There's No Place Like Home ...

Imagine my surprise ... last week ... on my last run-through before Thanksgiving at the local, family-owned grocery store near my house. I rounded the corner of the produce aisle &  found a display of peanuts.
Not just ANY peanuts ... Jimbo's Jumbos peanuts !!!

Yes, indeed.  I bought some.  Just because .... yeah ... just because.

Those peanuts were the catalyst for a lot of soul-searching ... and scab picking ... throughout the rest of the week. You know sometimes, you just rip the band-aid off ... flake the crusty scab ... and realize that that wound you've been worrying over for so long has actually healed ... on it's own ... without you even knowing it ...

... and THAT's something to be thankful for ...

Jimbo's Jumbos.  Finding those peanuts whisked me back to a Thanksgiving a long, long time ago ... in a far away land ...  when I was a young, idealistic woman ... with goals & dreams ... learning to be bold ... confident ... independent ... determined ...

... to take on the world ... to make a difference ... with my smiles ...

Yes.  That was me.  I found it written exactly that way ... on a To Do list  ... stuck in an old journal that I ran across recently while turning my house upside down.

It caught me off-guard ... stunned that I didn't remember ... something as important as that.

"Success" & all its trappings were all over that list,  I must admit ...

Success was defined differently by me then ... much different from how I see it today...

That Thanksgiving was the very first one I ever spent away from home.  I had moved to Edenton, North Carolina earlier in the year.  It was a long way from Edenton to Little Rock.  So I had decided to make the trip home at Christmas ... not Thanksgiving.

Even though I had been on my own for a few holiday seasons before that Thanksgiving ... living in Dallas ... getting home really hadn't ever been a problem ...

This was my first taste of REAL LIFE interferring with my being where I wanted to be  ... when I wanted to be there.  It was killing me.

Oh yeah.  About the peanuts.  Jimbo's Jumbos come from Edenton, NC.  It is one of the primary businesses in that sleepy little town ... full of history ... colonial history, peanut history & MY history ...

I wasn't the only one having a problem with the whole Thanksgiving thing.  My mom & my grandmother, Mimi, weren't too happy about the thought of an MJless turkey  day either.  So they loaded up the truck and headed to ... well, actually they flew into Raleigh ... but you get the picture.

... funny, I am sure that I knew at the time ... but I honestly don't remember what the rest of the family did for Thanksgiving that year ...

So that's how it happened ... that I learned how to cook a turkey & all of the fixins'  in my very own kitchen ... the way Mimi always did it ... on that first grown-up Thanksgiving ...

Edenton, North Carolina.  Home of the Jimbo's Jumbos.  Changed. My. Life.

A couple of years later ... there was that Christmas ... in Virginia Beach.  One of the most miserable Christmas' ever.  No real family.  No real friends. 

Lonely.  Lonely. 

And again, I couldn't go home.  It was just too far.  Twice that fall I had traveled back .. to say farewell to my father ... in real life ... in after life.

We were a struggling young couple ... with jobs that required a lot of time & didn't pay so much ... with a child on the way ...

Money was tight.  It simply wasn't possible.

Bottomline ... it wasn't going to be Christmas for me ... since I couldn't be at home ... with my Mimi ... and my Mom ... and my family ...

I was 20-something ... all grown up ... with a husband ... and the little girl in me was longing to go home ... for Christmas ... life was pretty lousy ... at 20-something.

Home.  Where I was safe & secure.  Always welcome.  And loved unconditionally.  That place that I could always run back to ... to tag up ... to regroup ... recharge ... before heading out again ... to search for those really important things in life ...

So I clicked my ruby slippers ... over and over again. 

"There's no place like home.  There's no place like home.  There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

Then early in December, the phone rang.  It was Mimi.

"Little darling ... do you want to come home for Christmas? "  "Yes, Mimi.  I do.  More than anything."  "I will make it happen."

And she did.  A small check in the mail ... that gave me the gift that money couldn't buy ... long before "priceless" became the buzz word for such things.

I can still hear her voice.  Today.  Nobody ever called me "Little Darling" ... nobody except for her.

There's no place like home.

The years went by.  No matter where I was Mimi always came to see me.  My Mom did, too.  And no matter what ... I always came back ... here  ... from whereever I was living ... because in my mind ... it was this place ... that was home.

It was just the way we loved ... each other .. in my family. 

Later, after Mimi left us ... things changed.  I still came back ... year after year ... even when the road ran one way ... because it was ... home ...

Except that it no longer felt that way ... at least not the way I remembered it.

I miss Mimi.  She always made me feel like it was all about me ... of course, I think I knew all along that it was really all about her ... either way ... it doesn't matter ... it felt good  ... plain & simple ... she loved me ... no matter what ...

There's no place like home.

So maybe it really wasn't the way we loved ... each other ... in my family.

Maybe it was simply the way SHE loved ... me.

I don't know.

