Things I Am Thinking About.,.

How clueless am I?!? Really.

Change...change...change.

All of the weird setbacks last week....and their outcomes....

Outcomes...whatever...overactive imagination is more like it

How can I can always be so WRONG?!?!

Pinocchio...keep reminding yourself that he really DOES turn into a "real" boy in the end....every single time...no matter which version you choose...lost, confused, donkey, Pleasure Island....and then magic....oh yeah...just because it's magic doesn't mean it's easy....thanks, Blue Fairy!

Warning! Warning! Danger MJ! That does NOT compute!

Step back...regroup...hurry...put a couple of those walls back up!!!

Why can't people just say what they mean...and do what they say?!?!

Will it ever by MY turn?!?! Seriously...

I never said it would be easy, MJ....I just promise it will be worth it!

Ok...so why can't it BE easy?!?! Other people get easy. I know they do. Just not me.

Patience, impatience, patience...impatiently waiting patiently

Boundaries...vulnerability....& what's really going on behind the scenes...

Is it possible to be honest with someone else if you're not being honest with yourself?

Happiness...only I can make me happy...I am choosing happy....

And the unspoken question.....is it real or is it just a facade?!?!

Voices.....

There was never any doubt that there was going to be something for me in the message this morning....the sun has finally come out.....and I spent most of the day yesterday struggling with myself.....should I say what I am thinking?!....or I should I just ride it out?!?...does it really matter what's going with on with me?!?!....or is it only important to focus on what's going on with someone else?!?!

The story behind the story....that was the way the message started.....and as usual, I want to give credit to Brother Del at the beginning of this blog....I will be paraphrasing a lot of what he said here and then interspersing my own story and feelings throughout....the profound stuff will be from Del....the meandering, confusing stuff will be from MJ....

Sometimes people do things that disappoint me....and sometimes I do things that disappoint someone else.....and in either case, typically, the disappointed person just lets it bug them and doesn't take the time to look behind the scenes. It's important to take the time to see the story behind the story when the people in your life do something that irritates you or lets you down somehow.

Seriously, most of us are great at putting on our "happy" face....or our "I'm ok" face and then just wander around aimlessly with all of our hurts hiding there below the surface.

What's really going on? Maybe it's depression....or fear.....or financial problems...or family problems....whatever it is....it brings each of us to the point of being broken.

And then....we find ourselves somewhere with someone....and something happens...a triggar of sorts...and those voices.....you know the ones....the ones that cripple you and bring you to total despair....they just start hammering away....and you can't make them stop....and you find yourself listening to them once again....and then next thing you know, you've done something...said something....and that person you care about is disappointed, hurt, let down.....or worse....maybe even disgusted...or rejecting you. And the truth is, they simply don't understand what really happened.

A friend said to me this past week, MJ, at certain times and in certain circumstances you lose your character. Touche! It was a fair and accurate observation. I appreciated the direct, honest approach. It's not like it was news to me. When it happens I know it....and I can't help it....my voices just push me to a place where I break....

This particular time, I wanted very badly to explain it....to say, Hey! It wasn't you...it was me! And I know it. Here's what's really going on behind the scenes when I have a moment or an incident like that. I tried...I just couldn't figure out how to say it without being totally open and exposed....and on the second attempt, it didn't really seem like the other person really wanted to know WHY....just that they didn't want it to happen it again....because, you know, Mary Jane, it's happened more than once.

Yeah. Imagine that. It's happened more than once.

Everyone knows that I am choosing happy...and I have been re-evaluating my life and my friends....and I have been avoiding situations and people who make me feel lousy...and have been focusing on things and people who make me feel great...it's been very, very difficult to make some of those changes in my life...and at times it's very hard to stay focused and positive...


So what brings us to those places where the voices take over....even when we don't want to believe them....and try so very hard to resist them?!?!

