It was a random thought that popped up on my drive home from church a few weeks ago.
Like out of nowhere the thought came ...
I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere.
In the days since, I have worried over it. Not worry as in giving it persistent, nagging attention.
But worry like touching something repeatedly ... the way Jessi does any ouchie she encounters. She will touch it ... rub it until it is raw... pick at a scab until sometimes it bleeds again.
Then she puts on a fresh band-aid. As if ... that makes it all better.
Jessi loves band-aids. She believes a band-aid fixes any boo boo ... real or imaginary.
Maybe I am more like Jessi than I want to believe at times because that's exactly what I have been doing with the achy, itchy not-belonging sore spot. I have been touching my stories ... rubbing them raw ... scab picking and letting the wounds bleed again ... never allowing time for them to heal.And then, covering them with mental band-aids to protect them from outside irritations.
Sometimes I use plain flesh-colored band-aids. Other times bright neon ones. And on really good days, I choose the super hero band-aids. Really, I do. Just for fun.
And it has occurred to me that possibly this restless, vagabond state-of-heart is something that I have passed on ... accidentally ... you know ... without intent ... or through carelessness ...
often with unfortunate results.
On a different Sunday drive home ... Jessi interrupted my silent pondering.
"Turn it up, Mom! It's Abbi's favorite song!" she cried.
I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right ...
Riding along, I was flashing back to a Sunday several months ago. It was October 2 ... to be exact.
Drew was up there on the platform ... talking about loving people, loving God.
Then the music came up ... and he was doing his best Michael Jackson improv!
It was electric!
Drew produced a prop. It was a mirror. And he was asking us to take a look at ourselves ...
Drew was up there on the platform ... talking about loving people, loving God.
I'm a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time I realize ...
A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed out dream ...
Drew produced a prop. It was a mirror. And he was asking us to take a look at ourselves ...
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a
CHANGE!
He attempted to write some affirmations on the mirror. Things that God says when He looks at us.
It was an epic fail from a performance standpoint.
The lights kept reflecting off the mirror ... casting some blinding flashes back into the audience.
So Drew gave up on what had seemed like a great idea in the beginning ... and simply read off the affirmations:
God says ...
I love you.
I am grateful for you.
You are rare and beautiful.
I forgive you.
I will pour my grace & mercy out on you ... every new day.
I have a special calling for you.
I am cheering for you.
I BELIEVE in you
... that what He says ... every time He looks at each and every one of us ... every single day.
Drew promised that there was more to come ... along these lines ... in the weeks ahead.
I went home that Sunday. I created my own mirror. Just like the one that failed for Drew. And it has been propped up against various walls ... looking for a good position ... since that day.
I have been waiting for Drew to continue that series. So far, it hasn't happened.
Other messages have taken precedence, it seems.
Or maybe the setback was a discouragement that seemed more like a roadblock than an obstacle.
So fast forward... to that Sunday in February when Jessi & I were jamming ...
... and reflecting on a Sunday in October.
Yes, the pun was intended.
Upon arriving home, I walked inside to find that Roland had spent the morning trying to bring some order to the chaos that has followed Jessi's return to the house. There has been a huge
re-arranging of closet and drawer space ... from upstairs to downstairs. An extra dresser has been brought in for some of my things which displaced the nice standing mirror that I have enjoyed for so long.
As I left that morning for church I had bemoaned the fact that I had no mirror in the bedroom that I could see myself in as I was dressing.
The song was still in my head as I turned the corner ...
... and there it was ... positioned perfectly on top of the dresser ... was MY mirror ... ready for me to see myself ... as I really am ... and ... as God sees me!
Caught off-guard ... as always ... by the outlandish sense of humor of my best friend, God,
Creator of the Universe ... I was immediately wrapped in the warmth of His never-ending love for me.
Unbeknownst to Roland ... God used him ... to bless me!
I could hear Him laughing out loud ... "Who'd you think taught Michael Jackson those moves any way?!" ... as He moon-walked out the door ...
It was an epic fail from a performance standpoint.
The lights kept reflecting off the mirror ... casting some blinding flashes back into the audience.
So Drew gave up on what had seemed like a great idea in the beginning ... and simply read off the affirmations:
God says ...
I love you.
I am grateful for you.
You are rare and beautiful.
I forgive you.
I will pour my grace & mercy out on you ... every new day.
I have a special calling for you.
I am cheering for you.
I BELIEVE in you
... that what He says ... every time He looks at each and every one of us ... every single day.
Drew promised that there was more to come ... along these lines ... in the weeks ahead.
I went home that Sunday. I created my own mirror. Just like the one that failed for Drew. And it has been propped up against various walls ... looking for a good position ... since that day.
I have been waiting for Drew to continue that series. So far, it hasn't happened.
Other messages have taken precedence, it seems.
Or maybe the setback was a discouragement that seemed more like a roadblock than an obstacle.
So fast forward... to that Sunday in February when Jessi & I were jamming ...
You gotta get it right, while you got the time
'Cause when you close your heart
You can't close your ... your mind!
... and reflecting on a Sunday in October.
Yes, the pun was intended.
Upon arriving home, I walked inside to find that Roland had spent the morning trying to bring some order to the chaos that has followed Jessi's return to the house. There has been a huge
re-arranging of closet and drawer space ... from upstairs to downstairs. An extra dresser has been brought in for some of my things which displaced the nice standing mirror that I have enjoyed for so long.
As I left that morning for church I had bemoaned the fact that I had no mirror in the bedroom that I could see myself in as I was dressing.
The song was still in my head as I turned the corner ...
You've got to ...
You've got to move! Come on! Come on!
You got to ...
Stand up! Stand up! Stand up!
Stand up and lift yourself now!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Caught off-guard ... as always ... by the outlandish sense of humor of my best friend, God,
Creator of the Universe ... I was immediately wrapped in the warmth of His never-ending love for me.
Unbeknownst to Roland ... God used him ... to bless me!
I could hear Him laughing out loud ... "Who'd you think taught Michael Jackson those moves any way?!" ... as He moon-walked out the door ...
You know it!
You know it!
You know it!
You know ...
Make that change!
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(c) March 2017
