There's No Place Like Home ...

Imagine my surprise ... last week ... on my last run-through before Thanksgiving at the local, family-owned grocery store near my house. I rounded the corner of the produce aisle &  found a display of peanuts.
Not just ANY peanuts ... Jimbo's Jumbos peanuts !!!

Yes, indeed.  I bought some.  Just because .... yeah ... just because.

Those peanuts were the catalyst for a lot of soul-searching ... and scab picking ... throughout the rest of the week. You know sometimes, you just rip the band-aid off ... flake the crusty scab ... and realize that that wound you've been worrying over for so long has actually healed ... on it's own ... without you even knowing it ...

... and THAT's something to be thankful for ...

Jimbo's Jumbos.  Finding those peanuts whisked me back to a Thanksgiving a long, long time ago ... in a far away land ...  when I was a young, idealistic woman ... with goals & dreams ... learning to be bold ... confident ... independent ... determined ...

... to take on the world ... to make a difference ... with my smiles ...

Yes.  That was me.  I found it written exactly that way ... on a To Do list  ... stuck in an old journal that I ran across recently while turning my house upside down.

It caught me off-guard ... stunned that I didn't remember ... something as important as that.

"Success" & all its trappings were all over that list,  I must admit ...

Success was defined differently by me then ... much different from how I see it today...

That Thanksgiving was the very first one I ever spent away from home.  I had moved to Edenton, North Carolina earlier in the year.  It was a long way from Edenton to Little Rock.  So I had decided to make the trip home at Christmas ... not Thanksgiving.

Even though I had been on my own for a few holiday seasons before that Thanksgiving ... living in Dallas ... getting home really hadn't ever been a problem ...

This was my first taste of REAL LIFE interferring with my being where I wanted to be  ... when I wanted to be there.  It was killing me.

Oh yeah.  About the peanuts.  Jimbo's Jumbos come from Edenton, NC.  It is one of the primary businesses in that sleepy little town ... full of history ... colonial history, peanut history & MY history ...

I wasn't the only one having a problem with the whole Thanksgiving thing.  My mom & my grandmother, Mimi, weren't too happy about the thought of an MJless turkey  day either.  So they loaded up the truck and headed to ... well, actually they flew into Raleigh ... but you get the picture.

... funny, I am sure that I knew at the time ... but I honestly don't remember what the rest of the family did for Thanksgiving that year ...

So that's how it happened ... that I learned how to cook a turkey & all of the fixins'  in my very own kitchen ... the way Mimi always did it ... on that first grown-up Thanksgiving ...

Edenton, North Carolina.  Home of the Jimbo's Jumbos.  Changed. My. Life.

A couple of years later ... there was that Christmas ... in Virginia Beach.  One of the most miserable Christmas' ever.  No real family.  No real friends. 

Lonely.  Lonely. 

And again, I couldn't go home.  It was just too far.  Twice that fall I had traveled back .. to say farewell to my father ... in real life ... in after life.

We were a struggling young couple ... with jobs that required a lot of time & didn't pay so much ... with a child on the way ...

Money was tight.  It simply wasn't possible.

Bottomline ... it wasn't going to be Christmas for me ... since I couldn't be at home ... with my Mimi ... and my Mom ... and my family ...

I was 20-something ... all grown up ... with a husband ... and the little girl in me was longing to go home ... for Christmas ... life was pretty lousy ... at 20-something.

Home.  Where I was safe & secure.  Always welcome.  And loved unconditionally.  That place that I could always run back to ... to tag up ... to regroup ... recharge ... before heading out again ... to search for those really important things in life ...

So I clicked my ruby slippers ... over and over again. 

"There's no place like home.  There's no place like home.  There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

Then early in December, the phone rang.  It was Mimi.

"Little darling ... do you want to come home for Christmas? "  "Yes, Mimi.  I do.  More than anything."  "I will make it happen."

And she did.  A small check in the mail ... that gave me the gift that money couldn't buy ... long before "priceless" became the buzz word for such things.

I can still hear her voice.  Today.  Nobody ever called me "Little Darling" ... nobody except for her.

There's no place like home.

The years went by.  No matter where I was Mimi always came to see me.  My Mom did, too.  And no matter what ... I always came back ... here  ... from whereever I was living ... because in my mind ... it was this place ... that was home.

It was just the way we loved ... each other .. in my family. 

Later, after Mimi left us ... things changed.  I still came back ... year after year ... even when the road ran one way ... because it was ... home ...

