Rainchecks & Resolutions

 It's going to be the best year ever!
Happy New Year!

That was the message I got ... in the very first minutes of 2011 ... from someone who is important to me ... someone who's place in my life ... remains ... undefined ...

It made me feel special ... in the moment ... so I thanked him for such a nice wish ... and the instantaneous response was ....

It's HIS will.

A surprise message from an unexpected source ... kinda sorta like a fun fortune in one of those cookies ... that's how my "new" year started ...

I have wandered through the days ... the weeks ... the months since then with that little tidbit tucked away in my heart ... and it pops up ... the thought of it ... all on its own ... an unexpected word of encouragement from an unexpected source.

The year has been full of stuff ... so far ... actually full of overwhelming stuff ... and I am not sure that I have reached a place yet ...that allows me to see clearly ... whether the outcomes are more positive or negative ... whether real progress is being made in my life  ... in the lives of those who are most important to me ... or not ...

... not yet ...

There's been a lot of challenges ... pruning ... changes ... hurting ... healing.  So my guess is that real progress IS being made ... time will tell ....

I've been learning things.  That's for sure.  Things about myself ... that may have always been part of who I am ... just dormant for a very long time.  And maybe not.  It's possible that some of these things are brand-new & fresh ...

Impatiently waiting patiently ... for what's coming next.  I've been doing that for what seems like a very long time.  Reality is ... it's only been as long as ... the blink of an eye ... the snap of a finger ... the flip of a switch from "off" to "on".

June 2011 will always be remembered by me ... as the waiting month.  Waiting for the plumber ... waiting for the new dishwasher ... waiting for the cable man ... waiting on the old client ... waiting on new opportunities.

And for most of the year,  I was simply waiting for June ... expectantly ... because of that pesky raincheck ... that was first offered over a single candle ... very early in the year.

There comes a time, you know, when there's too many candles ... it becomes harder & harder to determine which ONE is the one that counts ... the one  you are supposed to make the wish on ...

So on this particular cake ... there was only one candle ... to keep it simple ... to make it easy to focus ... one candle ... one wish ... just before it was blown out the observation was made ... that possibly a little thought should be given to this one ... because it was just one wish ... and maybe it was important ...

... yeah ... maybe it was.

So the raincheck was offered up ... after the reality of the situation set in.  A month or so later ... an attempt to redeem it was made ...  on a snow day ...

"Not now ... not yet ... maybe in June" ...

Rainchecks are interesting things.  They represent something that is offered ... that you think you want  ... but when you go to get it ... it's somehow unavailable.  And you wonder ... was it really available when the offer was put out there? ... Or was it just a gimmick to lure you in? ... To determine the level of interest .. the demand ... for what was being offered?

Sometimes ... if it's something you really want ... and are willing to wait for ... a raincheck is offered ... and accepted.  It's the promise ... of an unrealized opportunity ... to be redeemed at some future date.

Rainchecks are generally received with enthusiasm ... with every intention of being used ... of enjoying whatever it is ... sometime in the not too distant future ... like June. 

It's not uncommon, though, for them to be tucked away for safekeeping ... and forgotten ... only to be rediscovered at some much later time ... after the expiration date has come & gone.

At that point ... it is simply a flimsy reminder ... of an opportunity for something special ... that's been lost.

That's exactly what it feels like ... my raincheck that was given freely over a single candle ... validated on a snow day ... to be redeemed in June ... maybe ...

Turns out ... it was nothing more than a wish ... for a chance ... at something special ... that has never come to pass ... and I wonder, how long is "not yet"?

Just about as long as "maybe" ... I guess ..

June has ended ... July is here. 

In the business world, July is often the beginning of the the NEW year .. the fiscal year ... the re-evaluating of public revenues & public debt ... that's what fiscal means ... somehow, I get that.

In my world ... July is the beginning of a new year, too.  My life is lived out from one July to the next ... because lives begin on the day you are born ... and the days that make a year ... in a life ... are counted ... one-by-one ...
from that day forward.

I woke up yesterday ... it was the first day of July ... the first day after June ... and the first thought of the day was about that wish that was sent my way ... at the beginning of the traditional year ... about the best year ever  ... and I was thinking ...

Yeah ... well not so much ... not this year ... not yet ...

