I live on a cul-de-sac. Everytime I reach the corner....coming or going....I look to the left....then to the right....and as I make the turn, I experience a moment or two of discontent....sometimes it's more like anger.
Those of you who know me....know why. Time has lessened the anger....these days it tends to be more of a twinge of lousy....and if the sun's shining it vanishes fairly quick.
Yesterday....out-of-the-blue....or maybe it was in response to my "make my day" status....who knows?!?!
Anyway, yesterday I had the chance to visit with two of my favorite people....ever. Haven't seen either one of them in way too long. It was great to catch up.
We traded stories about those years....and the projects....that were once the focal point of our lives....and the foundation of our friendship. Now, several years later, it makes me wonder why it all seemed so important then....but it was....and, yes, it still is.....it's just that I have moved on....
Catching up....not much has changed for them....everything has changed for me....
As we talked about the whereabouts of this person....or that person....mostly the people who were a part of the lynch mob who were determined to destroy me....I couldn't help myself ....instinctively saying....well, what did they really gain from all of that....today I am happy....and tthose people...they are....not....
Happy.
I said it outloud. To two people who have paid a huge price personally for doing the right thing....for being my friend....for patiently supporting & encouraging me through all of the disruptive changes that have led me to today. And honestly, there will never be a way to thank them enough for being my friend through the hardest chapter of my life....thus far....
I AM happy. I am HAPPY.
I said it outloud. Unconciously....to these two friends....so it must be true.
A more recent friend told me once that he knew that no one else could do that for him....make him happy.
Only he can make him happy....only I can make me happy.
His strategy has been....and continues....to be "fake it until he makes it"....he's told me that many, many times.
My strategy has been "deal with the real stuff"....to struggle through it....to take out & deal with all the stuff....even if it hurts....a little bit at times....especially if the hurt was very great....at other times overwhelming myself with the junk in the closets of my heart in my impatient rush to get to what's coming next....
Along with the two friends I caught up with yesterday, he is one of the most important person to come into my life in the last ten years.
Hindsight is a cool thing. Sometimes. At the very least, it provides clarity & meaning to tumultuous times that made no sense at all while we were living through them.
Moving back to Arkansas was inevitable....a God-thing. There was never any doubt that it was exactly what I was supposed to do....that I was exactly where I was supposed to be....and that everything that has happened here was necessary....was important....
Pruning....cutting me back....to prepare me for growth. Did I say pruning?!?! Heck, the last five years have been more like a major bush-hog of my life.....
People come into our lives during each chapter of our story for very specific reasons. Sometimes they are heros....other times villains....and there is always a crowd of spectators....Gotta love crowd dynamics...
After I got home from dinner with my old friend last nite, I couldn't help but think about the contrast between friends who make the cut....and friends who don't....during the pruning....
An old acquaintance who is becoming a friend shared with me on a recent visit his surprise in discovering that he had unresolved relationships....you know....ones that you think that you have left behind due to time or distance....but you really haven't....because there's just stuff still dangling....easier that way....at the time...to not tie up the loose ends....to simply walk away....
And you think that you are ready for whatever is coming next....because those unresolved things have become hidden or buried....momentarily forgotten....and then you discover that you're not....not prepared....not ready....not really.... when you come face-to-face with something that has the potential to be special....
It was that conversation with him that made me realize that I had some of those unresolved relationships lingering on the fringes of my life....and that it was important to take care of them....right away....that they were roadblocks along the way to the life I want to be living....
Letting go of that friend....the one who had become too important....has proven to be harder than I imagined....at the same time it has been the most liberating thing I have done in quite some time....
It's time to move forward....to leave behind the people and things that suck the life out of me....causing me to feel lousy more often than not.
Truth is, this friendship---or whatever it was--- was never real to begin with.....after all, this is a man who fakes it until he makes it....in all things. So really I shouldn't have been terribly surprised to discover that it....wasn't really real....after all.
But I was. And it hurts. Probably always will.
All in all, though, the fact remains....I am choosing happy....& I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there. It's not possible to be happy if you are busy "faking" your way through life.
So that's where I am at....today....at the end of the road that leads to nowhere....it's been a long time coming....and an interesting trip to say the least....
I am determined to not let the regular pauses at the corner....or the fingerprints that still linger on the windshield of my life....to get in the way of what I see ahead....& where I want to go....
And now that I am here I am relieved to discover that it isn't a DEADend....after all....
So I am tying up those loose ends....pruning for growth....resolving those unresolved things that may be holding me back....taking down walls....
Maybe it's time to simply throw that door open.....
....and hopefully today's not-so-good feeling is temporary....
I have been liking the good feeling....and the smiles...I have really been enjoying the smiles....
Happy. I am happy. It's a new feeling for me. And I am not sure that I am totally comfortable with it.
