Where Are You Christmas?

Two angels.  Top my tree.  Always.

Two very special angels ... one blonde ... one brunette ...
it's a family tradition.

Surprisingly, it wasn't my idea.  It was their father's idea.
It's important to give credit where credit is due.


There have always been an abundance of angels in our house.  My collection started when I was just a small girl and my own father lovingly called me ... Angel Fluff.

Once Abbi came along ... so did some delightful angels ... that belong to her.  One of them ... a blonde beauty in a velvet dress ... graced the top of the tree.

Each year, the tree was installed in it's stand ... and the lights strung on the branches ...then  the decorating was left to me.  Until it was time to put the angel up on top.  That was always Dad's job. He was taller ... and he took great joy in the specialness of the task.


He said something like "There she is ... my Abbi-angel!"... as he began to position her in the branches. And Abbi said, "What about Jess-A-Mine?"  (That's what she called Jessi that first year.)

Never missing a beat ... he wandered over to the counter where all of the Christmas pretties were spread out ... and spotted a sweet brunette angel.  Picking her up, he secured the angels together in what appears to be a sister-hug.  With a kiss on her cheek, he declared her ...  his Jessi-angel.

Together ... the Abbi-angel and the Jessi-angel ... were carefully perched on top of the tree.

In that a moment ... out of love & laughter ... a family tradition was born.

Christmas.  I've always loved Christmas.

The trimmings.  The trees.  Baking.  Old memories.  Making new memories.  And all of the traditions. Season after season ... full of hope, joy and love.

It's been many a year now ... since I've been able to feel Christmas. And I wonder, what are you supposed to do with those family traditions ... when that family no longer exists?

The first couple of years ... after the ice storm ...  the best I could do was put up the tree.  If it hadn't been for Jessi ... I might not have even managed that.  The last couple of years ... I have made the effort to at least rummage through ALL of the boxes ... shuffling ... sorting ... and selecting a few more things each year ... to bring out ... in an effort to recapture the joy.

A live tree kind of gal.  That's me.  There was never an artificial tree in my home ... not when I was single ... not when we were a young family ... no matter where we lived ... we always managed to find a great ... live ... tree.

The Arkansas years were always special ... we'd go tramping through the woods with Uncle Bill and Uncle John ... make our selection ... cut it down ... and bring it home.  Even that one Christmas ... early on ... that the girls and I spent alone, we went to the farm ... and we had a real tree.

I'm not sure why I've denied myself ... the real tree ...during these years.  Somehow it has seemed like too much trouble.  Of course, when I recount all of my humorous artificial tree stories I realize that none of my ... real live trees ... have ever been as much trouble as all of them!

Hindsight tells me that it's because I haven't really been ... living.  My heart's been frozen ... far from fully ... alive.

Heard a discussion on the radio a week or so ago ... about real trees versus artificial ones.  The numbers were heavily weighted towards fake trees ... for a variety of reasons.  One caller observed
that ... faux is the new real.

There I was ... sitting in traffic ... with tears running down my face ... as the reality of the situation set in.  I've been trying to ... bluff my way ... through Christmas.  Not in a full blown pretender kind of way ... not even in a fake-it-til-you-make-it fashion.

Just enough ... of the way we were ... to satisfy Jessi ... and not enough ... reason for the season ... for my heart to heal.

And, of course, right on cue ... came that song .... on the radio .. you know, the station that insists on playing continuous ... holiday ... music but no Christmas carols.  Guess they, too, are selling out to the whole ... faux is the new real ... concept.

Where are you, Christmas?

Why can't I find you?

Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter

you used to bring me?

Why can't I hear the music play?

My life is changing

I'm re-arranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where Are You Christmas? Faith Hill

The song gets to the heart ... of my situation.  And, of course, that's it ... that's what you have to do ... re-arrange.  And, yes, MaryJane, that means Christmas changes, too.

In her own way, Jessi has been sharing her heart.  It's been a long time coming.  She's finally saying ... outloud ... the troublesome things that she's been carrying around ...
trying to figure out on her own.

In a moment of total distress, she emphatically stated ... that she was sad because ...
"I really love Christmas, Mom!"

With her words, the final shards of ice ... that have been holding my heart hostage ... splintered and shattered. It took me a day or two to realize ... that it wasn't actually my heart ... breaking.  Sure, it sort of felt like that ... there was quite a bit of pain.

Pain is a sign of healing. Healing means my heart is ... breaking ... free.  It's part of the process of getting my whole heart back.

For the first time,  Jessi & I are both being real.  Together we are grieving the loss of Christmas' past. We are accepting that things are never going feel the way they used to be.  And that's ok.

This Christmas has already taken on a life of it's own.  So I am going to simply go with the flow.

Each box will be unpacked ... we will pick & choose the things that make us happy ... that conjure up memories that make us smile.  And those things that hurt too much ... well, I'm not sure what we will do with those things.  

Maybe Abbi will want some of them.  Her life ... her memories ... aren't all tangled up with ours right now.  Or possibly we will share a few of them with their Dad.  There are bound to be some empty spots in his Christmas' these days, too.  

Next year ... I am going to have a  ... real ... tree.
And up on top ... will be a single angel ...
one that Abbi gave to me.

A new tradition ...

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
(c) December 2012 

Do You See What I See?

For weeks now, I have been pondering a simple question.  It's a childlike one.

