you really give yourself and the last few years to an endless parade of meaningless encounters? To coasting instead of trying harder to move forward with direction? To putting up boundaries and walls because you were too afraid to take a chance...and live your life out of love?

Life has a way of getting away from us....and then it becomes about many, many things....but if it's not about love than it's not about anything.

It's that simple.

Del shared this amazing video of The Bucket List scenes to "Live Like You Were Dying": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNWg5DlWVa8

Life is about love. Love is not sex. Love is not collecting a bunch of people to call friends. Love is not doing good deeds all of the time. Love is deeper than that. It's a spirit....it's an aroma...it's the essence of something more than myself. Love is always a spirit that I carry in my heart...that touches the heart of others.

When my life becomes about things...and deeds...than it has absolutely no meaning. And when my life has no meaning....than what does that make me?!?!

Most of us truly do not understand the concept of love...love and grace demand that I follow my heart....

Hold on just one minute! Follow my heart?!?! You must be kidding!!! I have my heart secured and guarded....under lock and key....no one's getting in....and defintely I am not coming out....there must be another road for me to follow....one that does not require me to follow my heart...

Hmmm...joy & freedom come from just loving....so are you saying that if I cross the boundary...tear down the walls....and allow myself to love & to be loved that joy & freedom will be found there?!?

Wouldn't that mean giving up all control....isn't it possible to have joy & freedom ...and still hang on to that control?!?! Oh, you're telling me that's the problem....I have sacrificed love at the altar of my need to control my own life....great...that's just great.

Love is present when I feel comfortable with you....when I feel at home with you...when I feel safe with you....when I know that I am accepted---just as I am---by you.

At home with someone means a close and INTIMATE relationship. An intimate relationship is not just about sex. It's about total connection....and respect...and desire...and trust...and smiles...and laughter....and on and on and on....

I want that! To be at home with someone in a close & intimate relationship.

Am I trying to do everything else in life....but LOVE? Hoping that somehow all of those things---friends, things, happiness, success---will allow me to find love?

Without love, none of that is ever going to be found in my life....not in a lasting way....

All of it...the total of everything else...is nothing....it's ZERO!

This isn't one of those chicken-and-the-egg situations....it's plain & simple....love first....everything else will follow.

Jesus didn't die to fix me...He died to love me.

I don't want to FIX you....

Love can change everything in my life....love can change everything in your life....

Really. It's true. I have it on good authority. I promise.

Isaiah 65:1-2 - "I've made myself available to those who haven't bothered to ask. I'm here, ready to be found by those who haven't bothered to look. I kept saying, 'I'm here, I'm right here' to a nation that ignored me. I reached out day after day to a people who turned their backs on me, People who make wrong turns, who insist on doing things their own way.

A friend of mine posted this verse in one of his notes this morning....and it really struck me! I am pretty sure that I have never read it in this translation.....


Wow! I have this image of God....as Horshack from

Welcome Back Kotter....waving His hand frantically, jumping up & down in His chair, and shouting, "Ohhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhh!"


....and, of course, ole Mr. Kotter knows that Horshack is there. He just ignores him as long as possible....then ultimately recognizes his need to be heard.

The part that really hit home for me was the part that says....."people who make wrong turns, who insist on doing things their own way..."

Lost people. I know this reference is aimed at people who are resistant to God...or maybe really don't know Him....but when I read that part, I paused...and took a deep breath...

,,,,because the truth is....that's ME!

I got so excited about where I am going....and all of the possibilities along the way.....that I run ahead.....of myself....and of God. And with no one in front of me who knows where it is that I am supposed to go...well, guess what....

I make wrong turns!

Sure I've enjoyed some of those scenic routes.....and found unexpected joys in hidden places....but it must be very amusing---and maybe even frustrating at times--- to God to see me get so off course when He knows that where the road really leads is exactly where I want to go...

Yeah...I do it my own way....stubbornly....impatiently.....and then when I realize that I made that wrong turn....and I am sort of off track....a little lost.....I struggle with that whole waiting thing....

...impatiently waiting patiently ....

....for whatever is coming next.....

