Forgiving ...

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthday.  She has been getting messages ... mixed signals ... for days ... maybe even weeks or months ... about what's coming next ... in her life ...

Just one word.  Possibilities.  Simple enough.  A little scary, maybe ... but very, very cool!

I've been getting a bunch of messages, too ... since my birthday in July ... the BEST birthday I've had in too many years to count ...about what's coming next ... in my life ...

In a word, Forgiveness.

*Sigh* Not so simple.  Why do I always get the IMPOSSIBLE tasks?!?!

Maybe it's because I dream big ... and wish for the things that involve magic & miracles ...

A great message was presented on Sunday by a guest speaker.  He says he doesn't "preach" any more ... he simply speaks ... or maybe he speaks simply ... either way ... it went a long way to helping me figure out how to bring closure to some things ...

Hurt really does hurt ... that's what he said.

Of course, I know that ... I just never wanted to say it outloud.  Nope. I'd rather try to shove the hurt way down deep inside ... pretending that it's not there ... because I simply don't want to hurt ... don't want to let anyone know they have hurt me ... or that  I am hurting ... I am too tough & strong ... to be hurt ...

... you don't have the power to hurt me ...

Yeah, right.  Whatever.

Many of the things I am going to say about what forgiveness IS and ISN'T were shared with us on Sunday ... they resonated deeply with me ...

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting.  It's NOT pretending something didn't happen.

One of the deepest wounds in my heart dates back to my pre-teen years.  It's one that has held me back & impacted every important relationship in my life.  Only recently have I been willing ... and possibly able ... to scrape all of the scar tissue off of it and examine it ... closely.  

It's amazing to me that it has taken me two lifetimes to get here. 

There is a "new" friend in my life who was actually the catalyst for the acceptance of this hurt ... the realization that it was caused by someone else's insecurity & feelings of inadequancy ... and I should have never accepted it as my own.

Thank you  ... for simply being you ... WHO you are ... & choosing to be my friend ... acting as if  it was ME that was somehow bringing something special to YOUR life ...

That opened the door a crack ... allowing me to see it all so clearly.

... and you don't even know you did that ... for me ...

The door is wide open now ... and the view outside is amazing!

Forgiving is NOT justifying.  I always want to over-think everything ... to understand why someone did what they did or said what they said. 

Understanding WHY really doesn't make it OK.

An important friend hurt me deeply a few years ago ... he had been there for me as I made a couple of the hardest decision of my life ... he shared my pain as I cried & ranted & prayed ... if anyone had ever suggested that he wouldn't always be there for me I would have scoffed at the thought of it ...

... there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me ... yet he denied me three times ... before the cock crowed ... without even blinking an eye ...

There really aren't any words to describe the devastation that I felt as he coldly removed me from his life...without ever talking about it ...

Sure, I know what happened.  And I accept full responsibility for my part in what took place that set that domino-effect into motion.  If I had it to do over, there's really nothing I would have said or done differently. 

Maybe he honestly feels the same way.  It doesn't really matter now.

And even though I knew why he did what he did at the time ... it doesn't mean that I will ever understand it.

I forgave him almost immediately.  Still it didn't fix things or take away any of the hurt.  And even though we have managed to re-establish a friendship now .. now that things have changed ...

It still hurts from time-to-time.

He says often ... "You HAVE to understand why ..."  But I don't.  I don't "have to" ... understand.

He's not the only one that's used that argument on me recently.  It makes me angry when people do that.  Try to place the burden of responsibility on everyone else ... on me ... because they are hurting somehow ... and don't know how to fix it ... or aren't willing to examine their hurts ... their hearts ...  and offer the forgiveness that will free them.

It's hard, I know.  But heck, if I am willing to do it ... then they should do it, too.  It's only fair ... and life is always fair ... right?!?

Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation or trust.  Forgiveness means you have come to terms with that person &
what they've done to you.  It doesn't mean you have to trust them in the same way again. 

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthdays.  She is moving into the new year of her life with hope & expectation ... embracing the possibilities ...

Me, too.

Last nite I spent the evening with some of my favorite people.  We laughed & shared little bits of our lives.  It was fun where we were ... because we were there together. 

And my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... He showed up, too.

Actually, He had been hanging out with me all day ... even though He was being really quiet so I wouldn't know He was there ... watching me as I realized that the unraveling of things wasn't a negative after all ...

Sometimes you have to unravel the tangled up mess in order to have a fresh start ...

First there was the early morning phone call.  Forgiveness.  It was hanging in the air.  I even said to myself afterwards how great it felt to know that I was finally forgiving that lifelong, life-altering hurt ... knowing that THAT person who truly loves me better than life never even realized what they had done all those years ago ... knowing that it was never intentional ... it was just one of life's hurts.

Then came the intense, heart wrenching conversation over lunch.  I knew God was sitting there ... though .. with me.  He had His hand on my shoulder ... whispering in my ear ... forgive, MJ ... that's all you have to do ... I will take care of the rest ... he's almost there ...

That's ALL I have to do ?!?

So the day ended in the company of people who love me.  And as we wandered into the situation of the evening ... late ... finding our seats ... it was just too funny.  By the time we all settled in, everyone at our table was giggling ...

I chose to avoid the back-to-back position ... only to discover that it was eyeball-to-eyeball instead.  Yep.  Direct eye contact throughout dinner with a stranger at the next table.

Unraveling ... the tangled up mess had stopped tangling up my heart ... sometime ago ... I just didn't know it ... until last nite ... when the lights came up and I realized that the stranger was really not a stranger at all.

A life covered in prayer is less likely to unravel.  That's the gift she gave me when my world was falling apart ... a message of hope & encouragement that continues to speak to me daily ... even as she pulled the rug completely out from under my feet.

Forgiveness.  It's a chance.  It's recognizing the hurt.  It's showing mercy.  It's living free of bitterness. It's taking responsibility for your own life. 

By the end of the evening, God simply couldn't contain Himself.  He had the perfect punchline ... ready & waiting for me. 

Guess I should have seen it coming ...

The seating arrangements ... how in the world did you let that happen?  I asked my friend who organized the event.  She was clueless.  What?!?!  So I explained it to her with a laugh ...

I wanted to know if it had been deliberate ... somehow.  In the end, she said no it wasn't.

But it was.  Deliberate.  Just not on her part.

I know for sure that it was because when I asked the question ... her immediate, unconcious response was simply one word.

Forgiveness. 

Yep. That's what she said.

"Forgiveness, MJ.  That's the message.  Don't you get it?!?!"

We were both stunned and amazed at her spontaneous outburst. And His laughter & love filled the empty gymnasium. 

As always, the joke was on me ... and God had the last laugh.

... you see, forgiving isn't about healing the other person's hurts ... it's about allowing our hurts to heal ...

Getting hurt ... forgiving ... it changes us ... sometimes for the better ...
Choosing happy.  That's been my focus for a couple of years now.  And yesterday, on one of my best friends' birthday I gave the greatest gift  ... ever ... to myself ...

Forgiveness.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer