Ladybug GPS

Yesterday was beautiful.  Sun was shining.  Top was down.  A ladybug took a ride on my windshield.  All the way to the bowling alley & back, it perched there ... serving as my GPS ... enjoying the ride ...

Just like me ... I guess.

Back in my driveway, I reached for my camera.  I wanted to capture the moment.  That's when the ladybug took flight.  Must not like to have her picture taken ...

Just like me ... I guess.

Ladybugs are lucky.  Everyone knows that.  In some Asian cultures, it is believed that the ladybug understands human language ... and has been blessed by God ... Himself.

When my Google-search turned up that tidbit of ladybug lore, it made me smile. 

"Blessings" has been the word of the day ... for oh-so-many-days ...

So I guess it's really no surprise that a ladybug crossed my path yesterday. 

The past week has been full of unexpected developments ... interesting conversations ... and, for those who thrive on it, tremendous opportunities for drama.

I don't do drama.  Not well.  'Nuff said.

There's a certain dialogue ... underway ... that's weighing heavy on my mind. The what-to-say, what-not-to-say dilemma ... initiated by unforseen circumstances ... followed by a nudge ... well, actually it was more like a shove ... from my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe ... that sent me racing down a road I really wasn't ready to go down ...

... all of which came on the heels of several of other exhausting conversations ... situations ... as I keep trying to be there ... for a variety of friends ... when I don't even know where "there" is ...

Funny.  One day this week my little facebook fortune said "You are there."  Hopefully time will tell where it is ... that I have finally arrived.

So the beautiful day ... and the chances to enjoy the top down rides ... as I went about my Saturday errands was therapeutic ... and I was listening carefully ... respecting the silence ...

Upon return, I picked up one of the many books that I have laying around the house ... and flipped it open randomly ... landed on page 165 ... here's what I found ... there ...

"A vision we give to another of who & what they could become
has power when it echoes what the Spirit has already spoken into their souls."

The book is CONNECTING by Larry Crabb.  It was given to me a few years ago ... by a good friend ... who has been a source of encouragement & insight during my personal journey of the last 6 years ... for true intimacy ...   

Most people raise their eyebrows where I tell them that is my quest ... because most people think "intimacy" is just another word for "sex".  Wrong-a-mondo!

Intimacy is something entirely different.  It has to do with familiarity ... knowing someone well ... inside & out ... it implies a close relationship ... one that has long ago dispensed with ceremony & formality.  It's the sharing of life between two people in an open, real, genuine way.  There is emotional intimacy ... intellectual intimacy ... & physical intimacy.

Good friendships will be based on at least one or a combination of the three. Oftentimes some truly intimate relationships are purely platonic ... the emotional & intellectual connections are so strong.

 The most special of relationships ... true intimacy ... would embody them all. 
However, those connections are extremely rare ...

... like maybe, one in ten million.

The book raises ... & addresses ... the questions:  "Why are we afraid of connecting with others?  And what has prevented us from achieving the thrill of intimacy with friends & family that God wants us to have?"

My friend sent me to find the book ... because ... he knows that connections come as natural as breathing to me ... that all three "intimacies" are important to me ... and at the time,  he said I was "ready" ... whatever that means.

Haven't spent much time with the book ... yet ... even though I've had it for quite awhile.  So maybe I wasn't really as ready as he thought.

Yesterday, it spoke to my questioning heart.

It went on to say ...

"A Spirit-inspired vision sometimes includes an idea of what a person could do, but it always centers on what a person could become."

Validating for me the highly charged conversations of the week .. affirming that somehow ... instinctively ... my responses were right ... and appropriate.  Whew!  That makes me feel a little bit better .. about things.

 

I had goals for the day ... yesterday. Make enough chicken spaghetti to feed a small army ... get Jessi to-and-from all of her dates with Donald ... clean up the patio ... & make a concentrated effort to start organizing the patio storage room.

Most of the immediate moving around in the storage room had to do with Christmas stuff.  Then I moved on to some boxes of old samples from my promtional products days .... tossed some ... kept some cool little items ... began a give-it-away box. 

