My Christmas List ...

Every year, for the last 7 years, I have made a list of 3 things that I want for Christmas.  Not things that can be bought ... or wrapped to be placed under the tree.  Three intangible things ... things that stir the spirit and cause my heart to leap with joy ... gifts that bring
the meaning of Christmas home.

I generally make my list early in December ... with the caveat that they will materialize by
New Year's Eve.  So far ... I haven't been let down or disappointed.

Everything about this Christmas is different.  And plans keep changing on a daily basis.  For real,
I thought I had already experienced all of the disjointed, dysfunctional holidays one could imagine.  Looks like there are a few more of them lurking around in ole Santa's bag.

Yesterday I realized that I hadn't made my list yet ... and I was running out of time.  It's important to allow enough time ... because generally my list is made up of things that aren't clearly defined ... or exactly easy.

It's ok.  God assures me time and time again that He's up to the challenge!

So all through the morning I pondered the possibilities.  After quite a bit of brainstorming, I came up with several things that seemed appropriate for this season.

For weeks, I had been planning to attend a different church on this particular Sunday.  There was a very special Christmas service planned ... it was going to be quite a production ... with lots of fabulous music.  And I really thought it was where I wanted to be.  God had
something else in mind.

We missed our time at Grace last week due to the ice storm.  It's very unsettling to Jessi & Donald to have their routines disrupted that way.  And I knew that the idea of going to a "different" church ... even though it's one that is very Jessi-friendly ...  was going to cause them some disappointment.

On the way to pick them up, I decided ... or maybe God decided for me ... that rather than let them down somehow ... the thing to do was to go on to Grace ... and forgo the special Christmas service.

As I settled in my seat, I decided to put my Christmas list on paper.  I opened my journal and wrote the following 3 things:

~ a little awe & wonder
~ a change of heart
~ an overwhelming of hope & healing

I chuckled as I wrote them out like that ... thinking ... there you go, God ... sure hope it's not too much to ask this year.

The service started. Del wasn't there.  It was shared that he had a very special baptism that morning ... a grandson in Texas.  I had to smile.  Obviously, I am not the only one who puts BIG things on their list.

So today the music and the message were going to be provided by two young men ... who always amaze me with their passion & purpose ... because I remember them as boys struggling to find their way.

There was no BIG production.  Or fancy backdrops.  Or anything like that.  As a matter of fact, at times, the worship music faltered a little and it wasn't always easy to sing along.  That's what happens when there worship is led from the heart ... and not practiced over and over until it's perfect.

It was real ... and genuine ... and exactly what my heart needed to prepare it for the rest of the day ... the rest of the season.

Then came the message.  Drew speaks to us from time to time ... when Del's not around. He is always sharing a truth that is working on his own heart.

He opened with a simple prayer ... that he asked us all to pray individually ...

Show me something new, Lord.

I sighed.  And prayed right along with him ... the something new prayer.  Then my heart whispered ... Show me you are near.

Drew fidgeted a little there on the platform.  He's always a little nervous ... until he gets started ... then the good stuff just comes pouring out.

Taste The Wonder

That's what he said he was going to talk about this morning.  I sat up a little straighter so I wouldn't miss anything.

There was something up on the screen ... as he continued to speak. It said something about the "Awh and wonder".   I had to smile ... as I did a double-take.  No way it actually said that ... it had only been minutes since I wrote those very words down.

,.. and the whisper came ... "Seriously, MaryJane, how much time did you really think I would need?!?"

Life has a way of beating the awe and wonder out of us.  That's what Drew said ... and he's right.   He went on to say that God did not intend for us to be spectators in our own lives.  Drew had a lot of powerful things to share. (It's worth a listen ... Taste The Wonder)

Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Taste ... means here .. and now.  Living in the moment.

Living in the moment is somewhere God has been leading me throughout this year of changes & transitions.  Woven into Drew's message were the themes of a changed heart ... that bears the fruit ... that comes from ... TASTING ... the goodness of God.

It was very cool.  God tapped into my "awe & wonder" idea ... it was His way of letting me know He was near ... showing off a little with the whole answered prayer thing.

Drew was on a roll.  Overwhelmed, he said.  It's one thing to be right ... it's another thing to be overwhelmed.

His words ... took my breath away.

God does what He's got to do .. to interrupt our lives ... so that we may SEE the awe of Him.

"A little awe & wonder, MaryJane?!?" chuckled my best friend God, Creator of the Universe affectionately. "Get ready ... for something new!"

(c) December 2013

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

Shell Game ...

It's a plastic tube ... with a bunch of sea shells in it ... there's some bits & pieces of colored coral ... for good measure.  I found it ... somewhere in the house ... while de-cluttering. 

A souvenir ... most likely ... a reminder ... of life ... at the beach.  So I tossed it casually into the box of things I was going to sell on ebay a month or so ago.

Took the picture ... posted it ... along with the assorted items of the day ... the week ... the month.  It has been amusing to me ... what things actually ... SELL ... on ebay. 

