Morning Musings ...

Got up early this morning and took a brisk walk with a couple of friends ... just short of two miles.

When I asked for an accountability partner recently, one of these women stepped up ... she is one of the most positively motivated individuals I have ever met. The other has been a permanent fixture in my life for some 20 years or so ... closer than family ... she has open-ended permission to weigh in on anything that's going on with me.

These two friends always provide encouragement, support & interesting commentary on life & love & a myriad of other topics. Each of them is a constant source of inspiration as they bravely face the challenges that life brings their way. They always make me smile!

And this morning was no exception.

After some dialogue about children ... people that act like children ... what's on each of our plates ... some short term plans with long term impact ... we ended our walk with a discussion about my turtle stuff.

One friend said her take on the whole turtle thing is that the turtle represents me ... because the turtle never gets in a hurry ... doesn't rush into things ... takes a lot of time to make decisions ...

Ha Ha Ha. That was funny. Really?!? Is that how she sees me?!?

I am impatient. Always moving forward. A do-it-if-it's-wrong kinda gal. And this whole concept of impatiently waiting patiently has been a tremendous struggle for me. Seriously. Let's make it happen. There's nothing worse than doing nothing.

I told her that I was pretty sure that the whole turtle thing was more about the protective shell than the slow, meandering, careful lifestyle.

She continued saying that maybe the reason I keep getting that same Message From God ... over and over and over ... is that in "people" time it's redundantly showing up for days ... but that maybe in the unhurried pace of "turtle" time it's just one continuous message ... that somehow time is measured differently in turtle time ... not so much by minutes/hours/days as by distances/journeys ...

Hmmm ... might be something there ... time continuum ...

My other friend ... the one that's known me longer ... the one who has been there through ALL of my stuff ... watching my back ... picking up my slack ... believing in me unwaveringly as if I had a clue ... the one that always shows up ... yeah, the one that's always there ... no matter when ... no matter where ...

THAT friend ... sat me down last nite ... & awkwardly waded into a heartfelt conversation about turtles & their shells ...

Vulnerabilities.

Her heart was in the right place. Still I think her original conclusions were somewhat offbase.

Thing is, though, the conversation was sincere & genuine ... thought provoking ...

And I always listen to what she has to say ... because the kaleidoscope that she views life through isn't the same as mine ... her shapes & colors are uniquely her own ... as are mine ...

It's awesome to have friends who care enough about you to think about your things ... to share their thoughts on your stuff ... to be willing to take a chance on touching a nerve or pushing a button in order to help you figure it all out ...

Friends who know that they DO have the power to offend you but are willing to speak their mind rather leave you floundering in your own confusion ...

Yesterday I determined that different questions was where I would find the answer that has been eluding me ...

...day after day after day ...

As I struggle to discover what it is that is causing my life to remain the same ... even though I am eagerly searching for change.

So, yeah, I am pretty sure there is something to the "time" thing ... turtle time ... God's time ...

Because my lifetime is simply a blink of His eye ...

That's what my friend said this morning.

It's definitely something to think about ...

Different questions. That's the outcome of this morning's walk.

As we reached the corner, my two friends awkwardly exchanged a hug ... both openly acknowledging that they aren't "huggers" ... yet somehow it was ok ... it simply felt nice ... right ...

How cool is that?!?

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer 2010

A Different Question

Consider all of the different ways to do the same thing

A friend sent me an email over the weekend in response to my blog posts about turtles ... and perspective ... that's what it said.

No one of us is alike, we are all unique, and yet we are all rooted in that which is identical. It's something she says she has been giving thought to recently. The idea was part of something she was reading ... or had received via email ... or any of the other ways we receive little nudges ... little messages ... to make us more aware ...

There is that pesky little Message From God that just keeps showing up .... day-after-day-after day ... I get the little indicator that I have a NEW message ... then I click over there to see what it will be today ... and there it sits ... the same one from yesterday ...

And the day before ... and the day before that ... and the day before that ...

On this day, God wants you to know

... that the life you are having is the life you are creating. Even when this seems paradoxical on the surface, - how could you ever possibly want anything but happiness, - on a deeper level, there is something in you that is making it so. To transform your life you first must understand what is keeping it the way it is.