In the midst of those types of boxes, I stumbled across a random CD case ... full of CDs.  I had to smile.  It was Abbi's old playlist ... from the days before Ipods & Iphones ... her encyclopedia of music ... the soundtrack of both of our lives ... during some of the toughest times ... ever.

Abbi has very cool taste in music.  She enjoys many of my oldies favorites.  More importantly, though, she has always introduced me to fresh, new artists ... artists who sing songs with messages ... that tell stories .. that touch my heart.

When I went on my one-and-only-roadtrip since my divorce ... a couple of years ago ... I asked Abbi for all of these CDs ... I wanted it to be my own little "roadmap" much like in her favorite movie, Elizabethtown. 

She couldn't find them ... at the time ... duh?!?! ... now I know they were lurking around in my storage room ... so she gave me her Ipod instead ... and said "Just hit shuffle, Mom, all of your songs will be there!"

The memory of Abbi's roadmap of music ... on the road to re-discovering myself ... always makes me smile!

Of course, I was still pondering the heartening message I had found in the book earlier. 

It said that if you were the one who had a vision of someone else's potential that it almost always created "anguish in your heart".

That was reassuring.  Guess my present uncertainty is a normal ... expected ... thing.  Thank goodness for that one!  Because there's no doubt that I have been anguished several times in recent days over the circumstances ... the honesty that was required of me ... the discomfort I have had at times in offering it ... & now the uncertainity of how things will play out ... because of that honesty.


Drug another box out & hidden in the bottom were stacks of yellowed papers, newspaper clippings, magazine pages ... and beneath them were two metal card files of differing sizes & a book sealed up in a plastic bag.

What a find!  It was my Mimi's recipe trove that I have somehow been moving around with me ... unawares ... from house-to-house ... state-to-state ... for a whole lot of years.  As I sifted through the papers I realized those were copies of her old favorites ... rewritten in later years ... with a big bold Sharpie marker on lined paper ... so that her failing eyes could read them. 

In the boxes are hundreds of recipe cards .... most of them written by her own hand ... a collected outpouring of love from a woman who was my mentor in the art of making people feel valued, loved & special.

... and the book in the plastic bag is a copy of a Good Housekeeping cookbook copyright 1941 ... in mint condition ... must have been one of her favorites!

As I set there in the sunshine, memories flooded over me as I remembered this dish ... that cake ... a family occasion of some sort ... or a simple meal made memorable by her attention to detail ... and love for good food & pretty things.

It was like finding an atlas of favorite adventures ...  based on a loved one's journey ... just waiting for me to revisit ... and claim as my own.

Throughout the afternoon,  I found myself wandering back to the book... 

" A Spirit-inspired vision is less concerned with
practically moving someone in a good direction

and more concerned with them catching a glimpse of what could be."

What could be ... now there's something worth spending some time on ... at least that's what I have been trying to tell my friends ... in my own words and ways ...

It would be EASIER to want less for the people I care about, I know.
Good visions hurt.

But, easy ... that's just not my style. Not always sure if that's a good thing  ... especially when you hold the direct & honest cards ... as well ...

It got to be late in the day ... evening actually ... I had dropped Jessi off at the dance ... picked up some sushi & wine ... and settled in on the patio ... to enjoy the nice weather ... and spend a little bit of quiet time ...

My mind was still caught up in the unsolicited drama that had played out ... all week ... so I picked up the book again ... for one more look ... at the passage I had started earlier ...   

Having such a vision for someone, according to Crabb, is a form of spiritual warfare.  Final victory is guaranteed, but, along the way, temporary setbacks & serious defections create levels of anguish that reduce us to prayer."

Wow! That's exactly where I was on Wednesday nite ... with my Band of Gypsys ... discussing how we are always under attack ... at war ... that it's the context of everything.

Our small group is studing Waking The Dead by John Eldredge and here's what we discussed this week:

"Until we come to terms with war as the context of our days we will not understand life.  We will misinterpret 90 percent of what is happening around us and to us.  It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions towards us are life abundant;  it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are blowing it ..."

