The Last Word

It was Sunday morning.  I was sipping coffee and reviewing my week.  Re-visiting emails ... status posts ... and other messages that I had received from various other sources.

Pondering ... I gradually became aware that I was not alone.  At some point, He had entered the room ... and was sitting nearby.  Close enough for me to feel His presence ... yet just enough distance to not intrude.

A warmth rushed over me ... a peace, if you will ... and it made me smile.

At the time I tried to turn a phrase ... that described it ... I was at a loss for words.

A quick look at Facebook ... and there on a friend's wall was one of those little sticker things ... it read:
  

True friendship is sitting together in silence & coming away feeling 
like it was the best conversation you ever had.

And I thought ... that's close ... but not quite ... it.

I went back to my reflection.  Have you ever had one of those times in your life ... when every thing seems to run out ... all at once?

That's where I am at.  Out of direction ... out of focus ... out of purpose ... out of sync ...

Do you see a pattern in your love life?  That's the subject line in one of the emails that I put in my  take-a-look-at-later folder.  It struck me as funny at the time ... even though I never even opened it.

You see, I was sure that it was either an invitation to an online dating site ... or for a reading with a cyber psychic ...  neither of which were really necessary ... to decipher my love life.

It's patternless.

That's not really a word ... according to Webster.  Again, I smiled.

Go a little deeper.  Look for the pattern ... in your love ... in your life.  It came as a whisper along with a gentle nudge.

So I did.  I spent some time there ... and marveled at all of the love ... in my life. 

Shortly I moved on ... to some more saved emails .. with subject lines that had caught my eye during the week.

Be enthusiastic about your work.  That was the next one.  Not really sure what caused me to save that one for a later read.  I try to embrace each day with positivity and  enthusiasm.  Even though I am not really sure at the moment ... what my work is ... my enthusiasm compensates for that lack of clarity.

At least I like to think so.

Maybe I simply saved it as affirmation of sorts.  A re-assurance that somehow I was getting something right ... on occasion.

It seemed like a natural progression ... that the next one was ... Success: Do You Have It?

Supernatural is probably more like it.

This season of indecision ... and uncertainty ... and endings with no obvious beginnings ... doesn't really feel like success.  I continue to remind myself that I have never measured success in the traditional sense of money ... and things ... and comfort.

Feeling successful to me has always been more about encouragement, challenges met, obstacles overcome, lives touched, differences made ...

On Sunday.  I wasn't really feeling  ... success ... by any definition.

Took another break from my pondering .... to scroll down my wall again.  And, voila ... there was another friend ... with another sticker thingy ...

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.”
~Maya Angelou

 

And, of course, there was another nudge ... another whisper ... What do you make of that, MJ?

 

It was hard to argue ... unsuccessful ... at that point.  The rewards might not be there ... by any stretch of the imagination ... and it may take a little more pump priming to get the flow started ... still ... all in all ... by that very definition ... I AM a success.

So I said it outloud ... quietly at first ... i am a success ... as if I wasn't totally convinced.  The prompting came immediately.

Say it like you mean it, MaryJane.

So I did.  I said it confidently.  And I moved on.

The room had become warm & cozy.  His presence was enveloping me.  It felt nice.  And safe. I had time for one more selection ... before I headed out to Grace. 

 Turn your work into worship.

Wow.  I had to re-read that subject line ... a couple of times.  And let it sink in.

For the record ... it's often not what's in the emails that show up ... in their timely fashions ... that are significant to me.  It's mostly the titles ... and the thoughts they provoke ... the questions they raise ... as I struggle to find my answers ...

This one hit a little close to home.  Somewhat defensively, I argued that I am already doing that ... well, aren't I?  I am determined to make a living out of giving. I am pursuing the positivity & possibilities of people ... rather than the systematic process of making money. My personal mission statement is touching lives and making a difference. 

Surely I am making the right choices ... 

There were no nudges ... or whispers on this one.  

It was time to be going ... and apparently during my justified rebuttal, He had taken His leave ... 

So my venue changed ... my pondering continued ... and the praise team began to sing.  I knew all of the songs ... there I was multi-tasking ... lost in my thoughts but singing along ... 

It's just you and me here now,
Just you and me ... here ... now.

That's it, I thought.  That's exactly how it felt this morning ... when He was sitting with me ... not saying a word ... just the two of us ... here ... now.

Stop making it so hard, MJ, when it's really so simple.  Give it ALL to me.

There He was whispering ... and nudging me ... during the service ... after I had spent quite a few minutes in the car ... explaining to Jessi & Donald why they needed to be more mindful of doing that very thing.

He does things like that on purpose ... to get my attention.

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I'm leaving here.
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delight, be my everything.

It was a powerful ... emotional ... exchange.  I made a note of it in my journal ... so that I can come back to it ... a spiritual marker.

Worship Me ... through your work, MaryJane. It sounded so obvious ... and simple ... when He put it like that.

