In Time Out....

That was the first thing I thought this morning...."hmmm, mj, you are in time out...."

so i nudged that around a bit. time out. generally you get "sent" to time out for being out-of-control somewhow. to take a break from the immediate behavior. to take time to calm down....to cool off...to think about what you said and/or did....wikipedia says it's intended to give an "over-excited child time to calm down"...so yeah, I guess that's where I am....

self-imposed time out

checked in on facebook before starting here....procrastinating to some extent...and there plain as day, one of my friends had posted this status late last nite---after we had bantered some & I had gone on to bed..."straighten up or I am going to send you to TIME OUT"....

smack....stop procrastinating MJ....get on with the day...

so i am going to take some time here to ponder some random things....hopefully taking the time will calm me down & help me sort through some of the tumultuous things...

it was over a month ago....i was in a coffee shop that i had never visited before...headed to the powder room and discovered there a little locked box with slips of paper next to it...the sign said "we will pray for you. write your request on the slip. first names only."

interesting, i thought. so i wrote on the little slip of paper "please let some good things happen for (first name)" & managed to get into the overstuffed box.

within 24 hours....good things DID start happening for my specific friend...& week after week the good things are still coming his way.

last week while in the same coffee shop, i visited the power room once again. little box is still there...it's still locked....and it doesn't appear to have been opened since i wrote the original note...it's still over-stuffed & there would be no way to slip another piece of paper in the slot...makes me wonder who is reading the notes...& who is actually doing the praying...

well...not really...

none of us have our lives together...certainly not me...so why can't everyone stop faking it? and just be real....

and why do people settle for the life of aloneness...you know, where you just become passive...shut down...coasting instead of living...going with the flow....anyone's flow as long as it doesn't take any real effort or commitment on your part...just to have someone to lie down with you...

i don't get it.

we don't have to be genius' to change our lives....we just have to acknowledge our pride & then set it aside...we have to quit trying to play games with our own hearts...

things are changing in my life right now...& i know that i am responsible for setting those changes into motion....so why am I now so uncomfortable and apprehensive about those changes?!?

and here's a conundrum...

everytime i have the opportunity to do something cool, i invite you along...because there's no one i'd rather share the good stuff with than you....yet whenever you have the opportunity to do something fun...anywhere...on any level...you search high & low to find "anyone" -- to take along....guess that means that being with "anyone" is better than being with me....

actions always speak louder than words...i need to accept the "truth" of your actions...

...and so many people have been really sick...& in recent weeks, people important to me have died. it makes me realize how fragile life really is & how one never knows what the next minute holds...every minute counts...so we should stop exhausting ourselves in places...and people...who don't really matter...what if you get to that moment & realize that you spent all of your time "biding time" or waiting for just the right moment...for everything to fall into place...& you never ever got to experience the good stuff or tell someone they were important...because you were too scared...or too tired....or too confused....or too too too

...or worse, you wake up one day & realize that the things you really want in life...simply aren't options any more because you were too busy wasting your time frivolously instead of being willing to invest the time & effort into something real...

so if i let someone "in", is it worth the risk? if i let them fill the holes in my life will the holes in my heart be filled as well?

maybe. maybe not. guess it depends on who i let in...

whatever...i have to let go...i know it...it's just so hard...it hurts to think that i was simply seeing you as someone who never really existed in the first place...i'm smarter than that...

if you want something, you have to take the initiative...make the move...do the asking....will there ever be anything --- or anyone --- important enough to you for you to put yourself on the line...to take the risk?!?

there are lots of things that sound really great....look good, feel good...but they aren't real & they lead us off the road we want to be on...

ok ok...i have been stalled here long enough....on this road that goes nowhere...

all of my friends are right...surely there's no way so many people who care about me could all be wrong about the same thing, is there?!?!

what if it's like one of those movies....you know the ones....where she gets tired of waiting & she leaves the place....then minutes later he shows up....& their chance for happiness was missed because of her impatience?!?! (it works both ways...in the movies, he leaves too soon just as often as she does...just keeping the record straight!)

*sigh* time out isn't really working yet....remember MJ, time out...taking a break...it's really NOT punishment even though it often feels that way...

there is so much healing going on in the lives of people who are important to me...some of it has been a long time coming...it's amazing to see the hand of God ... even more amazing when it's said outloud in awe & wonder by one who has been hurting for so very long... a lifetime...

it's taken such a long time for there to be any sign of hope or encouragement....what if i had given up...walked away...too soon...seriously...the glimmer of hope has been worth the wait...the effort...the frustration....

so why do i continue to be so impatient?!?!

last Sunday, drew opened the service saying "we're going to do things different...it's healthy to change things up....we're going to break some things down..."

and there i was...right where i was supposed to be on Jericho Day 7...

i had told someone important to me how very simple it was...the nite before....

