Thursday, April 29, 2010

Validations.....

Isn't it cool....when you actually "GET IT"....right....finally....how God then sends  you affirmation after affirmation....to let you know that, yeah, you GOT IT?!?!

My messages so far this morning....in response to yesterday's Sunshine Therapy results....no doubt:

CANCER: Thursday, Apr 29th, 2010 -- This can be a very satisfying day for you because you can express your feelings without seeming so needy that others want to retreat. In fact, your ability to love is currently based upon your need for freedom. It's one thing to ask for a bit of elbowroom now, but it still can be tricky to balance it with intimacy and security.

And here's another from a cool book my awesome niece gave me for Christmas a year or so ago: 

I remember one morning.  Getting up at dawn. 
There was such a sense of possibility.
We were going to do EVERYTHING.
Do you know that feeling?  I remember thinking,
"This is the beginning of happiness."
That's what I thought. 
"So this is the feeling.  This is where it starts.
And, of course, there will always be more."
It never occurred to me: it wasn't the beginning.
It was happiness.  It was the moment, right then.
~Clarissa in "The Hours" (David Hare, Screenwriter)
365 Nirvana - Here & Now

On This Day, God Wants Me To Know ....well, pretty much that it's ok for me to "be still" right now....somehow everything will be taken care of....and done....

Yeah....be still....that's been His message for quite some time now....but especially this week....it's been actually overwhelming....and impossible to do anything but that....to simply be still....

And now for the creme de la creme....in my inbox...

Subject: Surrender - Let Go & Let God Work

uh, yeah....a little hard to msinterpret that one, don'tcha think?!?!

And here's a little bit of the message that was contained there:

Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. Psalm 37:7 (GWT)


Surrendering your life means:

Following God's lead without knowing where he's sending you;

Waiting for God's timing without knowing when it will come;

Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide;

Trusting God's purpose without understanding the circumstances.

You know you're surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work. You don't have to always be in charge. Instead of trying harder, you trust more.

~ Daily Hope with Rick Warren (A Purpose Driven Connection)


So here I am....right where I am supposed to be....being still....impatiently waiting patiently....for the right time to find me here....at the right place....abandoned....surrendered.....trusting God....

Life is good!


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Sunshine Therapy

I get all of these cool messages....every day....from a variety of places....and generally I like them.  Today my first message was my On This Day, God Wants You To Know message.  It talked about contagious happiness. 

It made me smile.  Everyone knows that I have been choosing happy for quite some time....& lately, life has been ranging from good to very good on a regular basis. 

Yes, MJ is happy....pretty much all of the time....good things are happening!

Still there are those other messages....the ones that come from long ago, far away places....the ones that poke & prod until they get your attention....the insufferable voices that cause you to look down for just a moment....lose your balance....& next thing you know you are heading straight for the mud pit.

Had one of those experiences today.  Talking to a friend.  She was trying to be encouraging and I am not exactly sure how we got there....but without warning I was sharing with her one of those moments from my past....like way, way back in junior high past....that I have had buried very deep....

So I shared with her....THIS was said to me at a formative time in my life....& because of WHO said it, I believed it....followed by THESE THINGS that were said to me by someone who promised to love me "til death do us part"....surely he wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true, right?!....& again validated in recent times by someone important to me....who showed me by his actions that what I had always believed must HONESTLY be the truth....over and over and over again....

Suddenly the hopeful optimistic mood of the morning had dimmed....how in the heck did that happen?!?!?

Yeah, right....whatever....whatEVER....WHATEVER...what-eVV-er....

It was ugly....it felt awful....& I needed to put an end to the lies....once and for all.

So I hopped in the car....put the top down....& let the sunshine do it's thang....

It's important for those things that we bury to make their way to the surface.  So that we can look at them....and evaluate if they were ever valid in the first place....deal with them....even if it hurts a little bit....even if it hurts a lot....then toss them away!

Today I acknowledged....for maybe the very first time....the source of that undercurrent of uncertainty that has been dogging me for most of my life.  And you know what, I learned something important.  Those THINGS that were said to me....they really weren't about ME at all.  The things that were said....they were really about the person(s) who said it to me. 

Wow!  You have no idea how cathartic that was for me! 

Unhappy people do that, you know.  They take their fears, their uncertainties, their insecurities....& they project those onto others rather than address those things within themselves.  Generally their target is someone close to them....someone they really care about....it's just easier that way.  Because if they knock you down a notch or two....to their level of unhappiness....then they can somehow convince themselves that they aren't really unhappy after all.

And there you are....carrying that pack of lies around....& every chance you get....you add a little something  more to the load....because now it's your load....it belongs to you...after all, people who love you would never say things simply to hurt you....so it must be the truth....

Riding along....working through all of that...it became so confusing at times....to know the truth....then I remembered that confusion never comes from God.  And God is truth.  And even though Satan once was the beautiful angel....he is full of lies.

So in the words of my dad....I declared...."Get thee in my behind, Satan!"  And that made me smile....because it was always OK that the young Jerry never got it exactly right....

It's what's in the heart that matters, after all.

....and I unloaded....one lie at a time...and it felt fabulous....to feel free....to feel beautiful....

