What that means is ... fairly frequently in the last week or so, I have gone out into the garage and started the car ... for no other reason than to charge up my little phone battery.
Not sure why my Solara has to be turned on for the charger to work ... my Sebring would charge my phone without even having the key in the ignition.
Technology. Blows my mind.
So I start the car & leave it running for many minutes at a time. I generally leave the door between the laundry room & the garage open ... mostly so I don't forget that the car is out there ... running.
Wandering in and out ... it occurred to me ... that ... yeah, I could do that ... start up the car & hang out in the garage ... if the despair was ever that great.
So easy ... no wonder so many have done that very thing ...
Despair, though, has never really been a reality to me. So no need to worry on my account. Really. I promise.
Not sure why I wrote that ... but I've known for days that I was going to open my next blog with it. Guess maybe it has something to do with the malaise ... of the season ...
Everything ... everywhere ... is all tricked out with tinsel ... and lights ... offering up the pretense of shiny and new. And it starts earlier and earlier each year.
Somewhere in the midst of the glitz ... the glitter ... the giving ... the getting .... Christmas has lost it's meaning ... as the world continues to lose it's joy.
And hurting people ... empty & lonely ... hopeless people ... hang out in their garages ... with the engine running ... listening to music ... about peace & love ... meaningless words in the context of their lives.
I love Christmas. Always have. So these past years that I haven't been able to find even the teeniest bit of the ho-ho in my heart ... it's taken an amazing amount of fortitude to
go-through-the-motions ...
... rushing through as quickly as possible ... focusing on the promise of a Happy New Year.
It was hurled in the midst of a lengthy Facebook conversation that started with "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" ... and it totally blindsided me.
A snowball, afterall ... is made from snowflakes ... each one individual & unique ... clumped together clumsily ... and packed down into a hard-hitting zinger. I guess it had never crossed my mind that ... crowd psychology ... applied to snowflakes.
There it was ... a suckerpunch ... from someone who claims to "know" me ... and my heart ... someone who has been receiving my gifts ... my time ... my resources ... my opportunities ... my encouragement ... my home & family ... my love ... bits & pieces of me ... for a very, very long time.
Oh well ... Wal-Mart GUARANTEES more Christmas for your money ... this year. So I guess that explains it. Surely if it's plastered all over Wal-Mart ... than it must be true ... Christmas is simply something you toss in your cart along with shampoo, light bulbs and a carton of milk.
And if a gift is truly nothing more than an obligatory expression of something to someone who may or may not really be important ... by all means, share a little more of nothing this Christmas ... Wal-Mart will gladly take your money.
Sure ... I deserved that ...
Really quickly ... my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe weighed in ...
In keeping with my personal tradition of the last few years, I made a simple list of three things for Santa. All of my "wants" are intangible ... and undefined ... by design. Each year thus far, my gifts have been received no later than New Year's Eve.
Just like snowflakes ... each has been rare, unique & genuine. And because I don't know where they will come from ... or how they will be packaged ... it has allowed me to experience a little bit of Christmas magic ... as my heart has been healing.
A glimmer of hope, a special wish & something wonderfully unexpected. That's what I put on my list ... last nite. By 10 a.m. this morning ... two out of the three had already materialized.
What's up with that?!?! I wondered. So I posed the question.
You're not asking BIG enough, MJ. It's time for you to ask for the BIG things.
That's the answer I got back. Loud and clear. So I pondered on that as I was driving about. What would be BIG enough?
... the desires of your heart ...
Immediately I was humbled. There's no way I can ask for the desires of my heart. I am totally unworthy ... and honestly, I have no idea what are the desires of my heart. I told Him that. He laughed a little ... He finds me so amusing.
Over the last few years I have learned to receive His love ... to allow myself to feel His delight in me. It's been a salve to my hurts. And with a nudge, He reminded me to look at my list again ... from this year ... and the last couple of years ...
Somewhere along the way, I have learned how to ask ... for what He wants to give me.
"Delight" in the Lord ... that's what the message says. And in an instant I realized .. that's it ... to delight myself in the Lord ... IS ... the desire of my heart.
A Christmas conundrum. A riddle where the beginning and the ending are the same ... something like ... Alpha and Omega ... yeah, yeah ... I may be a little slow ... but I get it!
There's still a bit of time left ... for me to find Christmas ... this year. I'm asking BIG now. And He's delighted.
Merry Christmas.
(c) December 2011
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