Sitting there on the patio ...  my burden was suddenly lightened.  It's so very cool how God does that.  He tells you something ... important ... then tells you again & again .... in a bunch of different ways ... just to be sure that you are "getting it"... if you are paying attention ...

Here's a little more from Eldredge:

"You won't understand your life, you won't see clearly what has happened to you or how to live forward from here unless you see it as a BATTLE.  A war against your heart.  And you are going to need your whole heart for what's coming next.  I don't mean what's coming next in the story I'm telling ... I mean what's coming next in the life you are living."

Have to laugh ... out loud.  I mean, really, do you think He could spell it out any clearer for me?!?!    And I love it when He explains it to me ... so simply & vividly ... and uses my VERY OWN words ... in the explanation.

By the time I called it a night ... there was a bit more stuff ... a little easier than some of that from earlier in the week, though ... or maybe I was just better equipped ... somehow ...

With an atlas full of treasured adventures waiting to be re-visited ... a roadmap that encompasses the soundtrack of my life the last few years ... and a ladybug GPS ... no doubt I am READY for whatever's coming next ...

Not to mention the fortune in my cookie that came with my sushi ...
GOOD NEWS IS ON IT'S WAY ...

... so here I am ... impatiently waiting patiently ... Amen.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) March 2011



Winter ... Whatever ....

Last week, the temperatures hovered in a Spring-like range .... as we watched & waited for the BIG snow.  Interestingly enough ... this time ... the forecasters got it right ... it really should have been no surprise ... not to me ... I should have seen the avalanche coming ...

Winter has been on my mind ... ever since a somewhat unsettling conversation last week ... with a friend ... that ended with a reference to "hibernation".

It was his response ... to my response  ... to a sudden change in the air ...

... guess the reality of the situation just set in ...

So the concept of  "hibernation" has been following me around for a week now ... and the weirdness of the exchange ... and the unsettled feelings that remain ... caused me to share my thoughts on hibernation with that friend ... in an email ... over the weekend ...

Here's what I wrote ...

To me, hibernation means spending the winter in a dormant state ... holed up in a dark cave somewhere ... staying warm with whatever you can find there in the dark ... only to wander out when spring arrives to discover that a season has passed ... with changes having taken place in the world around you ... but still you are in exactly the same place as you were before .

The alternative to hibernation is to embrace the winter season with gusto. To bundle up, play in the cold, throw snowballs, laugh, drink good coffee, and curl up in front of a fire from time-to-time to recharge. When spring comes, you aren't wandering out ... sluggish & stagnant ... from inactivity ... instead you are ready to embrace the next season with gusto ... because each new season brings it's own adventure.

I won't be hibernating. I will be out there shoveling the snow ... so that whatever it is that is coming next in my life ... has a clear path ... to find me. Living life ... through its ups & downs .. to the fullest ... is my goal. Sharing some of life ... with people that I find fun & interesting ... is preferable to hibernating.

Somehow I had hoped that just saying what was on my mind was going to be enough ... to ease the uncertainty ... that seemed to have gained momentum ... on it's on ... much like a snowball rolling downhill ...

It hasn't.

Yes, indeed.  The BIG snow came ... after that.  Something like 6 inches at my house ... and apparently a total snowbound situation ... no way in ... no way out ... on the other end.

Sunday started with some beautiful winter sunshine ... and ended with the snowfall.  In the morning ... over my coffee ... I noted in my journal:

Hibernation ... if He (God through Del)  talks about hibernating ... this morning ... I will ... well, I don't WHAT I will do ...guess it depends on WHAT He has to say about it ...

On the ride over to church, I commented crypticly to my friend ... who had arrived the day before ... to spend the winter ... the season ... that it was going to be interesting to see if Del talked about "hibernating" this morning ...

Yeah ... it was sort of a test ... to see if I was ... imagining ...

... the significance of things.

Grabbed a cup of coffee ... and visited with several folks before the service ... most of the conversation was centered on whether the snow was really going to come ... or not ... and out of no where, one friend said ... he WAS NOT shoveling snow ... under any circumstances.

Smack!  No doubt about what was coming next ...

