And my feet hurt. From standing up ... so much of the time ... lately.
One of my current gigs ... involves me using a dryer ... in a laundry room ... as a desk. I stand up next to it ... and attempt to do my work ... in between the folding of the towels.
And most of the time it's running.
The last couple of days ... involved 10 hour stretches in a trade show booth ... that involved ... running as well.
That's why my feet hurt. And I am tired.
Tired typically brings out the lonely in me. It's awkward and uncomfortable. And at times it causes me to reach out in random ways ... that leave me a little vulnerable.
This time was no different. Someday ... it will be different ... maybe. Just not today.
Donald suggested that I visit www.beautysalonsink.com because he was sure that would be where I would find a shampoo sink to install in the bathroom as I continue to remodel. It struck me as funny ... when he said it.
Actually, it's a brilliant idea ... and something that would bring great joy to my household.
So today ... I went there. And, of course, it ... the website ... didn't exist.
Somehow that would have been too simple.
At church this morning, Del spoke of living out of your spirit ... being who God created you to be. Definitely my kind of message. Yet, my mind wandered. I simply couldn't focus.
Not today. I am tired. Feeling a little overwhelmed. And alone.
The punchline managed to capture my attention.
We spend all of this time trying to find ourselves
when all we really need is to be reminded who we are ...
Or something like that.
It resonated deeply. It was a simple paraphrase of the theme from the conversation I had last night ... when I played the "I-am-lonely-and-I've-had-a-glass-of-wine-so-I-am-calling-you" game.
There's a validation in there ... somewhere ... I am sure. If I ponder it long enough.
Tired. And lonely. Often make me a little afraid as well.
What if I am traveling down the wrong path? What if what I am doing isn't really what I am supposed to be doing at all? What if I am really NOT touching lives ... making a difference?
Abbi posted a picture after her walk on the beach today. In her hand were her beach glass treasures. The first find of the day was a lovely piece of blue.
That was one of the first ways God shared smiles with me as my adventure in faith began. I would walk on the beach ... and talk outloud ... and I would know that I was being validated ... when I would chance up on a piece of blue beach glass.
And so it was today ... I chanced upon Abbi's piece of blue ... in the midst of my shilly-shallying.
A phone call from a new friend ... brought a balm of kindness. There was no way she could have known ... how important her words were going to be to me ... or how desperately I needed to hear them ... today.
Then I wandered downstairs ... and into the closing scenes of TOP GUN.
I sat in the chair and wept. You see, I AM Maverick.
I have confidence. I know that I am good at what I do. There's a difference between confidence & arrogance. Confidence is grounded in faith & belief. Arrogance, on the other hand, is pompous & pretentious.
Confidence can be shaken. That's what happens to Maverick. That's what's happening to me.
I have ghosts ... that haunt me. I have high ideals ... high standards ... that are seemingly impossible to live up to at times. Mine is a legacy of insecurity & self-doubt. I am searching for the desires of my heart ... knowing that I have no idea what those desires look like or where to begin to find them.
Like Maverick ... I have had setbacks ... have let others down ... have failed in epic fashion. In other words, I have crashed & burned. I have lost confidence ... questioned my worth ... found myself paralyzed by fear.
Even though I know it's coming ... it always stirs my soul when ... Maverick re-engages. When he stops over-thinking ... and instinctively does ... what he was born to do.
In that moment ... lives are touched ... differences are made ... and he finally finds his way home.
Highway to the danger zone
I'll take you
Ridin' into the danger zone
You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until you get it up as high as you can go
I'll take you
Ridin' into the danger zone
You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until you get it up as high as you can go
Dinner with a friend ... and a friend-of- my-friend. In less than a hour, stories were shared ... of great joy and great sorrow. My best friend, God, Creator of the Universe joined us there.
He laughed with us. The messages were so clear. And so was the Truth.
She ... the friend of my friend ... told me about her comic book boyfriend. He inks stories about a super-hero ... of sorts. The storyline involves the death of a man in a church fire. He is later reborn and wanders around, totally disfigured, in search of his truth. He touches people and is then tortured by the sins of those he touches.
That's the name of the comic book ... that the friend-of-my-friend told me about at dinner.
I kid you not.
"Have I not commanded you, be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
~ Joshua 1:9
I am still tired. Lonely. Vulnerable. Wandering around ... touching people ... on the road that leads to nowhere ... the highway to the danger zone..
www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) March 2013
