Voices.....

There was never any doubt that there was going to be something for me in the message this morning....the sun has finally come out.....and I spent most of the day yesterday struggling with myself.....should I say what I am thinking?!....or I should I just ride it out?!?...does it really matter what's going with on with me?!?!....or is it only important to focus on what's going on with someone else?!?!

The story behind the story....that was the way the message started.....and as usual, I want to give credit to Brother Del at the beginning of this blog....I will be paraphrasing a lot of what he said here and then interspersing my own story and feelings throughout....the profound stuff will be from Del....the meandering, confusing stuff will be from MJ....

Sometimes people do things that disappoint me....and sometimes I do things that disappoint someone else.....and in either case, typically, the disappointed person just lets it bug them and doesn't take the time to look behind the scenes. It's important to take the time to see the story behind the story when the people in your life do something that irritates you or lets you down somehow.

Seriously, most of us are great at putting on our "happy" face....or our "I'm ok" face and then just wander around aimlessly with all of our hurts hiding there below the surface.

What's really going on? Maybe it's depression....or fear.....or financial problems...or family problems....whatever it is....it brings each of us to the point of being broken.

And then....we find ourselves somewhere with someone....and something happens...a triggar of sorts...and those voices.....you know the ones....the ones that cripple you and bring you to total despair....they just start hammering away....and you can't make them stop....and you find yourself listening to them once again....and then next thing you know, you've done something...said something....and that person you care about is disappointed, hurt, let down.....or worse....maybe even disgusted...or rejecting you. And the truth is, they simply don't understand what really happened.

A friend said to me this past week, MJ, at certain times and in certain circumstances you lose your character. Touche! It was a fair and accurate observation. I appreciated the direct, honest approach. It's not like it was news to me. When it happens I know it....and I can't help it....my voices just push me to a place where I break....

This particular time, I wanted very badly to explain it....to say, Hey! It wasn't you...it was me! And I know it. Here's what's really going on behind the scenes when I have a moment or an incident like that. I tried...I just couldn't figure out how to say it without being totally open and exposed....and on the second attempt, it didn't really seem like the other person really wanted to know WHY....just that they didn't want it to happen it again....because, you know, Mary Jane, it's happened more than once.

Yeah. Imagine that. It's happened more than once.

Everyone knows that I am choosing happy...and I have been re-evaluating my life and my friends....and I have been avoiding situations and people who make me feel lousy...and have been focusing on things and people who make me feel great...it's been very, very difficult to make some of those changes in my life...and at times it's very hard to stay focused and positive...


So what brings us to those places where the voices take over....even when we don't want to believe them....and try so very hard to resist them?!?!

The voices of negativity are generally awakened by the pressures that come from life's difficulties and/or feeling alone. Maybe you are trying to step out there and do something...maybe you are really trying to make some changes in your choices...your lifestyle...your habits....to find some positive impact on your life that has been in a rut for so long....and things just don't seem to be falling into place...working out....moving forward the way you would like....


Here come the voices....

"You're not good enough"...."You're a failure"....."Nothing you ever do is going to change these circumstances"...."Quit kidding yourself....you're never going to be happy"....and on and on and on....

The voices are different for each of us. They prey off our individual circumstances and vulnerabilities....what is devasting to one is trivial and meaningless to another....we are prisoners of our own doubts and insecurities....

When things aren't going well...it's easy to start feeling guilty and bad....and then we start loathing ourselves so much that we don't want God....or anyone else...to see inside....to the heart of us....who we really are....and what the hurts are that are driving us..

And sometimes it's when things seem to be taking a turn for the better...but you're just not quite there yet...and you question and doubt whether it's real or your imagination...and if it's real, will it really last...will it really be something...is it honest-to-God real...that's when your voices start clamoring to be heard because surely you're not going to ignore all of that pent-up self-doubt and fear, are you?


That's the time when it is most important to be honest with yourself...and to say it outloud...whatever it is....hurt, disappointment, doubt....with intensity from your heart. To say outloud...to yourself....to God....to someone you trust....here IS the story behind the story....this is what's REALLY going on with me.

Stop being who you're not. Start being who you are.

We are all going to have trouble....it's when we try to be dishonest about what we are facing and what we are feeling that we leave the door open for the voices to take over.

People---you and me----are afraid to be honest with ourselves and each other....we are struggling with opening up our hearts...we are building walls....and we are living in prisons of our own design.

So back to the other night....when I "lost my character" briefly...it wasn't about anyone else...it was all about me....I found myself in a place...feeling alone...and I was tired...and then a couple of things happened...a thing or two was said casually and randomly....and the triggar that stays cocked perpetually went off...and the voices came rushing in....and I was overwhelmed by my personal feelings of inadequacy and insecurity....

and the voices they whispered urgently....

"You're not pretty enough....why, you're not even cute....face it, MJ, you can't even get in the game here, you're not really even attractive"....

"Sure that young guy was paying attention to you...why did it make you feel uncomfortable?..it's because you know he was lying...you're not desirable...he was hoping you were just easy"....

"What?!? It didn't make you feel special?!? He was willing if you were willing"...

"Who are you kidding?!?! Nothing good and real is ever going to happen to you'"...

"You're not a real women,remember? You failed miserably at that...gosh, how could you forget that?!?!...He told you over and over and over for years...so it has to be the truth, right?!?"...

"No one else is ever going to give you a chance....once a failure, always a failure...stop believing you will ever be happy"...

There I was....struck down by my voices....and I struggled not to hear them....but in the end they won....and that's the story behind the story...that's what was REALLY going on with me...it was personal....it wasn't about anyone else...it was my own insecurities...my self-doubt...my fear of inadequacy kicking in...robbing me momentarily of my character....

Today, I am being honest with myself. I am saying it outloud. My greatest vulnerability is a gaping wound that I have carried out of my marriage. It's something that I have been working on for the last three years...finding the lost pieces of myself....rediscovering what really makes me, well, me...and learning to like who that woman---MJ---Mary Jane---really is!

It's been hard...but I am making progress...and most of the time, I can keep those voices at bay because I really and truly do like who I am....but every once in awhile....something happens...or words get spoken...and all I hear is...well, I am working very hard to change what I hear...

...and now a shout out to two of my greatest friends who keep reminding me to practice what I preach...

Never, ever forget...MJ....YOU are the prize!

...and to another friend who is trusting me enough to tell me what's really going on behind the scenes in their life....thank you...you are a tremendous encouragement to ME...and it's not that I don't trust you enough to tell you the story behind my story....it's just that I've kept myself locked up and guarded for so long that I have forgotten how to be open with anyone....and honestly, I am a little afraid of being that vulnerable with you....

...so I am continuing my march around my personal Jericho...and today...victory....another wall has come crashing down!

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