Why did God create the night sky ... to look like ... that?

The closer I walk with God ... the more I become aware that nothing is really as it seems.  Nothing is random either.  There are no chance creations.  The more complex it appears ... the more likely that it's simplicity holds powerful answers.

God is the master of ... simplicity.  It's people who make things so complicated ... and hard.

So on clear summer nights ... cool, crisp winter ones ... and all of the evenings in between ... I marvel at the beauty of the stars ... the planets ... the universe.  I am totally enamored with the moon .. especially glorious full moons.

The most recent one offered up a week of brilliant luminoisty.  Shining ... clear ... enlightening.

I see the moon.

The moon sees me.

God bless the moon.

And God bless me.

I look heavenward ... on any given night ... to find the moon ... the stars .. all of the universe ... simply there.  Sure ... the elements move ... re-position themselves ... as the earth travels through it's orbit ... it's continuous rotation ... season after season ...

... yet ...

... the heavens remain the same ... constant ... from everlasting to everlasting.

There is comfort in the knowledge that the changes in the stars ... really aren't changes ... simply new perspectives ... based on the the weather ... the time of year ... the wherever I am ... now.

Outside ... looking up ... all I see are the lights.  Shining.  

Behind the lights are stars ... and planets ... and galaxies ... and who really knows what life ... or lack of living ... is taking place ... on the other side ... of those lights.

There are also patches of sky ... that are a little less lit.  Dim flickerings ... can sometimes be seen ... if I look really hard.  And in some cases, there is nothing but ... dark.

Dark is the absence of light.

Imagine you are taking a plane ride at night.  Once the pilot reaches the correct altitude .. you are simply traveling along there amidst the clouds ... above the world as we know it.

From the window, you look ... down.  All you see are the lights.

Bright lights. Dim lights.  Lights that are flickering ... struggling to stay lit ... or to be seen.  Large clusters of lights ... random lights scattered across the landscape ... patches of dark in between.

Photo by Paul Henry

That's what God sees.  

When He looks down on us.

The lights.

He's not seeing the things we find ourselves so focused on.  It's not the villages or farms ... castles or caves ... updown or downtown ... or any of the things we've made so important ... the what-we-haves ... or the what-we-have-nots ... that He sees.

From where He sits.  It's all the same.  Either there's light ... or there's a lack of light. 

Pure & simple.  He delights in the light.  He grieves the darkness.

In the beginning God made from nothing the heavens and the earth.

The earth was an empty waste and darkness was over the waters.

And the Spirit of God was moving over the top of the waters.

Then God said, "Let there be light", 

And there was light.

God saw that the light was good.

He divided the light from the darkness.

~Genesis 1-4

Stars have cast light on the comings & goings of the universe ... since time began.  

God created the stars ... God created light ... then God created man.

Candles have cast light on the progress of man for centuries. Man created candles to cast out the darkness that surrounds him.

It's better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.  All the darkness of the world can not extinguish the light of a single candle.

God created man. He placed His light within each soul. His light is love. Love is God within us.  

We are His candles.  The brighter the light ... the greater the love ... flowing through us.

From God's perspective ... the only thing that matters is ... the brightness of the lights.

When He sees a patch of darkness ... He lights a candle.  Thousands of candles can be lighted by one single candle flame.

God knows that.

So why did God create the heavens ... to look like a sea of lights ... shifting & adjusting from season to season .. dimming & brightening based on circumstances or conditions? Why doesn't He allow us to see the hustle bustle .. the energy ... the activity ... the wealth or poverty ... behind each star ... defining each galaxy?  Why does He tell us to ... look up ... when we are searching for answers ... seeking Him?

Possibly it's because  He wanted us to have a mirror image ... a living, constant reflection ... of what He sees when He looks in on us.  To give us a clear picture ... a simple visual reminder ... night after night ... of the purpose of our lives.

Clearly ... at the end of the day ... it's the brightness of our light ... the other candles lit ... the glow of the love flowing out from us ... that matters.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

We look up to the skies ... seeking God ... & we marvel at the lights.  

God looks down from the skies ...reaching out to us ... & He delights ... in the lights.  

Pun intended. No doubt.

For delight is ... something that brings great pleasure ... joy ... a high degree of 

gratification and satisfaction.  

Lights in the world ... delight the Lord.

From age to age ... He remains the same.  He's really not terribly concerned with material things ... or technology ... or money ... or power ... or creature comforts.  Civilizations come and go ... and kingdoms rise and fall..  Man continues to invent things ... real things ... intangible things ... creations that confuse & distort ... the simplicity of ... what is really important.  

Things destroy man ... time after time

The stars move across the heavens ... in deliberate rhythms & patterns ... that defy our understanding.  From beginning ... to end ... the celestial wonders of the night sky ... spin & twirl ... travel their paths ... dim & flare ... forever constant ... a reflection of God's perspective ... of us.

You are holy, 

great and mighty.

The moon and the stars

declare who You are.

I'm so unworthy

but still You love me.

Forever my heart will sing

of how great You are.

All glory ... honor ... and power is Yours. Amen.

~Cannons byPhil Wickham.

As I move towards .. what's coming next ... I am reflecting on ... the luminosity of my light ...

And it occurs to me ... that the light ... really isn't at the end of the tunnel.  It's right here. 

Where I am.  

It's now.

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c)December 2012