Over the last week, I have been writing down daily action steps in the morning ... and then recapping the outcomes in the evening.  It's part of an intentional process that's intended to help me accelerate a personal moving forward ... with my work.

It has been an interesting process.  Helpful in some regards.  Rigid and confining, in others.

Sitting there waiting on Del to began speaking, I decided that I needed to re-think my daily action steps ... based on the direction that He had just given me.  

It's ok since this whole thing has been an experiment of sorts ... therefore, this coming week I will find ways to incorporate worship in each of my action steps.

That's my intent.  Even though I have no idea how that's going to look ... or feel ... yet.

After worrying my way through some pretty troublesome and confusing thoughts ... I now had a plan of sorts.  It was a relief to know that whatever Del had to say was most likely going to be for someone else ...this time.

It was special ... (yes, the pun is intended) ... that Del was speaking without notes.  He let us know that before he began.  He said this was such a personal message for him that he was going to wing it ... and share whatever God laid on his heart.

Del spoke about the stronghold of a wounded heart.  And the need to discover our own specialness with God.  It was a great message ... and I found hope and encouragement there.  However, it was not aimed directly at me.

Time came to take communion.  I was a little distracted with reminding Jessi to take the tray with both hands if she wanted to serve the others. You see, holding the tray ... offering the sacraments to the others ... is a very real part of Jessi's worship.

After we settled back in our seats ... Del returned to the platform ... poised and ready to pray ... then randomly wandered over into what I would call an ... afterthought.  

"You have an incredible opportunity (MaryJane) ... to be an instrument of God ... \to use whatever talents & gifts you have ... to touch someone's life ... 
and make them feel special.
  I challenge YOU (MJ) to act on every opportunity 
to make someone feel special!" 

Just a little ... something ... that God ... laid upon his heart, I'm guessing. And I distinctly heard the "MaryJane" and "MJ" ... spoken aloud.

It happens a lot ... between God, Del & me. I never know for sure whether anyone else hears the words ... exactly the same way ... or whether He simply says them to me.

Make people feel special.  That's your work, MaryJane. It's really that simple. Turn your work ... into worship ... love people, love me.

The whisper turned into something more like a giggle as my mind wandered back to the direct question posed in an email earlier in the week ... "Did you ever meet someone who always had to have the last word?"

Well, yes, I do happen to know someone ... exactly like that. Always on cue ... He delivers the punchline ... time after time ...He is the master of the consummate last word.

Today is Monday.  I walked before dawn ... watching for the meteor showers ... for the second morning in a row.  There was no light show for me.  

All of my work ... beginning today ... will be worship ... and ...
I will ... worship ... you, Lord.  Only you.

www.lifelessons-mj-blogspot.com

(c) october 2012

 

Puzzling the piece ...

I carry the pieces ... to my puzzle ... around in a ziplock bag.

For real.  I wouldn't kid about a thing like that.

It started out as a practical measure ... a long time ago.

You see, Jessi's always been a puzzle-piecing kind of gal.

Before she could talk to us ... in a language we could understand ... she was putting together puzzles.  She'd dump all of the pieces out on the table ... arrange & re-arrange ... until the picture was complete.

She quickly became bored with the ones with fewer, larger pieces .. designed for a child's hands ... and mind.  It was obvious ... even at a very early age ... that she was a master puzzler!

Left to her own devices, she'd drag the 100 ... 500 ... even 1000 piece puzzles out of the closet.  After removing the lid ... she'd scatter those pieces out ... and start matching them up.

Proof positive that she's my daughter ... drawn to the challenge ... with confidence & enthusiasm.

It's amazing still ... how keen her eye is ... to the shapes ... the colors.  She can put together a whole section inside the puzzle ... while I am still trying to figure out how the border pieces fit together ... thinking that's the best place to start since they all have a common straight edge.


Thing is ... as adept as she is to the complexities of puzzle piecing ... she is a lousy box opener.  Figuring out how to lift the lid ... all four sides evenly ... is not a part of her skill set.

She has the same problem with opening gifts.

Consequently, she approaches all package opening in the same fashion ... she gets ahold of one edge ... and rips her way inside ... with reckless abandon.

Works great when you aren't planning to use the box again ... but not so great for puzzle storage.

Such was the beginning of the ziplock puzzle bag habit ... at our house.  All puzzles, after the first visit, are bagged up for safe-keeping.

I know you must be wondering how she tells them apart once they are all bagged up. I don't have a good answer for that ... except to say that Jessi can look at the bag of hundreds of shapes & colors ... and know exactly what picture is inside.

It's simple to her, somehow ... yet the challenge for those of us who sort of need the box lid as a guide ... increases in the process.

One Christmas, Jessi got TWO  500 piece Wizard of Oz puzzles ... different pictures but made by the same company ... so the characters and colors all looked the same.

Everyone who knows Jessi ... knows how much she loves the movie ... and the story ... and the characters!  

