Forgiving ...

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthday.  She has been getting messages ... mixed signals ... for days ... maybe even weeks or months ... about what's coming next ... in her life ...

Just one word.  Possibilities.  Simple enough.  A little scary, maybe ... but very, very cool!

I've been getting a bunch of messages, too ... since my birthday in July ... the BEST birthday I've had in too many years to count ...about what's coming next ... in my life ...

In a word, Forgiveness.

*Sigh* Not so simple.  Why do I always get the IMPOSSIBLE tasks?!?!

Maybe it's because I dream big ... and wish for the things that involve magic & miracles ...

A great message was presented on Sunday by a guest speaker.  He says he doesn't "preach" any more ... he simply speaks ... or maybe he speaks simply ... either way ... it went a long way to helping me figure out how to bring closure to some things ...

Hurt really does hurt ... that's what he said.

Of course, I know that ... I just never wanted to say it outloud.  Nope. I'd rather try to shove the hurt way down deep inside ... pretending that it's not there ... because I simply don't want to hurt ... don't want to let anyone know they have hurt me ... or that  I am hurting ... I am too tough & strong ... to be hurt ...

... you don't have the power to hurt me ...

Yeah, right.  Whatever.

Many of the things I am going to say about what forgiveness IS and ISN'T were shared with us on Sunday ... they resonated deeply with me ...

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting.  It's NOT pretending something didn't happen.

One of the deepest wounds in my heart dates back to my pre-teen years.  It's one that has held me back & impacted every important relationship in my life.  Only recently have I been willing ... and possibly able ... to scrape all of the scar tissue off of it and examine it ... closely.  

It's amazing to me that it has taken me two lifetimes to get here. 

There is a "new" friend in my life who was actually the catalyst for the acceptance of this hurt ... the realization that it was caused by someone else's insecurity & feelings of inadequancy ... and I should have never accepted it as my own.

Thank you  ... for simply being you ... WHO you are ... & choosing to be my friend ... acting as if  it was ME that was somehow bringing something special to YOUR life ...

That opened the door a crack ... allowing me to see it all so clearly.

... and you don't even know you did that ... for me ...

The door is wide open now ... and the view outside is amazing!

Forgiving is NOT justifying.  I always want to over-think everything ... to understand why someone did what they did or said what they said. 

Understanding WHY really doesn't make it OK.

An important friend hurt me deeply a few years ago ... he had been there for me as I made a couple of the hardest decision of my life ... he shared my pain as I cried & ranted & prayed ... if anyone had ever suggested that he wouldn't always be there for me I would have scoffed at the thought of it ...

... there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me ... yet he denied me three times ... before the cock crowed ... without even blinking an eye ...

There really aren't any words to describe the devastation that I felt as he coldly removed me from his life...without ever talking about it ...

Sure, I know what happened.  And I accept full responsibility for my part in what took place that set that domino-effect into motion.  If I had it to do over, there's really nothing I would have said or done differently. 

Maybe he honestly feels the same way.  It doesn't really matter now.

And even though I knew why he did what he did at the time ... it doesn't mean that I will ever understand it.

I forgave him almost immediately.  Still it didn't fix things or take away any of the hurt.  And even though we have managed to re-establish a friendship now .. now that things have changed ...

It still hurts from time-to-time.

He says often ... "You HAVE to understand why ..."  But I don't.  I don't "have to" ... understand.

He's not the only one that's used that argument on me recently.  It makes me angry when people do that.  Try to place the burden of responsibility on everyone else ... on me ... because they are hurting somehow ... and don't know how to fix it ... or aren't willing to examine their hurts ... their hearts ...  and offer the forgiveness that will free them.

It's hard, I know.  But heck, if I am willing to do it ... then they should do it, too.  It's only fair ... and life is always fair ... right?!?

Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation or trust.  Forgiveness means you have come to terms with that person &
what they've done to you.  It doesn't mean you have to trust them in the same way again. 

