Run, MJ! Run!

How well are you running the race?

That was the subject line on the first email in my inbox  ... the day after ... I came clean ... about my hamster wheel ... habit.

Honest. I don't make this stuff up.  And even though I had 8 viewers ... and 2 watchers ... my hamster wheel ... received 0 bids ... on ebay this week ... again.

Maybe I should just give it away ...

I think I'm doing ok ... in the race running ... that is.  De-cluttering.  That's my goal.  It has been for more than a few weeks ... this time.  Ever since I got that direct message:

You're holding on to too many things, MJ.

When my best friend speaks that plainly & directly, I always listen!  No.  It's not

E.F. Hutton ... it's God, Creator of the Universe.  And, granted, He isn't just talking about things in my garage ... in my house ... in the little room off the sunporch.

Starting to clear out my house ... is just easier ... than clearing out my heart.

You see it's not the fact that I am holding on to ... too many things .. that's the problem.  It's the ... holding on ... to too many things.

Letting go is very hard for me.  Maybe that's because I have spent my entire adult life trying to make someplace feel like home.  So I gather up things that I think should be important ... and meaningful ... and I keep carrying 'em along with me.  Whereever I go. 

Thinking surely ... those things ... will make this place ... or that place ... feel like ... home. 

From time to time ... it's almost worked ... for a year or so ... then reality sets in.  You'd think I would have figured it out ... long before now ... 

Things don't make a home. 

And even though I am totally committed to cleaning out ... de-cluttering ... ridding myself of things that are no longer necessary to me ... I falter.

I pick it up.  Spend a little too long remembering where it came from .. why I have it ... & analyzing why I thought it needed to be brought along ... this time ...

Determined & cynical in my old age ... I am getting pretty good at cutting the cord ...

to a lot of things.  There is always that moment of hesitation, though, when I realize that there is still some life left in it ... it's just hard to give up something ... that still has

a little bit of life.

So this go round ... I am striving to be more practical.  Telling myself that, yes, the object in question still has value & purpose ... it has something to offer ... to someone ...  

just not to me ... not anymore.

Hanging on to things ... that may ... or may not ... have a little life left ... has been sucking the life ... right out of me ... for a very long time.

Thinking about things ... always leads to thinking about people.

I tend to hang on ... a little too long ... to friendships that have run their course ... too.

And ... to be perfectly honest ... at times it's the idea of a relationship ... that never actually unfolds ... the way I think it might ... the way I want it to ... that I allow to occupy a little too much space in my heart.

Imaginary relationships ... with real live people ... hopefully building my house of cards on whims ... silly, silly me.

It's a game I play with myself ... it seems safer ... than playing for real ... playing games with my head ... to guard my heart ... and MJ loses ... every single time.

Pretty sure those make-believes are part of the "too many" things I am holding on to ....

Seriously ... you'd think those would be the easiest to put out on the curb ... cuz there's no life in pipe dreams & "what ifs" ...

But they're not.

And after months of silence, the little bear has suddenly become Chatty Cathy.  Cheering me along the race course, maybe. 

I have written about the talking little bear ... a couple of times before.  He's special. 

Unpredictable ... unexplainable ...

The possibility of it being a battery that's running down has long been put to rest.  If it takes over a year & a half for those batteries to ... lose their charge ... then I am thinking I want some more batteries from where those came from ...

Some days ... it's simply a random outburst ... maybe 2 or 3 times in a 24 hour span.  Other times, it's a frenzy of chatter ... clusters of messages ... running together ... separated by pauses of varying lengths ... conversation-like.

It seems that the little bear talks to me more at night.  Sometimes it's constant ... all through the night.  There's meaning to the rhythm and timing of the messages.

I am sure of it.

The little bear only knows one sentence.

I love you THIS much !

Powerful ... important words.

For now, I am choosing to believe ... each time the little bear speaks ... it's because someone important to me ... is thinking about me ... maybe even allowing a little

MJ make-believe to come alive in their own hearts ...

You see, I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one who plays that mind-tricking-the-heart game ... especially in the still of the night ...

The little bear does occasionally speak to me during the day ... like first thing in the morning ... or when I am working from the house ... or when I return from the

busyness of my day.

Just more often ... in the dark ... in the wee hours ...

And I wonder ... does the little bear speak ... when no one's around to hear ?!? 

Triggered magically by someone's heartfelt thought ... words hanging in the air of an empty house ... waiting for me to hear them ... in my own heart ... upon my return.

The whole thing reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode.  Little bear proclaims ... outloud ... the desire of MaryJane's heart.  A baby-monitor ... of sorts ... channeling messages from a real live person in an imaginary relationship ... a fairy tale she is about to put

out-on-the-curb ... letting go ... before it's time ...