Settled into our seats ... and once again ... we sang ....  the same song that we've been singing for weeks ... and weeks ... and weeks ...

... Strength will rise

As we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord ...

It was somehow reassuring.  I actually smiled when I heard the giggle ...
in my ear ...

 "You're really NOT going to stop waiting ... NOW ... are you, MJ?!?! 
You're almost there!"

And then ... up on the screen ... without warning ..

2011

Developing Relationships

Of course.  That's what Del's going to talk about ... whew ... a little close to the mark ... but not a dead-on bullseye ... like hibernation would have been ... it's all good ...

... that's what I was thinking.

"If we don't do anything else ... this year ... we are going to work on THIS ... developing REAL relationships"

It was somewhat random ... out-of-context ... up on the screen ... hovering in the air ... not the title of the message ...after all .. it was more of a challenge .. a mandate ...

The what's coming next ... that I have been so eagerly awaiting ... I guess ... maybe ... maybe not ...

And then something Del said a couple of weeks ago popped in to my head ... as we sang some more songs ...

... You DON'T have the power to keep God from working in your life ...

It was an overwhelming thought ... it sort of wrapped itself all around me ... as we sang a familiar song ... that suddenly had new meaning ... because, you know, I am thinking about ... winter ... seasons ...

You are the same in every season ...

Great are you, Lord ...

By the end of the singing ... I knew it was going to be a real side-splitter of a message ... a barrel of laughs ... and that unsettled, anxious feeling returned.

I was distracted a bit.  So I didn't write down what the actual title of the message was ... but Del opened with the statement that there were two basic things that we ... all of us ... battle. ...

... wanting to ESCAPE life ...

... wanting to make life EASY ...

I chuckled inwardly.  Oh yeah ... here it comes ... He IS going to talk about "hibernating" ...
imagine that!

And then right off the bat ... Del said ...

People use their sexuality to fill up empty holes ...
in their lives ... in their hearts.

Wow!  No holding back today.  Just go straight to the point ... why don't ya?!?! 

Random sex ... that has nothing to do with true intimacy ... or real love ... is the most common thing people use to ESCAPE from the mundaneness of their lives.  Materialism ... using things instead of sex ... to feel validated is a close second.  Followed by a lifestyle based on a PARTY spirit ... having "fun" ... random encounters ... rather than REAL relationships ...

These are the ways that people ESCAPE from  ...
the "reality of the situation" ....

All of us try to escape life from time to time ... to find a way to make life easier ... somehow ... somewhere ... the important thing is to not get lost over there ... in those places ...

Duh.  I knew that.  Guess it was just God's way of trying to stave off ... the blindside that came later in the week ... only it really wasn't ... a total shock ... not really ...  you see, I had already been preparing for it ... for several days ...

...in my telepathetic way.

Life sucks.  That's what I had shared with a couple of friends earlier.  It wasn't so much that anything had happened ... not yet ... my life was somewhat on an even keel ... except for the weird, uneasiness that came with the conversation about hibernating. 

I'm ok.  Really.  That's what I told them.  It's true.  It was more a statement of the futility of it all.  My premise was that the sooner we all accept that fact ... the more clearly we will see how important it is to stay focused on the prize ... to keep our eyes open for the good things that come along from time to time ... and to have the courage to grab ahold of them before they simply pass us by.

That's what I said. 

And there I sat ... in church on Sunday ... and Del was pretty much preaching the same message.  He said that life is full of pain ... and hurts.  So we battle with how to escape from the reality ... of it all.  Different people find different ways to escape ... sex, things, partying ... in an attempt to "feel better" ... or to "be happier" ... and if they're not careful ... ESCAPE becomes the focus ... the purpose ... of their lives.

... it simply doesn't work ... not really ... sex, things, partying ... really don't fill the empty places ... they really don't make you feel better about yourself or life ... they really don't make you happier ...

Truth is ... when the momentary high wears off ... you feel worse than you did before ...

Escaping ... it's about getting relief from LIFE ... the pressures of life that are so hard to handle ...it's an attempt to make life a little easier ...

As if ...life's supposed to be easy ..

