Journey On ...

"Sometimes the hardest part

of the journey

is believing that

you're worthy of the trip"

~ Russell to Eddie,

 THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER

by Glenn Beck

Life has been so hectic ... and weird ... lately. 

Yeah. Weird. 

Had a friend that once told someone else ... "If MJ ever uses the word weird in a conversation then you should pay close attention to whatever she says next ... because when she says weird it means she's getting ready to tell you something that's troubling her or that's really important to her" ...

Funny how words & phrases can conjure up memories that have been tucked away for safe keeping ...

I love books.  And I have several scattered around the house that I have been picking up & putting down ... randomly ... for months & months.  That's all I've had time for ... or maybe it's all I've made time for ... who knows ...

This week ... in the course of two hours ... I was given four books ... by people who are important to me ... one was given to me to "take a look at"  in regards to a possible project .. two were recommended as "good reads" with one being fiction and one being spiritual ... and the fourth one ... was touted as "the best book I've read in a long time" ...

Naturally I chose that one first.  Because of who offered it to me ... because I haven't really read anything in awhile ... maybe ... or it might have been because it was the shortest one ...

It was THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER by Glenn Beck.  To be honest,  it's NOT the "best" book I've read ... still it's the ""only" book I've read ... all the way through ... in a very long time ... and I found some things buried there ... that were meaningful & helpful ...

... and I am looking forward to discussing the book with the person who gave it to me ... next week ...

This morning, I have writer's block ... actually it's been hanging around for about a week ... which is weird ... in light of the encouragement I received last week from people who read what I write ...

A quick browse through the Facebook status' of my friends this morning turned up several interesting quotes about "choosing happy".  Of course, that always makes me smile. 

And it reminds me that I am not alone ... in my quest ... for happy ...

That was touched on in the book I read ... too ...

"You know, people are meant to be happy but sometimes that's hard to do if you've allowed yourself to become someone you're not" 

~ Eddie's Grandfather to Eddie, THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER by Glenn Beck

Gotta love it.  I've been telling people that I care about ... A LOT ... that very thing for a couple of years now ... you know ...

Start being who you are & stop being who you're not ...

Easy to say ... and so very hard to do ... I know ... I struggle with that one ... just like everyone else ... as I move the puzzles pieces around the table ... searching for the lost pieces ... of MJ ...

All of us start putting up our walls ... pretending everything's good ... when it's not ... because we're hurting ... or afraid ... or we've simply lost sight of who we are ... because we've been told that who we are really has no value ... is worthless somehow  ...

... and we believe it ... the unworthy part ...

It's so much easier that way. 

It is at that exact moment that we give up happy ... we choose the path MOST traveled ... rather than having the courage to believe in ourselves ... to like who we are ... to say to the world ... "there's something special here ... what I have to offer is rare & of great value ... "

Instead, we let others project their lack of self confidence ... their feelings of inadequacy ... onto us ...

and we embrace them as our own ...

... and we ... unwittingly ... project them onto someone else ... the ripple begins ... and the dominoes tumble ... and tumble ... and tumble ...

"When you choose the path, you choose the destination."

~ Russell to Eddie,

THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER, by Glenn Beck

In church on Sunday ... Del prayed ...

"We have our life ... we have our faith ... and somtimes they don't come together.  So please help us, Lord, to CONNECT THE DOTS .."

Outloud.  He spoke to me.  And I wrote it down.  Because it is important.  To know when He speaks to me.  It's more important to HEAR what He says to me.

Another out-of-context tidbit from Del ....

"All of us want our mother's love ...

and all of us want our dad's blessing"

That was spoken to me ... intimately ... personally ... outloud for all to hear.  And I recognized it for what it was .... important ... to some dot-connecting ... going on in my life ... and the lives of people who are important to me.

Reading the book reminded me of another book I read ... a couple of years ago ... when I took the one-and-only roadtrip of my adult life ... so far ...

...and a conversation with someone who was important to me that followed ...

Hindsight is a funny thing ... he was a-friend-but-more ... to me ... and I was really nothing more than a convenience ... an option ... of value in the moment but not really worth the effort ... to him ... somehow ...

... it's still a troublesome thing to me ... that I didn't see it that way ... how it really was ... at the time ... all along ...