Being the word snob that I am ... I decided this might be a good time to take a closer look at "best" because like so many other things in life ... quite possibly the meaning has been lost or distorted somehow ... along the way ...

... and sure 'nuff, I was right ...

best - excelling all others; most productive of good

...hmmm ... "most productive of good" ... that probably doesn't always mean ... easy ... or fun ...

Then it occurred to me that the wish was intended for MY new year ... not the new year of the rest of the world ... and MY new year doesn't start for a couple more days. 

So I decided to sit down  ... and review the resolutions I made for myself as this new year started ... to see where I am at ... with those ... and how far I still need to go ... to get there ... where I want to go ...
as MY new year begins to unfold.

Honest.  Before I even had my first cup of coffee ... I was thinking about reviewing & re-establishing my New Year's resolutions. 

I never make this stuff up.

Coffee in hand ... I decided to check my email ... before I took a look at those resolutions ... 

Just a few minutes first ...  for those positive messages that fill my inbox ... either because of subscriptions to things or forwards from friends ... and the daily readings of my horoscope that amuse me so much ... because God often uses them to poke ... and prod me ... by sending me surprise messages ... that affirm what He's already telling me ... from unexpected sources.

Cancer Friday, Jul 1st, 2011

Today's Solar Eclipse can be a harbinger of an energetic shift

within your family. You could bury your head in the sand and be totally surprised by what happens,

or you can co-create your future by living the change you seek.

Start by sitting down and writing a list of resolutions,
as if it is New Year's Day.

And I wonder anew ... why am I always surprised when He does that to me ?!?!  Seriously.  You'd think I'd see it coming ... by now ... but I never do ...

Not yet.

So I went back to my very first blog post of the year -
 January 1, 2011 New Year's Resolutions - and here's what I found:

Choose happy ...
People before things ... always ...
Pray more ... wish less ...
Follow my heart ... whereever it leads ... at all costs ...

 

Be open to new adventures ...

Let someone in ... even if it hurts ...
Focus less on changing ... & more on being ... who I am ...

 

Don't lose sight of what's really important ---

like hand-holding & smiles ...

Embrace what's coming next with

joy & enthusiasm ...

 

Believe ...

Pretty sure I am going to stick with those resolutions ... and tomorrow ... I will make MY birthday wish ... it's not a secret ... what it's going to be ... it's the same wish that was offered to me on New Year's Day ... by someone who was on the verge of their personal new year ... at the time.

Sure hope they are grasping the concept of  "most productive for good" as they continue to navigate their way through the changes ... resulting from that single wish ... made over the single candle ... because there's no doubt ... it is important.

... the best year ever ...

That's my wish.  I am embracing it confidently.  Because "It's His will".  That's what my friend said.  And I believe him ... and Him.

... it's a raincheck ... with NO expiration date ... I'll take it ...

yes, indeed ... all that & a bag of ... M&Ms ...

Happy Birthday to ME!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c)July 2011

Forgiving ...

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthday.  She has been getting messages ... mixed signals ... for days ... maybe even weeks or months ... about what's coming next ... in her life ...

Just one word.  Possibilities.  Simple enough.  A little scary, maybe ... but very, very cool!

I've been getting a bunch of messages, too ... since my birthday in July ... the BEST birthday I've had in too many years to count ...about what's coming next ... in my life ...

In a word, Forgiveness.

*Sigh* Not so simple.  Why do I always get the IMPOSSIBLE tasks?!?!

Maybe it's because I dream big ... and wish for the things that involve magic & miracles ...

A great message was presented on Sunday by a guest speaker.  He says he doesn't "preach" any more ... he simply speaks ... or maybe he speaks simply ... either way ... it went a long way to helping me figure out how to bring closure to some things ...

Hurt really does hurt ... that's what he said.

Of course, I know that ... I just never wanted to say it outloud.  Nope. I'd rather try to shove the hurt way down deep inside ... pretending that it's not there ... because I simply don't want to hurt ... don't want to let anyone know they have hurt me ... or that  I am hurting ... I am too tough & strong ... to be hurt ...

... you don't have the power to hurt me ...

Yeah, right.  Whatever.

Many of the things I am going to say about what forgiveness IS and ISN'T were shared with us on Sunday ... they resonated deeply with me ...

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting.  It's NOT pretending something didn't happen.

