It was mid-morning....this morning. The rain that came in the middle of the nite had stopped. The sun wasn't really shining.....cloudy....overcast....a great day for overthinking....
I had been struggling with that all morning. The overthinking thing. I knew if I stayed busy I could stay one step ahead of that place I really didn't want to go....the one that was beckoning me....teasing me....
The voices. C'mon, MJ. Sit down in the mud....let's make some mudpies....you KNOW you like it here....
NOT!
My TO DO list is long....lots of good stuff happening this week....lots of activity to be found there....get moving....that's what I told myself....
Still...it was easy to sit .....staring mindlessly out the window....just one more cup of coffee....then I will get with it....get busy....
A beautiful bird was moseying around the edge of the patio. And then I saw it....poised in anticipation....ears up in an alert position....smack dab in the center of the backyard.....
A brown rabbit with a perfect white tail.
After a few minutes of total stillness....he hopped around as if he had a purpose....but honestly, I couldn't see any rhyme or reason to his frolic. And I thought....
Hmmm.....I have NEVER seen a rabbit in our back yard....not here.....
I sipped my coffee....I smiled.....then I chuckled a bit at what Pete the Mighty Dog would have thought of that....he would have been all over it....no doubt....
And then I thought....wonder if Pete was friends with that rabbit? What if that's what all of the pausing....hopping to & fro....looking around expectantly....was all about?
To lure Pete out to play.....hide-n-seek....this morning....
Yep. Chasing rabbits. He would have loved that.
So there I was imagining Pete....chasing the rabbit.....& all the while the rabbit was playing gayly in the wet grass....
I began to think about all the changes in my life over the last few months.....it's funny how life goes.....you reach a level place where you feel safe & comfortable....and you rest there for awhile...
Sometimes I think, ok, this isn't so bad.....it will really be alright if this all there is....but deep inside I know it's not....not really ok....that there is so much more....and I really hope that I find my way back to me.....
And then I started replaying the week....it's been a very good week....things are starting to make sense...to fall into place....& for the first time in a long time, it's becoming easy to believe that the life I want to be living might even be within my reach.....
So why did I wake up this morning....overwhelmed with those thoughts.....the need to take apart & look at those things that are confusing to me....heck, I know that every single time I do that....I get the pieces all jumbled up & then I never get it put back together exactly right....then it's all messed up....in my head....
Seriously, if it ain't broke, MJ....
I asked myself....what is so important that you have to turn it inside out this morning?
Nothing is ever as it seems....& I was reminded of a friend who tells me often that at least 96% of the time I have no clue what they are really thinking....
And I realized....chasing a rabbit....or a C-130....through the yard was a great pastime for Pete....
But not for me.
And mudpies don't look anything like italian cream cake....or angel food cake....seiously....no one would smile if I stopped by with a mudpie that I made especially for them....I don't think so....
The sun peeked out....
I focused on my To Do list for a bit....checked off a thing or two....
Out of nowhere a validation arrived that one of those things I was totally prepared to overthink was....well, it wasn't what I was thinking...at all....
Imagine that.
The rabbit has played all day in the yard. Pete has spent the day with me....in spirit....
And I am looking ahead....to next week....and the next week.....with confidence....with hope....and, yes, with anticipation.....
Life is good.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Ordinary Days....
Ordinary days are full of stories. Truth is, that's where the REAL stories of life are found....ordinary days.
I have had a really good week. A string of days with good things happening....simply. Friends keep asking me, "so what happened to make it such a good day?"
And the answer is nothing really....just everything.
It's been a long time coming for me....and I am wondering if this is a glimpse of what HAPPY feels like....
Early in the week two of my friends weighed in on my restlessness.
One is a fairly new friend....that wandered into my life accidently several months ago....& continues to surprise me when he says things so casually that tell me he really & truly "gets" me....
Yep. That's where the whole plate spinning dialogue started. He pointed out that plate spinning was somewhat of a lost art....and possibly a not-so-productive use of my time & talents.
Okay, that's not exactly what he said....he is actually very careful with his words....and I am learning that it's always worth the wait to hear what's on his mind.
And it was his comment about "breaking plates" that caused me to step back and look at things from a different perspective.
A few more walls came down....the door was opened a little wider....
And I was able to see the possibilities that have been unfolding all around me for quite some time...instead of the taunting empty poles waiting for plates to start spinning....
Later that same day I got to spend some time with a friend who has probably been a part of my life longer than anyone....except for my family.
Who am I kidding?!?! He IS family! He knows personally almost every skeleton in my closet....and he knows where most of the bodies are buried.
He met me accidently in a school hallway back in my "invisible" days of high school....I was certain that I was unnoticeable & insignificant....
Yet he recognized me instantly from a picture that his buddy had carried around in his wallet for close to two years of the "most beautiful girl in the world"...
He has been there for most every important moment....disappointment....setback..,.victory.... & accomplishment....since I was fifteen....and he has never, ever failed to make me feel special....worthy....significant....
(Of course, I don't believe anyone ever shows up in my life "accidently"....not a big believer in coincidences...ever.)
So on this day earlier in the week, we met to discuss possibilities & life. Much like the fine cigars he loves so much, he took his time....savoring the experience....& we talked about all of the nuances of spinning plates.