All the while, the joke is on me!

God has been patiently waiting on ME all along! And let's not forget,

He snorts when He laughs!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Restless....

It's been creeping up on me...for quite some time....that restless feeling that comes when I have been hanging around in one place for too long....

The winds of change have been swirling ... and I haven't been ignoring them....honest. However, I have been trying a different approach this time. Not sure if it's been any easier this way or any other way....*sigh*.....

This time...instead of just stopping mid-stream....and heading off to parts unknown....it occurred to me that maybe I could satsify those restless urges by dramatically changing the different areas of my life without uprooting and transplanting this time....

So I began identifying the people and things who make me feel lousy.....and minimizing my involvement in those places whereever possible. That has been a pretty good thing.

Choosing happy....has become my mantra. And I still like it. Probably carry that along with me whereever the road takes me.....happy IS a choice....and only I can make it for myself....

Finding my heart professionally. That is almost always where the restlessness begins....when it becomes obvious that I am no longer making a difference where I am spending the most of my energy. Stepping out on my own has been refreshing...invigorating....and fun! There's a lot of adventure to be found here...I know that....and actually I am positive that my current "stalled" feelings aren't about my work...it's deeper than work....more intimate and personal....more about who I am than what I am doing...

And that's scary for me... really....it's been a long time since I have had to listen to...much less respond to....a restless HEART.

All the years since my divorce have been filled with hours and hours of self-analysis and soul searching....and uncovering of the bits and pieces of MJ that were lost along the way....or buried alive over the years.....hanging on to the parts that I really like and letting go of those that I no longer value , have outgrown, or should never have adopted in the first place...

All in the hopes of finding my heart....and taking down some walls....throwing up a window...and then a door....to let some light out....to let some in.....

And guess what...it was still there....my heart....I found it....and even though it's been a slow process...it IS healing....

....and it's restless now....

So I know that soon, very soon, I will have to MOVE....to CHANGE....to stop kidding myself....this road isn't going anywhere...it just sort of ends...at nowhere. And I am tired of being nowhere.

Maybe I just get bored easily. I don't know. When it stops being fun & interesting than it's time for me to move on. And it stopped being fun & interesting awhile back....

Now it's more about "what if" and "why not" and even though it's so obvious and simple....I have to accept the fact that maybe it's just really never going to be....and it's exhausting.....waiting on something to happen....knowing all along that everyone has to make their own choices...and that no amount of anything I do can really have any impact on another person's choices...

I said it outloud yesterday. To a friend who is important to me. That I was feeling restless...that I recognized the symptoms....that change was coming for me...that I really didn't ever stay in one place for very long...that's just what I do....

I explained it to him. It's like a Mary Poppins thing. He didn't get it. He just laughed and hummed all the silly songs....*sigh*....at least he knew the songs....and the story...

Mary Poppins knows. She blows in on a breeze. She unpacks her bag and fun abounds. Lives are touched....hearts are healed....Mary Poppins smiles. Then restless sets in.....she knows she has done all she can do....she has given all she can give....it's up to those she has come to care about too much to take what's been revealed to them and craft a life that's happy & meaningful for themselves....so she packs her bag....steps out the door...and allows the wind of change to once again carry her off on her next adventure....

There has never been a sequel to the Mary Poppins story.....so I really don't know whether she ever finds her place...whether she discovers the desires of her own heart....whether enough lives or touched....or enough difference is made....that she finally gets to have all the things she helps so many others discover in their own lives...

I like to think that Bert, the Chimney Sweep, ultimately figures it out....that the greatest relationships in life are found when you step closer to someone you truly like & respect...who makes you laugh & no matter where you go or what you do, it's an adventure...when you look to your best friend and find your passion there....that he stops watching her in awe from the sidelines and joins her in the dance....

Bert is a dreamer though....so my guess is that he will continue to wait for just the right time....waiting for something amazing to happn to change his life in an instant...not realizing that every encounter has been an invitation...an opportunity....to start living instead of just existing....

He keeps waiting on something to happen.....she tires of waiting on something to happen...he waits....she moves on....and both keep hoping for the "happy ending"...