Yesterday was one of my best friends' birthdays.  She is moving into the new year of her life with hope & expectation ... embracing the possibilities ...

Me, too.

Last nite I spent the evening with some of my favorite people.  We laughed & shared little bits of our lives.  It was fun where we were ... because we were there together. 

And my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... He showed up, too.

Actually, He had been hanging out with me all day ... even though He was being really quiet so I wouldn't know He was there ... watching me as I realized that the unraveling of things wasn't a negative after all ...

Sometimes you have to unravel the tangled up mess in order to have a fresh start ...

First there was the early morning phone call.  Forgiveness.  It was hanging in the air.  I even said to myself afterwards how great it felt to know that I was finally forgiving that lifelong, life-altering hurt ... knowing that THAT person who truly loves me better than life never even realized what they had done all those years ago ... knowing that it was never intentional ... it was just one of life's hurts.

Then came the intense, heart wrenching conversation over lunch.  I knew God was sitting there ... though .. with me.  He had His hand on my shoulder ... whispering in my ear ... forgive, MJ ... that's all you have to do ... I will take care of the rest ... he's almost there ...

That's ALL I have to do ?!?

So the day ended in the company of people who love me.  And as we wandered into the situation of the evening ... late ... finding our seats ... it was just too funny.  By the time we all settled in, everyone at our table was giggling ...

I chose to avoid the back-to-back position ... only to discover that it was eyeball-to-eyeball instead.  Yep.  Direct eye contact throughout dinner with a stranger at the next table.

Unraveling ... the tangled up mess had stopped tangling up my heart ... sometime ago ... I just didn't know it ... until last nite ... when the lights came up and I realized that the stranger was really not a stranger at all.

A life covered in prayer is less likely to unravel.  That's the gift she gave me when my world was falling apart ... a message of hope & encouragement that continues to speak to me daily ... even as she pulled the rug completely out from under my feet.

Forgiveness.  It's a chance.  It's recognizing the hurt.  It's showing mercy.  It's living free of bitterness. It's taking responsibility for your own life. 

By the end of the evening, God simply couldn't contain Himself.  He had the perfect punchline ... ready & waiting for me. 

Guess I should have seen it coming ...

The seating arrangements ... how in the world did you let that happen?  I asked my friend who organized the event.  She was clueless.  What?!?!  So I explained it to her with a laugh ...

I wanted to know if it had been deliberate ... somehow.  In the end, she said no it wasn't.

But it was.  Deliberate.  Just not on her part.

I know for sure that it was because when I asked the question ... her immediate, unconcious response was simply one word.

Forgiveness. 

Yep. That's what she said.

"Forgiveness, MJ.  That's the message.  Don't you get it?!?!"

We were both stunned and amazed at her spontaneous outburst. And His laughter & love filled the empty gymnasium. 

As always, the joke was on me ... and God had the last laugh.

... you see, forgiving isn't about healing the other person's hurts ... it's about allowing our hurts to heal ...

Getting hurt ... forgiving ... it changes us ... sometimes for the better ...
Choosing happy.  That's been my focus for a couple of years now.  And yesterday, on one of my best friends' birthday I gave the greatest gift  ... ever ... to myself ...

Forgiveness.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer

Plans ...

Remember when we were young ... hanging out with friends ... doing whatever young people do.  For us, back in the day when there were only three network channels on the television ... no computers ... no video games ... no cell phones ... faced with a whole day with nothing but our imagination to guide us ... we would take a walk ... go to the mall ... congregate in the McDonald's parking lot ...

... and try to figure out what to do next ... that would be fun & interesting.

Not much has changed ... well, except for all of the distractions ... and the locations ...

We still spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to do next ... that will be fun & interesting ... and we talk it over with our friends ...

Anyway, we would spend all day out in the neighborhood & decide that the best plan was for everyone to sleep over at one house or another ... an all-nighter of a-plottn' & a-plannin' ...

