Timing...

Everything in it's own time.  Impatiently wait patiently.  A delay is not a denial. 

be still...Be Still...BE STILL!!!   

Timing is everything.

Procrastination...the putting off intentionally that which should be done...has a lot to do with timing, too. 

What does it matter if I do that now, I ask myself.  Nothing is really going to change.  It's been so long since anything really changed for me...

ha ha...sitting here struggling with what it is that I want to say...listening halfheartedly to the radio...

"Welcome to the Hotel California....
we are all just prisoners here...of our own device...

you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave...."

Yep.  The Eagles nailed it.  THAT is my life.  The Hotel California.

This week was, well, it just was...

Decisions were made.  Things were done.  Time will tell if the choices were the right ones.

I had a conversation that I had been putting off...forever...because once certain things are said outloud, you can't take them back.  *Sigh*  So I said the things I needed to say.  It actually went better than I thought. 

That's something, I guess. 

At the end of the day...it didn't really matter...it never does...it was only important to me...nothing really changed.

By Friday, I had rounded up all of the fixin's for a fish fry.  It was going to be a dandy one.  Aunt Julia would have been so proud...of me...she loved a party.,,afterall...even an ole fashion pity party.

Trouble was, I didn't really want to go there...it just seemed like the thing to do...at the time.

A-fryin' my fish...

So I decided that wasn't such a good idea...heck, it wasn't like I didn't have plenty of productive things to do...just didn't see any reason to do 'em...

I said to myself, "Self...do something worthwhile..then we'll see about them fish."

Decided to clean out a closet in the front room.  I had been sticking boxes of stuff that needed to be sorted through in there for....well, it appears it's been at least year...

First box was all of the old pictures from Aunt Julia's house.  When she first went to the nursing home, I gathered up every picture I could find and took them to her.  She was going to tell me who all of the people in the faded photos from the early 1900s were and I was going to mark them so they would have meaning to those of us who had not known them.

It never happened. 

So there I was sorting through a box of other people's memories...without a clue...strange faces of people who are somehow a part of me...each of them is important...their lives were full of stories...that aren't ever going to be told...again...

You see, Aunt Julia thought she had plenty of time...to share those stories.  We both kept putting it off.  Then the time came when she couldn't remember the stories...or the faces...

Or me...

I went back to my fish fryin...for just a little while...

Then I tackled some smaller boxes of stuff that were mostly just nothing.  Put this in the box to give away...set these things aside for Abbi...and, hey, maybe these things are worth something on ebay...

Two autographed pictures of Lash LaRue...some cool little butter warmers shaped like ears of corn that are old & "made in japan"...

There in one of many boxes of old & rare Razorback memorabilia was a small tin of ARKANSAS RAZORBACK Pure Unsweetened Sow's Milk distrbuted "everywhere to remind you that if it's happening in Arkansas it's on KLRA 1010 - the voice of Arkansas".

Found the LaRue pictures online...some similar but not identical corn dishes...and absolutely no reference of the Sow's Milk.  Must have been a very limited quantity. I may have the only tin in existence, who knows...

Another box contained some of the books that I always like to keep in my office...when I have a real one...

The Little Engine That Could

The Angel Book: A Handbook For Aspiring Angels

Disney's Add A Little Magic-Words of Inspiration

Box-by-box...enhanced by a couple of friendly interventions...the fish were fried but the party ended early...

Score one for MJ!

I was at church this morning...present but not really...present. 

Del shared a story about his trip to California and his hotel experience...

Hotel...California...that struck me as funny...just now....

Anyway, he started by saying " Do you ever feel like you're blessed,,,you know...stuff just happens?"

It made me smile.. & I was reminded of my flat tire experience a week or so ago.  Not going to tell that one here..will save it for another post...still...it was exactly like Del said...there you are in a not great situation and stuff just happens...and you know without a doubt that God's hanging around...nearby...chuckling at the look of surprise when you are reminded once again that you are blessed!

Sermon title was something like "Discovering Your Importance By Experiencing Your Unimportance"...it was up there on the screen...and I realized that Del & God were double-teaming me...AGAIN...

Imagine that.

Unnecessary.  That was the first thing that popped into my head.

I had been struggling all week to come up with the word that described the funk I was in.  As I sat there waiting for whatever it was that I was supposed to hear this morning...I remembered the word....the one that Aunt Julia always used to describe her reason-to-pity-party...she would say she felt "unnecessary".