He is quite an accomplished plate spinner in his own right. Stories were swapped of very fine plates we had known along the way....nostalgic, it was....a little wistfulness was shared over the plates that shattered due to our lack of timing or imperfect technique at times....we laughed over the pieces we had picked up or left on the floor... along the way of our lifes...
Then he, too, cut to the chase. Because there is really no one who knows me better....my strengths....what motivates me...how I am wired....and where my uncertainties & hesitations come from at times....
Pick out a few plates, MJ, and focus on them. Plate spinning has become obsolete. Take a look at the patterns & choose a few that compliment each other....just like you do with your friends....and then set a nice table....leave the plate spinning to the young & inexperienced....that's what he said.
Okay, that isn't exactly what he said....but it's very close, I think. He really liked the plate spinning analogy...maybe because we have a long history of sharing plates & stories & life.
Between the two of them....the confidence & vision I had been seeking was uncovered....allowing me to shift gears....change my focus....see things that I was overlooking....to chart a course that will carry me forward to what's coming next.
Those things had been hiding underneath the table, I guess....waiting to see what I am going to do with the plates...this time...
Just ordinary conversations....on ordinary days....touching lives in extraordinary ways....
Life is good!
I have had a really good week. A string of days with good things happening....simply. Friends keep asking me, "so what happened to make it such a good day?"
And the answer is nothing really....just everything.
It's been a long time coming for me....and I am wondering if this is a glimpse of what HAPPY feels like....
Early in the week two of my friends weighed in on my restlessness.
One is a fairly new friend....that wandered into my life accidently several months ago....& continues to surprise me when he says things so casually that tell me he really & truly "gets" me....
Yep. That's where the whole plate spinning dialogue started. He pointed out that plate spinning was somewhat of a lost art....and possibly a not-so-productive use of my time & talents.
Okay, that's not exactly what he said....he is actually very careful with his words....and I am learning that it's always worth the wait to hear what's on his mind.
And it was his comment about "breaking plates" that caused me to step back and look at things from a different perspective.
A few more walls came down....the door was opened a little wider....
And I was able to see the possibilities that have been unfolding all around me for quite some time...instead of the taunting empty poles waiting for plates to start spinning....
Later that same day I got to spend some time with a friend who has probably been a part of my life longer than anyone....except for my family.
Who am I kidding?!?! He IS family! He knows personally almost every skeleton in my closet....and he knows where most of the bodies are buried.
He met me accidently in a school hallway back in my "invisible" days of high school....I was certain that I was unnoticeable & insignificant....
Yet he recognized me instantly from a picture that his buddy had carried around in his wallet for close to two years of the "most beautiful girl in the world"...
He has been there for most every important moment....disappointment....setback..,.victory.... & accomplishment....since I was fifteen....and he has never, ever failed to make me feel special....worthy....significant....
(Of course, I don't believe anyone ever shows up in my life "accidently"....not a big believer in coincidences...ever.)
So on this day earlier in the week, we met to discuss possibilities & life. Much like the fine cigars he loves so much, he took his time....savoring the experience....& we talked about all of the nuances of spinning plates.
He is quite an accomplished plate spinner in his own right. Stories were swapped of very fine plates we had known along the way....nostalgic, it was....a little wistfulness was shared over the plates that shattered due to our lack of timing or imperfect technique at times....we laughed over the pieces we had picked up or left on the floor... along the way of our lifes...
Then he, too, cut to the chase. Because there is really no one who knows me better....my strengths....what motivates me...how I am wired....and where my uncertainties & hesitations come from at times....
Pick out a few plates, MJ, and focus on them. Plate spinning has become obsolete. Take a look at the patterns & choose a few that compliment each other....just like you do with your friends....and then set a nice table....leave the plate spinning to the young & inexperienced....that's what he said.
Okay, that isn't exactly what he said....but it's very close, I think. He really liked the plate spinning analogy...maybe because we have a long history of sharing plates & stories & life.
Between the two of them....the confidence & vision I had been seeking was uncovered....allowing me to shift gears....change my focus....see things that I was overlooking....to chart a course that will carry me forward to what's coming next.
Those things had been hiding underneath the table, I guess....waiting to see what I am going to do with the plates...this time...
Just ordinary conversations....on ordinary days....touching lives in extraordinary ways....
Life is good!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Changeful....
A pretty cool word...changeful.
It's not a word that I have ever used before....found it last week when I was looking up a definition of "restless" after a friend commented that my status was "vague"....heck, nothing vague about restless...
And there it was...one of the definitions of "restless" was "changeful"....
I liked it...a lot. It summed up perfectly the restlessness in me.
Life is good right now....maybe even verging on very good....& that is a little scary for me....it's been a very long time coming....don't want to jinx it somehow...
It's not a word that I have ever used before....found it last week when I was looking up a definition of "restless" after a friend commented that my status was "vague"....heck, nothing vague about restless...
And there it was...one of the definitions of "restless" was "changeful"....
I liked it...a lot. It summed up perfectly the restlessness in me.
Life is good right now....maybe even verging on very good....& that is a little scary for me....it's been a very long time coming....don't want to jinx it somehow...
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