The voices of negativity are generally awakened by the pressures that come from life's difficulties and/or feeling alone. Maybe you are trying to step out there and do something...maybe you are really trying to make some changes in your choices...your lifestyle...your habits....to find some positive impact on your life that has been in a rut for so long....and things just don't seem to be falling into place...working out....moving forward the way you would like....


Here come the voices....

"You're not good enough"...."You're a failure"....."Nothing you ever do is going to change these circumstances"...."Quit kidding yourself....you're never going to be happy"....and on and on and on....

The voices are different for each of us. They prey off our individual circumstances and vulnerabilities....what is devasting to one is trivial and meaningless to another....we are prisoners of our own doubts and insecurities....

When things aren't going well...it's easy to start feeling guilty and bad....and then we start loathing ourselves so much that we don't want God....or anyone else...to see inside....to the heart of us....who we really are....and what the hurts are that are driving us..

And sometimes it's when things seem to be taking a turn for the better...but you're just not quite there yet...and you question and doubt whether it's real or your imagination...and if it's real, will it really last...will it really be something...is it honest-to-God real...that's when your voices start clamoring to be heard because surely you're not going to ignore all of that pent-up self-doubt and fear, are you?


That's the time when it is most important to be honest with yourself...and to say it outloud...whatever it is....hurt, disappointment, doubt....with intensity from your heart. To say outloud...to yourself....to God....to someone you trust....here IS the story behind the story....this is what's REALLY going on with me.

Stop being who you're not. Start being who you are.

We are all going to have trouble....it's when we try to be dishonest about what we are facing and what we are feeling that we leave the door open for the voices to take over.

People---you and me----are afraid to be honest with ourselves and each other....we are struggling with opening up our hearts...we are building walls....and we are living in prisons of our own design.

So back to the other night....when I "lost my character" briefly...it wasn't about anyone else...it was all about me....I found myself in a place...feeling alone...and I was tired...and then a couple of things happened...a thing or two was said casually and randomly....and the triggar that stays cocked perpetually went off...and the voices came rushing in....and I was overwhelmed by my personal feelings of inadequacy and insecurity....

and the voices they whispered urgently....

"You're not pretty enough....why, you're not even cute....face it, MJ, you can't even get in the game here, you're not really even attractive"....

"Sure that young guy was paying attention to you...why did it make you feel uncomfortable?..it's because you know he was lying...you're not desirable...he was hoping you were just easy"....

"What?!? It didn't make you feel special?!? He was willing if you were willing"...

"Who are you kidding?!?! Nothing good and real is ever going to happen to you'"...

"You're not a real women,remember? You failed miserably at that...gosh, how could you forget that?!?!...He told you over and over and over for years...so it has to be the truth, right?!?"...

"No one else is ever going to give you a chance....once a failure, always a failure...stop believing you will ever be happy"...

There I was....struck down by my voices....and I struggled not to hear them....but in the end they won....and that's the story behind the story...that's what was REALLY going on with me...it was personal....it wasn't about anyone else...it was my own insecurities...my self-doubt...my fear of inadequacy kicking in...robbing me momentarily of my character....

Today, I am being honest with myself. I am saying it outloud. My greatest vulnerability is a gaping wound that I have carried out of my marriage. It's something that I have been working on for the last three years...finding the lost pieces of myself....rediscovering what really makes me, well, me...and learning to like who that woman---MJ---Mary Jane---really is!

It's been hard...but I am making progress...and most of the time, I can keep those voices at bay because I really and truly do like who I am....but every once in awhile....something happens...or words get spoken...and all I hear is...well, I am working very hard to change what I hear...

...and now a shout out to two of my greatest friends who keep reminding me to practice what I preach...

Never, ever forget...MJ....YOU are the prize!

...and to another friend who is trusting me enough to tell me what's really going on behind the scenes in their life....thank you...you are a tremendous encouragement to ME...and it's not that I don't trust you enough to tell you the story behind my story....it's just that I've kept myself locked up and guarded for so long that I have forgotten how to be open with anyone....and honestly, I am a little afraid of being that vulnerable with you....

