And she handed me a package of pretzel M & Ms ... Happy New Year!
True story. I promise.
And as I wandered back to my car ... a little stunned ... I felt the nudge ...
"C'mon, MJ ... don't be so surprised !"
I've been getting these messages ... fast & furious ... since the weekend ..
Yep. It's true. The clock struck twelve ... midnight New Year's Eve ... & my disappointed heart screamed "I GIVE UP! I AM DONE ... BELIEVING!"
And my young friend ... who was along for the ride Friday nite... said, "You can't stop believing, MaryJane. There are no time limits on magic ..."
Back in the kitchen ... cake in the oven ... I reached into the frig to get the butter for the icing ... and son-of-a gun ... I was one stick short. Grumbling a little, I wondered how was it possible that I didn't realize that when I so carefully checked my list before I went to the store ... an hour before ...
the first time ...
So I hopped back in the car ... reached the corner ... all the while my mind is
a-pinging and a-ponging ... off of the recent messages ... conversations ... things that I am pretty sure add up ... but aren't really making sense to me ... yet ...
Stepping out of the car ... I smiled over at the pretzel M & Ms ... they were laying there on the front seat where I tossed them a little bit ago ...
something new ... sure, I'd love to try something new ...
That's what a friend said last nite ... when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday ... today ...
He smiled a little sheepishly ... and said,
"Well, I'd like to do something new."
There was some good-natured ribbing, of course ... based on where you put the inflections in that simple statement ... there are a number of different interpretations ... no matter how you look at it, though ... the possibilities are tantalizing & endless ... and it was interesting that he said "something new" instead of "something different" ... "new" and "different" are not the same things ...
Walking across the parking lot .. thinking about "something new'" ... I glanced down ... right in the middle of my path was a penny ... not a shiny new one ... but a dull, well-worn, ordinary one ... so I picked it up ... it made me smile.
Cake's baking ... and there in my inbox was my little Today God Wants You To Know message ... and it says that today is going to be a BIG day for me ... to keep my eyes open ... there's a message for me ... in an obscure place ... one that I've been waiting a long time to hear ...
Something new ... pretty sure that's the message ...
Pretzel M & Ms ... not my plain Ms (magic) that didn't come through for me last year ... not my peanut Ms (miracles) that continue to overflow from the candy jars in the lives of my friends ... but a pretzel M ...
... something new ...
On Sunday morning, I scrubbed my kitchen floor ... it was really dirty ... from holiday traffic & baking. So instead of mopping ... I made up a hot soapy pan of water ... and got down there on the floor ... and cleaned it Cinderella style ..
It was an offering ... of sorts ... much like cleaning the bathroom has been in the past ... if you know me really well, you know what that's all about ... and my little FB fortune cookie that morning ... the first one of the new year said ...
You're almost there.
... I've been thinking I was almost there for quite some time ... guess there's still hope that I am NOT on the road that leads to nowhere.
And on the way to church I was thinking about the popular adage of a few decades ago ...
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
It was so profound that I wrote it in my journal before I grabbed a cup of coffee & visited with my church friends before the service started.
The lights dimmed. The music started ... and there we were singing ...
And there it was ... up on the screen ... the title of the message ... surprise!
A New Beginning
Remember that was Sunday ... today is Wednesday ... something new has been floating around for days & days ...
Del opened with a prayer ... and he asked us to allow God to use the broken things of our pasts to open up new avenues to our future ...
Simple. Powerful. Beautiful.
This morning even Drew was involved in the conspiracy to throw my very words & thoughts back in my face ... squeezing the "selfish" right out of me ...
That's what I have been ... I know it ... I even admitted it to friends over the weekend ... that I was being selfish ... wishing for a little bit of magic ...
for me ...
Well, it's not so much that the wishing is selfish ... it's being so disappointed & cranky because I haven't gotten ... and don't see any evidence that I will ever be getting ... what it is that I think I want ... the most ... the desire of my heart ...
When I was getting dressed Sunday morning ... I was talking to myself ... outloud in the mirror ... which is what I do at times when I am really struggling with my thoughts ...
... and I said something like ... was it really too much to ask?!? A little bit of magic for MJ?!?! Just a few minutes that would make me feel alive ... & vital ?!?
And as I journaled about this outloud cry of frustration ... I struggled to define what "a little bit of magic" would really feel like ... you see, many of my friends who lend me an ear from time-to-time ... have been asking me what is the feeling that I am yearning so deeply to experience ...
Searching for that answer .. I continued in my rant ... about the futility of it all ... the unwillingness in my heart to participate in meaningless encounters & imaginary relationships that involve a lot of "outside" giving in an attempt to fill up the empty places on the "inside" ... seriously ... is it possible to find someone special who will accept me on the inside ... and the outside?!?!
It caught me offguard when Del shared with the entire world what the desire of my heart was ... what a little bit of magic really feels like ... he said ... and I am taking this totally out-of-context ... sorry, Del ...
... something that thrills the heart ...
Wow. That's it exactly.
And then he said ... "being alive = enjoying life" ...
