Boundaries

My horoscope for today: Cancer - be clear and set your boundaries before things get more complicated.....

oh, yeah, it was funny....very funny....i have spent two restless nites on exactly that....boundaries....and i knew when i got up this morning that i was going to blog about it.....

Twice this week i have found myself in interesting dialogue with friends where boundaries and barriers came into the conversation.....

Webster says that a boundary is something that fixes or indicates a limit or extent....

The way i see it....boundaries are put in place for a couple of reasons. Sometimes they are in place to keep things out......and other times they are in place to keep something in.....locked up ....guarded.....

Either way, it's protection of some sort.....generally from the unknown.....an effort to maintain control......to eliminate any element of surprise or wonder.....

In one incident.....i was sharing with a friend openly and honestly about the changes that are unfolding in my life.....and my enthusiasm for the new beginnings....the opportunities.....and the possibility of magic and wonder where there had been none before......

He posed an interesting question....."Do you typically like change, MJ?"

the REAL MJ....the one that somehow got lost along the way.....loves adventure....chances.....risk taking.....and has always thrived on change......life, at times, has robbed me of that confident, carefree spirit and i have been uncovering those lost pieces of myself for some time now.....sifting through the debris of my life....finding the good stuff and dusting it off.....sweeping away the rest.... it's a process....a slow one so far....but i have been working very hard to take some of my walls down.....and to let a couple of people step a little closer.....and that that has been very empowering and positive for me....

....that's what i told him....

And he said, "well this is surely a most interesting side of you.....most people either over think themselves or are clueless as to what lies beneath the surface. you seem to be dialed into yourself. neat"

It made me smile....and then because i was being open and honest with him....i reminded him that i DO overthink EVERYTHING!

He replied, "yes, you do seem to overthink things and yourself as well, but for a moment there you were just flowing without all the disclaimers and crafted wording. it was nice."

So i shared with him that disclaimers and crafted wording are walls.....barriers.....that i keep in place to maintain the appropriate amount of distance between me and others.....and that it definitely takes a lot of OVERTHINKING on my part to be so controlled and deliberate and careful....it's not really my style.....that i just try to be respectful of other peoples comfort levels....often at the expense of my own....

*sigh* not my style

i like to touch.....casually.....and fondly.....i like to touch my friends when i greet them.....when i talk to them....playfully when i am having fun with them....and a hug when i leave them...,guess that comes from having been treated as "untouchable" in my marriage for so long....find a little validation in the safe confines of friendly touches....

the other incident centered around that.....a friend totally rejected me on the basis of a casual, friendly touch....and than slammed the door shut on my attempt to be open and genuine and myself by evoking his boundaries that he has so deliberately put into place....

It has been a long time coming.....my willingness to even consider taking my walls down....to allow anyone to catch a glimpse of ME....who i really am.....and it isn't natural or easy yet....and i have to be feeling very comfortable and relaxed to even allow myself to consider just being myself....with anyone....anywhere...

So it's really lousy that when just such a moment arrived and i allowed myself to respond...naturally.....as myself......that ....Smack!.....i was firmly and deliberately reminded....once again..... that really nothing has changed in the life of MJ...... that i am "untouchable"...."undesireable"...."un-whatever" somehow.....

yeah....just when i thought it was safe to come out of the water.... or maybe it was that i was brave enough to take a dive....even if it WAS just off the low board.....

at one point in the conversation....he said...."i like to do the giving.....I never like to receive."

whatever. i thought that was a telling comment but wasn't really sure what to make of it.

all i knew is that it felt lousy.....and that somehow it was MY fault that he was confused and feeling suddenly uncomfortable....

this morning i was reading the Sunday comics.....and there in Luann....of all places....was a description of the "look".... i have been fascinated by the "look" for months now....and have even commented to friends that i was holding out for that... a man who looks at me that way....and means it....

here's how bernice described it this morning: "if i looked into his eyes and saw unconditional acceptance and appreciation for who i am that's the man i would fall in love with"......yeah....that pretty well sums it up....

sorry....just a little aside there....cuz it was cool...and it was today....in the midst of my pondering on boundaries......

so why DID i let my guard down.....and allow myself to simply be me?!?!

for quite some time....this friend has been telling me with his words and showing me through his actions and reassuring me with his eyes that it's ok for me to relax......that it's ok for me to open up.....to take a few walls down.....to simply be myself with him.....no pretense or pretending......that i am safe there...because, well, just because.....and i believed him.....

...and then i got blindsided for doing exactly what he encouraged me to do all along....

i have struggled with it the entire weekend....and it wasn't until Del started talking this morning that i was able to set aside my hurt feelings.....my bruised ego.....my disappointment....and take a look at the entire situation from a different perspective....

afterall....the man said, "I don't like to receive...." ....those were his exact words.....

so it really isn't my problem.....afterall....it's not my confusion....the boundaries weren't put in place by me.....the need to be in control and safe belong to someone else.....i am not the one who is totally afraid to touch or be touched by someone I know and like...i am not the one who is crippled by a failure to receive....

....and i don't have to let anyone else's insecurity cause me to start putting those walls back in place....it's ok for me to leave the ones down that i have worked so hard to remove.... i refuse to back up from this place that i have struggled so hard to reach....

a little bit of sharing now on what Del said about the failure to receive.....

our spirit knows when we are in the presence of someone who truly loves us......that was cool....it felt good to hear that.....our spirit knows....instinctively.....so we're not nuts when we feel it without any action other than just the physical presence of someone.....

If you don't receive love, freedom & forgiveness....you will become angry, impatient and legalistic i.e. setting boundaries and rules.

side note....just got home from seeing The Elephant Man at The Rep.....good show....go see it....

anyway....one of the themes of the play was about rules....."Rules make us happy because they are there for our own good." Ha ha ha.....

it was a repeated throughout the course of the story.....as if it was the truth......and at one point John begins to dispute that with his doctor....the man who made up the rules......and he said over and over again he wanted to understand the doctor's standards and values....and when asked why did he concern himself with that? John (the Elephant Man)'s reply was....."because we are living by YOUR standards....you are the one making the rules."

It was a profound moment.....and not funny in the context of the story.....for me though, it was highly amusing because it was so relevant to my dilmema and my personal story......would have liked to have poked the person next to me and said....did you hear that?!?!

but i didn't.

back to Del's message.....anger towards others is usually a reflection of anger towards ourselves....impatience towards others is usually a reflection of impatience with ourselves....being legalistic---making rules----putting boundaries in place is usually reflective of our being hard on ourselves.

people who are angry, impatient, and start putting boundaries in place aren't having a problem with those things....their problem is receiving love.

When he said that, it was like a bolt of lightning.....a revelation......

....there is no reason for me to feel lousy about simply being myself....actually, i should be proud of myself for being open....and having fun.....and feeling confident enough to express myself naturally, casually, and genuinely....

i don't have to pretend.....it's ok to be myself.....really.....it is .....

the bottomline of the message was that you can either learn to receive love or you can continue to be angry, impatient and isolated by your boundaries.....and only you can make that choice....

that's right....it's always YOUR choice....

are you willing to be bold enough to peel back the layers of your heart and accept that the problem is a lack of receiving?!?! Are you able to admit that you are so prideful that you aren't able to receive?!?

......and now for the answers to those questions from the other night that i am not sure that i actually answered...or maybe i just wasn't heard.....

i am relaxed. i am having fun. and i like you.

we were both having fun....and now, suddenly, you ARE NOT.

i am relaxed. i am having fun. and i like you.

i didn't ignore the boundaries..not really....i was busy focusing on the walls, they belong to me....and i am taking them down.

yes.


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