...so I am continuing my march around my personal Jericho...and today...victory....another wall has come crashing down!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

Law & Order

It was random. Heck, it was an old Law & Order....viewed in a late afternoon time slot...

The guy is hitting on the girl. Turns out he was deliberate....and she thought it was random...LOL....not really the point...so he's making his play...

and she says, "Might be your lucky day....maybe I'm your ONE in TEN MILLION...."

Honest. That's exactly how the script went. I wasn't the only one who heard her say it. And my immediate response was, "She didn't really say THAT, did she?!?!" And it was confirmed to me that she did.

Imagine that!

Road Trips & Adventures

When I turned 40 I made a list of my Top 40 - people who had impacted my life - people who had influenced me in ways that resulted in the who I am today....and since then I have been searching each of them out....and re-connecting on whatever level makes everyone feel comfortable at this stage of the game....

Last nite was very cool for me....early in the evening I spent some time with two men who have become very important to me in the life I am living now. We shared a brief hour or so of time before one was heading off for a trip out-of-town....laughing....encouraging....and allowing ourselves to simply enjoy the very real and true connection that exists between us.

Excitedly, I left one venue to move to another....for an adventure that I have been looking forward to for a very, very long time....it was a 30 year reunion with two men who had at times during the turbulent years of teen-age angst and coming-of-age had been two of my closest friends and confidants. It was unusual then as now, I guess, for boys and girls, women and men----to forge that kind of friendship without it being about dating or the hots or whatever the heck the raging hormones of 16 are really called....uh...if I recall...we were all looking for "love"....LOL...

There was nothing we didn't talk about....we shared everything....family issues that you just really didn't discuss with anyone much....fears about the future....who were our crushes....confusing feeings and things that were foreign and complex when we did finally do some real dating....special occasions...disappointments....life

We gossiped....we drank....we spent hours and hours cruising around Little Rock aimlessly as teenagers did....we had adventures....and fun....and we danced every weekend for a season every year for four years because that was where we found each other..we were part of the diverse and interesting group of "helpers" chosen to influence the little brothers & sisters of our friends at the Little Rock Junior Cotillion.

That was then. Last nite we gossiped....we drank....and we cruised on over to the home of one of them very very late....and in the wee hours of the morning, the friend who invited us to his home and I shared a cigar in the rain in his backyard. That was very cool and special. We were buds once again! I had forgotten how much I had missed that...missed him....

One friend said to me early in the reunion encounter....there are really only two kinds of women....A man's woman....and a woman's woman....and you, MJ, were a man's woman then and it appears that nothing has changed in that regard! I like that. He is so right....my best friends have always been a bunch of guys....I don't do "girlfriends" well....

Don't get me wrong....in my life I have had---and still enjoy---some friendships with awesome and amazing women....they are generally one-at-a-time and don't fall into that typical female complexity knowns as "girlfriends"....LOL...heck, they ran me out of my sorority in college for not playing well with the "sisters"...

I told both of my friends that story last nite at one point...and they smiled and nodded...we had lost touch by that time in life....but they weren't at all surprised!

It was a great evening.....we shared stories....memories...and we laughed a lot. One of them said...coming home to visit now is a lot easier than it used to be because of evenings like this....and he's right....it's great to have a chance to kick back and relax with people who knew you "when"....when you were discovering yourself...finding your way.....and who know all the "dirt" and where most of the bodies are that caused hurts and choices and other things that scarred us...or maybe just tattooed us---in ways that have carried forward into our adult years.

Being with people who know all about your warts and flaws....and your great qualities, too...even when they seem to be hidden at times....and they just like YOU because you are YOU!...it felt great....