Anyway, the conversation, it had to do with me "going away" ... on a "sojourn" ... our story has been dotted with sojourns ... temporary breaks ... in the past ... that have brought us to the impasse of today ...

... and I am wondering if one person's "sojourn" is another person's "hibernation" ...

 I hope so ... that there is self-discovery & healing to be found ... in both places ...

... dot ... to dot ... to dot ... the picture is drawn ... and when the image of who we are is revealed ... we don't recognize what we see ... there ... because we've been so busy being who we're not ... that we forgot who we are ...

 

Change will only come when you ... I ... we ... accept & receive ... that God ... and some people ... really do love you ... me ... us ... just for being who we are ...

You just being You.  Me just being Me.

... wouldn't it be cool if you ... I ... we ... could like ourselves ... just for being who we are, too?!?

I like you ... just for being who YOU are. 

Honest.  I do.

Weird.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

(c) January 2011

Post Position

Post position ... goes a long way to winning ... in horseracing.  At least that's what I've been told.

Saturday was opening day at Oaklawn Park in Hot Springs.  It was a beautiful day following on the heels of the BIG snow earlier in the week.  Cabin-fevered fans rushed over to the track for the famous corned beef sandwiches ... and to watch the ponies ... run.

Not me.  I had a full schedule of work-related things. 

Still, I couldn't resist checking out the card for the day.  Some people play fantasy football ... or whatever those imaginary teams are all about.  I, on the otherhand, handicap from home during racing season ... in my own quirky way.

It's been a long time since I've actually been at the track.  Guess it's because I lived away for so long ... and since moving back ... it seems that the season comes and goes before I find a good time to go.

This year I intend to make up for that.  I love being there.  I like to stand outside on the rail.  The excitement of the crowd is intoxicating.  The thrill of the race is ... a little hard to describe ... it's one of those lost pieces of MJ that I want to rediscover ... this year.

At the track, I usually have a horse or two in mind but then I wait to watch them parade out before placing a bet.  It's intuitive for me.  I rarely spend time on the racing form statistics.  I am not serious or analytical in making my bets ...  my picks on the horses are made much like I live life ... from the heart.

At home, though, I have to just go with tele-pathetic vibes.  You know, just read over the names.  And choose them based on what feels "right" at the moment.  Not very scientific, I know ... but still it's fun & interesting.

And I have a pretty good success rate.  I keep up with my pretend bets each day ... and carry forward my winnings on a spreadsheet.  I start with less than $100 play money on my first day's wagers ... and then track it to the end of the season.  Three horses (Win/Place/Show) in each race for $2 ... and a Daily Double bet.  No need to complicate things ... by playing with larger sums ... it's make-believe afterall.

Works pretty well for me.  I haven't ended a season with less than $500 in my little bank ... and on a bigger field ... I have picked the Kentucky Derby winner 20 out of the last 25 years ... following pretty much the same ... ahem ... strategy.

So Saturday morning, I am reading through the entries ... making my selections.  Got to Race 5 ... and there at the top of the list was MY horse ... Life's Lessons.

Made me smile. 

I don't actually follow this horse ... or anything.  But since it carries the name of my blog ... I feel kinship whenever I see it in the lineup.  My first encounter with Life's Lessons was the day after I posted my first blog entry.  I wrote about that experience ... back in 2009 ... http://lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html

It's a fun story.  Even if MY horse came in .... DEAD LAST.

It's been a couple of years since then.  And I recall having seen Life's Lessons in races since then ... but I don't really remember the outcomes.  It's not like that for me.

Every race is a new opportunity ... at least that's the way I choose to see it.

Life's Lessons.  Opening Day.  Post Position 1.

It would have just been WRONG for me not put a little "something" on that one!

Found a friend who was going over to the track who agreed to spot me a "fun little bet".  Figured since I wasn't going to be there ... and I was playing with someone else's money ... I would keep it simple ... much like my imaginary wagers.

$2 across the board.  It was just for fun, afterall.  Promised to buy him a drink this week when he came to bring me my winnings.  It was all good.

Saturday was a very busy day for me.  Work stuff had me running.  And there are some other things happening ... unfolding ... in my life & the lives of people that are important to me ... that were occupying what little bit of thinkin' time I had.  So it wasn't until the evening that it crossed my mind that I should check on MY horse.

A quick glance at the results at http://www.oaklawn.com/ showed that Life's Lessons was not "in the money".

