Courage

"Courage.

That's what I've always admired about you, Mary Jane.

Your courage."

Immediately an image popped in my head of Bert Lahr in THE WIZARD OF OZ  as the Cowardly Lion saying, "What have they got that I ain't got?!?!"

And his friends respond loudly...COURAGE!

That observation was offered up by a friend over lunch earlier in the week.  We hadn't seen each other in months.  There had been lots of changes in both of our lives.  Our visit was positive, fun, and filled with a genuine shared excitement over the new directions we were both taking since last we met.  Lots of laughter & smiles!

Courage.  Whatever.  My face showed total astonishment & disbelief at her view of me.    And I was thinking, does she really think that sending my lunch back because I found a hair in my plate took courage?!?! 

Seriously, I am not brave.

 Yes, MJ, you are.  You face life with honesty & hope.  You don't let the bumps & scrapes slow you down....and when the bigger hurts come you embrace them....you live through the pain....and grow from the experiences....and then you share your stories with openess & genuineness....you are an encouragement & inspiration to many, many people....you touch lives you don't even know you are touching...

That's what she said....or something fairly close to that....and if I got it wrong, she promises to post a retraction!

It was very cool to hear that on that specific day.  It had been a tough morning. 

Sometimes when I post a blog....I get no real feedback.  Othertimes, I get some nice touches about how well I write or thanks for sharing that.  On occasion, though, I write about something that seems to hit targets all over the place....you know a scattershot.....with no aim.....finding a dozen or so bullseyes....

That seemed to be the case when I posted my last blog on Transition.

Several of my friends were SURE that it was them that I was referring to in the blog....and it was none of them...the friend I had the actual conversation with knew I was writing about it.  It was amazing to me how many said that it was one of the most hard-hitting, direct messages I had ever posted.....it seems that me and a great many of my friends share similar stories...

....actually, I already knew that....

Transition was about me....it wasn't about anyone else....yes,  one friend shared something from their own story with me that resonated deeply....and caused me to see myself more clearly.  And that the choices I had been making weren't really the best ones for me.  My friends had been telling me that very bluntly & directly for a long time....I just didn't want to hear them....or accept the truth.

There was something said in the conversation that validated the decision I had made a couple of weeks earlier based on a conversation with another friend about unresolved relationships....

And for the record....we all have unresolved relationships....every single one of us....so there's nothing too revealing about the fact that a friend told me so about themselves.  Unresolved relationships come in many, many forms....lost friends....co-workers who shared everyday together until one leaves and is simply not there anymore....family members who estrange themselves for years over things that no one really remembers later....important relationships that sort of fade out but are never properly ended....

There's a whole bevy of professional counselors preaching "closure" who make a very lucrative livelihood on the common sense knowledge that all of our lives are filled with unresolved relationships that impact every thing we do....every decision we make....until we acknowledge them....live through the pain....and let them go....

There's a new song out by Kris Allen, "The Truth" that says: 

"Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now"

and

"Stop pretending it's not ending...let the end begin"

That's what I was writing about....me....being honest with myself....letting the end begin.... the way I had been fooling myself....holding myself back....putting my life on pause while I waited for the remote possibility that all of the planets would align....and I would finally get what I thought I wanted....

I was laying it out there for all to see....how silly I had been....how I was guilty of seeing only what I wanted to see instead of what was really real....it was actually a little scary to reveal that I was honestly so confused & mixed up when everyone thinks I have it all together so much of the time....

....and then no one thought I was talking about me....they thought I was talking about them....

ha ha....that isn't even funny....on any level....

That conversation...the one I referred to in the Transition post.... made me take a hard look at myself.... to admit that I had been shutting my eyes to the reality of a situation...and gave me the courage to do what I had known I needed to do....had been trying half-heartedly to do....for months & months.

I feel really, really dumb.  Humiliated.  And more than a little upset with myself for being such an idiot....when I know I am smarter than that....and that I deserve better.

So, yes, I finally found the courage....but it wasn't from within....that courage came from a friend.

God has blessed me with amazing friends.  When I mention "a friend" here....it is never to expose them...or hurt them....or provide commentary on their lives.  I write about MY life lessons....things I am learning as I wander around in my own story.  And when my friends say things or do things that encourage me, motivate me or provide clarity to things that have been confusing or troublesome to me....I share those things....not so much THEIR stories but how their interaction has changed ME.

It's really no surprise that me & so many of my friends share similar stories....it's really very simple....it's just life....each story unfolding at its own pace....characters are all different but the storylines are all the same....somehow I think the Author of the Universe planned it that way on purpose....

I do share openly about my life and my struggles and the lessons I am learning.  And sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing. 

Then someone says to me....wow....you have no idea how much that meant to me....helped me....changed my view on things....gave me the encouragement I needed to do what I needed to do....

....and then there is a nudge....or a whisper....an AttaGirl, MJ....

....letting me know that it is a good thing....after all.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) mary jane sawyer, May 2010