Repetition is good, I guess.  It's been documented that you have to do something 16 to 21 times before it becomes habit.  Some people say it takes a month or more of repetitive action before whatever it is becomes natural ... something you simply do without giving any thought to it.

It's interesting that the redundant little message says "happiness" is what I want ... duh?!? ... I made "choosing happy" my mantra ... my goal  ... over a year ago.  And I know that I am moving in that direction ...

... at a turtle's pace ...

And I am almost there ... God said so ... just last week .

Still there must be something holding me back that I can't see ... that I'm not getting ... or maybe I am just holding on to it so tightly that it's impossible to recognize that it's time to let it go.

*sigh*  I've done so much deliberate letting go ... lately .  It's been hard.  It hurts a lot.  And truth is, the "missing" is sometimes overwhelming ... more than I ever imagined ... & I wonder, "gosh ... is all of this really necessary?  For me to get to "happy"? " 

And I know that it is ... necessary ...

Another friend posted a quote this morning ...

                     No pressure, no diamonds."~Mary Case

It resonated instantly.  As I was reflecting on diamond-making that Rob Thomas song "Her Diamonds" came on the radio.  Random, right? 

I think not.  Nothing is ever really random.  It just seems that way.  Sometimes.

So I am poking my head out of my shell ... stretching my neck as far as it will go so that I can take a look from a different perspective ... assessing where I am ... and where it is that I am almost AT ... trying to understand what it is that is my keeping my life the way it is ... when I am so ready for change ... for something new ...

Maybe what you really might want to do, MJ,  is ask a different question?

Yeah ... I am thinking ... that's the answer ... a different question ...

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) Mary Jane Sawyer 2010

Perspective

One in 10 million.

Close to five years ago, soon after my divorce, I was badgered into taking the personality profile on eharmony.com by a misguided & quirky employee.  The multi-page description of myself was pretty darn accurate ... and the very specific & detailed description of my "perfect" man was astounding ... seriously, I couldn't summarize exactly who I am looking for more clearly & succinctly ... if I tried!

Yep.  I still have it.  And every once in awhile I take it out & review it.  It always makes me smile!

Back to the story ... personlity profile pegged me ... AND what I am looking for in a  date ... a friend ... a partner.   So I clicked the tab ... I was on my way to the rest of my life ...

Ha. Ha Ha.  It's been one of my favorite stories for years.  NO MATCHES!

Not in my zip code.  Not in my state. Not in America.  Not anywhere in the entire world of eharmony.com.  Not a single one.

Took the silly thing a year or so later .... and printed out the description of my perfect man again ... so that I could compare it to the first one ... you know, odds are they wouldn't be the same ... line for line, word for word, the two multi-page summaries are identical ... verbatim ... exactly the same. 

And so were the results.  No matches.

So it has been my conclusion that if there are 10 million subscirbers on eharmony.com and not a single one of the men is a match for me ... than my man must be one in 10 million.

That's what I have been thinking. 

It's a great story.  And I have stuck to it.  I have done the math ... and have scientific, mathematical proof that I know at least one man who is "one in 10 million"...

Funny.  Very funny. 

However, my turtle ponderings have brought me to a fresh outlook ... a different perspective ...  maybe it's not the man that God created to fit me perfectly that's uniquely individual ... special ... rare ...

One in 10 million ...

... maybe it's ME!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(C) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010

Inside out ...

... you're almost there, MJ ...

It was barely a whisper & I almost didn't hear it. 

The top was down & Jessi was singing along with Selah on the way to church last Sunday.  SELAH: You Deliver Me

... then I heard it again ... a little more persistent ...

You're ALMOST there ...

I am not sure where it is that I almost am ... guess it's gonna be one of those surprise trips ... you know where a loved one tells you to pack a bag with no clues as to your destination ... never actually had that experience before ... but all my friends tell me that those are the best trips ... ever ...

spontaneous ... fun ... full of surprises ...

I love surprises ...

Last weekend I shared in the joy of the union of two good friends ... Susan & Mark.  The special thing isn't that they are my good friends ... rather that THEY are good friends ... and their love for each other is reflected on their faces ... for all the world to see ... every time they look at each other ...