I chuckled.  Of course, not.  This wasn't just a horse that I selected on intuition ... this was MY horse ... running for it's livelihood ... for it's life.  Giving it's all ... to offer it's personal best ... TODAY.

Just like me.

So it was fitting ... somehow ... that it didn't runaway with a win .. or even place or show.

... the laughter began to swell ... from over there in the corner ... where my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... has been watching me all week ... as I have been navigating my way through an emotional minefield. 

It's been like starting from the outside post position ... and trying to weave through the pack in front of you ... without a bump ... without a stumble ... pushing forward ... to the finish line ... when you can't even see around the next turn ...

*sigh* ... Life's Lessons had the advantage of the number one post position ... that should have been enough ... but it wasn't.

And I thought to myself.  It's really not about winning.  It's about how you run the race.

"Really, MJ?!?  When did you adopt that philosophy?!?  Do tell ... please. "

Yep. That's what He said as He began to laugh one of those big ole belly-laughs ... that comes  from pure & utter delight in whatever it is that you are watching.

And there I was ... scratching my head ... wondering what was sooo funny.

Then in a rush ... came memory after memory. 

I am very competitive.  That's just the way I am wired, I guess.  My grandfather taught me to play cards before I could read ... and he never let me win ... not one single time.  Starting with his very own game ... that he made up ... with no purpose other than to teach my brothers and I ... how to play the game ... and to play to win.  It was a game that was referred to ..;  in the family ... simply  as ... Cards.

I think that was about the same time he taught me how to drink coffee.  With lots of sugar & cream ... at first ... then gradually weaning me off the "bad" stuff ... so that by the time I was able to hold my own in any game we chose ... I was drinking it black.

My dad ... he was a fierce competitor, too.  Our card playing didn't start until later.  He didn't have the patience to teach me the game ... he was more about stretching my intellect ... going for the "win" at all costs ... honing my skills for all that life would throw at me.  Outwitting and outplaying ... these strategies were spoonfed to me from my youngest days ... long before Jeff Probst claimed them as his own ...


Play with integrity ... but ALWAYS play to win. 

That's always been one of the driving forces in my life.  And it's always worked out well for me ...

Still .. on Saturday ... the realization came .. that somehow ... I've changed ... and I guess I didn't know it was happening ... if I had it wouldn't have been such a surprise ...

Sure. Winning is important.  Especially when the stakes are high ... when there's much to gain from the outcome.  Other times, not so much. 

Not because the risk is too great.  That's never a detractor to me.  I love challenges ... doing something that others have said is impossible ... putting it all on the line.  If it's something that grabs my attention ... the risk is never too great.


There have been times ...  in the last few years ... when I've found that the win wasn't going to be worth the price.  It's not really winning if you have to give up pieces of yourself ... lose your dignity ... sacrifice even the tiniest bit of your morals or integrity,

In my past ... winning ... just for the sake of winning ... was always IMPORTANT ... in addition to whatever was the actual goal.  Today, though, I've discovered  there are times when it's staying in the game that's important ... not the big, easy win.


So I'm running my race.  Competitively.  And I'm learning things about winning ... and life ... and myself

It isn't really all about winning the first time out ... or the second .. or third ... one hundredth ...

It's about keeping your eyes on the prize ... that waits at the finish line.

And I am learning, too, that sometimes simply finishing the race ... what you started ... is the WIN that counts ... even if you don't get a blanket of roses.

Somehow, I've changed.  That's what I said to myself on Saturday. 
Imagine that.

Very, very late ... when I was home & settling down from the long day ... I decided that it was important to know what position MY horse finished in. 

My guess was that it was going to be DEAD LAST again ...

Finally found a website that gave me the finish stats for the entire field ... not just the WINNERS. 

Life's Lessons came in  ... SECOND ... to last!

... ahhh ... Avis ... from front to back ... or start to finish ... always second to something .. always trying harder ...

And the laughter filled the room ... it was contagious ... it was impossible not to join in the rolling-on-the-floor merriement.  My Best Friend & I ... laughing so hard ... that we snorted.

I've told you many times before ... God snorts when He laughs.  It's true.  I promise.

"YOUR horse, MJ ... has learned a couple of things ... just like you. Not only did Life's Lessons finish the race .. today ... it came in ahead of the last time.   And there's always the next time.  The race isn't over ... until you just quit running ... and the easy WIN isn't ever worth as much as the one you've waited & worked for ... trust me ... it's a promise!"

