Trainwreck ....

Have you ever felt like you were witnessing a trainwreck ?!?!

You know, in slow motion ... you see the switch isn't set ... or the bridge is out ... and the train is just racing down the track ... oblivious ...
to the danger ahead ...

... and you want to do something ... anything ... to stop it ... but there's really nothing to be done except sit on the sidelines ... and wait for the crash.

I know a thing or two about trainwrecks.  Guess maybe that's why it's making me so anxious ... the waiting & seeing ...

"My life is a trainwreck ... and I am the walking wounded" ... that's what I told people ... after my divorce ... and then my "second" divorce ... from work ... that followed so close on the heels of the first ...

And that's exactly how I felt.  Like I had been riding along .... on track ... then suddenly .. blindsided ... and life as I knew it was shattered ...
into a million gajillion pieces ...

Trainwreck aftermath.  It's awful.  It 's debilitating.  It's really & truly lousy. 
For a very long time.

You wander around in a daze ... a fog ... wondering what the heck happened here ... and will anything ever seem stable or real again.

No one could have stopped my train ... from wrecking.  And I am sure that there were any number of my friends who had been sitting on the sidelines ... much as I am today ... thinking there's going to be a  crash ... it's going to be messy .... knowing it was inevitable ... and yet
there was nothing they could do ...

... except wait ... and then step into the rubble ... assist in gathering up the pieces ... that were worth salvaging for the future ...

Search & rescue.  Tend to the wounded.  Salvage the least damaged cargo. 

I can do that.  When the time comes. 

In the meantime ... all I can do is watch ... and pray ... and wait ...

... for the inevitable ... crash.

Life is just tough ... at times ... but God is faithful.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011

... moonSHADOW ...

Photo by V. L. Cox 3-20-11

The moon has been absolutely stunning the last few nites.  Of course, everyone has been talking about the "super" moon ... whatever that means.  I really haven't paid much attention to the scientific hoopla ... just have been enjoying the beauty of the full moon ... rising ... setting ... & just sittin' there for hours outside of my bedroom window.

Since I am now sleeping upstairs, the moon has seemed close enough to touch ... casting a moon shadow ... a la Cat Stevens ...

 

They say ... you know, whoever the "they" is that is always "saying" stuff ... that a full moon has a lot of impact on people and their actions.  So I guess the "super" moon has been stirring up chaos in a LARGER way ... somehow ...

Certainly has been ... in my circle of friends ...

There has been some pretty extra special stuff going on ... over here in my world ... & the lives of people I care about ... and some that has been more intense & dramatic than special ...

Not sure what to make of it all ... except to know that it's all a part of a bunch of different stories ... unfolding ...

A friend said this morning, "God sure is having a good time with us lately" ... so I said 'You mean like you & me ... us or just us in a more general sense?"

She said, "You & me ... us." 

I was puzzled by that.  I am a constant source of humor to God ... nothing new or different there.  She is struggling with changes ... and choices ... and I strive to be the consistent thing in her world ... providing her a sense of balance ... as she navigates her way across the wire ...

Still at times I am the catalyst ... as well as the constant ... somedays it's not easy to be me ...

A few weeks ago, Del shared any interesting concept in one of his Sunday morning messages.  It had to do with "safety" from your enemies. 

Biblically, your enemy loses all power over you .... you are safe from ALL harm ... as soon as you find a friend ... and touch a friend's tent.  Once you enter your friend's tent, there is sanctuary ... and no one can touch you or harm you there.

Sanctuary.  In a friend's tent.  Which in biblical days was your friend's home, most often than not.  Interesting concept.  I'm thinking it is still relevant today.

Everyone has enemies.  And enemies aren't just people.  An enemy is anything that pursues you to bring you harm.  Sometimes we are own enemy.  You know, like THEY say ... you are your own WORST enemy.

And ... everyone needs a place of safety .... where enemies can't harm you.  That's why God gave us friends.  It is in the presence of friends that we can find shelter, hope, compassion, forgiveness ... whatever it is that we are in need of to restore and refresh our hearts ...

Healing is found in the the tent of a friend.

All of us are looking for ways to justify our behavior.  Most of the time, when we do something troublesome or that has unexpected, unpleasant consequences ... it's because we simply aren't thinking. 

That's right.  We do something.  It blows up  ... or doesn't turn out quite like we planned ... and we say, "Gosh!  What was I thinking?!?"  Truth is ... we weren't.

We keep on going down those roads ... where we have been beat up ... or harmed ... in the past ... it's like we know better ... but we don't know any OTHER way ... to go ...

So we go down the familar road ... by our own choosing ... and then we wonder why we get what we get ...