It's going to be Christmas soon.  And my daughter will be coming to my house ... a place that will never feel like home to her.  Home ... to Abbi ... will always have an ocean view.

That's ok.  I get it. Honest.  I do.  It's all good.

And we will all go to my mother's house ... and we will enjoy being there ... with her ... at her house ... still it won't be the same ... as it was ... when it was home.

It's sad ... really.  How things change.  How they stay the same.

There's no place like home.

It's a special kind of love that transcends families ... where fresh starts abound ... and even though forgiveness isn't always easy it wins out in the end every time ... where nothing is ever more important than the relationships ... all the wrongs ... all the hurts ... while not forgotten are somehow gotten past ... because there's nothing more important ... than HOME.

Somehow home got lost along the way.  Or maybe it just wasn't as important to anyone else ... as it was to me. 

I have always tried to recapture that feeling  ... of home ... to serve it up ... at my house ... whereever that house was.  To open my heart ... to offer that unconditional love  ... To my family.  To my friends.

Somehow I thought if they could feel it ... than so would I ... yeah ... than so would I.

I have always wanted Abbi & Jessi to be wrapped up in that same kind of love that gave me the confidence ... to boldly go ... over the rainbow ... out-of-bounds ... to follow my dreams ... even when they turned out to be something less than I imagined.

And season-after-season ... I traveled back ... trying desperately to find ... my way ... home ...

You know ... right where I left it ... in a place where we had phone numbers ... not digits ... or contact lists ... phone numbers that started with prefixes like "FRanklin" and "MOhawk" ...

There's no place like home.

And there I was ... on Thanksgiving ... in a house ... in another place ... that always takes me back ...

Just me ... good friends  ... and that silly bag of  Jimbo's Jumbos.

And it came to me ... early one morning ... as the fog rolled across the lake ...

Maybe it's not really the way we loved ... each other ...  in my family.  And maybe it really wasn't simply the way Mimi loved ... me.  Either.

Maybe it's been ME all along.  Loving others the way I wanted to be loved.

I don't know. 

All I know is that going home is the journey I have been on ... for all of my adult life ... trying to find my way ... to that cozy, comfy place.  And all the roads that seem to have led me to nowhere ... are bringing me closer ... to where I want to be ... I am almost there ... I can feel it ...

Follow the yellow brick road ... FOLLOW the yellow brick road ... follow the yellow brick ROAD ...

Jessi gets it.  Home is whereever she feels safe ... accepted ... and loved.

It's as simple as that. 

So, yeah ... I ripped off that band-aid ... to find a wound that had healed ... all on it's own.  There's a still a little scar ... and that's ok ... cuz it really doesn't hurt .. not anymore.

Home doesn't always have an ocean view.  And it isn't always found in Little Rock ... even though that's where I thought I left it. 

And Jimbo's Jumbos still taste great ... we didn't find a bad nut in the bag.

And on Christmas morning ... we will all go to my mother's house ... the house that I used to think was home ... and maybe ... Santa will have a little extra Christmas magic ... there in his bag ... when he stops by ...

And as we share the traditional pound cake & coffee ..

Maybe ... just maybe ... we will ALL feel it ...

... the way we used to love ... each other .. in my family ...

Home.  It's that place where you find that all that really matters ... is what is found right there.  Home is ... plain & simply ... where the love is.

Now THAT would be a very Merry Christmas ... at least it would be ... for me.

There's no place like home.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) November 2010

Homeward Bound ...

For a variety of reasons, my real family did things for Thanksgiving ... that weren't all together.  We're all grown-ups ... and have expanded families now.  And that's ok.

In a conversation with some of them earlier in the week, I had to explain to them what Thanksgiving was really all about for me. It's not necessarily the same for them. You see we are all wired differently ... and different things mean .. well, different things ... to each of us.

It's a common belief ... in my family ... that since my divorce ... and Abbi's marriage ... and all that's happened over the last few years ... that I don't really have a family of my own .... or a home ... or traditions.

Funny, how everyone else always thinks they know who you are ... and what you are thinking ... better than you know yourself. 

Sometime or other this weekend,  Alice In Wonderland was on in the background. The Tim Burton version. And Alice is being asked over and over and over ... "Who are you?"

Questioned ... challenged ... frustrated ... she replies, "From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not having to be Alice, but this is MY dream. I’ll decide where it will go from here."

I know exactly how she feels.

The truth is I do know who I am ... and have been finding my way back to a Mary Jane that I really, really like ... one with traditions ... and family ... life ... and a strong desire to be "home".

Yes, it has been different these last few years ... and there were a couple of years that I wouldn't have been able to pull off a frozen t.v. dinner ... without melting down completely.  And it's nice that an extra effort was made to let me know that I did have somewhere to go ... so that I didn't have to be at my house ... alone ... at those times.

Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is one of my very favorite family things to do. And it has been a let-down each year since my divorce to simply bring along a dish or two rather than busying about for days making all of my favorites and sharing my home & my heart with the people I love.