At home, though, our parents had "other" plans ... for us.  So in the end ... we would do what they had planned instead of what we cooked up on our own.

You know, that's one of the reasons we have parents ... to teach us important lessons ... early on ... so that we don't get crossed up later in life.

The lesson here was simple: Don't make plans without checking them out at home first.

Lesson learned ... NOT!

Somehow we don't seem to learn some of those lessons ... the first time ... the second time ... the one-hundred-millionth time ...

Last week I had a great visit with a friend that I haven't seen in quite sometime ... think it might have even been a year ... time sure does fly ... when you're ... busy.

She said, "Last time we talked you were launching your consulting company ... tell me what's you've been doing the past year."

My jaw dropped.  I just stared at her.  Then I said, "You REALLY want to know what I've been doing for the past year?!?!" 

Amazing. Truth is, I know that she really DID want to know all about it.  *sigh*

Where to start.

A year or so ago ... I embarked on a new adventure.  I had given it a lot of thought.  I had prayed about it.  And I had plan.  I even wrote it down.

And I started working that plan ... and it was working!

Then God said, "Hey, MJ!  Go over there. Do that. I know you have a plan but, guess what?!?!  I have OTHER plans for you!"

You see, even though I had checked with Him when I started down the new path ... I got so caught up in the journey that I forgot to check with Him along the way.  Of course, once He pointed out that "detour" sign over there, I knew there was no doubt that I was going to take it.

That's one lesson I HAVE learned ... that whatever God has planned for me is going to be far more amazing than anything I could ever dream up on my own ... even with the help of my friends!

So for about an hour, I caught her up on all that had been going on with me.  The conversation was peppered with ... oh, and this happened ... yeah, well, that's another story ... still she got the overview ... the big picture ...

Then it was her turn.  She began to share what was going on with her.  She had been making progress, too. 

And, yep, she had made a plan!

Hers was a story of an amazing few days she spent in dialogue with her best friend, God.  She shared what was in her heart & asked for His direction. 

He didn't let her down.

At the end of her sojourn, she had a plan ... a written plan ... with His fingerprints all over it.

She shared it with others who are close to her.  And then she started putting it into play.  And things were coming along nicely.  Maybe a little slower than she would have liked ... we are always in such a hurry to get where we are going ... after all ...

God is never in a hurry.

Then life started getting in the way ... of her plan ... she had roadblocks ... distractions ... maybe even a setback or two.  I am not sure because she was giving me the Reader's Digest version, too. 

Still, somehow, things weren't going ... according to HER plan ...

Imagine that!

So she has had to go back ... to regroup ... to say, "Hey, God, I told you what I wanted to do & you said sure go ahead ... so why the delay?!?!"

... and God is shaking  His head ... at her ... at me ... and He is smiling ...the "original" smile that lights up the universe ...

*sigh* ... smiles that light up the universe ... another lesson learned ... another story ...

Sure.  He LIKES our plans.  He even inspired the crafting of them. 

But no matter how hard we try ... or how many times we ask Him ... there's simply no way that we can get it just right ... without any changes ... life doesn't work that way.

We make our plans ... go about our business ... making the choices that need to be made ... to move forward. 

Heck, we can even make GOOD choices ... the RIGHT choices ... and, still, things don't turn out the way we planned.

That's because life always involves other people.  It's all about relationships.  And those other people ... they have plans, too.  And they also get to make their own choices. 

And not everyone checks in to see if their plans are lined up with His plans.

So there we are ... traveling down our road ... with our compass & our map ... our plan securely in place ... when suddenly we encounter a scarecrow ... or a lion ... or a tin man ...

That wasn't really part of our plan ... it wasn't really part of their plans, either ...

And next thing you know ... our plans ... collide with their plans ... and that's when His plan begins to unfold ...

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010

Effortless ...

The word popped up in a conversation with an old friend last Sunday ... while we were discussing how it was that we were worshiping in the same church ... on that day ... it isn't often that we do that anymore ...