Or we say we don't really care ... that the outcomes are the outcomes ... or that we don't care what anyone else says ...

Yeah. Right.  We really DO care.

Change.  It's just so dang hard.  Wouldn't it be cool if it was truly as simple as saying "I will take a different road this time" ?!? 

Instead we just wander around ... on familiar roads that lead to nowhere ... frying up a bunch of fish from time-to-time ... thinking things will never be different ... because we failed so miserably ... and nothing can ever fix that.

That's what Moses said ... because he failed so miserably ... he was just going to tend sheep for the rest of his life.  Sounded like a good plan at the time.  But God had other plans for Moses. 

God has other plans for us, too.

It's not just our enemies that pursue us, you know ... God pursues us as well.  He pursues us with love & grace.

It's the truth.  The Almighty God --- Creator of the Universe -- has decided that He loves YOU ... and He's coming after you.  He knows your heart ... where you are ... right this minute ... and He's not going to turn you loose ... once He has your attention.

Ponder that.

So there you are ... hanging out in your friend's tent ... with your enemies in hot pursuit ... encircling the camp ... just waiting for you to take a step outside. 

And God's pursuing you, too.  Difference is, He's got back-up ... on the inside ... of the tent.  You're there with your friend, after all.

A friend will tell you ... you don't have to feel bad about who you are ... not anymore ... you're safe here ... stay as long as it takes.

Most of the "bad" stuff we do is because we see ourselves "bad" in someway ... quite simply ... we don't love & respect ourselves ... and we don't believe we are worthy of anyone else's love & respect either.

That's where a friend steps in ... to remind you of what's real & true about you ... a friend will help you discard all the junk you drug along into the tent with you ... a friend will help you to re-discover the things that make you special & valued ...

There's nothing more important in our lives ... than being real.

So how do you get there ... to being real ?

You drop some of the stuff that you've been hanging on to ... that isn't really as important as you have made it out to be.  You decide you want to be free to live YOUR life.  You quit allowing others to control you ... or pull your puppet strings.

Most of us really dislike ourselves .... living day-after-day-after day with our same ole stuff.  And we really-&-truly-honest-to-God want to change ... ourselves ... to change our lives.
 
So how do we make those important changes ... without changing the core of who we are?  That's what my friend asked rhetorically ... this morning ...

There's nothing easy about change.  In John 7: 66-69, the story is related of how many of the followers of Jesus ... left ... after He had explained how difficult it was going to be ... and how deep inside of their hearts they were going to have to go ... to change ... to live in a new way. 

This morning, Del's message was about that story.  Opening his message, he said, "Step out ... take a chance ... do someting different ..."  Jessi responded from her seat, "Amen!"

Jessi always makes me smile. 

Change comes when we get tired of sitting in the same place ... when we are ready for an adventure ... when we are ready to try mercy ... when we live constantly ready to be surprised. ... when we finally move from a selfish life to a giving life ...

I really liked the part about the surprises.  I love surprises!  You can't be surprised as long as your life is all planned out ... with timelines ... deadlines ... this has to happen ... and that has to happen ...

... then maybe in June, MaryJane ... yeah, right ... a lot can happen between now & June ... what if I can't wait?!?  It's impossible to enjoy the surprises ...  in every breath ... when you are so busy focusing on down-the-road that you miss the possibilities of here-and-now ...

Change comes when you want something different ... so badly ... that you have nothing left to loose.  That's what Janis Joplin said ... "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose ..."  

Reminds me of someting I read this morning about communication ... just because something's said outloud doesn't mean it was communicated well ... a good communicator is a story teller ... who shares in a way that is easily understood by his audience ... last week it was Lady Antebellum ... this week it's Janis Joplin ... gotta love Del for keeping it real ...

Sanctuary.  My friends are always welcome ... in my tent.  It's a safe place for them ... to heal & change. 

"Be slow in choosing a friend slower in changing."  That's what Benjamin Frankin had to say about it.    Change is personal ... afterall ... it has to come from within oneself ... not through someone else ..

So I think that means I don't have to be there ... inside my tent ... physically ... with them ... the entire time.



Photo by Wilton C. Wescott
3-20-11



Do you want to try something new, MJ?  Would you like to do something different?  Those questions keep popping up.  And my answer is always the same ... Yes, indeed I do!

As for me ... right now ... today ... I am ready for adventure  ... I am open to the unexpected ... willing to take a chance ... to grab a hold of the good things when they come my way ... choosing happy ...

... cuz I'm leaping & hopping on a moonSHADOW ...

Moon SHADOW ... moon SHINE ... it's all good.