Except that it no longer felt that way ... at least not the way I remembered it.

I miss Mimi.  She always made me feel like it was all about me ... of course, I think I knew all along that it was really all about her ... either way ... it doesn't matter ... it felt good  ... plain & simple ... she loved me ... no matter what ...

There's no place like home.

So maybe it really wasn't the way we loved ... each other ... in my family.

Maybe it was simply the way SHE loved ... me.

I don't know.

It's going to be Christmas soon.  And my daughter will be coming to my house ... a place that will never feel like home to her.  Home ... to Abbi ... will always have an ocean view.

That's ok.  I get it. Honest.  I do.  It's all good.

And we will all go to my mother's house ... and we will enjoy being there ... with her ... at her house ... still it won't be the same ... as it was ... when it was home.

It's sad ... really.  How things change.  How they stay the same.

There's no place like home.

It's a special kind of love that transcends families ... where fresh starts abound ... and even though forgiveness isn't always easy it wins out in the end every time ... where nothing is ever more important than the relationships ... all the wrongs ... all the hurts ... while not forgotten are somehow gotten past ... because there's nothing more important ... than HOME.

Somehow home got lost along the way.  Or maybe it just wasn't as important to anyone else ... as it was to me. 

I have always tried to recapture that feeling  ... of home ... to serve it up ... at my house ... whereever that house was.  To open my heart ... to offer that unconditional love  ... To my family.  To my friends.

Somehow I thought if they could feel it ... than so would I ... yeah ... than so would I.

I have always wanted Abbi & Jessi to be wrapped up in that same kind of love that gave me the confidence ... to boldly go ... over the rainbow ... out-of-bounds ... to follow my dreams ... even when they turned out to be something less than I imagined.

And season-after-season ... I traveled back ... trying desperately to find ... my way ... home ...

You know ... right where I left it ... in a place where we had phone numbers ... not digits ... or contact lists ... phone numbers that started with prefixes like "FRanklin" and "MOhawk" ...

There's no place like home.

And there I was ... on Thanksgiving ... in a house ... in another place ... that always takes me back ...

Just me ... good friends  ... and that silly bag of  Jimbo's Jumbos.

And it came to me ... early one morning ... as the fog rolled across the lake ...

Maybe it's not really the way we loved ... each other ...  in my family.  And maybe it really wasn't simply the way Mimi loved ... me.  Either.

Maybe it's been ME all along.  Loving others the way I wanted to be loved.

I don't know. 

All I know is that going home is the journey I have been on ... for all of my adult life ... trying to find my way ... to that cozy, comfy place.  And all the roads that seem to have led me to nowhere ... are bringing me closer ... to where I want to be ... I am almost there ... I can feel it ...

Follow the yellow brick road ... FOLLOW the yellow brick road ... follow the yellow brick ROAD ...

Jessi gets it.  Home is whereever she feels safe ... accepted ... and loved.

It's as simple as that. 

So, yeah ... I ripped off that band-aid ... to find a wound that had healed ... all on it's own.  There's a still a little scar ... and that's ok ... cuz it really doesn't hurt .. not anymore.

Home doesn't always have an ocean view.  And it isn't always found in Little Rock ... even though that's where I thought I left it. 

And Jimbo's Jumbos still taste great ... we didn't find a bad nut in the bag.

And on Christmas morning ... we will all go to my mother's house ... the house that I used to think was home ... and maybe ... Santa will have a little extra Christmas magic ... there in his bag ... when he stops by ...

And as we share the traditional pound cake & coffee ..

Maybe ... just maybe ... we will ALL feel it ...

... the way we used to love ... each other .. in my family ...

Home.  It's that place where you find that all that really matters ... is what is found right there.  Home is ... plain & simply ... where the love is.

Now THAT would be a very Merry Christmas ... at least it would be ... for me.

There's no place like home.

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) November 2010

Homeward Bound ...

For a variety of reasons, my real family did things for Thanksgiving ... that weren't all together.  We're all grown-ups ... and have expanded families now.  And that's ok.

In a conversation with some of them earlier in the week, I had to explain to them what Thanksgiving was really all about for me. It's not necessarily the same for them. You see we are all wired differently ... and different things mean .. well, different things ... to each of us.

It's a common belief ... in my family ... that since my divorce ... and Abbi's marriage ... and all that's happened over the last few years ... that I don't really have a family of my own .... or a home ... or traditions.