... it used be to routine.

Taking a break. Resting. Recharging.  That's what he was doing.  Spending a little time with himself.  And God. 

It's funny.  People think that people who pour it out ... day-after-day ... week-after-week ... do what they do ... touching lives ... making a difference ... by giving of themselves ...they do it ... and it's effortless.

That's what he said.  And we both laughed.  A little.  Because, well, we know better.

So I've been pondering "effortless".

Lots of my friends are in transition right now.  And I guess I am, too. 

Stalled.  Impatiently waiting patiently.  That's where I am right now.  I quit worrying over it ... trying to take control ... fix it ... recently ... which is really not like me ... usually I am do-it-if-it's-wrong kinda gal ... you know, making things happen.

This time it isn't working that way ... not for me.  It's been wasted effort.

One friend told me ... and God ... that she guessed she needed a burning bush ... so there would be no doubt of what she was supposed to be doing now ... next ... she'd been trying so hard ... to move in the direction she thought she should be going.  Truth is, it was the direction she WANTED to be going. 

God has other plans.  Effortless ones.

And late yesterday, in the midst of the pouring rain, I received a text that simply said "I got a burning bush!"

How cool is that?!?  A burning bush in the midst of the storm.

A new leaf.  That was another message ... from another friend ... who is struggling to make sense of it all.

Effortless.  It's all so simple.  Really it is.  So why do we make it so hard?  Trying to do it our way ... as if, we even have a clue.

Earlier this week I had dinner with my friend who has always been like a sister to me ... who is now married to my brother ... guess that makes us "family" all the way around ... legally and in the heart ...

She is so special. 

Growing up, I wanted to be just like her.  Beautiful ... bold ... bright ... intelligent ... fun ... confident ... there wasn't anything she couldn't do ... at least that's the way it looked to me.

When she got those  brown wooden Candies  ... with the three straps ... I had to have some, too.  Remember, we wore them all year-round ... feet bare in the warm weather & with our bright colored socks in the cooler times.  LOL.

And when she took the road less traveled and chose French over Spanish in high school .... I knew that was exactly what I was going to do as well.

In junior high she had a boyfriend.  They wrote notes and talked on the phone.  She called him "botchulism".  She smiled when she said it ... and once again, she was leading the way as we came of age ... discovering who we were and who we weren't.  I wanted to feel that way about some boy ... someday.

She has always done the good stuff first. Showing me ... how easy it was ... effortlessly.

Like being independent .  She's been an entrepreneur from the git-go ... it took me years to get there ... here ...

And finding happiness.  Once again, she is blazing the trail.  After waiting a lifetime, she has found her way into the arms of her best friend ... and they both have found their passion there.  It seems so simple now ...

I want that, too.  To feel that way.  Safe & secure.  Traveling through the rest of my life with my best friend, lover & adventure partner.

She has always made each transition appear effortless ... to me.  Even though I know that it really hasn't been easy ... a lot of the time.

So we had dinner with our mothers.  Then we chatted & caught up ... just the two of us. 

She asked questions & made some comments about the different things in my blogs.  She said she loves reading what I write.  That made me smile. 

The she said the most amazing thing ... she said she looks forward to each new post ... that what I have to say always lifts her spirits.

... and there's no one in the world whose spirits I would rather raise ... right now ...

And God laughs ... outloud ... aren't you reading those messages I am sending you about "work" and  "passion"!?!  Aren't you seeing all of the signs pointing you in the direction you need to go, MJ?!?  Put the map away ... turn off the GPS ... quit trying to figure out the shortest distance from here ... to what's coming next ...

Put the top down ... shift gears ... push the pedal ... move ... forward ... accelerate ... LIVE!

You lift my spirits.  That's what she said.

I had no idea. It's just what I do. Write what I write. Share a little piece of my heart.

Effortless. 

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Mary Jane Sawyer, 2010