Rain....

It's Monday.  Someone I know believes that Monday is the BEST day of the week. That's so cool.

This morning I got up with every intention of walking....it will be three days in a row....trying to re-establish a habit that I have avoided since Pete left me....

It was raining....softly....gently....

Two times I went out to start my walk....both times I was met by the steady patter of the rain....today was simply not a "walking in the rain" kind of day....so I am opting for coffee instead....lots of coffee!

....and, of course, walking before I start my day NOW is not a valid excuse for not blogging.  I managed to fill up my day yesterday with busyness....avoiding the subject....which is silly....because much like walking, blogging allows me to sort through the clutter in my head & my heart.

It's been a tough couple of weeks....and I really don't know why.  Just a little "bluesy"....there was nothing I could put my finger on....one friend suggested that I was in a "funk"....

Just a feeling of uncertainity....about things....about myself...

There were a couple of days when I gave serious thought to the idea of  being "someone else"....

Thank you to the so many people close to me who wondered OUTLOUD why I would ever do that....reminding me of how great I am at being "me"....& how many people count on me simply being myself....

*Sigh*  yeah, right....if you say so....

What about the fact that "others" seem to always wind up with the things I think I want....that somehow I am always the one who impatiently waits patiently for whatever it is....and it never seems to materialize...

I did spend some time thinking about some of the specific "someone elses" that I might consider being....because of what they "have" that I think I "want"....& very quickly I realized that there was NO WAY I wanted to be that person....or that person....or any other person, for that matter....

And it didn't take but a nano-second to remember all the reasons why I really like being ME....because I do...like being ME....

There's a just a couple of things missing right now....in my life....

Guess if I have to be like them to have what they have....then maybe, just maybe, what I think I want really isn't right for me after all.

"Sometimes you give me too much credit."  (Excerpted from a recent conversation)

Ha.  I don't remember what I said at the time...but what I was thinking was "Sometimes you DON'T give yourself enough credit."

Recalling that exchange, I realize that I was really talking to myself.  I don't give myself enough credit.  Especially in those areas that continue to be   off-limits to me, somehow. 

It's hard to turn the voices off....you know the ones....that redundantly repeat those negative affirmations:  "you're not ______ enough" OR "you're not ________ enough" OR maybe it's "you're too" this or that....

Not going to share with you what MY voices say to me....sorry.  It's a little too personal.  Suffice it to say that there have been things said to me in the past by people who were "supposed" to love me that continue to conjure up insecurity & lack of confidence at times.

It's not a case of not liking myself.  Because I do.  Honest. 

I have spent a lot of time over the last few years sifting through the rubble of my life....reclaiming the things of value....discarding the worthless things....finding myself again....accepting all of my flaws as part of what makes me unique & special....much like the chaff & the wheat....

Still, recently,  I managed to find time for a big-time FISH FRY.....a surprise pity party....just for me.

By Saturday evening, I was exhausted....mentally....emotionally....knowing that there was NO good reason for all of this "funkiness"....so I took a mental inventory....and the good things happening in my life FAR outweigh my perceived "lack" of something....

*Sigh*  A promise is a promise....and God always keeps His promises.....so I know, without a doubt, it's just a timing thing....

And then I got to church yesterday....and my personal tag team was waiting on me.... Del + God....laying in wait for MJ....of course, I wasn't terribly surprised....it happens all the time....

Wishful thinking vs. Real Possibility .... that's where I had started my morning....very early....before I left the house...."what if"  vs. "as if."....struggling with the reality of the concept that  "just like that  everything changes"...

During the opening prayer, Del raised the question:  "How often do you allow circumstances or your inner voices to cause you to live "small"?"

Poke. Poke.  That's right, MJ....we are going to talk about YOU....and living LARGE....

Immediately I was totally humbled.  Of course, I am totally unworthy....of life, love, happiness, success, all of the good things God has planned for me....

Really? God prodded....tell ME why you are unworthy....strip away the facade....show me all of your flaws, your shortcomings, your hurts, your sins....OUCH!

As we sang, I remembered a time last year when I told a friend that I was thinking about making a change....a move, of some sort....a fresh start....and he said, "Really?  You'd just leave....go somewhere else?"

And I said, "Yes, that's what I do." 

I become restless....waiting on something to happen that never happens...so I move....searching....seeking randomly....often with no clear direction....empty....trying to fill the empty....