That's exactly how I have been feeling.  So I looked it up...expecting to find something profound in the definition...that would give it MEANING & help me sort through my feelings of late...

unnecessary - adj. - not necessary

Nothing profound about that...pretty simple & self-explanatory.  *Sigh*

Then Del proceeded to tell every single one of us...that we were guilty of the "little man" syndrome. Cracked me up.  He didn't actually call it that...but I bet if he'd thought about it, he would have. 

And visions of  Pete - The Mighty Dog...our very own "little man"...overwhelmed me...

I miss Pete.  He loved me just for being me.  Every day.  No matter what. 

Yesterday, a neighbor wandered into the yard after his dog...he said, "my dog likes to chase your rabbit...if you ever see me in your backyard, that's why...I am after my dog."

Pete would have loved that...one of his buddies taking up his rabbit chasing...it made me smile.

Del's message was on the human desire to feel important.

The premise is that we have our "small" self and our "greater" self...ego vs. Holy Spirit.  Our small self tries to impress people with "who" we are and "what" we do.  We can't let go of our small selves because we no longer believe in ...or maybe we never have discovered...our greater self. 

So what does God do?  He destablizes our small self.  He dismantles us brick-by-brick. 

That's what Del said.  Interesting choice of words.  Brick-by-brick.  It was there just for me.

God is dismantling me brick-by-brick...well, yeah, I knew that...I've been strugging with my walls for quite some time...the ones that I have put in place to keep others out...the ones I have put in place to keep me safe inside...

No one gets to see the Wizard.

Not no one...Not no how...

Everyone wants to be significant...to be important.  Del's right about that, I guess.  I think, though, there is a difference between the two.

Important - marked by worth or consequence;
valuable in content or relationship

Significant - having meaning

Speaking for me, I am more concerned with "having meaning" to my life than being viewed as 'valuable".  Both have a lot to do with how we live our lives, though. 

So does "unnecessary".

Brick-by-brick, God is taking me apart.  He is dismantling my walls. Not to hurt.  But to heal. 

Whether I like it or not.

God whispers in my ear at times...and ...other times, He's throwing those bricks at my head...at my heart...

Because I DO struggle with the questions "Do I matter?  Am I making a difference?"  And going a little deeper..."What's wrong with me?  Why is everyone else special to someone...and not me?"

Then comes the affirmation from my best friend, the Creator of the Universe:

You ARE significant...necessary.

You are valued for simply being who you are...

You matter to Me, MJ.
You are special.

You are important to Me...always...

& you don't have to do a thing.

End of subject.

It is well...it is well...with my soul.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, June 2010

It's Not Really A Fish Story....

Jonah.  I woke up this morning thinking about Jonah.

Actually I have been struggling with something for over a week now.....and this morning it came to me that the situation was much like Jonah's story. 

And, no, it's not so much the part about being swallowed by the whale.

There's two parts to the story.  Both begin the same way.  God says to Jonah: "Up on your feet and on your way to the big city of Nineveh! Preach to them. They're in a bad way and I can't ignore it any longer."

That's God telling Jonah very specifically what He wanted done. 

For some reason, Jonah didn't want to do that.  So he got up on his feet....jumped on a boat....and headed off in the opposite direction.  It's one of the most well-known stories in the Old Testament.  To save the ship from the storm sent by God, Jonah went overboard and was swallowed by a whale.

Truth is, the storm was sent to get Jonah's attention....to bring him back to God....to save him from himself.

Sure, Jonah was close to God.  He was a prophet and there was no doubt he could hear what God was telling him.  And this time, my guess is he thought he was "helping" God out. 

You know, thinking "ok so God wants me to go and preach somewhere.  He said Nineveh....but if Nineveh is good than Tarshish will be even better.  The people there aren't as bad so they are more likely to hear what I am saying & besides I can do somethings I want to there....and I can't in Nineveh.  God won't really care WHERE I go...just as long as I go SOMEWHERE".

That's not really disobedience....it's smart....it's practical....it's negotiating a Win-Win.....with God....

Yeah, right....that didn't go so well for Jonah....God's not really interested in negotiating a Win-Win.

Has God ever asked you to do something SPECIFIC...right down to the last detail?  God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and to tell the people He was tired of their wicked ways.  He even gave Jonah the words.