That's what I do.  That's who I am. 

It was my choice to spend the long weekend at the home of someone that I consider family. It's a long story ... how we are sorta-cousins. .. three generations from then - until now.

There's been a lot of hurt & betrayal & distance woven through the course of our friendship. It's nice to be at a place in time where the forgiveness & fondness overshadow the disappointments & let-downs.

It's a special kind of love that transcends families ... where fresh starts abound ... and even though forgiveness isn't always easy it wins out in the end every time ... where nothing is ever more important than the relationships ... all the wrongs ... all the hurts ... while not forgotten are somehow gotten past ... because there's nothing more important ... than "home".

It was comfortable. Familiar. Fun. It was good. And right. 

... and it was there ... this week ... that I realized where I want to be ...

... home ...

Home is place that's safe. Filled with love & acceptance. It's where you get to simply be you ... no pretense. And it's ok. No matter what. You're always wanted & welcome there. And if you're lucky, there's one someone special there who shares life with you. Home it's where you find that nothing else matters except for what is found there.

I was reminded of that this morning ... when Simon & Garfunkel's Homeward Bound was played ... at church ... and that's when it hit me  ... that's the journey I am on ...

... the road that appears to keep leading to nowhere ... it's really leading me HOME ...

So back to Thanksgiving ...

... there were turkey games galore ... turkey games are much like reindeer games ... just not talked about as much.

Gobble. Gobble.

The festivities started with the "making of the dressing" game. It's a long standing family tradition. It's a game I am pretty sure that I "won" based on the rules set forth by Aunt Julia ... not 100% positive, though ... lots of fuzzy places towards the end of the game ... and no one's shared the score with me ... at least not yet.

One thing I do know is that I let a couple of boomerangs fly ... a little too soon. I hate it when that happens. Cuz success in boomeranging is always in the timing & the toss. Oh, well. It is what it is. And who knows?!?! Maybe I blundered into the "right" time ... accidently ... that would definitely be a first for me ...

Time will tell.  It always does.

Card-playin' was on the agenda as well.  A lot of card playin'. Somehow that didn't really happen. There were some friendly hands of spades & Texas hold 'em that were lively & fun, though ... with two young but very strategic players. If we would have had the chips out, I am pretty sure the poker playing would have been extremely competitive and challenging!


Thanksgiving night was full of games, too.  First there was the "silent" game.  That wasn't any fun ... so I was really glad that Yahtzee prevailed.  There was a first time Yahtzee thrower in our midst so, of course, HE was graced with beginner's luck.

Seriously.  Every single time he rolled the dice, he came up with a Full House or a Straight.  Unbelievable.  Vegas, Baby! 

I, on the other hand, had not so much luck ... rolling the dice.  Still I kept in mind that the goal of the game was to Yahtzee!  Roll after lame roll ... I marked my less-than-mediocre numbers on the score sheet.  Then amidst the laughter & chatter ... I rolled three 2's ... lousy cuz I already had my 2s and an equally depressing 3-of-a-Kind.

On the second roll, I got another 2.  Wow!  I was actually going to make 4-of-a-Kind without having to scratch it off ... for a possible total of 14 pts.  Sheesh!

Than ... just like that ... I rolled the last 2 ... YAHTZEE! 

It was the only one of the game.  So I won. In the end.

Interesting.

Moved on to Apples to Apples.  First we were going to play until someone had 3 cards.  Than it was 5 cards.  Than it was until 9 p.m. And in the end we played 4 1/2 hours ...

It was a special time filled with love, laughter ... and healing.

For the record, there wasn't a HOMEless card ... or I would have have had it.  Still I had some interesting cards in my mix :

Cranky, generous, intelligent, kind, hopeless, cute, inspirational, distinguished (which I liked better than the companion card "dignified") ...

... and then there was that "create-your-own-card" that was thrown in for good measure ..."humpless" ... gotta feel the love when it comes from those who love ya ... I'm just saying.

Funny.  There wasn't a "happy" card in the box ... at least not that turned up in the hours that we played.

Again, Mr. I'm-New-To-The-Game was on a hot streak.  And I think everyone assumed he was going to be the winner when we totaled up the cards accumulated at the end. 

Nope.  It was me.  By one card.  Apparently it was the highly coveted "juicy" card that brought me the win.

... homeward bound ...

Of course, the entire week had been building up to the Razorback game on Saturday.  A game where the play was elevated by the possible outcome ... the Sugar Bowl.  And what a game it was.  Full of blunders & errors ... time clock issues ... still in the end, the Hogs won the game ... in spite of themselves ... in spite of the "lost" time ... they never lost sight of what was on the other side of the goal line ... the Sugar Bowl.

Somehow, the Razorback game is a complete and accurate analogy of my week of turkey games:  fumbles, overthrown passes, dropped balls, missteps on every drive ... and that whole "timing" thing ... yet they didn't let the unexpected ... or the obvious mistakes ... or miscalculated choices ... defeat them ...