And God said, "Nope.  Not this time, MJ." 

Somehow I had to stay put....be still....and impatiently wait patiently for the right time to find me...to meet me....at the right place. 

Sometimes "moving" is a good thing....a proper action....other times, not.

So here I am....feeling a little stalled....despondent....unnecessary....

Someone I know is making changes....big ones....taking action....moving....motivated by the exciting possibilities ahead....and I am a little envious....I admit....of his adventure....

Who am I kidding?!?!  I am downright JEALOUS, dagnabit!

The question was raised, "Why didn't I do this a year ago?"

Simple answer.  Because it wasn't time.  You weren't ready somehow.  If you had gone there...been here...a year ago, you wouldn't be finding the same things there...or here...as you are finding today.

Life is a timing thing....always....and it's God's timing that counts....no matter how hard we try to do it for our ourselves...

So Del's message was actually about "baptism by fire"....the separating of the chaff from the wheat in our lives.  When you are "cleansed by fire" it will resonate in your heart....and you will understand....what God is trying to do in your life...

Now that's great sermon stuff...still....it's not really that simple....

Then Del said something so profound I almost came out of my chair....he said:

Breakthrough often feels lika a breakdown....there is always a definite "before" and "after".

It was like one of those movies where time stops.  And you step outside of yourself....God's there talking to you as you stare dumbfoundedly at the "frozen" you.  (God looked remarkably like Ryk...and that made me smile!)

And I knew....in that instance....EXACTLY what God has been trying to do in my life....

It's time for me to complete the process of getting rid of all that "stuff" that I've been storing up....that's not real....not important....and to simply allow myself to be ME....

Stop trying to change, MJ.  The only way to really change is to give up trying to change.  Your biggest problem isn't NOT being loved....it's not RECEIVING love....look around you.....God has put people in your life who love you EXACTLY the way you are....

Just be ME?!?....it's ok?!?....someone will love me just the way I am?!?!

That's what God said.      *Sigh*     

No disputing that.

And the common theme of the last few months came to mind....that it's relationships that matter...not things./..or success....or recognition....isn't that why God created us in the first place?!?!  To simply be in a relationship with Him?

He created Adam to worship Him....then He created Eve to join Adam....in relationship because it's not good for any of us to travel too long through life....alone....

Relationships come in all shapes & sizes....they don't all involve intimacy....all are important....it's not healthy to only have one relationship....that's obsessive....all of our friendships....our chance encounters...even our enemies represent relationships that mold who we are....and all of them are important....

I have been blessed with so many of those relationships:  friends....chance encounters....even enemies who have been integral parts of the "cleansing by fire" process....

And, yes, I long for that special someone who fits me perfectly....it's one of those puzzle pieces I keep searching for amidst the jumble on the table....

I didn't say a "perfect" someone....I said the one that fits me "perfectly"...there is a BIG difference....I am totally flawed....so it would be impossible for me to fit in with a "perfect" man...."very imperfect" remains high on my list of things I am looking for in a man....

It's all a part of the process....the cleansing by fire....separating the wheat from the chaff.  If you want to find energy in your life, you have to be willing to fall off the curb...to scrape your knee....to cry....to acknowledge the pain....to let it go....to heal....

Fire.  It's going through something...in your life...that you never thought you'd go through...and God says "I am taking all of your stuff...& burning it."  And it really hurts when He does that.  Like nothing else. 
And then you begin to look at yourself like you've never seen yourself before....as you become WHO you really are...who God created you to be...

As I was leaving, instead of the customary hug & smile, Del looked me in the eye and said "You know something about fire, don'tcha?"  And I mumbled, "Yeah. Just a little." 

I spent the rest of the day staying very BUSY....avoiding the subject....it really didn't work so well for me.

This morning two of my daily inspirational emails addressed the concept of  "admitting my shortcomings & confessing my sins"....and that was like a splash of cold water....

Stop coveting what others have, MJ....if it was really right for you, it would be right there....in your life....not over there in someone else's....

I am going to spend some time on that one....unloading my shortcomings & sins...at the feet of my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe...

I am certain He will laugh at me because He finds such delight in me simply being me....then He will whisper in my ear..."Never, ever forget, MJ....YOU are the prize!"

And now I get it....it's ok that the "funk" set in.... that the BREAKDOWN came because that means the BREAKTHROUGH is close...

It's all a part of me really & truly finding ME....finally....it's been a very long time coming!

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