So Del & God ... were double teaming me ... AGAIN ... I knew it for sure ... because somewhere in the midst of it all .. Del said ... outloud ... from the platform ...

We just can't seem to connect the dots!

He wanted to make sure that I was really GETTING it ... like I could possibly have missed it .. the point. 

Truth is, I got it ... I get it ... have been for quite sometime ... just not really sure what I am supposed to be doing with it ... because at the end of the day, everyone gets to choose ... for themselves ...

I had a near-miss with someone who once was very important to me on Friday nite.  I saw him.  He saw me.  We both pretended we didn't, though.  It just hurt too much ... I guess ... to speak.  And besides, what could we have possibly said ?!?

Not a thing.

He touched on that encounter, too ... on Sunday morning. You see, the message was directed at me ... personally.

Shame feels like a dirty, dirty blanket ... on your heart.  That's what He said.  It was a vivid visual image.  A dirty blanket ... smothering ... choking the life right out.  He went on to say that "shame" and "guilt" aren't the same things. 

Shame is more about feeling unclean .. unworthy ... of the good things that come your way. 

Guilt, on the other hand, is the acknowledgement of your mishap ... screw up ... indiscretion ... lapse in character.  Guilt can be dealt with directly ... head-on ... and resolved ..., put to rest ... so you can move on.

Shame.  Well, shame lingers & lingers.

God sends good things our way .. because He loves us.  He places people in our lives ... in a strategic fashion ... to help us climb out of that dark place ... that we have chosen to hole up in ...escaping ... hibernating ... hoping that when we poke our heads out ... in another season ... that somehow everything will have changed ... without any effort on our part ...

Somehow ... it never really works that way ... it simply doesn't happen.

In order to rid yourself of shame ... you have to be willing to be washed clean ...

...and to accept that you are clean ... after the washing. 

Lots of people posted ... during the snow days ... about sins being washed white as snow ...  as a postscript, it seems ... to Del's comments about being washed clean ... of our shame ... in order to move towards the life we want to be living.

Washing clean ... reminds me of the luscious bar of soap that I received as a gift for Christmas.  It's great big ... and smells like mandarin oranges.  Absolutely yummy!  And the cool thing about this particular soap is that the smell doesn't fade after just a couple of washings ... it stays fragrant all the way to very last sliver.

I know ... because I had peach bar given to me ... by the same person last year.  I loved it so much that I asked for another ... because I always felt so ... clean ... after using it.

This morning, as I ponder all of the pieces ... that suddenly seem to fit .... in a puzzle that doesn't really look like I thought it was going to ... I decided to check my perception ... to look up "hibernate" ... because maybe, just maybe, I was wrong about the whole thing.

HIBERNATE - intransitive verb - 1: to pass the winter in a torpid or resting state ... 2: to be or become inactive or dormant

Hmmm ... pretty much what I thought ... "torpid" that's an interesting word ... let's take a look at that one ...maybe there will something insightful there ...

TORPID - 1a : having lost motion or the power of exertion or feeling : dormant, numb b : sluggish in functioning or acting ... 2: lacking in energy or vigor : apathetic, dull

Wow!  That pretty much says it all.

Hibernation = Escape From Life

All of this talk of hibernating reminded me of the movie, GROUND HOG DAY. Hibernation is basis of the  whole ground hog legend ... after all.

And in the movie, the same day .. the same story ... repeats itself over and over and over ... until Phil Connors (Bill Murray) finally re-evaluates his life & priorities ... and figures out the change ... the something new ... that makes the difference ... that allows him to move on from the life he's been living ... to what's coming next. ...

Haven't we all been there ... done that ...

That place in your heart that hurts the most ... that you spend so much of your time & energy ... escaping ... that you SO DISLIKE ... avoiding the hurting that is necesasry for the healing to come ...

That's the very place ... where God dwells ... the spirit of God lives THERE ... in that darkest place in your heart.

He's waiting for you ... there .. in that most intimate, personal places.

Of course, only you can make you happy ... no one else can do that for you.  It's always YOUR choice.

... lots & lots of pondering ... but by the time got to work this morning ... the dots were all connected.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) January 2011