Neither will I.

The action in football takes place in a set amount of game time ... so the end of the game is clearly defined ...

Not so much in life.

One of the similarities of football & boomeranging is the importance of  "timing" and the "toss".  Both the Hogs & I struggled with those things ... this time ...

Of course, the difference between football ... and boomeranging ... is the predictability of the outcome ... you know, where the thing's going to land or how long it's going to take to come back around .

Today, I am feeling pretty great.  I know what I want.  I know where I am heading.  It's ok that I am not like everyone else.

A lot of time was spent talking ... my sorta-cousin and I ... sharing things.  Things like the difference between satisfaction and happy.  Existing and living.  And why some people approach it all one way ... and others go about it completely different ... and all of us ... are looking for the same things ... and none of us are seeming to find it ...

Intellectual conversation.  Much like Apples-to-Apples.

I watch as so many people I care about rush about filling up their time and the emptiness in their lives with casual encounters ... meaningless flirtations ... friendships that are already ending before they even start ... wondering at the end of the day why they are still lonely ... even though they aren't alone.

... and gradually, over time, they are giving away the special things ... sharing pieces of their hearts randomly ... losing themselves along the way ... because ... well, just because ...

... it would be like playing Apples-to-Oranges ... and expecting to win.

I tried to explain what it was that I wanted and really didn't come up with it at the time.  This morning Del said in his message that one of the telltale signs that a couple is in trouble relationally is when they stop "enjoying" each other.

Yahtzee!  That's it!  I want to be be sharing my life with someone ... I want to ENJOY life with someone who fits me perfectly.

... and in our conversations, I finally said outloud somethings that I haven't really wanted to admit ... because once I said them ... I was going to have accept the truth.  Not so much bad things ... things that explain my confusion and frustration at times ... about the not-so-perfect man who fits me perfectly ...

It's affirmation that I AM different.  What I have to offer is rare & unique ... as long as I don't allow myself to give it away ... in little pieces ... in places that don't really matter ... except to fill time.

I don't have time ... to be wasting my time ... by spending my time ...myself ... tangled up in nothing.

For me that means hanging on to the pieces of my heart ... the treasures of ME ... and not wasting them in places that I know from the start aren't ever going to feel like home ...

Want to know what "home" feels like?  At least to me ... take a look at one of the BEST Thanksgiving movies ever ...
 

So I am rolling the dice ... taking a chance ... laying all of my cards on the table ... waiting on the what comes around from the unexpected boomerang release ...

... impatiently waiting patiently ...

What if I can't wait?!?

TURKEY!  ...turkey .. turkey .. turkey ...

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Novemeber 2010

... from Thanksgiving ...

Look through different eyes for awhile

See the things that hide

Live through different feelings for a... minute

Feel things you were scared to

It all adds up

Welcome to my world.

~ Morgan Izzy Weir

November 2010

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) November 2010

Comfy, cozy, homey ...

The moving ... from the upstairs to the downstairs ... from the downstairs to the upstairs ... continues...

Like all changes, it's been a process.  Interesting thing is that Jessi who is so familiar-driven has adjusted nicely to the turpsy-turvy idea of swapping her space for mine.  And I who am the one who thrives on change is struggling somehow with the whole thing.

Today I have made a tremendous amount of progress in preparing the room upstairs.  Ripped out the last bit of carpet in Jessi's old room ... arranged the furniture ... hung some pictures ... placed some interesting things around to make it feel, well, for lack of a better word ... homey.

There's an original "Holly Hobby"-ish painting that one of my Mom's friends ... one of my favorite people ... painted for me when I was very young.  And a gigantic purple Crayola bear that was given to Abbi when she was about 2 years old.  And a goofy looking doll with long arms & legs that was made especially for me by a best friend in Junior High ... he DOES have a name but I can't tell you ... it's a secret ... what "happened" in a Junior High girl's imagination should stay  ... well, I plead Vegas-style confidentiality.

It has been fun ... kinda sorta. 

A little bit ago, it struck me that the project was reminiscent of those times in my past when I was moving into places that were the springboards for fresh starts. Like my dorm room at college ... that first little apartment in Dallas ... the cute little house with the fenced in yard when I ventured off to the east coast for the very first time. 

Small, cozy places .... providing safe harbor while I found my bearings ... as I raced forward into a new adventure ... or life .... that's exactly what the room-that-used-to-be-Jessi's feels like ... to me ... right now.

I found $1.14 underneath the last bit of carpet that I ripped out today.  And a handful of pieces ... from a variety of puzzles.  Prosperity abounds.

I mustn't get too comfortable, though ... because it's temporary.  It's actually a room that I am preparing for a friend ... who will be making a new start ... here ... in January.

Next week I will start over ... in the room-that-used-to-be-Abbi's.

