It was the most profound Easter thought that I ran across in the hundreds and hundreds of others posted throughout the weekend. And I wonder, how many read it and actually gave thought to the deep truths found in that simple question?
Who rolled away the stone?
The stone that was so large.....that it covered the entire entrance to the cave by itself.....the stone that was so heavy and intimidating that it took several men to put it in place.....sealing that which was lifeless inside.....locking it up.....alone.....immovable and inevitable....
So there I was....thinking.....in the middle of the night....that IS the story of my heart....for the last few years....it has been dead, lifeless and useless.....so I took it and laid it to rest in the quiet, cool cave and rolled that stone in place...sealed it up and walked away....it was safe and out-of-the-way while I went about the business of pretending that I was living....walking wounded.....wondering all along what the point was.....because really, everything that I had thought was MY life---REAL life---no longer existed...it had shattered into a gajillion pieces---and all those bits of me that had been lost along the way were crumbled up in the mix as well....and over time all those bits of my life and pieces of me were becoming more broken & crumbled.....as carelessly I allowed the world to trample through the debris....
until now......I am trying to pick out the things worth salvaging.....struggling to puzzle them together with the newer shapes that are emerging in my life....to piece them all into a picture of the life I want to be living....
So there I was....wandering around the house in the middle of the night....on the second day....the one that no one really ever says much about.....the dark one that falls between Good Friday & Easter....and I was thinking about.....
Resurrection.
Most of the time we think of resurrection as life after death, right?!! And that's exactly what it means. I looked it up to be sure, LOL.Life after death......
the reversal of the natural order of things....it's crazy....it's exciting....it's renewal...it's restoration....it's LIFE!
Have you experienced living death? Think about it.
Living....existing....getting up every day with NO LIFE to be found anywhere. You go through the motions.....but "life"--- the one that you knew before---has gotten the best of you ----choked the happy right out of you----robbed you of your joy---your purpose---and you think, gosh, what I wouldn't give for a breath of fresh air....something good to happen.....someone to come along to make me smile.....something, anything to bring meaning and purpose back to my life...to be living the life I want to be living....but somehow it eludes me...i an needing some resurrection....
That's where I am at.....on the verge of resurrection.
I feel it. God whispers in my ear.....take your time, MJ.....take your time.....don't rush things....resurrection is my gift to you....it's free....by it always comes in MY time, not yours.....it always comes after the SECOND DAY and the SECOND NIGHT....after the desperate time....after the humbling.....after the cry of the heart....after the tears.....after the fear....after the brokenness....
This morning after church, I was visiting with two of my favorite young people--- I haven't seen them in quite some time....the room was crowded and everyone was saying "excuse me" as they squeezed past one group or another. A well dressed woman approached and touched my arm saying "Excuse me". I stepped back to let her pass and resumed my conversation. Then another gentle touch on the arm and "Excuse me" again. And I am thinking, gosh, I must have stepped right in the way of where she was trying to go,......and I started to move in another direction when she softly said, "No, it's you I am trying to reach...to talk to..."....I was stunned.
She introduced herself saying you don't know me....we have never met. I am not here often. You are the one who is always here.....and I am the one who stays away. I smiled and said, of course, I know who you are....I know your family.
Then she said it was very awkward for her to speak to me but she knew that she had to......that somehow it was important. Immediately I was curious. She said that yesterday afternoon----(that was the "second day", remember?!)......she suddenly found herself thinking about ME. Amazing. She didn't know me.....couldn't remember my name....and yet she was overcome with thoughts of me. She said she'd never really had an experience like that before. It was more of a memory, she said.....of the time I spoke before the church.....telling my story.....and she couldn't even remember how long ago that was......I smiled....it has been well over a year ago.....was that really a long time ago or just yesterday? Depends on God's time, I guess....
Anyway, she said she remembered vividly the things I had shared and that it had touched her deeply. Wow! So when she got to the service this morning and Del simply raised three questions for deeper thought....she was somewhat caught off guard....the questions were:
Is there someone you need to forgive?
Is there someone in you family you need to love?
Are you willing to be open to renewal in your life?
(What Del was really saying was do you need a little resurrection?!?!)
Then after the service....there I was......standing right there....close enough for her to awkwardly approach. We chatted for a few minutes and I told her how much it meant to me that she shared her story. It touched me deeply.