... ok, so maybe there's a little bit of life left in that one ... 

It's a great story.  And I will tell it ... when I am sure

what it all means ...

Home is where your heart is ... open your heart ...

find your home ...

Run, MJ! Run!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c)september 2011

Mo' Deeper

It has come to my attention recently ... that ... I am nothing but a ... poser.

Yep.  A "Wanna-be" ... that's me ... for real.

... pretending to be living the life I want to be living ... when actually ... it's simply on hold.

A month or so ago, I decided to declutter my house ... and my life.  It's not the first time that I have had the notion to do that ... and I am sure it won't be the last.  What's important is that a little progress is made each time.

So, this time I decided that I was going to sell all of the random stuff I have hanging around on ebay.  At least one item a day is to be listed ... on average ... some days a whole bunch ... other days not.

It's been fun so far ... and so amazing what people actually buy!

One of the first unnecessary things I discovered was the cute little hamster wheel.  It sat in my office ... the last "real" office I had ... taunting me ... reminding me of the life that I wanted to be living ... full of adventure ... spontaneity ... fun.

Hamster wheel races ... if there was ever such an event ... I'd be a gold medalist.   Why, I 'd probably set a world's record for the fastest pace ... while racing my heart out ... to nowhere.

Figured I didn't need that hamster wheel anymore. I had deliberately taken that the first step ... and walked away from the routine and mundane ... when I cleared out that office.

The hamster wheel.

It's been hanging out in the garage in a box of stuff from my old office ... that I have just now ... unpacked ... after a couple of years or so.

It was the very first item I listed on ebay.  I was sure it would be one of those things that would sell quickly.  Bargain priced it, after all.  And technically, it's never been used ...  only in a figurative fashion.

Metaphorically.

It didn't sell.  Not the first time ... or any of the other three times I've put it out there.  Imagine that.

And that's when I realized that ... I was pretending ... to be living the life I want to be living ... when actually I am still hanging out ... there ... stuck ... in the hamster wheel.

Sure, the view's a little different ... from time to time.  I keep moving the little wheel around ... then run in place ... as if I am getting somewhere. 

Truth is, I am really not ... getting anywhere.

... and I wonder ... is it better to be Avis, the second sled dog back ... with a never-changing view but covering ground ... actually going somewhere?  Or to be the independent hamster ... in the stationery wheel ... with view changes based on random mobility ... heart pumping & legs racing ... yet still never getting anywhere?

A friend from my once-upon-a-time past posted a message to me on Facebook yesterday.  Spunky ... outspoken ... always moving in a rhythm uniquely her own ... here's what she wrote:

I've been active lately with a Chimpanzee Sanctuary, and I dreamed last night that you were bitten by a monkey. Could've been the pre-sleep vodka, but I feel I'd be kinda irresponsible not to warn you. Beware of unusual monkey behavior for the next couple of days.  Bwahahaha. The dream part is actually true.

 It was so like her ... and it made me smile!

All of the different monkey dream interpretations wrap around the idea that you shouldn't take life too seriously.  One says if you are a woman, dreaming of a monkey has something to do with a large, handsome man in your life.  She has never taken life too seriously ... and that man ... well, he found her a few years back ...

No surprises there. 

Still since I was the one who got BIT by the monkey in her dream ... seemed like a good idea to see what that means ...

Being bitten in a dream brings to a close emotions and fears about vulnerability from something threatening or unresolved. The trigger event is signified by what is doing the biting.

I had a vivid dream of my own ...  that very same night ... it involved bleeding ... but not from a monkey bite ... here's what I discovered about it:

Your dream indicates that you are releasing your pent-up tension and worry. It signals an end to the difficult times and the beginning of relaxation.

Do the math.  1 + 1 = 2

The little bear has been speaking ... randomly ... & often this weekend: I love you THIS much ... the message never changes ... just the frequency.

I went to find this photo ... it used to be the wallpaper on my computer ... at work ... in the same office ... where the hamster wheel taunted me ... it taunted me, too.

Hamsters gone wild ... now that's the life I want to be living!

... gotta run ... putting that hamster wheel out there ... again ... because, you see, I HAVE witnessed a preponderence of unusual monkey behavior ... recently ...

It's a call to action ...

Take down the walls ... change the scenery ... move forward instead of running in place  ...

It's time to step out ...  to be done talking about the adventure ... time to start living it ...

No. More. Hamster Wheel.

Not sure where I am going ... not in a hurry to get there ... it's the journey that matters ... after all ... not the destination.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) September 2011