Sitting on the porch ... drinking coffee ... and I realize that I am tired ...
all-the-way-to-the-bone exhausted. It's not really surprising, I guess ... with all of the busyness of the last few months ... still, somehow, it snuck up on me ...
So here I sit ... staring at the four sliding screen doors ... that are either stuck in their runners ... or have fallen completely off-track ... propped up or laying on the ground. A couple of them have been that way since the end of last summer.
And I am thinking ... what is it that I have been doing ... that's so much more important than taking care of these things ... at my house ?!?!
Seriously. Yesterday the front storm door's flapping finally unhinged me! Three minutes ... and a phillips head screw driver ... and I had that puppy handled. No big deal. So why did it take so long for me to take the three minutes ... to put an end to the annoyance ?!?
It's like all that carpet I ripped out last fall ... the upstairs ... has bare naked floors ... plain wood ...
... and I think ... one of these days .. I will get back to that.
And I know I will. When I am ready.
So what's up with that?!?! Why aren't I ready?!?
Maybe it's because this house ... really doesn't feel like home to me. I wish it did ... but it doesn't.
And that's really sad, because the spaces of the house are ideally suited to me... big kitchen ... fireplace ... porch ... living room large enough for the piano ... plenty of room for Jessi ... plenty of room for whoever I want to make plenty of room for ...
It was a fixer-up-er when we bought it ... that was the plan ... fix it up, make it our own ... it was going to be home. That never happened. And now, I know that I need to get on with the fixin' it up so that I can get on with the moving on ...
... with finding my home
It's time ... I know. Still I stall. Out of fear? Uncertainty? I'm not really sure ... I know that as long as I put off doing what needs to be done ... it's impossible for me to make a move ...
This morning, I am thinking ... that maybe I should get those doors back on their tracks ... start focusing on getting ready ... so that whenever what's coming next ... finally reveals itself ... I am not held back ...
Maybe what's coming next is actually being held up ... because of my lack of preparedness ...
Maybe I am impatiently waiting patiently ... for something to happen ... and the only thing standing in the way of me ... and the life I want to be living ... is ME.
My heart knows that change is coming. Actually, change has been banging on the doors for quite some time. Maybe that's how they have all found themselves offtrack ... unhinged ... demanding that I pay attention to the absence ... of doors.
Damaged doors ... forced open ... by the demands of change.
Doors open. People come in. Doors open. People go out.
A fat robin hops through the damp grass ... with big ole worm dangling from it's beak. And my rabbit is frisking about ... I smile.
It occurs to me ... again ... that all of my doors are ... well ... wide open.
www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) May 2011
I think life can be so overwhelming at times. Maybe it is the "time of life" because I feel the exact same way... things left undone that I can not seem to get accomplished. Many days I feel like I am simply spinning my wheels in the sand.
ReplyDeleteFor you... it sounds like downsizing and awesome is better than roomy and unfinished. I hope you put your mind to getting it all done and move to wherever will feel like home to you! Change can be awesome and refreshing and life-giving.
You can do it!