Yeah. A new year ... a new life ...

... & random pieces to my puzzle ...

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) November 2010

Boomerang ...

I know some people ... who have been playing with boomerangs.

Actually, they aren't just "people I know" ... they are friends ... people that I care about ... a whole lot.

Playing with boomerangs is a little less risky than playing with fire.  At least it seems that way at the time.  You just throw it out there ... frisbee-style ... and watch it fly into the distance.  And sometimes, if thrown with enough force it soars completely out-of-sight ...

... out-of-sight ... out-of-mind .... those boomerangs fly ...

Until they return ... to smack you in the head ... sneaking up on you ... when you least expect it ... sometimes the impact is so great it knocks you completely off of your feet.

What goes around ... comes around.

Yeah.  Actions have consequences.  So do choices.  Choices are actions, after all.  Standing still ... not choosing ... IS an action ... in a passive agressive kind of way ...

Sometimes what comes around is good.  But generally, that phrase is only tossed about when it's got something to do with negative consequences ... payback ... or plain & simple stupidity.

It's hard to know what to do for your friends when the "comes around" comes around.  Espeically when you saw it coming all along .. from the moment they let that boomerang fly.

Not being an "I-told-you-so" kind of person, the only real option is to sit on the sidelines and watch the game ... unfold ... play-by-play ... hoping that the pass isn't intercepted ... that the fumble is recovered ... that the rebounding wins the game in the end.

The consequences are often steep.  Painful.  And expensive. And I'm not just talking about money.

Mistakes are made ... lessons are to be learned from them.  Minimizing the behavior or trying to justify the misguided actions that brings someone to the consequences would be wrong.  At times, the temptation to rub the puppy's nose in the wet spot & toss 'em out the back door is almost impossible to resist. 

Seriously, sometimes the direct, deliberate, honest approach is the only way to go.

Still ... it hurts ... to watch people that you care about ... hurt.  And it seems cruel to point out to them that there's no one to blame for what's happening other than themselves.  No one wants to hear that. 

Really.  They don't.

My friends know that I am always going to be honest with them.  About my mistakes ... my shortcomings ... and that I am probably not going to sugarcoat the truth when it comes to the big stuff in their lives either.

It doesn't mean that I am not going to be supportive ... or encouraging ... because I am .

Or that I will abandon them because they messed up somehow ... because I won't.

I'm always going to be there ... for my friends ... no matter what trouble they find themselve in ... time after time after time ...

I might shake my head in amazement when it takes them several "goes arounds" to get it ... and I will be the first on my feet applauding them when they finally figure it out ... whatever IT is.

Of course, I have no room to talk.  I've tossed out a few boomerangs in my time.  Some of them are just now finding their way back ... to MY back ... I am still reeling from the impact of some of them ... fortunately a few of them have landed gently at my feet.

A friend said to me, "You know, MJ.  It's harder to be a friend ... your friend ... than this whole falling-in-love thing."  That was a year or so ago. 

He was right ... even though he made it sound like it was almost too much trouble ... or something.  Time will tell whether it really is too hard, I guess ... somehow time always tells.

Isn't it funny how there are so many people who wander in and out of our lives who say a lot of things ... but never anything that sticks with us ... that matters ... or is important ?!? 

And others, no matter what they say ...  it causes us to pause ... to consider another point of view ... to maybe even change direction ... or wonder who we are?!?

Being a friend means being honest.  Telling the truth even if it's hard to do at times.  Sticking around to pick up the pieces when the puzzle scatters all over the floor.  It's believing in someone ... even when what they say or do is so totally wrong.  It's saying I'm sorry when you mess up ... it's offering forgiveness in return.

It's loving unconditionally.

At least that's what it means to me.

...and maybe it IS harder than the whole "falling-in-love" thing ... I don't really know much about that ...

Guess I will just keep tossing out a boomerang from time-to-time ... investing a bit of myself into the lives of the people I care about ... and who knows when or where I will find my passion ... but it will be there in one of those "comes arounds" ... I just know it.

The odds are in my favor.

One in ten million.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) November 2010

Forgiving ...

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthday.  She has been getting messages ... mixed signals ... for days ... maybe even weeks or months ... about what's coming next ... in her life ...

Just one word.  Possibilities.  Simple enough.  A little scary, maybe ... but very, very cool!

I've been getting a bunch of messages, too ... since my birthday in July ... the BEST birthday I've had in too many years to count ...about what's coming next ... in my life ...

In a word, Forgiveness.

*Sigh* Not so simple.  Why do I always get the IMPOSSIBLE tasks?!?!

Maybe it's because I dream big ... and wish for the things that involve magic & miracles ...

A great message was presented on Sunday by a guest speaker.  He says he doesn't "preach" any more ... he simply speaks ... or maybe he speaks simply ... either way ... it went a long way to helping me figure out how to bring closure to some things ...

Hurt really does hurt ... that's what he said.