So I am thinking....if God says go there....and here's exactly what I want you to say....that should be a lot easier than the times God tells me to do something that I have no idea how to do....expecting me to do it on faith....trusting that He will take care of the details as we go along.

Wonder why Jonah has such a hard time with that....doing exactly what God asks him to do exactly the way He tells him to do it?!?!

Jonah hears God's request....and sets off to do it "his way".   And hardship follows.  This time God puts insurmountable obstacles in Jonah's way to get him turned around & back on course. 

In my life, sometimes God just lets me wander off in the wrong direction for a long time before the consequences of my bad choice becomes totally apparent to me.

So the whale swallows up Jonah.  God gets his attention. And God says let's try this again:

"Up on your feet and on your way to the big city of Nineveh! Preach to them. They're in a bad way and I can't ignore it any longer."

The direction was exactly the same as the first time.  Obviously God was serious about Jonah doing this very SPECIFIC thing in EXACTLY the way He told him to in the first place.

Outstubborned by God. 

So Jonah goes on down to Nineveh and does exactly what God asked him to do.  And he was a big hit....experienced overwhelming success....or so the story goes.  The people of Nineveh heard the word of God and turned from their evil ways.  And God smiled on them.

Wow!  How cool is that?!?  God tells Jonah exactly what to do....he finally does it.....and lives are touched....a difference is made...

That's not exactly how Jonah saw it, though.  He was pissed.  And he stomped off to find a quiet place to sit & pout while He waited to see what God was going to do next.

God decided to allow them to live...to not destroy them.

Now Jonah was really angry....because God didn't do what He said He would do...in the end....He changed His mind.  At least, that's how Jonah saw it.

Actually, I am not sure that God ever told Jonah what He was going to do....He simply told Jonah what He wanted Jonah to do.  And Jonah put his own spin on the whole thing....

Jonah never really believed that those people would change....somehow Jonah thought it was just God pulling his strings....he would go and tell 'em what God said....and they would go about their business....and God would take 'em out....and even if they did say they'd change, it would be too little too late...God would punish them anyway....

So once again God would have His way with Jonah....toy with him....& for what?!?! 

Jonah never really considered what the positive outcome might be....he never saw the BIG picture....he was too busy thinking about himself....and how put out he was that God had asked him not once....but twice....to go do something so specific....and so insignificant.

And even though the story doesn't tell us what Jonah's goals were....his attitude & behavior indicates that doing this one thing for God wasn't really getting him any closer to things he wanted out of life....it was a major imposition....Jonah was really putting himself out for God this time...

Jonah had himself all worked up over the whole thing.  Then God did what He does best.  He forgave the people when they repented.  That's the happy ending that makes the whole trip worthwhile.

Right?  Wrong!  Not to Jonah.

"God did exactly what He wanted to....He didn't need me" Jonah fumes. "So what's the point....really....other than me jumping through hoops for God....this is really all about HIM controlling ME....it really has nothing to do with those other people & their lives...nothing at all."


Jonah was confused and really angry now.  Afterall, these were some really BAD people....they deserved to be annihilated.
So how dare God not do what Jonah thought He should do in the end?!?!

*Sigh*  Me and Jonah....we have a kinship.

The thing that's been troubling me....it's still troubling me.   I am not really sure what to do about it.  I guess I am waiting for God to give me the words....to tell me exactly what to say....

And maybe it's something that God is working out on His own....

If God gives you a vision....or asks you to do something specifically....than do it....exactly the way He tells  you.  Don't try to take God's idea and adapt it into something else.  Don't kid yourself into thinking you can improve God's idea. 

God has it all figured out...and whatever He has in mind is far greater than anything you or I can dream up or do on our own.  He doesn't need our "help"....honest....He doesn't.

And most likely, God's idea of success is going to be radically different from our own. 

It's easy though....to convince ourselves that really God just wants us to do what He asks generally....like Jonah decided that God wanted him to preach but it didn't have to be Nineveh if he liked somewhere else better. 

And that it's ok with God if we do it "our" way....instead of following the specific gameplan He has provided us.   We're here....on the playing field, afterall....& God is in heaven....might not be such a clear view from there...

Even when you are sincerely trying to go where God wants you to go....it's easy to get turned around....offtrack....especially when it's a journey that takes a long time.  It's important to remember exactly what God's specific charge was at the beginning.....and to continue to look to Him for validation every step of the way.