When I first divorced, I knew that I needed to find someway to reach back and reconect with the MJ who was lost along the way....and there have been other times...other encounters....other memories....that have helped me in the recapturing of the spirit of that girl who was afraid of nothing and was going to take on the world.... but none have been as restorative as my visit with these two men from my past...last nite...

And here's what I am taking away from last nite's reunion....life is full of road trips and adventure....and those should never be taken alone....it's important to have someone to share the journey with....a partner....a friend.

It's funny to me....most of my single friends speak of "dates" as being people who they are having sex with or are considering having sex with....it's a code of some sorts....and someone who is "more than a friend" is generally what comes after the "dating" is under way....and the physical intimacy is what defines the status...recently someone said to me "she's more than a friend but....not."

That amused me. Seriously, how can you really be "more than a friend" when you haven't even established that a friendship exists. Or is it that in today's world that "friend" really doesn't mean anything...it's just another code name for "date" or casual intimacy.

Maybe that's why I don't "date" much...because I really don't ever want to be referred to as "more than a friend" by a man that hasn't taken to time to know who I am...LOL...I think I would like to reach a place in a relationship where I am "a friend...but more"...

So, anyway..we discussed our adult relationships.....both of these men have longstanding committed relationships....and even though my marriage ended in divorce...it wasn't casual or trivial...and didn't end due to lack of commitment to the concept of marriage. I spent half my life and every ounce of whatever was left of "me" in perpetuating a relationship that should have never been in the first place...love is a choice not a feeling....i guess, what I am saying here is...that even though mine didn't survive the test of a lifetime...it's the willingness to give it your all...to choose to love....to stick around when the times aren't great...a shared choice to love and be loved..that's what makes it right....and, then there's the finding of the right person to take that risk with....of opening up and simply being yourself...and singing along with Barney "I love you...you love me...."


In our discussion of relationships, it was apparent that their happiness and success in those areas was based on the fact that they were sharing their lives with someone who fits them perfectly....no, I am not saying that their lives or relationships are perfect....but they have both found someone who fits in their arms exactly right as they spin and turn and occasionally step on a toe or two...the one that mirrors their every move...and because we taught those little darlings how to dance all those years ago....each of us knows how do the boys part AND the girls part....how to lead when it's our turn to lead and how to follow when it's our turn to follow...those lessons flow through their relationships..

..and it made me feel such a gladness for them...these two men who once were just boys... who were my friends....who told me there was nothing wrong with me when dating was just an imaginary thing to me..and that even though I wasn't as "hot" or "gorgeous" as whoever the SHE was that had captured their fancy at the time, I was not a "dog"...a nanny goat, yes...but never undesired or rejected....just overlooked by whoever the HE was that was too much of an idiot to realize that I was special.....who assured me always that until there was a "SHE" that mattered...there was really no one they would rather be with then me....because I was great...I was special...I was fun....and they knew that I felt the same way about them....it felt exactly like that again last nite...with them....it was amazing. Friends just really, really liking each other and the time we were spending together!

Here's a bit of wisdom I am taking away from the visit.....you should never head off on a road trip by yourself....even with a map....you need a friend....a best friend who is also your lover...someone who allows you to get all of your needs met in one place..with one person...in one relationship....without that, you are just driving aimlessly in the dark...heading in the direction of home...but somehow not really getting there...missing the turns....turning around at the dead ends only to find yourself at another one....going in circles...and,yes, occasionally being stopped for driving left of center....with no one to share the fun of it...the frustration of it...the adventure of it all...

...and guess what?!?! GPS doesn't cut it....it's not the same as traveling the road with your adventure partner in life....

my friends have that....and that makes me happy....and a little envious....I want that, too...

In the meantime, I am going to continue to share litte bits of pieces of myself and my life with my friends...the one who validate me...and encourage me....and remind me that it's ok to just be MJ...and that I can still take on the world...if I want to...and who are willing to take turns riding shotgun on our shared roadtrips and adventures until I find the one who fits me perfectly....