For years she added us all into her own storyline ... her dad was the Cowardly Lion, her sister was the Scarecrow, and Pete the Mighty Dog was Toto.  Jessi, of course, was Dorothy ... adventuring down her personal yellow brick road.

And I ...

I had the dubious honor of being the Icky Ole Witch.  That's like a cross between Glinda the beautiful Witch of the North ... and the nameless Wicked Witch of the West who was actually Elvira Gulch in disguise.  

Jessi would start her imaginary story ... and she would name off her cast of characters ... and every time she would get to me ... she would throw her head back and laugh uproariously ... and boldly declare that I was the ... Icky Ole Witch.

It's a family term of endearment ... that I treasure. When I have grandchildren ... it is my desire to be known lovingly as Icky ... by the next generation as well.

Back to the puzzles.

After ripping open both Wizard of Oz boxes ... at one time ... the pieces of the two puzzles were mixed together.  It was very frustrating to me ... anyone could see that it was going to be impossible to ever put either of them together again ...

Both gifts were ruined. At least in my eyes.

Those Wizard of Oz puzzles continue to be amongst Jessi's favorites.

From time to time, she still drags that ziplock bag out ... and puzzles them together ... the two separate pictures ... from pieces that all look the same ... even though many have been lost along the way.

Which brings us to ... MY bag of puzzle pieces ...

Over time ... through move after move ... those bags of puzzle pieces have seen a lot of action.  And each year ... new puzzles are added to Jessi's arsenal.

It's been quite common over the years for me to find ... missing pieces ... in random, obscure places. Under beds, in corners, beneath couch cushions, in pockets ...
 
A few years back ... things changed around here ... leaving just me & her ... to face life on our own.  And a lot of re-arranging began ... I have found myself gathering ... examining ... discarding ... bits & pieces of .. me.

The final boxes from our Outer Banks days were drug in and sorted out ... an assortment of cartons, bags & piles of stuff left by those who moved on to new lives were tackled ... it has been a never ending process of packing ... and unpacking ... boxes from the garage, the storeroom, the upstairs, the downstairs ... resulting in the discovery that lots of pieces ... to her puzzles .. have somehow been ... let out of their bags.

I'm not sure why ... or when ... I started picking them up ... and tossing them into a ziplock of their own.  It was most likely during one of my cleaning out ... re-organizing ... sprees.  An unconscious gesture ... possibly even thinking that somehow I would return the pieces to their rightful homes ... since some of them were obvious.

Yeah, it is obvious where some of the pieces came from ... which picture they belonged to ... once upon a time.  Others ... not so clearly defined ... are going to be a little harder to figure out ... and then to decide if they are worth keeping around ... or not.

One day ... I picked up the bag ... thinking I should decide what to do with all of the mismatched pieces ...  and in a flash ... it hit me ...

This bag of rag-tag ... random ... pieces ... belonging to pictures from the past ... long-lost stragglers ... is a reminder that once out of the box ... out of the bag ... it's impossible to go back ... to where you once were ... before.

So I have kept the bag ... and keep adding to it ... as the opportunity arises.  It's one of my favorite props when I talk to groups about change ... and possibilities ... and hope.

It's been awhile since I've found any stray pieces ... around the house ... and in my life.  This past year has been focused on sorting through my collection.

I dump them out and re-arrange them ... often.  Literally ... and figuratively.  And there's no doubt that just as these pieces are missing from their original puzzles ... MY picture ... of the life I want to be living ... is still missing some pieces, as well.


The other day ... I found one ... a long-lost piece ... on the floor of the bathroom upstairs.  Keep in mind that the floor has been ripped out for months & months ... waiting to have some water damaged boards repaired.

So it's not like it's been hiding out there ... for a long time ... or anything.

It just appeared one day ... right in the middle of the floor.

A well-worn, ragged ... puzzle piece.  It's generic in color ... and it's arduous journey has been such that the colored paper top is slipping off of the cardboard base ... giving it a totally disheveled  look.

As I reached down ... awed to find it there ... wondering where the heck it had been ... and how it managed to turn up ... right there ... right now ...
the giggle started ...

You see, I am once again in a quandary ... as to what's coming next .. and how everything is supposed to fit ... in my picture ...

"Pick it up, MJ!  Put it in your bag! Don't you get it?!?!"

The laughter became louder ... and deeper ...

"It's YOUR missing ... puzzle piece!"

Of course .. it is.  It's the part of me that's been through the battle ... wallowing in the mud ... drenched ... then left to dry ... battered ... scarred ... imperfect ...

Yet stubbornly intact ... ready for what's coming next ...

So I put it in MY bag of puzzle pieces.

It's my story, after all ...

... and I can choose to  believe that I have left a trail of puzzle pieces ... instead of crumbs ... to lead me back ... to myself ... the MJ that I really like ...

... if I want to ...

Jessi teaches me so many things. About life.  About love.  About myself.

... and one of these days ... I will spread my pieces out on the table ...
and every single piece will fit ... perfectly!

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com
October 2012