Life's Lessons ... is still running at Oaklawn ... two years later ...  and it's learned a thing or two ... redesigned & refined its strategy ... and its moved up a notch.

Postive forward progress.

Life's Lesson ... and me.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011

Winter ... Whatever ....

Last week, the temperatures hovered in a Spring-like range .... as we watched & waited for the BIG snow.  Interestingly enough ... this time ... the forecasters got it right ... it really should have been no surprise ... not to me ... I should have seen the avalanche coming ...

Winter has been on my mind ... ever since a somewhat unsettling conversation last week ... with a friend ... that ended with a reference to "hibernation".

It was his response ... to my response  ... to a sudden change in the air ...

... guess the reality of the situation just set in ...

So the concept of  "hibernation" has been following me around for a week now ... and the weirdness of the exchange ... and the unsettled feelings that remain ... caused me to share my thoughts on hibernation with that friend ... in an email ... over the weekend ...

Here's what I wrote ...

To me, hibernation means spending the winter in a dormant state ... holed up in a dark cave somewhere ... staying warm with whatever you can find there in the dark ... only to wander out when spring arrives to discover that a season has passed ... with changes having taken place in the world around you ... but still you are in exactly the same place as you were before .

The alternative to hibernation is to embrace the winter season with gusto. To bundle up, play in the cold, throw snowballs, laugh, drink good coffee, and curl up in front of a fire from time-to-time to recharge. When spring comes, you aren't wandering out ... sluggish & stagnant ... from inactivity ... instead you are ready to embrace the next season with gusto ... because each new season brings it's own adventure.

I won't be hibernating. I will be out there shoveling the snow ... so that whatever it is that is coming next in my life ... has a clear path ... to find me. Living life ... through its ups & downs .. to the fullest ... is my goal. Sharing some of life ... with people that I find fun & interesting ... is preferable to hibernating.

Somehow I had hoped that just saying what was on my mind was going to be enough ... to ease the uncertainty ... that seemed to have gained momentum ... on it's on ... much like a snowball rolling downhill ...

It hasn't.

Yes, indeed.  The BIG snow came ... after that.  Something like 6 inches at my house ... and apparently a total snowbound situation ... no way in ... no way out ... on the other end.

Sunday started with some beautiful winter sunshine ... and ended with the snowfall.  In the morning ... over my coffee ... I noted in my journal:

Hibernation ... if He (God through Del)  talks about hibernating ... this morning ... I will ... well, I don't WHAT I will do ...guess it depends on WHAT He has to say about it ...

On the ride over to church, I commented crypticly to my friend ... who had arrived the day before ... to spend the winter ... the season ... that it was going to be interesting to see if Del talked about "hibernating" this morning ...

Yeah ... it was sort of a test ... to see if I was ... imagining ...

... the significance of things.

Grabbed a cup of coffee ... and visited with several folks before the service ... most of the conversation was centered on whether the snow was really going to come ... or not ... and out of no where, one friend said ... he WAS NOT shoveling snow ... under any circumstances.

Smack!  No doubt about what was coming next ...

Settled into our seats ... and once again ... we sang ....  the same song that we've been singing for weeks ... and weeks ... and weeks ...

... Strength will rise

As we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord ...

It was somehow reassuring.  I actually smiled when I heard the giggle ...
in my ear ...

 "You're really NOT going to stop waiting ... NOW ... are you, MJ?!?! 
You're almost there!"

And then ... up on the screen ... without warning ..

2011

Developing Relationships

Of course.  That's what Del's going to talk about ... whew ... a little close to the mark ... but not a dead-on bullseye ... like hibernation would have been ... it's all good ...

... that's what I was thinking.

"If we don't do anything else ... this year ... we are going to work on THIS ... developing REAL relationships"

It was somewhat random ... out-of-context ... up on the screen ... hovering in the air ... not the title of the message ...after all .. it was more of a challenge .. a mandate ...

The what's coming next ... that I have been so eagerly awaiting ... I guess ... maybe ... maybe not ...

And then something Del said a couple of weeks ago popped in to my head ... as we sang some more songs ...

... You DON'T have the power to keep God from working in your life ...

It was an overwhelming thought ... it sort of wrapped itself all around me ... as we sang a familiar song ... that suddenly had new meaning ... because, you know, I am thinking about ... winter ... seasons ...