One of the deepest wounds in my heart dates back to my pre-teen years.  It's one that has held me back & impacted every important relationship in my life.  Only recently have I been willing ... and possibly able ... to scrape all of the scar tissue off of it and examine it ... closely.  

It's amazing to me that it has taken me two lifetimes to get here. 

There is a "new" friend in my life who was actually the catalyst for the acceptance of this hurt ... the realization that it was caused by someone else's insecurity & feelings of inadequancy ... and I should have never accepted it as my own.

Thank you  ... for simply being you ... WHO you are ... & choosing to be my friend ... acting as if  it was ME that was somehow bringing something special to YOUR life ...

That opened the door a crack ... allowing me to see it all so clearly.

... and you don't even know you did that ... for me ...

The door is wide open now ... and the view outside is amazing!

Forgiving is NOT justifying.  I always want to over-think everything ... to understand why someone did what they did or said what they said. 

Understanding WHY really doesn't make it OK.

An important friend hurt me deeply a few years ago ... he had been there for me as I made a couple of the hardest decision of my life ... he shared my pain as I cried & ranted & prayed ... if anyone had ever suggested that he wouldn't always be there for me I would have scoffed at the thought of it ...

... there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me ... yet he denied me three times ... before the cock crowed ... without even blinking an eye ...

There really aren't any words to describe the devastation that I felt as he coldly removed me from his life...without ever talking about it ...

Sure, I know what happened.  And I accept full responsibility for my part in what took place that set that domino-effect into motion.  If I had it to do over, there's really nothing I would have said or done differently. 

Maybe he honestly feels the same way.  It doesn't really matter now.

And even though I knew why he did what he did at the time ... it doesn't mean that I will ever understand it.

I forgave him almost immediately.  Still it didn't fix things or take away any of the hurt.  And even though we have managed to re-establish a friendship now .. now that things have changed ...

It still hurts from time-to-time.

He says often ... "You HAVE to understand why ..."  But I don't.  I don't "have to" ... understand.

He's not the only one that's used that argument on me recently.  It makes me angry when people do that.  Try to place the burden of responsibility on everyone else ... on me ... because they are hurting somehow ... and don't know how to fix it ... or aren't willing to examine their hurts ... their hearts ...  and offer the forgiveness that will free them.

It's hard, I know.  But heck, if I am willing to do it ... then they should do it, too.  It's only fair ... and life is always fair ... right?!?

Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation or trust.  Forgiveness means you have come to terms with that person &
what they've done to you.  It doesn't mean you have to trust them in the same way again. 

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthdays.  She is moving into the new year of her life with hope & expectation ... embracing the possibilities ...

Me, too.

Last nite I spent the evening with some of my favorite people.  We laughed & shared little bits of our lives.  It was fun where we were ... because we were there together. 

And my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... He showed up, too.

Actually, He had been hanging out with me all day ... even though He was being really quiet so I wouldn't know He was there ... watching me as I realized that the unraveling of things wasn't a negative after all ...

Sometimes you have to unravel the tangled up mess in order to have a fresh start ...

First there was the early morning phone call.  Forgiveness.  It was hanging in the air.  I even said to myself afterwards how great it felt to know that I was finally forgiving that lifelong, life-altering hurt ... knowing that THAT person who truly loves me better than life never even realized what they had done all those years ago ... knowing that it was never intentional ... it was just one of life's hurts.

Then came the intense, heart wrenching conversation over lunch.  I knew God was sitting there ... though .. with me.  He had His hand on my shoulder ... whispering in my ear ... forgive, MJ ... that's all you have to do ... I will take care of the rest ... he's almost there ...

That's ALL I have to do ?!?

So the day ended in the company of people who love me.  And as we wandered into the situation of the evening ... late ... finding our seats ... it was just too funny.  By the time we all settled in, everyone at our table was giggling ...

I chose to avoid the back-to-back position ... only to discover that it was eyeball-to-eyeball instead.  Yep.  Direct eye contact throughout dinner with a stranger at the next table.

Unraveling ... the tangled up mess had stopped tangling up my heart ... sometime ago ... I just didn't know it ... until last nite ... when the lights came up and I realized that the stranger was really not a stranger at all.

A life covered in prayer is less likely to unravel.  That's the gift she gave me when my world was falling apart ... a message of hope & encouragement that continues to speak to me daily ... even as she pulled the rug completely out from under my feet.