Just because God wants something done DOES NOT mean that we can't screw it up.  Sure, in the end, if it's what God wants it will come to pass. 

That doesn't mean that our actions....our choices....won't have consequences....and there's no guarantee that what we are hoping to gain from the experience....whether it's rewards or recognition....will be given to us in the end....by default....when we finally get around to doing it His way.

God is faithful.  He never changes.  Negotiating a win-win wasn't an option with Jonah....it's not going to be an option with us either.

Doing it my way.  Deciding for myself what the outcome will be.  Focusing too much on my efforts...on what's in it for ME....thinking it's possible to manipulate God's plan in such a way that I get what I want AND He gets what He wants....

That is not a roadmap to success.

Being all about me will probably find me pouting on the sidelines in the end....God will get what He wants....and I will be angry because God didn't do what I wanted Him to do....

Just like Jonah.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, June 2010

Miracles & God-Things

Today was a weird day.  It was full of God-things.  You know, things that simply can't be explained.


And God-things aren't always wonderful...spectacular....great.  Sometimes they are simple, ordinary....special all the same.


The day started with a rainbow outside my front door.  I love rainbows.  And I know that they aren't always just for me....take today....I was having a sort of disconnected morning....nothing was really coming together as I was trying to leave the house....


....and for the record, the entire day was that way....disconnected.


I stepped outside.  There was this nice rainbow.  And then I remembered what today was....June 3.


It was Mimi's birthday. 


Mimi was my mother's mother.  My grandmother.  She has been gone from me for many years. 


I stood there in awe of God's faithfulness.  There is no doubt that God allowed Mimi to slip through a crack between heaven & earth....for just a few minutes....to smile on me...today....


As if to say, "it's ok, little darling, I am right here....always."


Yep.  This time it was MY rainbow.  It was definitely a God-thing.


Later in the morning I checked my inbox.  Just a few minutes after I headed down the street, a friend had sent me an email with a picture of....you guessed it....the rainbow.  Seems she encountered it on her way this morning, too. 


It was cool.  In her picture, it appears that the rainbow is ending in the back of the dump truck on the road just in front of her.  Wow!  She was sure that rainbow was "hers"....and she wanted to share it with me because she knows I collect rainbow pictures.


It was definitely a God-thing.


All through the day, I allowed myself to wander back to Mimi.  It's been sometime since I've allowed myself to just miss her.  I was her only granddaughter and we were very close.  Our relationship was full of love & very special.


Mimi loved God.   When I was a small child, she lived in downtown Little Rock and would take me along to one of those downtown churches.  It was beautiful & solemn with stained glass windows. 


As I moved into my preteen years, she & Gee moved to "the farm".  It was a few acres at the foot of Pinnacle Mountain which is now considered part of Little Rock.  Back then, it was a pretty good drive from town.  During those years, she attended a small, country church.  Services there involved a lot of standing & singing & standing & singing.


Later, after Gee died, she moved into Plaza Towers.  For the remainder of her life, she attended church at the small neighborhood church that I had grown up in.


Mimi taught me about faith by the way she lived her life.  She prayed about everything.  She read her Bible often.  She was a faithful volunteer who gave her time & energy to a wide range of causes.  It was not uncommon for her to be asked to prepare the invocation or lead the prayer at large and small gatherings.


Mimi probably really didn't give much thought to God-things.  She was more miracle minded, I think.  There's wasn't much that God did....or could do....that surprised her.  And I am grateful for her sharing those beliefs with me year-after-year....even though it took quite a long time for me to reach the place in my walk to know God in the same confident way.


Mimi loved pretty things.  Clothes.  A nice table setting.  Flowers.  Every meal at her house was an occasion.  There were lovely tablecloths or festive handsewn placemants at every seat.  And an arrangement of her own design to set the tone for whatever we were celebrating. 

Sometimes it was simply time together....that was celebration enough.


She was known throughout her circles of friends & acquaintances for her floral arranging talents.  Everyone who knew her knew that she loved flowers.  Daisies were her favorite.


Pretty tables. Flowers. Kindness. Faith.  These are the things I remember most about Mimi.  And she loved me unconditionally.


A lot of who I am is a reflection of her.  And even though I am far from perfect, I think she would be proud of who I am today.....the things that are important to me....my values & my faith.