Funny, how everyone else always thinks they know who you are ... and what you are thinking ... better than you know yourself. 

Sometime or other this weekend,  Alice In Wonderland was on in the background. The Tim Burton version. And Alice is being asked over and over and over ... "Who are you?"

Questioned ... challenged ... frustrated ... she replies, "From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not having to be Alice, but this is MY dream. I’ll decide where it will go from here."

I know exactly how she feels.

The truth is I do know who I am ... and have been finding my way back to a Mary Jane that I really, really like ... one with traditions ... and family ... life ... and a strong desire to be "home".

Yes, it has been different these last few years ... and there were a couple of years that I wouldn't have been able to pull off a frozen t.v. dinner ... without melting down completely.  And it's nice that an extra effort was made to let me know that I did have somewhere to go ... so that I didn't have to be at my house ... alone ... at those times.

Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is one of my very favorite family things to do. And it has been a let-down each year since my divorce to simply bring along a dish or two rather than busying about for days making all of my favorites and sharing my home & my heart with the people I love.

That's what I do.  That's who I am. 

It was my choice to spend the long weekend at the home of someone that I consider family. It's a long story ... how we are sorta-cousins. .. three generations from then - until now.

There's been a lot of hurt & betrayal & distance woven through the course of our friendship. It's nice to be at a place in time where the forgiveness & fondness overshadow the disappointments & let-downs.

It's a special kind of love that transcends families ... where fresh starts abound ... and even though forgiveness isn't always easy it wins out in the end every time ... where nothing is ever more important than the relationships ... all the wrongs ... all the hurts ... while not forgotten are somehow gotten past ... because there's nothing more important ... than "home".

It was comfortable. Familiar. Fun. It was good. And right. 

... and it was there ... this week ... that I realized where I want to be ...

... home ...

Home is place that's safe. Filled with love & acceptance. It's where you get to simply be you ... no pretense. And it's ok. No matter what. You're always wanted & welcome there. And if you're lucky, there's one someone special there who shares life with you. Home it's where you find that nothing else matters except for what is found there.

I was reminded of that this morning ... when Simon & Garfunkel's Homeward Bound was played ... at church ... and that's when it hit me  ... that's the journey I am on ...

... the road that appears to keep leading to nowhere ... it's really leading me HOME ...

So back to Thanksgiving ...

... there were turkey games galore ... turkey games are much like reindeer games ... just not talked about as much.

Gobble. Gobble.

The festivities started with the "making of the dressing" game. It's a long standing family tradition. It's a game I am pretty sure that I "won" based on the rules set forth by Aunt Julia ... not 100% positive, though ... lots of fuzzy places towards the end of the game ... and no one's shared the score with me ... at least not yet.

One thing I do know is that I let a couple of boomerangs fly ... a little too soon. I hate it when that happens. Cuz success in boomeranging is always in the timing & the toss. Oh, well. It is what it is. And who knows?!?! Maybe I blundered into the "right" time ... accidently ... that would definitely be a first for me ...

Time will tell.  It always does.

Card-playin' was on the agenda as well.  A lot of card playin'. Somehow that didn't really happen. There were some friendly hands of spades & Texas hold 'em that were lively & fun, though ... with two young but very strategic players. If we would have had the chips out, I am pretty sure the poker playing would have been extremely competitive and challenging!


Thanksgiving night was full of games, too.  First there was the "silent" game.  That wasn't any fun ... so I was really glad that Yahtzee prevailed.  There was a first time Yahtzee thrower in our midst so, of course, HE was graced with beginner's luck.

Seriously.  Every single time he rolled the dice, he came up with a Full House or a Straight.  Unbelievable.  Vegas, Baby! 

I, on the other hand, had not so much luck ... rolling the dice.  Still I kept in mind that the goal of the game was to Yahtzee!  Roll after lame roll ... I marked my less-than-mediocre numbers on the score sheet.  Then amidst the laughter & chatter ... I rolled three 2's ... lousy cuz I already had my 2s and an equally depressing 3-of-a-Kind.

On the second roll, I got another 2.  Wow!  I was actually going to make 4-of-a-Kind without having to scratch it off ... for a possible total of 14 pts.  Sheesh!

Than ... just like that ... I rolled the last 2 ... YAHTZEE! 

It was the only one of the game.  So I won. In the end.

Interesting.

Moved on to Apples to Apples.  First we were going to play until someone had 3 cards.  Than it was 5 cards.  Than it was until 9 p.m. And in the end we played 4 1/2 hours ...