Of course, I know that ... I just never wanted to say it outloud.  Nope. I'd rather try to shove the hurt way down deep inside ... pretending that it's not there ... because I simply don't want to hurt ... don't want to let anyone know they have hurt me ... or that  I am hurting ... I am too tough & strong ... to be hurt ...

... you don't have the power to hurt me ...

Yeah, right.  Whatever.

Many of the things I am going to say about what forgiveness IS and ISN'T were shared with us on Sunday ... they resonated deeply with me ...

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting.  It's NOT pretending something didn't happen.

One of the deepest wounds in my heart dates back to my pre-teen years.  It's one that has held me back & impacted every important relationship in my life.  Only recently have I been willing ... and possibly able ... to scrape all of the scar tissue off of it and examine it ... closely.  

It's amazing to me that it has taken me two lifetimes to get here. 

There is a "new" friend in my life who was actually the catalyst for the acceptance of this hurt ... the realization that it was caused by someone else's insecurity & feelings of inadequancy ... and I should have never accepted it as my own.

Thank you  ... for simply being you ... WHO you are ... & choosing to be my friend ... acting as if  it was ME that was somehow bringing something special to YOUR life ...

That opened the door a crack ... allowing me to see it all so clearly.

... and you don't even know you did that ... for me ...

The door is wide open now ... and the view outside is amazing!

Forgiving is NOT justifying.  I always want to over-think everything ... to understand why someone did what they did or said what they said. 

Understanding WHY really doesn't make it OK.

An important friend hurt me deeply a few years ago ... he had been there for me as I made a couple of the hardest decision of my life ... he shared my pain as I cried & ranted & prayed ... if anyone had ever suggested that he wouldn't always be there for me I would have scoffed at the thought of it ...

... there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me ... yet he denied me three times ... before the cock crowed ... without even blinking an eye ...

There really aren't any words to describe the devastation that I felt as he coldly removed me from his life...without ever talking about it ...

Sure, I know what happened.  And I accept full responsibility for my part in what took place that set that domino-effect into motion.  If I had it to do over, there's really nothing I would have said or done differently. 

Maybe he honestly feels the same way.  It doesn't really matter now.

And even though I knew why he did what he did at the time ... it doesn't mean that I will ever understand it.

I forgave him almost immediately.  Still it didn't fix things or take away any of the hurt.  And even though we have managed to re-establish a friendship now .. now that things have changed ...

It still hurts from time-to-time.

He says often ... "You HAVE to understand why ..."  But I don't.  I don't "have to" ... understand.

He's not the only one that's used that argument on me recently.  It makes me angry when people do that.  Try to place the burden of responsibility on everyone else ... on me ... because they are hurting somehow ... and don't know how to fix it ... or aren't willing to examine their hurts ... their hearts ...  and offer the forgiveness that will free them.

It's hard, I know.  But heck, if I am willing to do it ... then they should do it, too.  It's only fair ... and life is always fair ... right?!?

Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation or trust.  Forgiveness means you have come to terms with that person &
what they've done to you.  It doesn't mean you have to trust them in the same way again. 

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthdays.  She is moving into the new year of her life with hope & expectation ... embracing the possibilities ...

Me, too.

Last nite I spent the evening with some of my favorite people.  We laughed & shared little bits of our lives.  It was fun where we were ... because we were there together. 

And my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... He showed up, too.

Actually, He had been hanging out with me all day ... even though He was being really quiet so I wouldn't know He was there ... watching me as I realized that the unraveling of things wasn't a negative after all ...

Sometimes you have to unravel the tangled up mess in order to have a fresh start ...

First there was the early morning phone call.  Forgiveness.  It was hanging in the air.  I even said to myself afterwards how great it felt to know that I was finally forgiving that lifelong, life-altering hurt ... knowing that THAT person who truly loves me better than life never even realized what they had done all those years ago ... knowing that it was never intentional ... it was just one of life's hurts.

Then came the intense, heart wrenching conversation over lunch.  I knew God was sitting there ... though .. with me.  He had His hand on my shoulder ... whispering in my ear ... forgive, MJ ... that's all you have to do ... I will take care of the rest ... he's almost there ...

That's ALL I have to do ?!?

So the day ended in the company of people who love me.  And as we wandered into the situation of the evening ... late ... finding our seats ... it was just too funny.  By the time we all settled in, everyone at our table was giggling ...

I chose to avoid the back-to-back position ... only to discover that it was eyeball-to-eyeball instead.  Yep.  Direct eye contact throughout dinner with a stranger at the next table.

Unraveling ... the tangled up mess had stopped tangling up my heart ... sometime ago ... I just didn't know it ... until last nite ... when the lights came up and I realized that the stranger was really not a stranger at all.

A life covered in prayer is less likely to unravel.  That's the gift she gave me when my world was falling apart ... a message of hope & encouragement that continues to speak to me daily ... even as she pulled the rug completely out from under my feet.

