Road Trips & Adventures

When I turned 40 I made a list of my Top 40 - people who had impacted my life - people who had influenced me in ways that resulted in the who I am today....and since then I have been searching each of them out....and re-connecting on whatever level makes everyone feel comfortable at this stage of the game....

Last nite was very cool for me....early in the evening I spent some time with two men who have become very important to me in the life I am living now. We shared a brief hour or so of time before one was heading off for a trip out-of-town....laughing....encouraging....and allowing ourselves to simply enjoy the very real and true connection that exists between us.

Excitedly, I left one venue to move to another....for an adventure that I have been looking forward to for a very, very long time....it was a 30 year reunion with two men who had at times during the turbulent years of teen-age angst and coming-of-age had been two of my closest friends and confidants. It was unusual then as now, I guess, for boys and girls, women and men----to forge that kind of friendship without it being about dating or the hots or whatever the heck the raging hormones of 16 are really called....uh...if I recall...we were all looking for "love"....LOL...

There was nothing we didn't talk about....we shared everything....family issues that you just really didn't discuss with anyone much....fears about the future....who were our crushes....confusing feeings and things that were foreign and complex when we did finally do some real dating....special occasions...disappointments....life

We gossiped....we drank....we spent hours and hours cruising around Little Rock aimlessly as teenagers did....we had adventures....and fun....and we danced every weekend for a season every year for four years because that was where we found each other..we were part of the diverse and interesting group of "helpers" chosen to influence the little brothers & sisters of our friends at the Little Rock Junior Cotillion.

That was then. Last nite we gossiped....we drank....and we cruised on over to the home of one of them very very late....and in the wee hours of the morning, the friend who invited us to his home and I shared a cigar in the rain in his backyard. That was very cool and special. We were buds once again! I had forgotten how much I had missed that...missed him....

One friend said to me early in the reunion encounter....there are really only two kinds of women....A man's woman....and a woman's woman....and you, MJ, were a man's woman then and it appears that nothing has changed in that regard! I like that. He is so right....my best friends have always been a bunch of guys....I don't do "girlfriends" well....

Don't get me wrong....in my life I have had---and still enjoy---some friendships with awesome and amazing women....they are generally one-at-a-time and don't fall into that typical female complexity knowns as "girlfriends"....LOL...heck, they ran me out of my sorority in college for not playing well with the "sisters"...

I told both of my friends that story last nite at one point...and they smiled and nodded...we had lost touch by that time in life....but they weren't at all surprised!

It was a great evening.....we shared stories....memories...and we laughed a lot. One of them said...coming home to visit now is a lot easier than it used to be because of evenings like this....and he's right....it's great to have a chance to kick back and relax with people who knew you "when"....when you were discovering yourself...finding your way.....and who know all the "dirt" and where most of the bodies are that caused hurts and choices and other things that scarred us...or maybe just tattooed us---in ways that have carried forward into our adult years.

Being with people who know all about your warts and flaws....and your great qualities, too...even when they seem to be hidden at times....and they just like YOU because you are YOU!...it felt great....

When I first divorced, I knew that I needed to find someway to reach back and reconect with the MJ who was lost along the way....and there have been other times...other encounters....other memories....that have helped me in the recapturing of the spirit of that girl who was afraid of nothing and was going to take on the world.... but none have been as restorative as my visit with these two men from my past...last nite...

And here's what I am taking away from last nite's reunion....life is full of road trips and adventure....and those should never be taken alone....it's important to have someone to share the journey with....a partner....a friend.

It's funny to me....most of my single friends speak of "dates" as being people who they are having sex with or are considering having sex with....it's a code of some sorts....and someone who is "more than a friend" is generally what comes after the "dating" is under way....and the physical intimacy is what defines the status...recently someone said to me "she's more than a friend but....not."

That amused me. Seriously, how can you really be "more than a friend" when you haven't even established that a friendship exists. Or is it that in today's world that "friend" really doesn't mean anything...it's just another code name for "date" or casual intimacy.

Maybe that's why I don't "date" much...because I really don't ever want to be referred to as "more than a friend" by a man that hasn't taken to time to know who I am...LOL...I think I would like to reach a place in a relationship where I am "a friend...but more"...

So, anyway..we discussed our adult relationships.....both of these men have longstanding committed relationships....and even though my marriage ended in divorce...it wasn't casual or trivial...and didn't end due to lack of commitment to the concept of marriage. I spent half my life and every ounce of whatever was left of "me" in perpetuating a relationship that should have never been in the first place...love is a choice not a feeling....i guess, what I am saying here is...that even though mine didn't survive the test of a lifetime...it's the willingness to give it your all...to choose to love....to stick around when the times aren't great...a shared choice to love and be loved..that's what makes it right....and, then there's the finding of the right person to take that risk with....of opening up and simply being yourself...and singing along with Barney "I love you...you love me...."


In our discussion of relationships, it was apparent that their happiness and success in those areas was based on the fact that they were sharing their lives with someone who fits them perfectly....no, I am not saying that their lives or relationships are perfect....but they have both found someone who fits in their arms exactly right as they spin and turn and occasionally step on a toe or two...the one that mirrors their every move...and because we taught those little darlings how to dance all those years ago....each of us knows how do the boys part AND the girls part....how to lead when it's our turn to lead and how to follow when it's our turn to follow...those lessons flow through their relationships..

..and it made me feel such a gladness for them...these two men who once were just boys... who were my friends....who told me there was nothing wrong with me when dating was just an imaginary thing to me..and that even though I wasn't as "hot" or "gorgeous" as whoever the SHE was that had captured their fancy at the time, I was not a "dog"...a nanny goat, yes...but never undesired or rejected....just overlooked by whoever the HE was that was too much of an idiot to realize that I was special.....who assured me always that until there was a "SHE" that mattered...there was really no one they would rather be with then me....because I was great...I was special...I was fun....and they knew that I felt the same way about them....it felt exactly like that again last nite...with them....it was amazing. Friends just really, really liking each other and the time we were spending together!

Here's a bit of wisdom I am taking away from the visit.....you should never head off on a road trip by yourself....even with a map....you need a friend....a best friend who is also your lover...someone who allows you to get all of your needs met in one place..with one person...in one relationship....without that, you are just driving aimlessly in the dark...heading in the direction of home...but somehow not really getting there...missing the turns....turning around at the dead ends only to find yourself at another one....going in circles...and,yes, occasionally being stopped for driving left of center....with no one to share the fun of it...the frustration of it...the adventure of it all...

...and guess what?!?! GPS doesn't cut it....it's not the same as traveling the road with your adventure partner in life....

my friends have that....and that makes me happy....and a little envious....I want that, too...

In the meantime, I am going to continue to share litte bits of pieces of myself and my life with my friends...the one who validate me...and encourage me....and remind me that it's ok to just be MJ...and that I can still take on the world...if I want to...and who are willing to take turns riding shotgun on our shared roadtrips and adventures until I find the one who fits me perfectly....