It was a special time filled with love, laughter ... and healing.

For the record, there wasn't a HOMEless card ... or I would have have had it.  Still I had some interesting cards in my mix :

Cranky, generous, intelligent, kind, hopeless, cute, inspirational, distinguished (which I liked better than the companion card "dignified") ...

... and then there was that "create-your-own-card" that was thrown in for good measure ..."humpless" ... gotta feel the love when it comes from those who love ya ... I'm just saying.

Funny.  There wasn't a "happy" card in the box ... at least not that turned up in the hours that we played.

Again, Mr. I'm-New-To-The-Game was on a hot streak.  And I think everyone assumed he was going to be the winner when we totaled up the cards accumulated at the end. 

Nope.  It was me.  By one card.  Apparently it was the highly coveted "juicy" card that brought me the win.

... homeward bound ...

Of course, the entire week had been building up to the Razorback game on Saturday.  A game where the play was elevated by the possible outcome ... the Sugar Bowl.  And what a game it was.  Full of blunders & errors ... time clock issues ... still in the end, the Hogs won the game ... in spite of themselves ... in spite of the "lost" time ... they never lost sight of what was on the other side of the goal line ... the Sugar Bowl.

Somehow, the Razorback game is a complete and accurate analogy of my week of turkey games:  fumbles, overthrown passes, dropped balls, missteps on every drive ... and that whole "timing" thing ... yet they didn't let the unexpected ... or the obvious mistakes ... or miscalculated choices ... defeat them ...

Neither will I.

The action in football takes place in a set amount of game time ... so the end of the game is clearly defined ...

Not so much in life.

One of the similarities of football & boomeranging is the importance of  "timing" and the "toss".  Both the Hogs & I struggled with those things ... this time ...

Of course, the difference between football ... and boomeranging ... is the predictability of the outcome ... you know, where the thing's going to land or how long it's going to take to come back around .

Today, I am feeling pretty great.  I know what I want.  I know where I am heading.  It's ok that I am not like everyone else.

A lot of time was spent talking ... my sorta-cousin and I ... sharing things.  Things like the difference between satisfaction and happy.  Existing and living.  And why some people approach it all one way ... and others go about it completely different ... and all of us ... are looking for the same things ... and none of us are seeming to find it ...

Intellectual conversation.  Much like Apples-to-Apples.

I watch as so many people I care about rush about filling up their time and the emptiness in their lives with casual encounters ... meaningless flirtations ... friendships that are already ending before they even start ... wondering at the end of the day why they are still lonely ... even though they aren't alone.

... and gradually, over time, they are giving away the special things ... sharing pieces of their hearts randomly ... losing themselves along the way ... because ... well, just because ...

... it would be like playing Apples-to-Oranges ... and expecting to win.

I tried to explain what it was that I wanted and really didn't come up with it at the time.  This morning Del said in his message that one of the telltale signs that a couple is in trouble relationally is when they stop "enjoying" each other.

Yahtzee!  That's it!  I want to be be sharing my life with someone ... I want to ENJOY life with someone who fits me perfectly.

... and in our conversations, I finally said outloud somethings that I haven't really wanted to admit ... because once I said them ... I was going to have accept the truth.  Not so much bad things ... things that explain my confusion and frustration at times ... about the not-so-perfect man who fits me perfectly ...

It's affirmation that I AM different.  What I have to offer is rare & unique ... as long as I don't allow myself to give it away ... in little pieces ... in places that don't really matter ... except to fill time.

I don't have time ... to be wasting my time ... by spending my time ...myself ... tangled up in nothing.

For me that means hanging on to the pieces of my heart ... the treasures of ME ... and not wasting them in places that I know from the start aren't ever going to feel like home ...

Want to know what "home" feels like?  At least to me ... take a look at one of the BEST Thanksgiving movies ever ...
 

So I am rolling the dice ... taking a chance ... laying all of my cards on the table ... waiting on the what comes around from the unexpected boomerang release ...

... impatiently waiting patiently ...

What if I can't wait?!?

TURKEY!  ...turkey .. turkey .. turkey ...

http://www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com/
(c) Novemeber 2010

... from Thanksgiving ...

Look through different eyes for awhile

See the things that hide

Live through different feelings for a... minute

Feel things you were scared to

It all adds up

Welcome to my world.

~ Morgan Izzy Weir

November 2010

www.lifelessons-mj.blogspot.com

(c) November 2010