This transition phase feels different for me. Again, I think it's because the restlessness is more of a longing in my heart....and my heart hasn't been capable of that in, well, in a lifetime...so I guess it's a good news/bad news situation....

Good that my heart feels....bad that my heart longs for things that are not within its reach.

Soon, very soon, I will have to move on.....and I know that when the time comes I will know....if it's a physical moving on this time....or simply an emotional one...not sure if I can actually do one without doing the other....

One thing I do know....I want to be on the road to SOMEWHERE instead of hanging out on this road that ends at NOWHERE....

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Pretending.....

Daily dose of Joan of Arcadia with Jessi.....it's the one where God tells Joan to take a make-up class to learn about "who she is" and "appearances".....great emotional scene between Joan & Adam....

Joan: I can't stand all of this pretending....both of us trying to live up to some image of who we think we should be....instead of just being us....

Adam stands and stares....dumbfounded.....

Joan: If that's who were are....then I don't like us very much!

oh yeah.....Joan and I often live parallel lives.....


www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

A Best Friend Is....

My best friend.

I said it outloud. It caught me by surprise...and stunned everyone else in the room as well.

And now that it's been said....it can't be taken back....

And one huge wall came crashing down....before it's time...

Did you know that walls that crash down make a huge mess?!? Lots of debris to be swept up...dealt with...and disposed of...and hopefully it wasn't a load-bearing wall that tumbled down...or the roof will be falling in on top of me next....

I didn't mean to say it...not sure that I was ready to verbalize something that continues to be confusing and frustrating to me on a daily basis...not until I was confident enough to say "we are best friends"...that I was secure in knowing that it's not a one-sided thing...

But I was backed into a corner....and it just came out....

So what is a Best Friend?!?! Went searching on the internet for some definitions...

I know what it means to me...doesn't mean that it means the same thing to anyone else...

Wikipedia says that a best friend is one who shares the strongest kind of friendship.

Ok..the STRONGEST kind of friendship...hmmm...I agree with that...it has always been my practice to establish a friendship with people that become important to me in all areas of my life....before forming stronger, more lasting relationships....

Here's what else I found...

A Best Friend is.....someone whose happiness is essential to your own.

Huh. Well, yeah, I am guilty of that one. Even though I honestly believe that no one can make me happy but me.... trying to help my friends find happiness and celebrating in it when it's found...that's part of the mix...and with best friend...."essential" ...well, let's move on...

A Best Friend is....someone who accepts you just the way you are...you never have to pretend with your best friend.

A Best Friend is....the one who is closest to you.

Danger, Mary Jane, Danger! It's impossible to be "closest" to more than one person at a time! That does not compute!

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there."

A Best Friend is....someone who knows you as well as you know yourself.

A Best Friend is ...someone who makes your life so much richer by adding to your successes while helping to mitigate your troubles.

A Best Friend is.....someone who will tell you when you are blinded by inaccurate opinions or ideas. There are times when we are derailed by our passions, opinions or habits in such a way that we are subject to do things that are obviously unacceptable to others. A good best friend will come to us and explain why this needs to be identified and corrected.

Hmmm.......interesting.....that one.....and a very, very hard one. Need to spend a little time here...on my own...my circle of closest friends...the ones that I know love me & only care about MY happiness have been weighing in for some time....since I have been pushed a little ahead of myself, it will simply have to be ok for me to hit "pause" and regroup now....

A Best Friend listens without judgment while trying to remain consistent with your values that they know you cherish.

A Best Friend is someone you depend on to help you live your life with a flourish.

Yeah...well...anyway....being best friends is a relationship....a dynamic one.....one that takes a lot of work and attention....and it must be two-way....and equally valued by both parties...

Knew it was a bad idea to go there...into that situation....knew that somehow I would be maniuplated....and I was....and I really won't know how the view is going to look without that wall for quite some time....it wasn't one that I was planning to take down for a really long time....or maybe even ever....and there's lots and lots of debris & rubbish to clean up...first...before I can even consider what is on the other side...

So how would you describe a best friend?!?!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com