Life is good.  Very, very good.


http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011

Ladybug GPS

Yesterday was beautiful.  Sun was shining.  Top was down.  A ladybug took a ride on my windshield.  All the way to the bowling alley & back, it perched there ... serving as my GPS ... enjoying the ride ...

Just like me ... I guess.

Back in my driveway, I reached for my camera.  I wanted to capture the moment.  That's when the ladybug took flight.  Must not like to have her picture taken ...

Just like me ... I guess.

Ladybugs are lucky.  Everyone knows that.  In some Asian cultures, it is believed that the ladybug understands human language ... and has been blessed by God ... Himself.

When my Google-search turned up that tidbit of ladybug lore, it made me smile. 

"Blessings" has been the word of the day ... for oh-so-many-days ...

So I guess it's really no surprise that a ladybug crossed my path yesterday. 

The past week has been full of unexpected developments ... interesting conversations ... and, for those who thrive on it, tremendous opportunities for drama.

I don't do drama.  Not well.  'Nuff said.

There's a certain dialogue ... underway ... that's weighing heavy on my mind. The what-to-say, what-not-to-say dilemma ... initiated by unforseen circumstances ... followed by a nudge ... well, actually it was more like a shove ... from my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... that sent me racing down a road I really wasn't ready to go down ...

... all of which came on the heels of several of other exhausting conversations ... situations ... as I keep trying to be there ... for a variety of friends ... when I don't even know where "there" is ...

Funny.  One day this week my little facebook fortune said "You are there."  Hopefully time will tell where it is ... that I have finally arrived.

So the beautiful day ... and the chances to enjoy the top down rides ... as I went about my Saturday errands was therapeutic ... and I was listening carefully ... respecting the silence ...

Upon return, I picked up one of the many books that I have laying around the house ... and flipped it open randomly ... landed on page 165 ... here's what I found ... there ...

"A vision we give to another of who & what they could become
has power when it echoes what the Spirit has already spoken into their souls."

The book is CONNECTING by Larry Crabb.  It was given to me a few years ago ... by a good friend ... who has been a source of encouragement & insight during my personal journey of the last 6 years ... for true intimacy ...   

Most people raise their eyebrows where I tell them that is my quest ... because most people think "intimacy" is just another word for "sex".  Wrong-a-mondo!

Intimacy is something entirely different.  It has to do with familiarity ... knowing someone well ... inside & out ... it implies a close relationship ... one that has long ago dispensed with ceremony & formality.  It's the sharing of life between two people in an open, real, genuine way.  There is emotional intimacy ... intellectual intimacy ... & physical intimacy.

Good friendships will be based on at least one or a combination of the three. Oftentimes some truly intimate relationships are purely platonic ... the emotional & intellectual connections are so strong.

 The most special of relationships ... true intimacy ... would embody them all. 
However, those connections are extremely rare ...

... like maybe, one in ten million.

The book raises ... & addresses ... the questions:  "Why are we afraid of connecting with others?  And what has prevented us from achieving the thrill of intimacy with friends & family that God wants us to have?"

My friend sent me to find the book ... because ... he knows that connections come as natural as breathing to me ... that all three "intimacies" are important to me ... and at the time,  he said I was "ready" ... whatever that means.

Haven't spent much time with the book ... yet ... even though I've had it for quite awhile.  So maybe I wasn't really as ready as he thought.

Yesterday, it spoke to my questioning heart.

It went on to say ...

"A Spirit-inspired vision sometimes includes an idea of what a person could do, but it always centers on what a person could become."

Validating for me the highly charged conversations of the week .. affirming that somehow ... instinctively ... my responses were right ... and appropriate.  Whew!  That makes me feel a little bit better .. about things.

 

I had goals for the day ... yesterday. Make enough chicken spaghetti to feed a small army ... get Jessi to-and-from all of her dates with Donald ... clean up the patio ... & make a concentrated effort to start organizing the patio storage room.

Most of the immediate moving around in the storage room had to do with Christmas stuff.  Then I moved on to some boxes of old samples from my promtional products days .... tossed some ... kept some cool little items ... began a give-it-away box. 

In the midst of those types of boxes, I stumbled across a random CD case ... full of CDs.  I had to smile.  It was Abbi's old playlist ... from the days before Ipods & Iphones ... her encyclopedia of music ... the soundtrack of both of our lives ... during some of the toughest times ... ever.

Abbi has very cool taste in music.  She enjoys many of my oldies favorites.  More importantly, though, she has always introduced me to fresh, new artists ... artists who sing songs with messages ... that tell stories .. that touch my heart.

When I went on my one-and-only-roadtrip since my divorce ... a couple of years ago ... I asked Abbi for all of these CDs ... I wanted it to be my own little "roadmap" much like in her favorite movie, Elizabethtown. 