... wouldn't it be great if we could all find someone who made us feel as good as that look ?!?

Friday evening, I went by to visit with Susan and her family before the big day Saturday.  As I was leaving the beautiful house on Hill Road ... there on the sidewalk leading to my car ... sat the most beautiful box turtle I have ever seen ...

The sun was still shining as twilight approached ... maybe he was just waiting for the change ...

Or maybe he was just waiting on me ...


As I approached , he extended his head as far out of his shell as his little neck would allow ... not once did he flinch or withdraw into the safety of it ...

I paused  ... it was a powerful moment ... "it's ok to come on out, MJ ... the world is waiting on you" ... he seemed to say ...boldly staring me down ...

The turtle was challenging me to take the chance ... to see what was on the outside ... and let others see what's really on the inside ...

... you're almost there, mary jane ...

So over the weekend I spent some time on turtle ponderings & research ... at first I was sure that I was going to find that a turtle in the yard was some traditional homespun symbol of happiness & joy & love ... that it's presence there on the sidewalk was really a blessing on the marriage of my friends ...

... because honestly, I never really think the blessing is for me ...

I was wrong. 

Turtle's live the longest lives of almost any known creature ... sometimes over a hundred years.  They take their time ...pace themselves ... and pretty much move quietly from place to place ... rarely causing a ruckus or a fuss ...

Impatiently waiting patiently ... like me ...

The turtle’s pace reminds us to slow down and take our time...that sometimes it’s okay to live inside a shell ... only peeking out from time-to-time to be sure of where we are ... even if we don't know where we are going ...

Ancient myth says that the Earth is resting atop a turtle's back ... balanced perfectly on it's shell.  The turtle is considered a safe place for the world to rest ... patient & wise ... offering a sound foundation for those who travel the turtle's path from time to time ... receiving turtle gifts on the outside ... never realizing that the real turtle is cozied up on the inside ...

Turtles are the most ancient of vertebrates.  And while box turtles aren't the beauty queens of nature, they have a loveliness that is uniquely their own.  Colorful markings make each shell special ... individual .,, maybe even one of a kind ... or maybe one in ten million ...

Never really thought of myself as a box turtle.  Truth is, I do often feel as if I have the world sitting on my shell.  That's not like the weight of the world ... more like, providing a solid, stable place for people I care about to rest while I continue to move in some direction ... forward ... taking them along with me rather than leaving them behind simply because they are too tired to move on their own ... because instinctively I know that I must NOT stop moving ...

And even though, the "me" that people see is well received ... I know that I have been hiding ... there inside my shell ... for ... well,  for too long ... I guess...

The turtle spoke to me so clearly that I went to my car & retrieved my camera.  I was sure that by the time I returned it would have ambled on it's way ... unconcerned with me or my fascination with it.

Again, I was wrong.  He was still there waiting for me ... when I returned ... and me & my camera didn't phase him a bit ... head extended ... there was definite eye contact between me & my boxed-in friend ... and then he smiled ... and slowly turned away ...

Pete would have loved it.  Box turtles were his favorite friends.  He would race down the sides of the hill at Aunt Julia's and triumphantly return with his prize ... gingerly carried in his mouth & placed at my feet ... it was always a box turtle ... locked up tight in it's shell ...

... I would always bring them home to live in our yard ... to play with Pete.  From time to time,  they would come out from whereever they would burrow in.  Pete would race joyfully around them ... barking ... barking ... as if to say, "Please come out ... show me who you are on the inside ... I picked you out ... brought you home ... because I think you're special ... won't you please let me in?!?"

*sigh*  I miss Pete ... and Aunt Julia ... and wonder where all of those box turtles have gone ...

Almost there ... really?! ... I'm not sure ... that's what God said ... not me ...

Box turtles on Saturday ... whispers on Sunday ... and, of course, Del weighed in from the platform ... the message of the day:  When You Are Ready ...

...ready to live life fully ... to give your heart ... to put your life & heart on the line ...

Of course ... THAT was the message  ...