Jessi wandered in ... poking through the box of stuff that I was trying to send to a new home ... quickly, she grabbed up the tube of shells saying,

"You can't put that on ebay!  It's Abbi's!"

I shook my head.  I was pretty sure it wasn't Abbi's.  I haven't been into any of her stuff ... most of it is buried three rows deep in the garage ... behind the collections of things that came over from Aunt Julia's last year.

Agitated.  Emphatic.  She took the little tube of shells ... shook it ... and stomped down the stairs with it.   Later I noticed that she had put it in the top of a box of things I was setting aside for Abbi to go through next time she visited ... things she could decide to claim as treasures or relinquish forever.

Not too much time passed before Abbi breezed through for a quick visit.  She rummaged through the box of things ... picked out a couple of items ... and left the rest.  Now of these were "special" things ... just random stuff that had been surfacing in the de-cluttering process.

I noticed that she had returned the plastic tube full of shells to the box. 

"Jessi says that's yours," I told her. 

She looked puzzled & shook her head, "Nope.  Not mine"

"She was very adamant about it," I went on.  "It is important to her.  She rescued it from the ebay box and put it in your box." 

Abbi said no it wasn't hers ... she hadn't ever seen it before ... and she really didn't need  or want ... a "retail" package of shells.

She has plenty of shells ... of her own.

We both smiled ... at Jessi and her ways.  Of course, we didn't get it.  We don't see things like Jessi.

So I took the items that weren't important back to  the ebay pile.  And once again, Jessi calmly ... but firmly ... retrieved the tube of shells.  She did it without me knowing it.  Next thing I knew, the tube of shells were back in Abbi's box ... waiting for her next visit.

For a couple of weeks, we played the shell game ... Jessi and I.  I'd take them upstairs.  She'd bring them downstairs.  I'd take them back upstairs.  Once I listed them again ... I put them in the closet with the other items that were waiting to be purchased.

"Where's Abbi's kaleidoscope?"  Jessi asked one evening.

Puzzled, I said I didn't know what she was talking about or where to look for it.  And I was totally floored by the word ... kaleidoscope.

"Abbi's kaleidoscope ... WHERE IS IT?!?"  Jessi demanded.  "It's not in the box."

Looking around, I realized she was looking in the upstairs box I bring things to before I listed them on ebay.  Again, I said, "I haven't seen a kaleidoscope.  I don't know what you are talking about, Jessi."

Frustrated, she said, "Mom.  It's Abbi's kaleidoscope.  I made it for her.  She has to have it.  It's important."

Then it dawned on me.  The plastic tube of shells ... it was a kaleidoscope.  Jessi made it for Abbi.  It was plain as day to her ... what it was ...

It was me ... who didn't SEE it ... the same way Jessi saw it.

Heading into the closet, I brought it out.  "Is this it?"  I asked.

 "Yes!  It's Abbi's kaleidoscope.  I made it for her ... with shells from the beach ... she loves the beach, Mom ..."  that's what Jessi said, and then ... "See ... when you turn it, Mom ... everything changes ... and then it looks different."

Together we placed the kaleidoscope in Abbi's box ... awaiting her next visit. 

I have spent hours thinking about that kaleidoscope.  And how out-of-focus I allow myself to get at times. I have looked at it from every angle ... and on the bottom ... are Jessi's initials ... "JS" ... to be sure that no one else at the workshop claimed her handiwork.

On days when I have been here by myself, I have picked up that simple tube of shells & coral.  I have turned it ... shook it up ... pondered the bits & pieces ... the fragments of the beach ... which in our house ... will always be reminders ... of other things ... memories of a past life ...

And it occurs to me, that maybe I have been trying too hard to make all of my puzzle pieces fit into a new picture ... somehow.  Instead of collecting them in one place ... and letting them ebb & flow ... on their own .. in response to what life is showing me ... at any given time.

Once I asked for a NEW puzzle ... and Abbi made me one.    She wrote the words ... describing the pieces of me ... that I was wanting to hang on to ... on little slips of paper ... and embedded them in a crystal ball of glitter.

It was cool and insightful ... the perfect gift for my healing heart.

And here ... in the little plastic tube ... was Jessi's attempt ... to do the same for Abbi. 

Abbi came this week.  She left with the kaleidoscope ... that her sister made for her ... full of love & pieces of the beach. 

The pieces will shift around ... each time she picks it up ... and it will never look the same twice.  The pieces all belong inside, though ... they are what make up the kaleidoscope ...in the first place ...  making it vital & precious.

Without all of the bits & pieces ... the fragments ... brightly colored coral ... along with the plain, unadorned shells ... it would have no meaning.

Jessi is right.  It is important.  She teaches me things ... fresh & new ... when she demands that I see things through her eyes ... all of the time.