The rainbow this morning reminded me of Mimi's passing....and the miracle that immediately followed.  It was bigger than a God-thing....it was a plain & simple miracle.


During Mimi's last days, she was hindered by diminished eyesight.  It had been a long time since she'd been able to drive herself.  That never slowed her down.  That morning she baked two pies.  One for herself....or maybe for some company that would be coming for a meal in the next day or so.  And one for her neighbor who lived a few floors down who couldn't get around so well.


I wasn't living here at the time.  We talked often. Several times a week. 


So as the pies were cooling, she called to tell me about her day.  After our conversation, she left her apartment with the pie & went to visit her shut-in neighbor.   When her visit was done, she entered the elevator on the third floor of her building and when the doors opened on the fifth floor ....her floor....she was found there on the elevator.


Just like that she was gone.  And in the elevator where she would be found quickly....not alone in her apartment where it might have been days before anyone realized that something was amiss.  It was a blessing....yes, THAT was a God-thing!


So the family gathered.  Arrangements were made.  And flowers began arriving.  On the day of the funeral, there were so many beautiful flowers it was as if you were lost in a garden.  Mimi would have loved that. 


After the graveside service, flowers were sent home with friends & family.  Flowers were dispatched to the church.  And gorgeous sprays of fresh cut flowers were left at the cemetery. 


It was mid-week....September....and it was HOT!  The sprays were taken off their stands.  The water ran out onto the ground.  And Mimi was covered in a lovely blanket of flowers.


Several days passed.  The things that had to be taken care of immediately were handled.  It was time for my mother & I to return to our respective homes....out-of-town.  On the way to catch my flight, my mother & decided to stop by the cemetery for one last visit with Mimi.


It was hot.  There hadn't been a drop of rain in the days since the funeral.  Surely the flowers had all dried up & withered in the heat.


Imagine our surprise when we arrived there and found ALL of the arrangements....laying on the ground....in full bloom....unwithered....glorious, vibrant, beautiful....ALIVE!


There is no doubt that Mimi had been there tending to her flowers....making sure that they were watered & cared for until we returned....it was her way of letting us know that all was well....


All was well.


It's a true story.  Honest.


The arrangements looked as if they had been delivered fresh from the florist.  My mom decided to take two of the arrangements back to my brother's house with her to "replace" some of the flowers that hadn't lasted the week....inside with constant attention. 


At the time, we were both too numb to fully understand the wonder of it. 


But that's how God works sometimes.  He shows us something today....that's special....but we don't really get it until sometime later....when we are ready....or we simply need a reminder....to believe.


Fast forward a few years.  My mother and I were sharing a visit. It was shortly after her husband....my stepfather....had passed away.


And we wandered into a deep conversation about God....and faith....and the Bible.   She asked me, "Do you really believe everything in the Bible is true? That it happened exactly the way it's told there?"


I looked at her a little stunned. 


My mother had taken us to church regularly throughout our childhood.  She taught Sunday School to five year olds....and she was asking ME if I believed that the stories of miracles....impossible things... in the Bible were true.


I said, "Yes, Mom, I do."


After a period of silence, I realized that possibly she was struggling....to believe.


It's easy for that to happen.  Life just starts unfolding....things that aren't really good happen....and sometimes prayers seem to be unanswered.  And you hurt...and you wonder....surely if God can do all of THOSE things, He wouldn't let these things happen in my life.


So I reminded her that we....she and I....had actually witnessed a miracle. One that was personal & that God had prepared just for us.


It wasn't grand....it wasn't earth-shattering....it wasn't important to anyone else...only she & I. It was impossible for those flowers to be alive. There was no logical explanation for it.


It was simply your garden-variety miracle.


She smiled.  I think maybe we both cried a little.  She had forgotten about the flowers. 


Which is OK....God knows we all forget from time to time....He understands.


The really cool thing is that He doesn't ever forget about us.  Even when it seems like He's no where around.


And on days like today....He sends us rainbows....as a reminder of His faithfulness....


You see, it's not that I had forgotten about the flowers....it's just that I hadn't thought about them in awhile. 


Today was definitely disconnected.  And for every random annoying thing....there was a weird implausible solution.


So it was perfectly natural, I think....for God to remind me of the flowers....of miracles.... today....on Mimi's birthday....with a rainbow....

It was definitely a God-thing.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, June 2010