Forgiveness.  It's a chance.  It's recognizing the hurt.  It's showing mercy.  It's living free of bitterness. It's taking responsibility for your own life. 

By the end of the evening, God simply couldn't contain Himself.  He had the perfect punchline ... ready & waiting for me. 

Guess I should have seen it coming ...

The seating arrangements ... how in the world did you let that happen?  I asked my friend who organized the event.  She was clueless.  What?!?!  So I explained it to her with a laugh ...

I wanted to know if it had been deliberate ... somehow.  In the end, she said no it wasn't.

But it was.  Deliberate.  Just not on her part.

I know for sure that it was because when I asked the question ... her immediate, unconcious response was simply one word.

Forgiveness. 

Yep. That's what she said.

"Forgiveness, MJ.  That's the message.  Don't you get it?!?!"

We were both stunned and amazed at her spontaneous outburst. And His laughter & love filled the empty gymnasium. 

As always, the joke was on me ... and God had the last laugh.

... you see, forgiving isn't about healing the other person's hurts ... it's about allowing our hurts to heal ...

Getting hurt ... forgiving ... it changes us ... sometimes for the better ...
Choosing happy.  That's been my focus for a couple of years now.  And yesterday, on one of my best friends' birthday I gave the greatest gift  ... ever ... to myself ...

Forgiveness.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer

Plans ...

Remember when we were young ... hanging out with friends ... doing whatever young people do.  For us, back in the day when there were only three network channels on the television ... no computers ... no video games ... no cell phones ... faced with a whole day with nothing but our imagination to guide us ... we would take a walk ... go to the mall ... congregate in the McDonald's parking lot ...

... and try to figure out what to do next ... that would be fun & interesting.

Not much has changed ... well, except for all of the distractions ... and the locations ...

We still spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to do next ... that will be fun & interesting ... and we talk it over with our friends ...

Anyway, we would spend all day out in the neighborhood & decide that the best plan was for everyone to sleep over at one house or another ... an all-nighter of a-plottn' & a-plannin' ...

At home, though, our parents had "other" plans ... for us.  So in the end ... we would do what they had planned instead of what we cooked up on our own.

You know, that's one of the reasons we have parents ... to teach us important lessons ... early on ... so that we don't get crossed up later in life.

The lesson here was simple: Don't make plans without checking them out at home first.

Lesson learned ... NOT!

Somehow we don't seem to learn some of those lessons ... the first time ... the second time ... the one-hundred-millionth time ...

Last week I had a great visit with a friend that I haven't seen in quite sometime ... think it might have even been a year ... time sure does fly ... when you're ... busy.

She said, "Last time we talked you were launching your consulting company ... tell me what's you've been doing the past year."

My jaw dropped.  I just stared at her.  Then I said, "You REALLY want to know what I've been doing for the past year?!?!" 

Amazing. Truth is, I know that she really DID want to know all about it.  *sigh*

Where to start.

A year or so ago ... I embarked on a new adventure.  I had given it a lot of thought.  I had prayed about it.  And I had plan.  I even wrote it down.

And I started working that plan ... and it was working!

Then God said, "Hey, MJ!  Go over there. Do that. I know you have a plan but, guess what?!?!  I have OTHER plans for you!"

You see, even though I had checked with Him when I started down the new path ... I got so caught up in the journey that I forgot to check with Him along the way.  Of course, once He pointed out that "detour" sign over there, I knew there was no doubt that I was going to take it.

That's one lesson I HAVE learned ... that whatever God has planned for me is going to be far more amazing than anything I could ever dream up on my own ... even with the help of my friends!

So for about an hour, I caught her up on all that had been going on with me.  The conversation was peppered with ... oh, and this happened ... yeah, well, that's another story ... still she got the overview ... the big picture ...

Then it was her turn.  She began to share what was going on with her.  She had been making progress, too. 

And, yep, she had made a plan!

Hers was a story of an amazing few days she spent in dialogue with her best friend, God.  She shared what was in her heart & asked for His direction. 

He didn't let her down.

At the end of her sojourn, she had a plan ... a written plan ... with His fingerprints all over it.

She shared it with others who are close to her.  And then she started putting it into play.  And things were coming along nicely.  Maybe a little slower than she would have liked ... we are always in such a hurry to get where we are going ... after all ...

God is never in a hurry.

Then life started getting in the way ... of her plan ... she had roadblocks ... distractions ... maybe even a setback or two.  I am not sure because she was giving me the Reader's Digest version, too. 

Still, somehow, things weren't going ... according to HER plan ...

Imagine that!

So she has had to go back ... to regroup ... to say, "Hey, God, I told you what I wanted to do & you said sure go ahead ... so why the delay?!?!"

... and God is shaking  His head ... at her ... at me ... and He is smiling ...the "original" smile that lights up the universe ...

*sigh* ... smiles that light up the universe ... another lesson learned ... another story ...

