Homeward Bound ...

For a variety of reasons, my real family did things for Thanksgiving ... that weren't all together.  We're all grown-ups ... and have expanded families now.  And that's ok.

In a conversation with some of them earlier in the week, I had to explain to them what Thanksgiving was really all about for me. It's not necessarily the same for them. You see we are all wired differently ... and different things mean .. well, different things ... to each of us.

It's a common belief ... in my family ... that since my divorce ... and Abbi's marriage ... and all that's happened over the last few years ... that I don't really have a family of my own .... or a home ... or traditions.

Funny, how everyone else always thinks they know who you are ... and what you are thinking ... better than you know yourself. 

Sometime or other this weekend,  Alice In Wonderland was on in the background. The Tim Burton version. And Alice is being asked over and over and over ... "Who are you?"

Questioned ... challenged ... frustrated ... she replies, "From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not having to be Alice, but this is MY dream. I’ll decide where it will go from here."

I know exactly how she feels.

The truth is I do know who I am ... and have been finding my way back to a Mary Jane that I really, really like ... one with traditions ... and family ... life ... and a strong desire to be "home".

Yes, it has been different these last few years ... and there were a couple of years that I wouldn't have been able to pull off a frozen t.v. dinner ... without melting down completely.  And it's nice that an extra effort was made to let me know that I did have somewhere to go ... so that I didn't have to be at my house ... alone ... at those times.

Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is one of my very favorite family things to do. And it has been a let-down each year since my divorce to simply bring along a dish or two rather than busying about for days making all of my favorites and sharing my home & my heart with the people I love.

That's what I do.  That's who I am. 

It was my choice to spend the long weekend at the home of someone that I consider family. It's a long story ... how we are sorta-cousins. .. three generations from then - until now.

There's been a lot of hurt & betrayal & distance woven through the course of our friendship. It's nice to be at a place in time where the forgiveness & fondness overshadow the disappointments & let-downs.

It's a special kind of love that transcends families ... where fresh starts abound ... and even though forgiveness isn't always easy it wins out in the end every time ... where nothing is ever more important than the relationships ... all the wrongs ... all the hurts ... while not forgotten are somehow gotten past ... because there's nothing more important ... than "home".

It was comfortable. Familiar. Fun. It was good. And right. 

... and it was there ... this week ... that I realized where I want to be ...

... home ...

Home is place that's safe. Filled with love & acceptance. It's where you get to simply be you ... no pretense. And it's ok. No matter what. You're always wanted & welcome there. And if you're lucky, there's one someone special there who shares life with you. Home it's where you find that nothing else matters except for what is found there.

I was reminded of that this morning ... when Simon & Garfunkel's Homeward Bound was played ... at church ... and that's when it hit me  ... that's the journey I am on ...

... the road that appears to keep leading to nowhere ... it's really leading me HOME ...

So back to Thanksgiving ...

... there were turkey games galore ... turkey games are much like reindeer games ... just not talked about as much.

Gobble. Gobble.

The festivities started with the "making of the dressing" game. It's a long standing family tradition. It's a game I am pretty sure that I "won" based on the rules set forth by Aunt Julia ... not 100% positive, though ... lots of fuzzy places towards the end of the game ... and no one's shared the score with me ... at least not yet.

One thing I do know is that I let a couple of boomerangs fly ... a little too soon. I hate it when that happens. Cuz success in boomeranging is always in the timing & the toss. Oh, well. It is what it is. And who knows?!?! Maybe I blundered into the "right" time ... accidently ... that would definitely be a first for me ...

Time will tell.  It always does.

Card-playin' was on the agenda as well.  A lot of card playin'. Somehow that didn't really happen. There were some friendly hands of spades & Texas hold 'em that were lively & fun, though ... with two young but very strategic players. If we would have had the chips out, I am pretty sure the poker playing would have been extremely competitive and challenging!


Thanksgiving night was full of games, too.  First there was the "silent" game.  That wasn't any fun ... so I was really glad that Yahtzee prevailed.  There was a first time Yahtzee thrower in our midst so, of course, HE was graced with beginner's luck.

Seriously.  Every single time he rolled the dice, he came up with a Full House or a Straight.  Unbelievable.  Vegas, Baby! 

I, on the other hand, had not so much luck ... rolling the dice.  Still I kept in mind that the goal of the game was to Yahtzee!  Roll after lame roll ... I marked my less-than-mediocre numbers on the score sheet.  Then amidst the laughter & chatter ... I rolled three 2's ... lousy cuz I already had my 2s and an equally depressing 3-of-a-Kind.

On the second roll, I got another 2.  Wow!  I was actually going to make 4-of-a-Kind without having to scratch it off ... for a possible total of 14 pts.  Sheesh!

Than ... just like that ... I rolled the last 2 ... YAHTZEE! 

It was the only one of the game.  So I won. In the end.

Interesting.

Moved on to Apples to Apples.  First we were going to play until someone had 3 cards.  Than it was 5 cards.  Than it was until 9 p.m. And in the end we played 4 1/2 hours ...

It was a special time filled with love, laughter ... and healing.

For the record, there wasn't a HOMEless card ... or I would have have had it.  Still I had some interesting cards in my mix :

Cranky, generous, intelligent, kind, hopeless, cute, inspirational, distinguished (which I liked better than the companion card "dignified") ...

... and then there was that "create-your-own-card" that was thrown in for good measure ..."humpless" ... gotta feel the love when it comes from those who love ya ... I'm just saying.

Funny.  There wasn't a "happy" card in the box ... at least not that turned up in the hours that we played.

Again, Mr. I'm-New-To-The-Game was on a hot streak.  And I think everyone assumed he was going to be the winner when we totaled up the cards accumulated at the end. 

Nope.  It was me.  By one card.  Apparently it was the highly coveted "juicy" card that brought me the win.

... homeward bound ...

Of course, the entire week had been building up to the Razorback game on Saturday.  A game where the play was elevated by the possible outcome ... the Sugar Bowl.  And what a game it was.  Full of blunders & errors ... time clock issues ... still in the end, the Hogs won the game ... in spite of themselves ... in spite of the "lost" time ... they never lost sight of what was on the other side of the goal line ... the Sugar Bowl.

Somehow, the Razorback game is a complete and accurate analogy of my week of turkey games:  fumbles, overthrown passes, dropped balls, missteps on every drive ... and that whole "timing" thing ... yet they didn't let the unexpected ... or the obvious mistakes ... or miscalculated choices ... defeat them ...

Neither will I.

The action in football takes place in a set amount of game time ... so the end of the game is clearly defined ...

Not so much in life.

One of the similarities of football & boomeranging is the importance of  "timing" and the "toss".  Both the Hogs & I struggled with those things ... this time ...

Of course, the difference between football ... and boomeranging ... is the predictability of the outcome ... you know, where the thing's going to land or how long it's going to take to come back around .

Today, I am feeling pretty great.  I know what I want.  I know where I am heading.  It's ok that I am not like everyone else.

A lot of time was spent talking ... my sorta-cousin and I ... sharing things.  Things like the difference between satisfaction and happy.  Existing and living.  And why some people approach it all one way ... and others go about it completely different ... and all of us ... are looking for the same things ... and none of us are seeming to find it ...

Intellectual conversation.  Much like Apples-to-Apples.

I watch as so many people I care about rush about filling up their time and the emptiness in their lives with casual encounters ... meaningless flirtations ... friendships that are already ending before they even start ... wondering at the end of the day why they are still lonely ... even though they aren't alone.

... and gradually, over time, they are giving away the special things ... sharing pieces of their hearts randomly ... losing themselves along the way ... because ... well, just because ...

... it would be like playing Apples-to-Oranges ... and expecting to win.

I tried to explain what it was that I wanted and really didn't come up with it at the time.  This morning Del said in his message that one of the telltale signs that a couple is in trouble relationally is when they stop "enjoying" each other.

Yahtzee!  That's it!  I want to be be sharing my life with someone ... I want to ENJOY life with someone who fits me perfectly.

... and in our conversations, I finally said outloud somethings that I haven't really wanted to admit ... because once I said them ... I was going to have accept the truth.  Not so much bad things ... things that explain my confusion and frustration at times ... about the not-so-perfect man who fits me perfectly ...

It's affirmation that I AM different.  What I have to offer is rare & unique ... as long as I don't allow myself to give it away ... in little pieces ... in places that don't really matter ... except to fill time.

I don't have time ... to be wasting my time ... by spending my time ...myself ... tangled up in nothing.

For me that means hanging on to the pieces of my heart ... the treasures of ME ... and not wasting them in places that I know from the start aren't ever going to feel like home ...

Want to know what "home" feels like?  At least to me ... take a look at one of the BEST Thanksgiving movies ever ...
 

So I am rolling the dice ... taking a chance ... laying all of my cards on the table ... waiting on the what comes around from the unexpected boomerang release ...

... impatiently waiting patiently ...

What if I can't wait?!?

TURKEY!  ...turkey .. turkey .. turkey ...

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(c) Novemeber 2010