You are the same in every season ...

Great are you, Lord ...

By the end of the singing ... I knew it was going to be a real side-splitter of a message ... a barrel of laughs ... and that unsettled, anxious feeling returned.

I was distracted a bit.  So I didn't write down what the actual title of the message was ... but Del opened with the statement that there were two basic things that we ... all of us ... battle. ...

... wanting to ESCAPE life ...

... wanting to make life EASY ...

I chuckled inwardly.  Oh yeah ... here it comes ... He IS going to talk about "hibernating" ...
imagine that!

And then right off the bat ... Del said ...

People use their sexuality to fill up empty holes ...
in their lives ... in their hearts.

Wow!  No holding back today.  Just go straight to the point ... why don't ya?!?! 

Random sex ... that has nothing to do with true intimacy ... or real love ... is the most common thing people use to ESCAPE from the mundaneness of their lives.  Materialism ... using things instead of sex ... to feel validated is a close second.  Followed by a lifestyle based on a PARTY spirit ... having "fun" ... random encounters ... rather than REAL relationships ...

These are the ways that people ESCAPE from  ...
the "reality of the situation" ....

All of us try to escape life from time to time ... to find a way to make life easier ... somehow ... somewhere ... the important thing is to not get lost over there ... in those places ...

Duh.  I knew that.  Guess it was just God's way of trying to stave off ... the blindside that came later in the week ... only it really wasn't ... a total shock ... not really ...  you see, I had already been preparing for it ... for several days ...

...in my telepathetic way.

Life sucks.  That's what I had shared with a couple of friends earlier.  It wasn't so much that anything had happened ... not yet ... my life was somewhat on an even keel ... except for the weird, uneasiness that came with the conversation about hibernating. 

I'm ok.  Really.  That's what I told them.  It's true.  It was more a statement of the futility of it all.  My premise was that the sooner we all accept that fact ... the more clearly we will see how important it is to stay focused on the prize ... to keep our eyes open for the good things that come along from time to time ... and to have the courage to grab ahold of them before they simply pass us by.

That's what I said. 

And there I sat ... in church on Sunday ... and Del was pretty much preaching the same message.  He said that life is full of pain ... and hurts.  So we battle with how to escape from the reality ... of it all.  Different people find different ways to escape ... sex, things, partying ... in an attempt to "feel better" ... or to "be happier" ... and if they're not careful ... ESCAPE becomes the focus ... the purpose ... of their lives.

... it simply doesn't work ... not really ... sex, things, partying ... really don't fill the empty places ... they really don't make you feel better about yourself or life ... they really don't make you happier ...

Truth is ... when the momentary high wears off ... you feel worse than you did before ...

Escaping ... it's about getting relief from LIFE ... the pressures of life that are so hard to handle ...it's an attempt to make life a little easier ...

As if ...life's supposed to be easy ..

So Del & God ... were double teaming me ... AGAIN ... I knew it for sure ... because somewhere in the midst of it all .. Del said ... outloud ... from the platform ...

We just can't seem to connect the dots!

He wanted to make sure that I was really GETTING it ... like I could possibly have missed it .. the point. 

Truth is, I got it ... I get it ... have been for quite sometime ... just not really sure what I am supposed to be doing with it ... because at the end of the day, everyone gets to choose ... for themselves ...

I had a near-miss with someone who once was very important to me on Friday nite.  I saw him.  He saw me.  We both pretended we didn't, though.  It just hurt too much ... I guess ... to speak.  And besides, what could we have possibly said ?!?

Not a thing.

He touched on that encounter, too ... on Sunday morning. You see, the message was directed at me ... personally.

Shame feels like a dirty, dirty blanket ... on your heart.  That's what He said.  It was a vivid visual image.  A dirty blanket ... smothering ... choking the life right out.  He went on to say that "shame" and "guilt" aren't the same things. 

Shame is more about feeling unclean .. unworthy ... of the good things that come your way. 

Guilt, on the other hand, is the acknowledgement of your mishap ... screw up ... indiscretion ... lapse in character.  Guilt can be dealt with directly ... head-on ... and resolved ..., put to rest ... so you can move on.

Shame.  Well, shame lingers & lingers.