Sure.  He LIKES our plans.  He even inspired the crafting of them. 

But no matter how hard we try ... or how many times we ask Him ... there's simply no way that we can get it just right ... without any changes ... life doesn't work that way.

We make our plans ... go about our business ... making the choices that need to be made ... to move forward. 

Heck, we can even make GOOD choices ... the RIGHT choices ... and, still, things don't turn out the way we planned.

That's because life always involves other people.  It's all about relationships.  And those other people ... they have plans, too.  And they also get to make their own choices. 

And not everyone checks in to see if their plans are lined up with His plans.

So there we are ... traveling down our road ... with our compass & our map ... our plan securely in place ... when suddenly we encounter a scarecrow ... or a lion ... or a tin man ...

That wasn't really part of our plan ... it wasn't really part of their plans, either ...

And next thing you know ... our plans ... collide with their plans ... and that's when His plan begins to unfold ...

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010

Effortless ...

The word popped up in a conversation with an old friend last Sunday ... while we were discussing how it was that we were worshiping in the same church ... on that day ... it isn't often that we do that anymore ...

... it used be to routine.

Taking a break. Resting. Recharging.  That's what he was doing.  Spending a little time with himself.  And God. 

It's funny.  People think that people who pour it out ... day-after-day ... week-after-week ... do what they do ... touching lives ... making a difference ... by giving of themselves ...they do it ... and it's effortless.

That's what he said.  And we both laughed.  A little.  Because, well, we know better.

So I've been pondering "effortless".

Lots of my friends are in transition right now.  And I guess I am, too. 

Stalled.  Impatiently waiting patiently.  That's where I am right now.  I quit worrying over it ... trying to take control ... fix it ... recently ... which is really not like me ... usually I am do-it-if-it's-wrong kinda gal ... you know, making things happen.

This time it isn't working that way ... not for me.  It's been wasted effort.

One friend told me ... and God ... that she guessed she needed a burning bush ... so there would be no doubt of what she was supposed to be doing now ... next ... she'd been trying so hard ... to move in the direction she thought she should be going.  Truth is, it was the direction she WANTED to be going. 

God has other plans.  Effortless ones.

And late yesterday, in the midst of the pouring rain, I received a text that simply said "I got a burning bush!"

How cool is that?!?  A burning bush in the midst of the storm.

A new leaf.  That was another message ... from another friend ... who is struggling to make sense of it all.

Effortless.  It's all so simple.  Really it is.  So why do we make it so hard?  Trying to do it our way ... as if, we even have a clue.

Earlier this week I had dinner with my friend who has always been like a sister to me ... who is now married to my brother ... guess that makes us "family" all the way around ... legally and in the heart ...

She is so special. 

Growing up, I wanted to be just like her.  Beautiful ... bold ... bright ... intelligent ... fun ... confident ... there wasn't anything she couldn't do ... at least that's the way it looked to me.

When she got those  brown wooden Candies  ... with the three straps ... I had to have some, too.  Remember, we wore them all year-round ... feet bare in the warm weather & with our bright colored socks in the cooler times.  LOL.

And when she took the road less traveled and chose French over Spanish in high school .... I knew that was exactly what I was going to do as well.

In junior high she had a boyfriend.  They wrote notes and talked on the phone.  She called him "botchulism".  She smiled when she said it ... and once again, she was leading the way as we came of age ... discovering who we were and who we weren't.  I wanted to feel that way about some boy ... someday.

She has always done the good stuff first. Showing me ... how easy it was ... effortlessly.

Like being independent .  She's been an entrepreneur from the git-go ... it took me years to get there ... here ...

And finding happiness.  Once again, she is blazing the trail.  After waiting a lifetime, she has found her way into the arms of her best friend ... and they both have found their passion there.  It seems so simple now ...

I want that, too.  To feel that way.  Safe & secure.  Traveling through the rest of my life with my best friend, lover & adventure partner.

She has always made each transition appear effortless ... to me.  Even though I know that it really hasn't been easy ... a lot of the time.

So we had dinner with our mothers.  Then we chatted & caught up ... just the two of us. 

She asked questions & made some comments about the different things in my blogs.  She said she loves reading what I write.  That made me smile. 

The she said the most amazing thing ... she said she looks forward to each new post ... that what I have to say always lifts her spirits.

... and there's no one in the world whose spirits I would rather raise ... right now ...

And God laughs ... outloud ... aren't you reading those messages I am sending you about "work" and  "passion"!?!  Aren't you seeing all of the signs pointing you in the direction you need to go, MJ?!?  Put the map away ... turn off the GPS ... quit trying to figure out the shortest distance from here ... to what's coming next ...

Put the top down ... shift gears ... push the pedal ... move ... forward ... accelerate ... LIVE!

You lift my spirits.  That's what she said.

I had no idea. It's just what I do. Write what I write. Share a little piece of my heart.

Effortless. 

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010