And just in case I didn't GET it ... in case I am still hesitating ... to let anyone see me from the inside out ... another friend randomly opened her facebook fortune cookie one day this week ... there it was blatantly posted on her wall & my newsfeed ...

YOU ARE ALMOST THERE

A little hard to ignore the message when it just keeps showing up ... over and over and over ... just like Pete's friendly bark ...

Come on out, MJ ... show yourself ... someone is waiting just for you ...

Laughing ... I was laughing at God and His deliberate absurdity ... so I clicked open my little fortune cookie which is not one of the facebook thingys that I had ever found interesting ... sure that the randomness of it would somehow allow me to ignore the message ...

BELIEVE IT CAN BE SO

... that was my little fortune note ...

Once again my best friend, God - Creator of the Universe, was having a rollicking good time ... with me ... "C'mon, MJ --- where's your sense of humor?!?" He said with a radiant smile. "I'm not laughing AT you ... laugh WITH Me!"

So, yeah, I am laughing ... outloud ... from the inside out ...

A friend told me over the weekend that he saw it there in my eyes ... not always on the outside ... but he could see it in my eyes, most of the time.

There are no coincidences ... or random encounters ... just like right now as the one song I don't want to hear ... fills the room from the radio ... pushing me so far ...

Everything will change ... everything will change ...

I am almost there.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) Mary Jane Sawyerm , 2010

Rippin' Ready ...

The hardest part of a task ... a project ... of anything ... is simply getting started .  You know, taking that first step.  At least that's how it is for me ... and this weekend was no different.

Ripping out the carpets in my house has been on my To-Do List for awhile now.  It's just one of those things I have been putting off.  There's always a bunch of reasons not to get started on a project like that.

This weekend I decided that enough was enough.  I had some mind-clearing that needed to be tackled, too.  So I figured that was a great combination --- ripping out carpet & dealing with unwanted brain clutter. 

In typical MJ-fashion, I chose to start with the hardest part first ... the landing & the stairs for the carpet .... and, well, the memories were the hardest on the mental front. 

Armed with a claw hammer, flathead screw driver, razor cutter and pliers ... I TOOK the first step!

To be honest, removing the carpet was a lot less challenging than the wallpaper project was a few years ago.  Pretty much grab-and-pull the carpet & pad up ... pry up the tack strip ... and you're done.  Except for on the stairs.  Seems that each step was stapled with a gajillion little staples on the underneath & side edges.

Each of those teeny, tiny staples had to be pulled out individually.  And they were the really LONG ones.  It was much like plucking eyebrows ... another of my favorite pastimes ... not.

Each staple ... became representative of specific, individual conversations ... smiles ... moments ... the ones that are buried so deep that you think you will never get the whole root of it when you are pulling it out.

Once I got started I found it to be very therapeutic ... physically & mentally.  I got to do a lot of thinking ... sorting through some troublesome, heart-clogging things ... real progress was made...

The cool thing about projects like carpet removal is that it's not complex or complicated ... at every break you can visibly see the results of your labor.  You can see where you started ... and there's no question that you're finished when you're finished.

I ripped and tugged and pried and plucked and ripped and tugged some more.  Taking my time ... one step at a time.

And I thought a lot about choices.  Ones that I have made. Choices made by others.  The this-a-ways and that-a-ways which have impacted me and people I care about over the last couple of years.  And the if-onlys and what-ifs and why-nots that come along with that train of thought.

I did my best. You know. I tried hard to do the right things. And here I am today ... having to admit that things just didn't work out like I wanted them to ... it's as simple as that ... I am not going to spend any more time wondering what I could have done different ... the answer is nothing ... there is nothing I could have done ... or would have done ... different ...

Not a single thing.

And then I got to thinking about life ... and what it's really all about ... seriously ... why are we here?!?

It seems to me that when God created man (that includes woman, too), He had three purposes in mind.  Work, relationship & worship.  Yep.  That's it in a nutshell.

Adam & Eve were created for each other ... partners that fit each other perfectly ... to share the ups & downs of life ... and relationship.  They were plopped down into the Garden so that they could tend to it.  Not so they could relax & chill ... the easy life was really never part of God's plan.  You don't have take my word on that one ... it's right there in Genesis ... check it out for yourself ...