Boundaries

My horoscope for today: Cancer - be clear and set your boundaries before things get more complicated.....

oh, yeah, it was funny....very funny....i have spent two restless nites on exactly that....boundaries....and i knew when i got up this morning that i was going to blog about it.....

Twice this week i have found myself in interesting dialogue with friends where boundaries and barriers came into the conversation.....

Webster says that a boundary is something that fixes or indicates a limit or extent....

The way i see it....boundaries are put in place for a couple of reasons. Sometimes they are in place to keep things out......and other times they are in place to keep something in.....locked up ....guarded.....

Either way, it's protection of some sort.....generally from the unknown.....an effort to maintain control......to eliminate any element of surprise or wonder.....

In one incident.....i was sharing with a friend openly and honestly about the changes that are unfolding in my life.....and my enthusiasm for the new beginnings....the opportunities.....and the possibility of magic and wonder where there had been none before......

He posed an interesting question....."Do you typically like change, MJ?"

the REAL MJ....the one that somehow got lost along the way.....loves adventure....chances.....risk taking.....and has always thrived on change......life, at times, has robbed me of that confident, carefree spirit and i have been uncovering those lost pieces of myself for some time now.....sifting through the debris of my life....finding the good stuff and dusting it off.....sweeping away the rest.... it's a process....a slow one so far....but i have been working very hard to take some of my walls down.....and to let a couple of people step a little closer.....and that that has been very empowering and positive for me....

....that's what i told him....

And he said, "well this is surely a most interesting side of you.....most people either over think themselves or are clueless as to what lies beneath the surface. you seem to be dialed into yourself. neat"

It made me smile....and then because i was being open and honest with him....i reminded him that i DO overthink EVERYTHING!

He replied, "yes, you do seem to overthink things and yourself as well, but for a moment there you were just flowing without all the disclaimers and crafted wording. it was nice."

So i shared with him that disclaimers and crafted wording are walls.....barriers.....that i keep in place to maintain the appropriate amount of distance between me and others.....and that it definitely takes a lot of OVERTHINKING on my part to be so controlled and deliberate and careful....it's not really my style.....that i just try to be respectful of other peoples comfort levels....often at the expense of my own....

*sigh* not my style

i like to touch.....casually.....and fondly.....i like to touch my friends when i greet them.....when i talk to them....playfully when i am having fun with them....and a hug when i leave them...,guess that comes from having been treated as "untouchable" in my marriage for so long....find a little validation in the safe confines of friendly touches....

the other incident centered around that.....a friend totally rejected me on the basis of a casual, friendly touch....and than slammed the door shut on my attempt to be open and genuine and myself by evoking his boundaries that he has so deliberately put into place....

It has been a long time coming.....my willingness to even consider taking my walls down....to allow anyone to catch a glimpse of ME....who i really am.....and it isn't natural or easy yet....and i have to be feeling very comfortable and relaxed to even allow myself to consider just being myself....with anyone....anywhere...

So it's really lousy that when just such a moment arrived and i allowed myself to respond...naturally.....as myself......that ....Smack!.....i was firmly and deliberately reminded....once again..... that really nothing has changed in the life of MJ...... that i am "untouchable"...."undesireable"...."un-whatever" somehow.....

yeah....just when i thought it was safe to come out of the water.... or maybe it was that i was brave enough to take a dive....even if it WAS just off the low board.....

at one point in the conversation....he said...."i like to do the giving.....I never like to receive."

whatever. i thought that was a telling comment but wasn't really sure what to make of it.

all i knew is that it felt lousy.....and that somehow it was MY fault that he was confused and feeling suddenly uncomfortable....

this morning i was reading the Sunday comics.....and there in Luann....of all places....was a description of the "look".... i have been fascinated by the "look" for months now....and have even commented to friends that i was holding out for that... a man who looks at me that way....and means it....