I have a lot on my mind.....a lot going on .....and I wasn't really sure what it was that I needed today....until she spoke to me....then I realized that her words.....her willingness to step out of her comfort zone.....was exactly the encouragement I needed to make me feel more comfortable in doing the very same thing.....to attempt to say some things that are unsaid in my life at the moment....
She stated again that she didn't come to church often even though others in her family were there every week. I reminded her that part of my story was how I, too, didn't WANT to be there at Grace. That it was.....and still continues to be...a struggle for me at times to just get up and go there...to that place. Of course, I know my reasons....they are very real to me....and I didn't share them with the world when I told my story.....but I offered to share them with her sometime....if she thought it would be of any help to her. It's not the people here, she said.....it's ME.....I'm the one with the problem.....
Of course....it's always that way.....we all become sealed up in the cave...the tomb....trapped in our lifelessness....numb....,lonely.....afraid to stand still.....and afraid to move.....wishing that somehow someone would roll away the stone......
We agreed to get together for coffee or lunch soon.....I told her that I would look forward to getting to know her better and being her friend. She said, I am so glad I made myself come over to speak to you.....I feel so much better....I want you to know that you spoke directly to me and touched me deeply the time you shared your heart.....
God whispered again......YOU are making a difference, MJ....trust me.....don't you trust me?!?!
She left saying.....You are strong, brave, confident and an inspiration to me....you are so willing to find the positive in every situation.....and you choose to be happy....and it shows! I wish I could be more like you!
I was blown away!
And I am thinking.....I was there....I know what I said....heck, Del even brought me a recording of it so I could hear myself......hurt, broken, and somewhat desperate....and today, here was a woman saying I heard you...you said you were choosing happy (those were her exact words) and it's an inspiration to me.
interesting.....so let's talk about happy....
Happy. It's an action.....not a feeling. Just like love. In one of the morning horoscope readings last week, a friend's said something about that.....to look around and see who was reaching out from the heart and there you would find love and not from the one who simply caught your eye. Paraphrased....I know....but it stuck with me all week.
So back to the act of choosing happy. I have been thinking all along that it was about me choosing for myself....deliberately taking control of my demeanor and my state of mind.....to find the good all around me.....to focus on the positive.....to continue to slowly put in place the puzzle pieces as I find them....on the way to the life I want to be living......and a beautiful picture IS emerging....piece by piece....slowly....every so slowly.....a process of healing....a journey....
....everyone who knows me knows I love adventure....and surprises.....and the unknown....it's just been so very long since I have been open enough to explore the wonder of it all...i am in need of some resurrection.....
Last nite, though, in my wandering & musing.....I realized it wasn't just about choosing happy in me....it was recognizing happy in others.....and then choosing THEM.
"No one can do THAT for me, MJ.....only I can make ME happy!"... a friend said to me last summer....he wasn't happy and he knew it....more importantly he knew it was up to him to re-arrange the pieces of his life....when he was ready....and not expect something or someone to suddenly transform things for him....
....and it was that specific conversation that prompted the "I am choosing happy" philosophy for me. He was right.....only I can make me happy....only he can make him happy....only you can make you happy.....
Choosing happy, though, is something entirely different.
There is a friend that has been sending up signals for quite some time.....a flash of neon...."HAPPY...I am HAPPY!"....an electric flash ..."HAPPY....that's ME!! I am HAPPY!".......a smile......"I am HAPPY!" .....lighting up the universe......'See me...I am HAPPY!"....
How is it that I have been missing something so obvious?!?!
It's not simply choosing to be happy myself.....it's recognizing HAPPY in others and choosing them as well!
Life isn't great for my friend right now.....and everything hasn't quite fallen into place yet in that life....still THERE is someone who has decided to BE happy...where they are....today....confident and strong.....as only they can do....just like me......I just didn't get it right away.....at least not this time...still a little intimidated by that stone, I guess...
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
I am going to be trying to look at people and things a little bit differently in the weeks ahead....to allow myself to take a risk....to step out of my comfort zone....to be more open with the ones who matter most to me....to keep looking for the happy in others......and when I find them....the HAPPY ones.....those will be the ones I choose to share my time, energy and life with as I continue to rediscover my joy and purpose.
Resurrection......that's the message of Easter.....then and now....
Sing it Nicole Sponberg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOEGPQZWlR4
....and when the time is right....the stone will have been completely rolled away....and the lifeless will become ALIVE....and there will be no doubt at all as to who rolled away the stone!
www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
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