Today,  when I picked up Jessi's boyfriend to join us for parade watching & a Thanksgiving feast with family later ... he was asking about how Jessi was doing after her medical procedure this week. 

Bless his heart.  He has been so worried.  Is there a chance she will die?!?! He had asked last week.  I assured him there was no chance of anything like that.  Then yesterday when she showed up with some humongous safety glasses on ... underneath her regular glasses ... he almost lost it.

"Is she blind?!?"  he asked urgently. 

I had to smile ... because she is most definitely ... NOT blind!

Neither one of us have a clue where she got those safety glasses ... she thought they were a cool touch to her "rock star" outfit for the talent show. 

This morning, we talked about how there was nothing wrong with her ... it was just a pro-active procedure ... but that there was a little bit of soreness & tenderness ... and that he should be patient with her for a few days.

He became very quiet ... as we drove along ... gazing reflectively out the window.  Then he turned to me and said, "You know, MaryJane, when things are healing ... it has to hurt some, too.  That's how you know it's healing."

Jessi's not blind.  She sees things we don't see.  And Donald ... well, at times I am positive that he is the wisest man I have ever met.

Today ... things hurt ... that's how I know there is healing.

... there's a time for everyone

if they only learn

that the twisting kaleidoscope

moves us all in turn ...

~ Can You Feel The Love Tonite - Elton John

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) November 2011

Pond ponderings ...

I hop into the pond ... and all of the frogs leap out.

That's what I told a friend the other day ... I have known ever since I said it that it was how I was going to start my next blog post.  It seems appropriate somehow.

As I've been turning my house upside down ... moving Jessi from the upstairs to the downstairs ... and me from the downstairs to the upstairs ... I've been knee deep in boxes of stuff ... stuff that needs to be discarded.  And this time ... I am going to do it ... I am determined to let go of some of the junk ... put it on the curb ...

... and hope that it's someone else's treasure ... or not.

I know what I have to do.  Del said it outloud last Sunday.  Of course he did.  Because it's time for me to hear it ... time for me to do it.

Drew opened the service with the song, "More Like Falling In Love"

Great.  A set-up.  Then Del said a few words.

"When I get to the message this morning, I am going to speak to you ... simply ... about ... TO LIVE...

to give love & to receive love ... that's how you find life."

So there I am.  Standing next to Jessi as the singing begins.  She loses herself in the music.  Hands raised.  Pure, innocent joy on her face.  Loving God with her whole heart. Abandoned.

 ... and God whispers in my ear, " Well done, MJ. You have loved her well & it shows in her life."

Immediately I am humbled ... and ashamed ... for feeling so overwhelmed & burdened at times ... funny ... Jessi was the one who taught us all ... me ...  to hear Him when He whispers into my ear ... to listen with an open heart.

And there was the truth.  Stark & bare.

We are all a reflection of how we are loved by the people who love us.  Ouch.  Hurting people hurt people.

My inability to receive love is a result of the love that has been offered to me ... by the people who were supposed to love me ...

Del returned to the platform to present his message.

"If you want to LIVE ... you have to look at what's killin' you."

Simple. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

Still, I know it's time.  To tend to the wounds.  To clean them out deeply.  To stop just putting a topical ointment on them & covering them up with a band-aid.  Pretending that healing is taking place.

It was a powerful message.  And there were too many references to ME ... specific words & phrases ... for me to even argue "coincidence" . 

The word "unravel" was even tossed out there.  Not a common,
run-of-the-mill word.  It's one that God uses whenever He is trying to get my attention ... to bring me back around ... to that place that I have spent a lifetime running from ... my heart.

I am just like everyone else.  I know.  I want things to get "fixed" without going through the healing process.  Healing is much deeper than a quick fix.  And it often hurts.

The deeper than wound.  The more painful the healing.  Guess that's where the ole adage "No pain, no gain" comes from.  I don't know.

Healing involves ... requires ... exposing the wound ...

"I'm going to let you see me ... but I'm not going to let you see all of me ..."

To LIVE I must look at the things that are destroying me ...

"Just let me get those things fixed, MJ ... once those things are taken care of then I will start living like the man I really am"

I wish it worked that way.  That everything would get fixed and then I would be free to live the life I want to be living.  It's the other way around.  God uses the things that are killin' me to expose the need for healing ... in my heart.

Since Sunday, I have spent some time with my hurts ... my wounds ... ripping off the band-aids ... removing the scabs ... stripping away the scar tissue ... it's out in the open ... I am looking at it ...

... and it hurts.  A lot. 

This time, though, I am ready.  To accept the truth.  The truth about others.  The truth about myself. 

Hurting people hurt people.  Yeah, I've known that a long time.  I can't fix their hurts ... they must examine their own wounds ... their own hearts. And those feelings of  "unworthiness" ... of  "undesirablilty" ... are their truths ... not mine.   Love doesn't tear you down ... it builds you up. 

It's really very simple. 

Never, ever forget ... YOU are the prize!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) Mary Jane Sawyer 2010