here's how bernice described it this morning: "if i looked into his eyes and saw unconditional acceptance and appreciation for who i am that's the man i would fall in love with"......yeah....that pretty well sums it up....

sorry....just a little aside there....cuz it was cool...and it was today....in the midst of my pondering on boundaries......

so why DID i let my guard down.....and allow myself to simply be me?!?!

for quite some time....this friend has been telling me with his words and showing me through his actions and reassuring me with his eyes that it's ok for me to relax......that it's ok for me to open up.....to take a few walls down.....to simply be myself with him.....no pretense or pretending......that i am safe there...because, well, just because.....and i believed him.....

...and then i got blindsided for doing exactly what he encouraged me to do all along....

i have struggled with it the entire weekend....and it wasn't until Del started talking this morning that i was able to set aside my hurt feelings.....my bruised ego.....my disappointment....and take a look at the entire situation from a different perspective....

afterall....the man said, "I don't like to receive...." ....those were his exact words.....

so it really isn't my problem.....afterall....it's not my confusion....the boundaries weren't put in place by me.....the need to be in control and safe belong to someone else.....i am not the one who is totally afraid to touch or be touched by someone I know and like...i am not the one who is crippled by a failure to receive....

....and i don't have to let anyone else's insecurity cause me to start putting those walls back in place....it's ok for me to leave the ones down that i have worked so hard to remove.... i refuse to back up from this place that i have struggled so hard to reach....

a little bit of sharing now on what Del said about the failure to receive.....

our spirit knows when we are in the presence of someone who truly loves us......that was cool....it felt good to hear that.....our spirit knows....instinctively.....so we're not nuts when we feel it without any action other than just the physical presence of someone.....

If you don't receive love, freedom & forgiveness....you will become angry, impatient and legalistic i.e. setting boundaries and rules.

side note....just got home from seeing The Elephant Man at The Rep.....good show....go see it....

anyway....one of the themes of the play was about rules....."Rules make us happy because they are there for our own good." Ha ha ha.....

it was a repeated throughout the course of the story.....as if it was the truth......and at one point John begins to dispute that with his doctor....the man who made up the rules......and he said over and over again he wanted to understand the doctor's standards and values....and when asked why did he concern himself with that? John (the Elephant Man)'s reply was....."because we are living by YOUR standards....you are the one making the rules."

It was a profound moment.....and not funny in the context of the story.....for me though, it was highly amusing because it was so relevant to my dilmema and my personal story......would have liked to have poked the person next to me and said....did you hear that?!?!

but i didn't.

back to Del's message.....anger towards others is usually a reflection of anger towards ourselves....impatience towards others is usually a reflection of impatience with ourselves....being legalistic---making rules----putting boundaries in place is usually reflective of our being hard on ourselves.

people who are angry, impatient, and start putting boundaries in place aren't having a problem with those things....their problem is receiving love.

When he said that, it was like a bolt of lightning.....a revelation......

....there is no reason for me to feel lousy about simply being myself....actually, i should be proud of myself for being open....and having fun.....and feeling confident enough to express myself naturally, casually, and genuinely....

i don't have to pretend.....it's ok to be myself.....really.....it is .....

the bottomline of the message was that you can either learn to receive love or you can continue to be angry, impatient and isolated by your boundaries.....and only you can make that choice....

that's right....it's always YOUR choice....

are you willing to be bold enough to peel back the layers of your heart and accept that the problem is a lack of receiving?!?! Are you able to admit that you are so prideful that you aren't able to receive?!?

......and now for the answers to those questions from the other night that i am not sure that i actually answered...or maybe i just wasn't heard.....

i am relaxed. i am having fun. and i like you.

we were both having fun....and now, suddenly, you ARE NOT.

i am relaxed. i am having fun. and i like you.

i didn't ignore the boundaries..not really....i was busy focusing on the walls, they belong to me....and i am taking them down.

yes.


www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com