First & foremost, though, God created us to worship Him.  It's pretty plain & simple.  Put God first and He will take care of everything else. 

All of the other things that we think we have to have in order to live a happy, successful life --- money, power, things, prestige, fame, etc etc ad nauseum --- all of those things were created by us and then put ahead of the basics of work, relationship & worship.

If I do this ... if I had done that better ...when I have such-and-so ... when this-or-that happens ... THEN I will start living like the person I really want to be ... it will be easy then ... because everything will be just right ... until then it doesn't matter what I do ... yeah, right, whatever ... and the REAL floor is hiding underneath the lousy carpet, too ...

Put God first and He will take care of everything else.

This week has been full of messages from all directions hammering that point home.  And there I was at church yesterday thinking how funny it was that Del wasn't weighing in on this one.  His topic was something entirely different ... the journey of woundedness.  Still He couldn't resist the chance to ZING me right at the end when Del randomly inserted "Does God care enough about me to take care of me?"

Always glad when my best friend, God -Creator of the Universe, gets a good laugh at my expense.

As the carpet came up, the whole project turned into an exorcism ritual.

Funny, I thought that all weekend ... even said it a time or two in my commentary on the process ... the image it conjured up was powerful & exactly depicted what I was feeling ...

Being the word snob that I am, I just looked exorcism up at http://www.webster.com/ to see what it ACTUALLY meant ... ahhh ... gotta love the validation found there ...

exorcism - 1: the act or practice of exorcising

Ha ha, too funny. 

exorcise - a : to expel (an evil spirit) by adjuration b : to get rid of (something troublesome, menacing, or oppressive)

Loved the "troublesome" reference ... that's what it has been for such a long time ... adjuration, however, wasn't a familiar word ...

adjuration - 1: a solemn oath

Hit the nail right on the head. 

It's Monday morning.  The project was finished yesterday.  The bare, naked floors on the landing & stairs are evidence of my labor ... of my succesful completion of the physical project.

The "getting rid of something troublesome by way of a solemn oath" pretty much sums up the mental ripping, tugging, yanking, plucking of the weekend as well.

I have spent a lot of time over the last year struggling with the walls ... moving them ... re-arranging them ... taking a few down here and there.  Now I realize that maybe I should have taken more notice of the carpet.

It's just ratty ole carpet ... making me feel lousy day-after-day as I go about the business of living my life ... mocking me because it can ... as long as I let it lay there ... covering up any chance for me to see my surroundings with new eyes ... to make a change ...

Now all of the carpet is off of the stairs, revealing another glaring imperfection in the construction of my house.  Along the edges of the lower steps, the wallboard had been miscut ... it doesn't "fit" ... so there are gaps along the steps between the floor & the wall ... it's as if the builder said, "Oops.  Oh well, we will just cover up the flaws with carpet.  If we hide it we won't have to fix it"

*Sigh* 

It's been that way every single time I have attempted a project on my house.  There was the big hole covered up by wallpaper ... and the "wet" paint under the outdoor floor covering where someone literally tried to paint the concrete ... unsuccessfully ... so they just covered it up all wet & gooey ... and left it there for years ...

One thing I know for sure is that I can't fix the flaws in my house ... or myself ... if I don't rip out the carpet ... exposing the bare, naked floors underneath ...

I must admit that some of the nicks are fresh ... prying some of those staples out took a lot of effort & leverage ... leaving new marks in the wood with each attempt to remove that which is no longer necessary ... or desirable ...

It's interesting ... as long as the carpet was there ... all I could see was the dingy, annoying way things were.  As I gaze at the unfinished flooring that has now been revealed, I can honestly say that I have no idea what I want to do next.  There are so many possibilities ... and there is no hurry. 

Possibilities ... I like the sound of that.

Being loved is being accepted for who I really am ... when there's no carpet or wallpaper or stuff to hide the dings, the gouges, the scars, the flaws ...

First,  I  must accept all of the imperfections that make me, well ... me.  And then I have to trust someone enough to let them see me ... exposed & naked in the harsh light ... to let them touch me ... there.

It's been a long time coming ... but I am ready ... rippin' ready!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) september 2010