Run, MJ! Run!

How well are you running the race?

That was the subject line on the first email in my inbox  ... the day after ... I came clean ... about my hamster wheel ... habit.

Honest. I don't make this stuff up.  And even though I had 8 viewers ... and 2 watchers ... my hamster wheel ... received 0 bids ... on ebay this week ... again.

Maybe I should just give it away ...

I think I'm doing ok ... in the race running ... that is.  De-cluttering.  That's my goal.  It has been for more than a few weeks ... this time.  Ever since I got that direct message:

You're holding on to too many things, MJ.

When my best friend speaks that plainly & directly, I always listen!  No.  It's not

E.F. Hutton ... it's God, Creator of the Universe.  And, granted, He isn't just talking about things in my garage ... in my house ... in the little room off the sunporch.

Starting to clear out my house ... is just easier ... than clearing out my heart.

You see it's not the fact that I am holding on to ... too many things .. that's the problem.  It's the ... holding on ... to too many things.

Letting go is very hard for me.  Maybe that's because I have spent my entire adult life trying to make someplace feel like home.  So I gather up things that I think should be important ... and meaningful ... and I keep carrying 'em along with me.  Whereever I go. 

Thinking surely ... those things ... will make this place ... or that place ... feel like ... home. 

From time to time ... it's almost worked ... for a year or so ... then reality sets in.  You'd think I would have figured it out ... long before now ... 

Things don't make a home. 

And even though I am totally committed to cleaning out ... de-cluttering ... ridding myself of things that are no longer necessary to me ... I falter.

I pick it up.  Spend a little too long remembering where it came from .. why I have it ... & analyzing why I thought it needed to be brought along ... this time ...

Determined & cynical in my old age ... I am getting pretty good at cutting the cord ...

to a lot of things.  There is always that moment of hesitation, though, when I realize that there is still some life left in it ... it's just hard to give up something ... that still has

a little bit of life.

So this go round ... I am striving to be more practical.  Telling myself that, yes, the object in question still has value & purpose ... it has something to offer ... to someone ...  

just not to me ... not anymore.

Hanging on to things ... that may ... or may not ... have a little life left ... has been sucking the life ... right out of me ... for a very long time.

Thinking about things ... always leads to thinking about people.

I tend to hang on ... a little too long ... to friendships that have run their course ... too.

And ... to be perfectly honest ... at times it's the idea of a relationship ... that never actually unfolds ... the way I think it might ... the way I want it to ... that I allow to occupy a little too much space in my heart.

Imaginary relationships ... with real live people ... hopefully building my house of cards on whims ... silly, silly me.

It's a game I play with myself ... it seems safer ... than playing for real ... playing games with my head ... to guard my heart ... and MJ loses ... every single time.

Pretty sure those make-believes are part of the "too many" things I am holding on to ....

Seriously ... you'd think those would be the easiest to put out on the curb ... cuz there's no life in pipe dreams & "what ifs" ...

But they're not.

And after months of silence, the little bear has suddenly become Chatty Cathy.  Cheering me along the race course, maybe. 

I have written about the talking little bear ... a couple of times before.  He's special. 

Unpredictable ... unexplainable ...

The possibility of it being a battery that's running down has long been put to rest.  If it takes over a year & a half for those batteries to ... lose their charge ... then I am thinking I want some more batteries from where those came from ...

Some days ... it's simply a random outburst ... maybe 2 or 3 times in a 24 hour span.  Other times, it's a frenzy of chatter ... clusters of messages ... running together ... separated by pauses of varying lengths ... conversation-like.

It seems that the little bear talks to me more at night.  Sometimes it's constant ... all through the night.  There's meaning to the rhythm and timing of the messages.

I am sure of it.

The little bear only knows one sentence.

I love you THIS much !

Powerful ... important words.

For now, I am choosing to believe ... each time the little bear speaks ... it's because someone important to me ... is thinking about me ... maybe even allowing a little

MJ make-believe to come alive in their own hearts ...

You see, I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one who plays that mind-tricking-the-heart game ... especially in the still of the night ...

The little bear does occasionally speak to me during the day ... like first thing in the morning ... or when I am working from the house ... or when I return from the

busyness of my day.

Just more often ... in the dark ... in the wee hours ...

And I wonder ... does the little bear speak ... when no one's around to hear ?!? 

Triggered magically by someone's heartfelt thought ... words hanging in the air of an empty house ... waiting for me to hear them ... in my own heart ... upon my return.

The whole thing reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode.  Little bear proclaims ... outloud ... the desire of MaryJane's heart.  A baby-monitor ... of sorts ... channeling messages from a real live person in an imaginary relationship ... a fairy tale she is about to put

out-on-the-curb ... letting go ... before it's time ...

... ok, so maybe there's a little bit of life left in that one ... 

It's a great story.  And I will tell it ... when I am sure

what it all means ...

Home is where your heart is ... open your heart ...

find your home ...

Run, MJ! Run!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c)september 2011