God sends good things our way .. because He loves us.  He places people in our lives ... in a strategic fashion ... to help us climb out of that dark place ... that we have chosen to hole up in ...escaping ... hibernating ... hoping that when we poke our heads out ... in another season ... that somehow everything will have changed ... without any effort on our part ...

Somehow ... it never really works that way ... it simply doesn't happen.

In order to rid yourself of shame ... you have to be willing to be washed clean ...

...and to accept that you are clean ... after the washing. 

Lots of people posted ... during the snow days ... about sins being washed white as snow ...  as a postscript, it seems ... to Del's comments about being washed clean ... of our shame ... in order to move towards the life we want to be living.

Washing clean ... reminds me of the luscious bar of soap that I received as a gift for Christmas.  It's great big ... and smells like mandarin oranges.  Absolutely yummy!  And the cool thing about this particular soap is that the smell doesn't fade after just a couple of washings ... it stays fragrant all the way to very last sliver.

I know ... because I had peach bar given to me ... by the same person last year.  I loved it so much that I asked for another ... because I always felt so ... clean ... after using it.

This morning, as I ponder all of the pieces ... that suddenly seem to fit .... in a puzzle that doesn't really look like I thought it was going to ... I decided to check my perception ... to look up "hibernate" ... because maybe, just maybe, I was wrong about the whole thing.

HIBERNATE - intransitive verb - 1: to pass the winter in a torpid or resting state ... 2: to be or become inactive or dormant

Hmmm ... pretty much what I thought ... "torpid" that's an interesting word ... let's take a look at that one ...maybe there will something insightful there ...

TORPID - 1a : having lost motion or the power of exertion or feeling : dormant, numb b : sluggish in functioning or acting ... 2: lacking in energy or vigor : apathetic, dull

Wow!  That pretty much says it all.

Hibernation = Escape From Life

All of this talk of hibernating reminded me of the movie, GROUND HOG DAY. Hibernation is basis of the  whole ground hog legend ... after all.

And in the movie, the same day .. the same story ... repeats itself over and over and over ... until Phil Connors (Bill Murray) finally re-evaluates his life & priorities ... and figures out the change ... the something new ... that makes the difference ... that allows him to move on from the life he's been living ... to what's coming next. ...

Haven't we all been there ... done that ...

That place in your heart that hurts the most ... that you spend so much of your time & energy ... escaping ... that you SO DISLIKE ... avoiding the hurting that is necesasry for the healing to come ...

That's the very place ... where God dwells ... the spirit of God lives THERE ... in that darkest place in your heart.

He's waiting for you ... there .. in that most intimate, personal places.

Of course, only you can make you happy ... no one else can do that for you.  It's always YOUR choice.

... lots & lots of pondering ... but by the time got to work this morning ... the dots were all connected.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011














Find A Penny ...

Baking this morning ... and had to run down to the corner grocery store for a couple of things ... as I was checking out ... the cashier said ... randomly ... "Would you like to try something new?"

Without hesitation I said, "Sure!" 
And she handed me a package of pretzel M & Ms ... Happy New Year!

True story.  I promise. 

And as I wandered back to my car ... a little stunned ... I felt the nudge ...

"C'mon, MJ ... don't be so surprised !"

I've been getting these messages ... fast & furious ... since the weekend ..

Yep.  It's true.  The clock struck twelve ... midnight New Year's Eve ... & my disappointed heart screamed "I GIVE UP!  I AM DONE ... BELIEVING!"

And my young friend ... who was along for the ride Friday nite... said, "You can't stop believing, MaryJane.  There are no time limits on magic ..."

Back in the kitchen ... cake in the oven ... I reached into the frig to get the butter for the icing ... and son-of-a gun ... I was one stick short.  Grumbling a little, I wondered how was it possible that I didn't realize that when I so carefully checked my list before I went to the store ... an hour before ...

the first time ...

So I hopped back in the car ... reached the corner ... all the while my mind is
a-pinging and a-ponging ... off of the recent messages ... conversations ... things that I am pretty sure add up ... but aren't really making sense to me ... yet ...

Stepping out of the car ... I smiled over at the pretzel M & Ms ... they were laying there on the front seat where I tossed them a little bit ago ...

something new ... sure, I'd love to try something new ...

That's what a friend said last nite ... when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday ... today ...

He smiled a little sheepishly ... and said,

"Well, I'd like to do something new."