... followed by ... hold on to your hat ... Del stood up there on the platform ... on Sunday ... and asked ...
Are you willing to try something new?
... and this morning ... I was asked again ...
"Do you want to try something new?
...followed by the offering of some NEW M & Ms ...
Del's message was amazing ... so I will share some bits & pieces here ... remember, if it's good stuff & makes sense .. then Del said it ... not me ...
A couple of reasons were given as to why you don't always accept something new ... or don't embrace a fresh start ...
One is the loss of vision for your life ... your life has become so overwhelming that your vision of WHO you are has shrunk so small ... you can't even imagine the wonderful things God has in store for you ... you've been so beat down ... that if you're not careful ... you really might miss the good things when they come your way ...
Of course, that was directed at me. I'd been struggling with the "change WHO you are to change your life" message throughout the holidays ... until the opening of the special gift on Christmas day ... the crystal ball that gave me the answer I was seeking ... to focus more on being who I am than changing who I am ...
Another reason you don't embark on a new beginning is that you have a hardened heart. There's just so much stuff that has happened that you finally shut down ... and to clear a path to something new ... you'd would have to let go of those things from the past ... that have become so comfortable & familiar ... not to mention you'd have to be willing to open your door ... to let someone step a little closer ... to risk being hurt ... again ...
Yeah. Another bullseye. Thank goodness I had already verbalized my New Year's Resolutions ... otherwise, this validation of my longings would have felt more like a head-smack ...
Most of us live our lives out of our fear & self-condemnation ... we have reached the place where we believe that we don't deserve anything fresh ... or new ... or real ... that it really doesn't get much better than whatever the this is in our lives is ... right now ... this minute .. today.
Is there junk in our hearts?!? You bet there is. I love it when Del puts it out there so plain-and-simple, direct-like.
Instead of focusing on our junk, we need to find our hidden treasures ... we need to live out of our treasures ... the things that make us rare .. unique ... and special ...
Sorting through our junk ... re-arranging our puzzle pieces ... we have to thow out the old stuff that doesn't fit ... anymore ... and we need to be brave enough ... bold enough ... to grab a hold of the new things that come our way ... without worrying over how & where it's going to fit ... into our puzzle ... into our life ...
Adventure ... unknown possibilities ... what's coming next ... those are things that have always excited me ... and I am ready to start living my life that way again ... I am tired of being guarded ... afraid to believe in the magic ...
If you live life all planned out ... you will become boring ... bored ... dead ... inside ... You have to stop trying to figure everything out ... that's just a defense mechanism ... because you are scared to death ... to take a chance on something new ...
You can not have certainty ... AND adventure ... at the same time. It's just not possible.
You can't organize the people & things in your life into neat little categories ... AND have excitement. ... at the same time. No way for that to happen.
Tear down the walls. Break out of the darkness. Decide that you are going to discover ... and understand ... who you really are ... maybe for the first time ... ever ... because YOU are worth it!
In closing ... Del & my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe, couldn't resist one more little poke ...
"The desires of your heart are God's desires for you, MJ".
Yep. That's what He said. Outloud. That's what I heard Him say ... anyway.
Something new. You bet I'm ready.
Just after midnight on the brink of the new year ... a message came ... "Wishing you the best year ever."
That's what it said. What a nice wish. "Thanks", I said. "Maybe you're wish will come true" ... you know, meaning the wish for ME to have the best year ever.
Immediately the simple reply came ... "It will."
Really?!? Now that's interesting. So I pressed ... "You promise?" And without hesitation came the answer ...
"It's His will."
Guess I won't challenge that one. I have decided to stop trying to second-guess everything ... to figure it all out ... to out-plan God. I can make my own plans, I know ... or I can open up my life and step out into the adventure He has planned for me. Afterall, I have always loved surprises!
So I am throwing my door wide open ... no more tentative crack to peek through ...
I'm calling out ... "here I am" ... with a fresh enthusiasm ... full of laughter ... ready for fun ... & a willingness to boldly seek new adventures ... trusting that there is someone ... out there ... who is wants to share a little of life ... with me.
A little bit of magic. Something new.
I'm ALL in!
...Maybe ... by Sick Puppies ... my song for "something new"...
www.lifelessons-mj-blogspot.com/
...Maybe ... by Sick Puppies ... my song for "something new"...
www.lifelessons-mj-blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011
Girl, you are deep ! I always thought you were full of enthusiasm, laughter and fun, can’t wait to see the super charged you !
ReplyDeleteI love your blog……..
~ from DH via email
Hey MJ,
ReplyDeleteMaybe the penny was there because of the promise written above Abe's
Head...In God We Trust....
~ from KK via email
Been thinking of you! The chocolate pretzels were yummy! So, did you try what I suggested?
ReplyDeleteI love how you live your life with EXPECTATION! Very few people do this.
ReplyDeleteI know that we can all expect God to be gracious and good to us. We can expect that each day is a gift from Him. if we think this way... we WILL find and see awesome things... things most people would never see.
M&Ms are on my short list for things I would need on my desert island!
Here's to a multi-colored M&M kinda day!