be still...Be Still...BE STILL!!!
Timing is everything.
Procrastination...the putting off intentionally that which should be done...has a lot to do with timing, too.
What does it matter if I do that now, I ask myself. Nothing is really going to change. It's been so long since anything really changed for me...
ha ha...sitting here struggling with what it is that I want to say...listening halfheartedly to the radio...
"Welcome to the Hotel California....
we are all just prisoners here...of our own device...
we are all just prisoners here...of our own device...
you can check out anytime you like but you can never leave...."
This week was, well, it just was...
Decisions were made. Things were done. Time will tell if the choices were the right ones.
I had a conversation that I had been putting off...forever...because once certain things are said outloud, you can't take them back. *Sigh* So I said the things I needed to say. It actually went better than I thought.
That's something, I guess.
At the end of the day...it didn't really matter...it never does...it was only important to me...nothing really changed.
By Friday, I had rounded up all of the fixin's for a fish fry. It was going to be a dandy one. Aunt Julia would have been so proud...of me...she loved a party.,,afterall...even an ole fashion pity party.
Trouble was, I didn't really want to go there...it just seemed like the thing to do...at the time.
A-fryin' my fish...
So I decided that wasn't such a good idea...heck, it wasn't like I didn't have plenty of productive things to do...just didn't see any reason to do 'em...
I said to myself, "Self...do something worthwhile..then we'll see about them fish."
Decided to clean out a closet in the front room. I had been sticking boxes of stuff that needed to be sorted through in there for....well, it appears it's been at least year...
First box was all of the old pictures from Aunt Julia's house. When she first went to the nursing home, I gathered up every picture I could find and took them to her. She was going to tell me who all of the people in the faded photos from the early 1900s were and I was going to mark them so they would have meaning to those of us who had not known them.
It never happened.
So there I was sorting through a box of other people's memories...without a clue...strange faces of people who are somehow a part of me...each of them is important...their lives were full of stories...that aren't ever going to be told...again...
You see, Aunt Julia thought she had plenty of time...to share those stories. We both kept putting it off. Then the time came when she couldn't remember the stories...or the faces...
Or me...
I went back to my fish fryin...for just a little while...
Then I tackled some smaller boxes of stuff that were mostly just nothing. Put this in the box to give away...set these things aside for Abbi...and, hey, maybe these things are worth something on ebay...
Two autographed pictures of Lash LaRue...some cool little butter warmers shaped like ears of corn that are old & "made in japan"...
There in one of many boxes of old & rare Razorback memorabilia was a small tin of ARKANSAS RAZORBACK Pure Unsweetened Sow's Milk distrbuted "everywhere to remind you that if it's happening in Arkansas it's on KLRA 1010 - the voice of Arkansas".
Found the LaRue pictures online...some similar but not identical corn dishes...and absolutely no reference of the Sow's Milk. Must have been a very limited quantity. I may have the only tin in existence, who knows...
Another box contained some of the books that I always like to keep in my office...when I have a real one...
The Little Engine That Could
The Angel Book: A Handbook For Aspiring Angels
Disney's Add A Little Magic-Words of Inspiration
Box-by-box...enhanced by a couple of friendly interventions...the fish were fried but the party ended early...
Score one for MJ!
I was at church this morning...present but not really...present.
Del shared a story about his trip to California and his hotel experience...
Hotel...California...that struck me as funny...just now....
Anyway, he started by saying " Do you ever feel like you're blessed,,,you know...stuff just happens?"
It made me smile.. & I was reminded of my flat tire experience a week or so ago. Not going to tell that one here..will save it for another post...still...it was exactly like Del said...there you are in a not great situation and stuff just happens...and you know without a doubt that God's hanging around...nearby...chuckling at the look of surprise when you are reminded once again that you are blessed!
Sermon title was something like "Discovering Your Importance By Experiencing Your Unimportance"...it was up there on the screen...and I realized that Del & God were double-teaming me...AGAIN...
Imagine that.
Unnecessary. That was the first thing that popped into my head.
I had been struggling all week to come up with the word that described the funk I was in. As I sat there waiting for whatever it was that I was supposed to hear this morning...I remembered the word....the one that Aunt Julia always used to describe her reason-to-pity-party...she would say she felt "unnecessary".
That's exactly how I have been feeling. So I looked it up...expecting to find something profound in the definition...that would give it MEANING & help me sort through my feelings of late...
unnecessary - adj. - not necessary
Nothing profound about that...pretty simple & self-explanatory. *Sigh*
Then Del proceeded to tell every single one of us...that we were guilty of the "little man" syndrome. Cracked me up. He didn't actually call it that...but I bet if he'd thought about it, he would have.
And visions of Pete - The Mighty Dog...our very own "little man"...overwhelmed me...
I miss Pete. He loved me just for being me. Every day. No matter what.
Yesterday, a neighbor wandered into the yard after his dog...he said, "my dog likes to chase your rabbit...if you ever see me in your backyard, that's why...I am after my dog."
Pete would have loved that...one of his buddies taking up his rabbit chasing...it made me smile.
Del's message was on the human desire to feel important.
The premise is that we have our "small" self and our "greater" self...ego vs. Holy Spirit. Our small self tries to impress people with "who" we are and "what" we do. We can't let go of our small selves because we no longer believe in ...or maybe we never have discovered...our greater self.
So what does God do? He destablizes our small self. He dismantles us brick-by-brick.
That's what Del said. Interesting choice of words. Brick-by-brick. It was there just for me.
God is dismantling me brick-by-brick...well, yeah, I knew that...I've been strugging with my walls for quite some time...the ones that I have put in place to keep others out...the ones I have put in place to keep me safe inside...
No one gets to see the Wizard.
Not no one...Not no how...
Everyone wants to be significant...to be important. Del's right about that, I guess. I think, though, there is a difference between the two.
Important - marked by worth or consequence;
valuable in content or relationship
valuable in content or relationship
Significant - having meaning
Speaking for me, I am more concerned with "having meaning" to my life than being viewed as 'valuable". Both have a lot to do with how we live our lives, though.
So does "unnecessary".
So does "unnecessary".
Brick-by-brick, God is taking me apart. He is dismantling my walls. Not to hurt. But to heal.
Whether I like it or not.
God whispers in my ear at times...and ...other times, He's throwing those bricks at my head...at my heart...
Because I DO struggle with the questions "Do I matter? Am I making a difference?" And going a little deeper..."What's wrong with me? Why is everyone else special to someone...and not me?"
Then comes the affirmation from my best friend, the Creator of the Universe:
You ARE significant...necessary.
You are valued for simply being who you are...
You matter to Me, MJ.
You are special.
You are special.
You are important to Me...always...
& you don't have to do a thing.
End of subject.
It is well...it is well...with my soul.
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, June 2010
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