There was some good-natured ribbing, of course ... based on where you put the inflections in that simple statement ... there are a number of different interpretations ... no matter how you look at it, though ... the possibilities are tantalizing & endless ...  and it was interesting that he said "something new" instead of  "something different" ... "new" and "different" are not the same things ...

Walking across the parking lot .. thinking about "something new'" ... I glanced down ... right in the middle of my path was a penny ... not a shiny new one ... but a dull, well-worn, ordinary one ... so I picked it up ... it made me smile.

Cake's baking ... and there in my inbox was my little Today God Wants You To Know message ... and it says that today is going to be a BIG day for me ... to keep my eyes open ... there's a message for me ... in an obscure place ... one that I've been waiting a long time to hear ...

Something new ... pretty sure that's the message ...

Pretzel M & Ms ... not my plain Ms (magic) that didn't come through for me last year ... not my peanut Ms (miracles) that continue to overflow from the candy jars in the lives of my friends ... but a pretzel M ...

... something new ...

On Sunday morning, I scrubbed my kitchen floor ... it was really dirty ... from holiday traffic & baking.  So instead of mopping ... I made up a hot soapy pan of water ... and got down there on the floor ... and cleaned it Cinderella style ..

It was an offering ... of sorts ... much like cleaning the bathroom has been in the past ... if you know me really well,  you know what that's all about ... and my little FB fortune cookie that morning ... the first one of the new year said ...

You're almost there.

... I've been thinking I was almost there for quite some time ... guess there's still hope that I am NOT on the road that leads to nowhere.

And on the way to church I was thinking about the popular adage of a few decades ago ...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

It was so profound that I wrote it in my journal before I grabbed a cup of coffee & visited with my church friends before the service started.

The lights dimmed.  The music started ... and there we were singing ...

Love will hold us together ... Make us a shelter to weather the storm ...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Another message on the horizon ... just for me ... no doubt ...

And there it was ... up on the screen ... the title of the message ... surprise!

A New Beginning

Remember that was Sunday ... today is Wednesday ... something new has been floating around for days & days ...

Del opened with a prayer ... and he asked us to allow God to use the broken things of our pasts to open up new avenues to our future ...

Simple.  Powerful. Beautiful.

... there is no one like our God ...

greater things are yet to come ...

greater things are still to be done...

... here ...

I believe ... I believe in you, God ...

This morning even Drew was involved in the conspiracy to throw my very words & thoughts back in my face ... squeezing the "selfish" right out of me ...

That's what I have been ... I know it ... I even admitted it to friends over the weekend ... that I was being selfish ... wishing for a little bit of magic ...
for me ...

Well, it's not so much that the wishing is selfish ... it's being so disappointed & cranky because I haven't gotten ... and don't see any evidence that I will ever be getting ... what it is that I think I want ... the most ... the desire of my heart ...

When I was getting dressed Sunday morning ... I was talking to myself ... outloud in the mirror ... which is what I do at times when I am really struggling with my thoughts ...

... and I said something like ... was it really too much to ask?!?  A little bit of magic for MJ?!?!  Just a few minutes that would make me feel alive ... & vital ?!? 

And as I journaled about this outloud cry of frustration ... I struggled to define what "a little bit of magic" would really feel like ... you see, many of my friends who lend me an ear from time-to-time ... have been asking me what is the feeling that I am yearning so deeply to experience ...

Searching for that answer .. I continued in my rant ... about the futility of it all ... the unwillingness in my heart to participate in meaningless encounters & imaginary relationships that involve a lot of "outside" giving in an attempt to fill up the empty places on the "inside" ... seriously ... is it possible to find someone special who will accept me on the inside ... and the outside?!?!

It caught me offguard when Del shared with the entire world what the desire of my heart was ... what a little bit of magic really feels like ... he said ... and I am taking this totally out-of-context ... sorry, Del ...

... something that thrills the heart ...

Wow. That's it exactly. 

And then he said ... "being alive = enjoying life" ...

... followed by ... hold on to your hat ... Del stood up there on the platform ... on Sunday ... and asked ...

Are you willing to try something new?

... and this morning ... I was asked again ...

"Do you want to try something new?

 ...followed by the offering of some NEW M & Ms ...

Del's message was amazing ... so I will share some bits & pieces here ... remember, if it's good stuff & makes sense .. then Del said it ... not me ...

A couple of reasons were given as to why you don't always accept something new ... or don't embrace a fresh start ...