She couldn't find them ... at the time ... duh?!?! ... now I know they were lurking around in my storage room ... so she gave me her Ipod instead ... and said "Just hit shuffle, Mom, all of your songs will be there!"

The memory of Abbi's roadmap of music ... on the road to re-discovering myself ... always makes me smile!

Of course, I was still pondering the heartening message I had found in the book earlier. 

It said that if you were the one who had a vision of someone else's potential that it almost always created "anguish in your heart".

That was reassuring.  Guess my present uncertainty is a normal ... expected ... thing.  Thank goodness for that one!  Because there's no doubt that I have been anguished several times in recent days over the circumstances ... the honesty that was required of me ... the discomfort I have had at times in offering it ... & now the uncertainity of how things will play out ... because of that honesty.


Drug another box out & hidden in the bottom were stacks of yellowed papers, newspaper clippings, magazine pages ... and beneath them were two metal card files of differing sizes & a book sealed up in a plastic bag.

What a find!  It was my Mimi's recipe trove that I have somehow been moving around with me ... unawares ... from house-to-house ... state-to-state ... for a whole lot of years.  As I sifted through the papers I realized those were copies of her old favorites ... rewritten in later years ... with a big bold Sharpie marker on lined paper ... so that her failing eyes could read them. 

In the boxes are hundreds of recipe cards .... most of them written by her own hand ... a collected outpouring of love from a woman who was my mentor in the art of making people feel valued, loved & special.

... and the book in the plastic bag is a copy of a Good Housekeeping cookbook copyright 1941 ... in mint condition ... must have been one of her favorites!

As I set there in the sunshine, memories flooded over me as I remembered this dish ... that cake ... a family occasion of some sort ... or a simple meal made memorable by her attention to detail ... and love for good food & pretty things.

It was like finding an atlas of favorite adventures ...  based on a loved one's journey ... just waiting for me to revisit ... and claim as my own.

Throughout the afternoon,  I found myself wandering back to the book... 

" A Spirit-inspired vision is less concerned with
practically moving someone in a good direction

and more concerned with them catching a glimpse of what could be."

What could be ... now there's something worth spending some time on ... at least that's what I have been trying to tell my friends ... in my own words and ways ...

It would be EASIER to want less for the people I care about, I know.
Good visions hurt.

But, easy ... that's just not my style. Not always sure if that's a good thing  ... especially when you hold the direct & honest cards ... as well ...

It got to be late in the day ... evening actually ... I had dropped Jessi off at the dance ... picked up some sushi & wine ... and settled in on the patio ... to enjoy the nice weather ... and spend a little bit of quiet time ...

My mind was still caught up in the unsolicited drama that had played out ... all week ... so I picked up the book again ... for one more look ... at the passage I had started earlier ...   

Having such a vision for someone, according to Crabb, is a form of spiritual warfare.  Final victory is guaranteed, but, along the way, temporary setbacks & serious defections create levels of anguish that reduce us to prayer."

Wow! That's exactly where I was on Wednesday nite ... with my Band of Gypsys ... discussing how we are always under attack ... at war ... that it's the context of everything.

Our small group is studing Waking The Dead by John Eldredge and here's what we discussed this week:

"Until we come to terms with war as the context of our days we will not understand life.  We will misinterpret 90 percent of what is happening around us and to us.  It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions towards us are life abundant;  it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are blowing it ..."

Sitting there on the patio ...  my burden was suddenly lightened.  It's so very cool how God does that.  He tells you something ... important ... then tells you again & again .... in a bunch of different ways ... just to be sure that you are "getting it"... if you are paying attention ...

Here's a little more from Eldredge:

"You won't understand your life, you won't see clearly what has happened to you or how to live forward from here unless you see it as a BATTLE.  A war against your heart.  And you are going to need your whole heart for what's coming next.  I don't mean what's coming next in the story I'm telling ... I mean what's coming next in the life you are living."

Have to laugh ... out loud.  I mean, really, do you think He could spell it out any clearer for me?!?!    And I love it when He explains it to me ... so simply & vividly ... and uses my VERY OWN words ... in the explanation.

By the time I called it a night ... there was a bit more stuff ... a little easier than some of that from earlier in the week, though ... or maybe I was just better equipped ... somehow ...

With an atlas full of treasured adventures waiting to be re-visited ... a roadmap that encompasses the soundtrack of my life the last few years ... and a ladybug GPS ... no doubt I am READY for whatever's coming next ...

Not to mention the fortune in my cookie that came with my sushi ...
GOOD NEWS IS ON IT'S WAY ...

... so here I am ... impatiently waiting patiently ... Amen.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011