Rippin' Ready ...

The hardest part of a task ... a project ... of anything ... is simply getting started .  You know, taking that first step.  At least that's how it is for me ... and this weekend was no different.

Ripping out the carpets in my house has been on my To-Do List for awhile now.  It's just one of those things I have been putting off.  There's always a bunch of reasons not to get started on a project like that.

This weekend I decided that enough was enough.  I had some mind-clearing that needed to be tackled, too.  So I figured that was a great combination --- ripping out carpet & dealing with unwanted brain clutter. 

In typical MJ-fashion, I chose to start with the hardest part first ... the landing & the stairs for the carpet .... and, well, the memories were the hardest on the mental front. 

Armed with a claw hammer, flathead screw driver, razor cutter and pliers ... I TOOK the first step!

To be honest, removing the carpet was a lot less challenging than the wallpaper project was a few years ago.  Pretty much grab-and-pull the carpet & pad up ... pry up the tack strip ... and you're done.  Except for on the stairs.  Seems that each step was stapled with a gajillion little staples on the underneath & side edges.

Each of those teeny, tiny staples had to be pulled out individually.  And they were the really LONG ones.  It was much like plucking eyebrows ... another of my favorite pastimes ... not.

Each staple ... became representative of specific, individual conversations ... smiles ... moments ... the ones that are buried so deep that you think you will never get the whole root of it when you are pulling it out.

Once I got started I found it to be very therapeutic ... physically & mentally.  I got to do a lot of thinking ... sorting through some troublesome, heart-clogging things ... real progress was made...

The cool thing about projects like carpet removal is that it's not complex or complicated ... at every break you can visibly see the results of your labor.  You can see where you started ... and there's no question that you're finished when you're finished.

I ripped and tugged and pried and plucked and ripped and tugged some more.  Taking my time ... one step at a time.

And I thought a lot about choices.  Ones that I have made. Choices made by others.  The this-a-ways and that-a-ways which have impacted me and people I care about over the last couple of years.  And the if-onlys and what-ifs and why-nots that come along with that train of thought.

I did my best. You know. I tried hard to do the right things. And here I am today ... having to admit that things just didn't work out like I wanted them to ... it's as simple as that ... I am not going to spend any more time wondering what I could have done different ... the answer is nothing ... there is nothing I could have done ... or would have done ... different ...

Not a single thing.

And then I got to thinking about life ... and what it's really all about ... seriously ... why are we here?!?

It seems to me that when God created man (that includes woman, too), He had three purposes in mind.  Work, relationship & worship.  Yep.  That's it in a nutshell.

Adam & Eve were created for each other ... partners that fit each other perfectly ... to share the ups & downs of life ... and relationship.  They were plopped down into the Garden so that they could tend to it.  Not so they could relax & chill ... the easy life was really never part of God's plan.  You don't have take my word on that one ... it's right there in Genesis ... check it out for yourself ...

First & foremost, though, God created us to worship Him.  It's pretty plain & simple.  Put God first and He will take care of everything else. 

All of the other things that we think we have to have in order to live a happy, successful life --- money, power, things, prestige, fame, etc etc ad nauseum --- all of those things were created by us and then put ahead of the basics of work, relationship & worship.

If I do this ... if I had done that better ...when I have such-and-so ... when this-or-that happens ... THEN I will start living like the person I really want to be ... it will be easy then ... because everything will be just right ... until then it doesn't matter what I do ... yeah, right, whatever ... and the REAL floor is hiding underneath the lousy carpet, too ...

Put God first and He will take care of everything else.

This week has been full of messages from all directions hammering that point home.  And there I was at church yesterday thinking how funny it was that Del wasn't weighing in on this one.  His topic was something entirely different ... the journey of woundedness.  Still He couldn't resist the chance to ZING me right at the end when Del randomly inserted "Does God care enough about me to take care of me?"

Always glad when my best friend, God -Creator of the Universe, gets a good laugh at my expense.

As the carpet came up, the whole project turned into an exorcism ritual.

Funny, I thought that all weekend ... even said it a time or two in my commentary on the process ... the image it conjured up was powerful & exactly depicted what I was feeling ...

Being the word snob that I am, I just looked exorcism up at http://www.webster.com/ to see what it ACTUALLY meant ... ahhh ... gotta love the validation found there ...

exorcism - 1: the act or practice of exorcising

Ha ha, too funny. 

exorcise - a : to expel (an evil spirit) by adjuration b : to get rid of (something troublesome, menacing, or oppressive)

Loved the "troublesome" reference ... that's what it has been for such a long time ... adjuration, however, wasn't a familiar word ...

adjuration - 1: a solemn oath

Hit the nail right on the head. 

It's Monday morning.  The project was finished yesterday.  The bare, naked floors on the landing & stairs are evidence of my labor ... of my succesful completion of the physical project.

The "getting rid of something troublesome by way of a solemn oath" pretty much sums up the mental ripping, tugging, yanking, plucking of the weekend as well.

I have spent a lot of time over the last year struggling with the walls ... moving them ... re-arranging them ... taking a few down here and there.  Now I realize that maybe I should have taken more notice of the carpet.

It's just ratty ole carpet ... making me feel lousy day-after-day as I go about the business of living my life ... mocking me because it can ... as long as I let it lay there ... covering up any chance for me to see my surroundings with new eyes ... to make a change ...

Now all of the carpet is off of the stairs, revealing another glaring imperfection in the construction of my house.  Along the edges of the lower steps, the wallboard had been miscut ... it doesn't "fit" ... so there are gaps along the steps between the floor & the wall ... it's as if the builder said, "Oops.  Oh well, we will just cover up the flaws with carpet.  If we hide it we won't have to fix it"

*Sigh* 

It's been that way every single time I have attempted a project on my house.  There was the big hole covered up by wallpaper ... and the "wet" paint under the outdoor floor covering where someone literally tried to paint the concrete ... unsuccessfully ... so they just covered it up all wet & gooey ... and left it there for years ...

One thing I know for sure is that I can't fix the flaws in my house ... or myself ... if I don't rip out the carpet ... exposing the bare, naked floors underneath ...

I must admit that some of the nicks are fresh ... prying some of those staples out took a lot of effort & leverage ... leaving new marks in the wood with each attempt to remove that which is no longer necessary ... or desirable ...

It's interesting ... as long as the carpet was there ... all I could see was the dingy, annoying way things were.  As I gaze at the unfinished flooring that has now been revealed, I can honestly say that I have no idea what I want to do next.  There are so many possibilities ... and there is no hurry. 

Possibilities ... I like the sound of that.

Being loved is being accepted for who I really am ... when there's no carpet or wallpaper or stuff to hide the dings, the gouges, the scars, the flaws ...

First,  I  must accept all of the imperfections that make me, well ... me.  And then I have to trust someone enough to let them see me ... exposed & naked in the harsh light ... to let them touch me ... there.

It's been a long time coming ... but I am ready ... rippin' ready!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) september 2010