One is the loss of vision for your life ... your life has become so overwhelming that your vision of WHO you are has shrunk so small ... you can't even imagine the wonderful things God has in store for you ... you've been so beat down ... that if you're not careful ... you really might miss the good things when they come your way ...

Of course, that was directed at me.  I'd been struggling with the "change WHO you are to change your life" message throughout the holidays ... until the opening of the special gift on Christmas day ... the crystal ball that gave me the answer I was seeking ... to focus more on being who I am than changing who I am ...

Another reason you don't embark on a new beginning is that you have a hardened heart.  There's just so much stuff that has happened that you finally shut down ... and to clear a path to something new ... you'd would have to let go of those things from the past ... that have become so comfortable & familiar ... not to mention you'd have to be willing to open your door ... to let someone step a little closer ... to risk being hurt ... again ...

Yeah.  Another bullseye.  Thank goodness I had already verbalized my New Year's Resolutions ... otherwise, this validation of my longings would have felt more like a head-smack ...

Most of us live our lives out of our fear & self-condemnation ... we have reached the place where we believe that we don't deserve anything fresh ... or new ... or real ... that it really doesn't get much better than whatever the this is in our lives is ... right now ... this minute .. today. 

Is there junk in our hearts?!?  You bet there is.  I love it when Del puts it out there so plain-and-simple, direct-like.

Instead of focusing on our junk, we need to find our hidden treasures ... we need to live out of our treasures ... the things that make us rare .. unique ... and special ...

Sorting through our junk ... re-arranging our puzzle pieces ... we have to thow out the old stuff that doesn't fit ... anymore ... and we need to be brave enough ... bold enough ... to grab a hold of the new things that come our way ... without worrying over how & where it's going to fit ... into our puzzle ... into our life ...

Adventure ... unknown possibilities ... what's coming next ... those are things that have always excited me ... and I am ready to start living my life that way again ... I am tired of being guarded ... afraid to believe in the magic ...

If you live life all planned out ... you will become boring ... bored ... dead ... inside ...  You have to stop trying to figure everything out  ... that's just a defense mechanism ... because you are scared to death  ... to take a chance on something new ...

You can not have certainty ... AND adventure ... at the same time.  It's just not possible.

You can't organize the people & things in your life into neat little categories ... AND have excitement. ... at the same time.  No way for that to happen.

Tear down the walls.  Break out of the darkness.  Decide that you are going to discover ... and understand ... who you really are ... maybe for the first time ... ever ... because YOU are worth it!

In closing ... Del & my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe, couldn't resist one more little poke ...

"The desires of your heart are God's desires for you, MJ".  

Yep.  That's what He said.  Outloud. That's what I heard Him say ... anyway.

Something new.  You bet I'm ready. 

Just after midnight on the brink of the new year ...  a message came ... "Wishing you the best year ever."

That's what it said.  What a nice wish.  "Thanks", I said. "Maybe you're wish will come true" ... you know, meaning the wish for ME to have the best year ever.

Immediately the simple reply came ... "It will."

Really?!?  Now that's interesting.  So I pressed ... "You promise?"  And without hesitation came the answer ...

"It's His will."

Guess I won't challenge that one.  I have decided to stop trying to second-guess everything ... to figure it all out ... to out-plan God.  I can make my own plans, I know ... or I can open up my life and step out into the adventure He has planned for me.  Afterall, I have always loved surprises!

So I am throwing my door wide open ... no more tentative crack to peek through ...

I'm calling out ... "here I am" ... with a fresh enthusiasm ... full of laughter ... ready for fun ... & a willingness to boldly seek new adventures ... trusting that there is someone ... out there ... who is wants to share a little of life ... with me.

A little bit of magic.  Something new.

I'm ALL in!

...Maybe ... by Sick Puppies ... my song for "something new"...

www.lifelessons-mj-blogspot.com/

(c) January 2011

New Year's Resolutions

Choose happy ...
People before things ... always ...
Pray more ... wish less ...
Follow my heart ... whereever it leads ... at all costs ...

Be open to new adventures ...

Let someone in ... even if it hurts  ...
Focus less on changing ... & more on being ... who I am  ...

Don't lose sight of what's really important ---

     like hand-holding & smiles ...

Embrace what's coming next with

     joy & enthusiasm ... 

Believe ...

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011