Tell God you love Him
Let Him love you back...

i told him that "receiving" love was the hardest part....

so here i am struggling to make sense out of the people & things in my life...you are one of those things...

losing Aunt Julia has shaken me...down deep...in ways i never imagined...i am retreating...because i need to...& i am only taking with me those friends & things that are truly good for me...not necessarily who & what I "want"...those are often not the same...& apparently i have some discernment issues in that area....

let go, MJ...it's ok...just do it...be free! Real life is there waiting on you...to let go!

gosh, i am really, really trying....it sounds so simple....and it's really very hard!

..and someone important to me said, "a hero...don't let MJ think she's a hero...because she's not!" funny. i have never thought of myself as a hero....that was saturday nite & on sunday morning del is talking about feeling like an imposter....impersonating a hero....

is that what I do?!? am i an imposter?!? yeah, i guess so. impersonating a hero but never believing i could be one...

do i really have to go here, next? yeah, i guess so...moving on to iridescence....

iridescence: 1 : a lustrous rainbowlike play of color caused by differential refraction of light waves (as from an oil slick, soap bubble, or fish scales) that tends to change as the angle of view changes 2 : a lustrous or attractive quality or effect

this word first popped up in a brutally honest conversation and was used in the context of a very blunt description of a very specific situation....it was offered up by someone who would only say it...to me...if it was totally impossible to ignore the fact. never one to accept or encourage my choices simply because they were my choices...only willing to acknowledge the choices he would make on my behalf...

...an oil slick?!? huh. interesting.

it's a little scary to think that i finally stumbled on....and presented....a choice that he finds not only acceptable but verbally & verbosely endorsed...

uh yeah...he said it was iridescent...

that was weeks & weeks ago....then recently i received in the mail a fun little pamphlet full of quotes & stories...inspiring stuff...encouraging stuff...it was from a friend launching a new career...mailed as part of his "goodwill" campaign to create business contacts....ironically, it's the same friend who posted the "time out" status last nite...

accidently validating things that have already been made clear to me...anyway...in the little pamphlet...buried deep in a long essay thing about "a good friend" is found THAT word again...

irridescent..it's spelled wrong...probably because it's a word that's not commonly used...in any context...it made me smile to find it there...

"Friendship has not the irridescent joys of love, though it is closer than is often known to the highest, truest love."

The little essay describes friendship in a variety of ways...it extols the virtues of having a friend...of being a friend....basically it says that friendship is where all great relationships are grounded...and love is friendship iridescent...

funny how a word pops up....& then hovers around....thought provoking...& troublesome...

and then there was that conversation with a friend recently who said isn't it funny how EVERYONE can see something that is so obvious except for the one person who is causing the stir...

yeah...causing the stir....that made me laugh a little...well, maybe more than a little...

frienships are so hard at times....when they should be so somple...had a friend say to me a few months ago....it's a lot harder to be "friends" than to do the "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing....

that was profound to me...seriously, how is that possible?!?....isn't the "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing only supposed to come AFTER the friendship is in place?!?!

life is too hard at times. most of our problems come from a life lead by a heart that's running from love.

so last week, my best friend---the Creator of the Universe---became a little impatient with ME...usually it's me being impatient with Him...imagine that...

anyway...He shook me by the shoulders....He smacked me in the back of the head...

He said clearly & deliberately: "Take down your walls, MJ. It's time! Let go! Be open! Love is all around you. Just be honest. Say what you need to say."

So Jericho Day 7....happened...i had been marching around the city for my seven days (hmm just did the math....seven WAS the relevant number...why am i ALWAYS surprised by things like that)...

it was time....so the trumpets blew & i shouted out loud...and the walls are down....just like He promised...

Who remembers the rest of the story of Jericho?!? What comes next?!?

ha ha ha.....and I just now got it....just this minute as I am typing the close here...and all around me i feel the swell of the laughter that is bursting forth from the very heart of God Himself...He wraps me up in His joy...His pleasure...and His love for me...it's contagious...and i can't help myself...i am rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably with the creator of the universe...

because, seriously, read the story if you don't believe me....what comes after Jericho Day 7?!?!

Time out, of course!

and once again i find myself exactly where i am supposed to be...

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