Forgiveness.  It's a chance.  It's recognizing the hurt.  It's showing mercy.  It's living free of bitterness. It's taking responsibility for your own life. 

By the end of the evening, God simply couldn't contain Himself.  He had the perfect punchline ... ready & waiting for me. 

Guess I should have seen it coming ...

The seating arrangements ... how in the world did you let that happen?  I asked my friend who organized the event.  She was clueless.  What?!?!  So I explained it to her with a laugh ...

I wanted to know if it had been deliberate ... somehow.  In the end, she said no it wasn't.

But it was.  Deliberate.  Just not on her part.

I know for sure that it was because when I asked the question ... her immediate, unconcious response was simply one word.

Forgiveness. 

Yep. That's what she said.

"Forgiveness, MJ.  That's the message.  Don't you get it?!?!"

We were both stunned and amazed at her spontaneous outburst. And His laughter & love filled the empty gymnasium. 

As always, the joke was on me ... and God had the last laugh.

... you see, forgiving isn't about healing the other person's hurts ... it's about allowing our hurts to heal ...

Getting hurt ... forgiving ... it changes us ... sometimes for the better ...
Choosing happy.  That's been my focus for a couple of years now.  And yesterday, on one of my best friends' birthday I gave the greatest gift  ... ever ... to myself ...

Forgiveness.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer

H.A.P.P.Y. to the B.I.R.T.H.D.A.Y.

It was my birthday over the weekend.  And well wishes came rolling in from near and far.

Happy Birthday.  Happy Birthday to you.  Hope you have the happiest birthday ever. 

... and on and on and on ...  each one made me smile!

At some point I began reflecting on "happy" ... sure, I started "choosing happy" a year or so ago ... it's a constant effort ... a daily choice ... to be "happy" ... in the midst of life's chaos.

Choosing Happy was prompted by a friend's observation: 
No one can do that for me, MJ.  Make me happy.  Only I can do that for me.

He was right.  Of course.  Only he can make him happy.  Only I can make me happy.

Happy means something different to everyone.  So I decided to check out webster.com for clarification & here's what I found:

Happy is ... 

... favored by luck or fortune:  fortunate < a happy coincidence>

Coincidence, huh?!  Not likely.  Digging a little deeper I found that  "fortunate" actually means "bringing some good thing not forseen as certain" ...hmmm ... sounds a little more like that other "F" word to me ... FAITH .

Happy is ...

... notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : felicitous

That doesn't sound very exciting ... like more practical than fun ... then I looked up "felicitous" ... discovered
"pleasant" & "delightful" there ... cool, very cool.

Happy is ...

... enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment

The example here was " is the happiest person I know"... and immediately I had visions of  Jessi telling us all that she was the "HAPPIEST girl".  Smiling.  Jessi is STILL the "happiest girl"!  Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to share with many friends about the wonderful place Jessi is in life right now.  Meaningful work, few worries, & a very special someone who makes her feel beautiful & loved.  No wonder she's HAPPY!

Happy is ...

... having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship

Friends are source of happiness.  Not really a surprise.  And I have the most amazing friends!  Instead of counting candles this year, I counted friends.  I am truly blessed!

This has been one of my best birthdays ever.  And the reason is that I have finally found "happy". 

It's not a euphoric, over-the-top kind of feeling.  It's simply an easy, natural contentment.  All of the "being still" is starting to make sense.  The constant motion & busyness has been a defense mechanism.  You know, finding all of those IMPORTANT reasons not to spend time on that very important friendship ... the one with myself.

For me, this year will always be remembered as the one that I took time off ... from "real life" ... the year that I allowed myself to dream BIG ... the year that I followed my heart even though it made absolutely no sense ... the year that I stretched myself emotionally, financially, spiritually ... the year that I took risks ... accepted challenges ... rediscovered MJ...

Life is good.

Going forward, this birthday will definitely be remembered as the HAPPY one.

... so take a minute ... actually, take a whole bunch of minutes ... and spend some time with yourself ... why not take a chance ... on YOU ... it's time well-spent ... start now ... figure it out ...

HAPPY ... what does it mean to you?!?!

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/

(c) maryjanesawyer, July 2010

www.openzine.com/lifelessons

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