....and a whole bunch of walls came tumbling down. 

You are so close, MJ......came the whisper....

Where did that come from!!??! 

And softly again....you are so close....to the life you want to be living....

*Sigh*  Sure I remember....

The life I want to be living....there will be magic....and someone.....and lots of touching.....true, total intimacy.....and friends to laugh with, to cry with, to share our lives with....and work that is meaningful and full of purpose...and love!

....again, the whisper....Yes, that's it....you are so very close...

In that moment, I remembered the other message this morning.  The one from MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST that said , "Are you prepared to abandon entirely (to God), and let go?"

I had just abandoned....let go....of something that had been hurting me my entire life.  There's no doubt in my mind that today's April 28 message had been waiting there in the little book for close to 20 years....to be relevant to me TODAY.  

That's how God works.  He puts into place everything that we need....so that it will be there for us to find at exactly the right time.

Timing.  It's all about timing...and obedience. 

God nudged me .... Are YOU --- Mary Jane --- prepared to abandon entirely, and let go?

And I said, I'm not sure.

Heck, I am just being honest.

And the questions started....Can I do it?  What if this? What about that? ...On and on and on....and I got lost there...thinking about "unlimited" questions....

Hellloooo, MJ.  It's me, again.  Your best friend...Creator of the Universe.....enough with the questions....relax....let it go....let it all go...trust Me....

There it was.  Totally exposed.  Revealed.  The real problem ...it's the "abandon" thing.,,,because abandon means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions.

So I continued to drive....to let the sunshine do it's thang....& at some point I couldn't help it....I just laughed out loud...with my best friend....

You see, I know that He was riding along beside me....laughing in the wind....it was hilarious.....& God was laughing so hard at my stubborn, hard-headedness that He snorted...yeah....

He always does that with me....when we share a good joke....

Sure it was funny.  Because I had been making all so complicated....when it's really so very simple.

Abandon entirely.  Let it go. Give it to God. He's got it all under control.

I didn't wait for Him to ask me the third time...

I simply said, Yes, Lord. I will.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Rain....

It's Monday.  Someone I know believes that Monday is the BEST day of the week. That's so cool.

This morning I got up with every intention of walking....it will be three days in a row....trying to re-establish a habit that I have avoided since Pete left me....

It was raining....softly....gently....

Two times I went out to start my walk....both times I was met by the steady patter of the rain....today was simply not a "walking in the rain" kind of day....so I am opting for coffee instead....lots of coffee!

....and, of course, walking before I start my day NOW is not a valid excuse for not blogging.  I managed to fill up my day yesterday with busyness....avoiding the subject....which is silly....because much like walking, blogging allows me to sort through the clutter in my head & my heart.

It's been a tough couple of weeks....and I really don't know why.  Just a little "bluesy"....there was nothing I could put my finger on....one friend suggested that I was in a "funk"....

Just a feeling of uncertainity....about things....about myself...

There were a couple of days when I gave serious thought to the idea of  being "someone else"....

Thank you to the so many people close to me who wondered OUTLOUD why I would ever do that....reminding me of how great I am at being "me"....& how many people count on me simply being myself....

*Sigh*  yeah, right....if you say so....

What about the fact that "others" seem to always wind up with the things I think I want....that somehow I am always the one who impatiently waits patiently for whatever it is....and it never seems to materialize...

I did spend some time thinking about some of the specific "someone elses" that I might consider being....because of what they "have" that I think I "want"....& very quickly I realized that there was NO WAY I wanted to be that person....or that person....or any other person, for that matter....

And it didn't take but a nano-second to remember all the reasons why I really like being ME....because I do...like being ME....

There's a just a couple of things missing right now....in my life....

Guess if I have to be like them to have what they have....then maybe, just maybe, what I think I want really isn't right for me after all.

"Sometimes you give me too much credit."  (Excerpted from a recent conversation)

Ha.  I don't remember what I said at the time...but what I was thinking was "Sometimes you DON'T give yourself enough credit."

Recalling that exchange, I realize that I was really talking to myself.  I don't give myself enough credit.  Especially in those areas that continue to be   off-limits to me, somehow. 

It's hard to turn the voices off....you know the ones....that redundantly repeat those negative affirmations:  "you're not ______ enough" OR "you're not ________ enough" OR maybe it's "you're too" this or that....

Not going to share with you what MY voices say to me....sorry.  It's a little too personal.  Suffice it to say that there have been things said to me in the past by people who were "supposed" to love me that continue to conjure up insecurity & lack of confidence at times.

It's not a case of not liking myself.  Because I do.  Honest. 

I have spent a lot of time over the last few years sifting through the rubble of my life....reclaiming the things of value....discarding the worthless things....finding myself again....accepting all of my flaws as part of what makes me unique & special....much like the chaff & the wheat....

Still, recently,  I managed to find time for a big-time FISH FRY.....a surprise pity party....just for me.

By Saturday evening, I was exhausted....mentally....emotionally....knowing that there was NO good reason for all of this "funkiness"....so I took a mental inventory....and the good things happening in my life FAR outweigh my perceived "lack" of something....

*Sigh*  A promise is a promise....and God always keeps His promises.....so I know, without a doubt, it's just a timing thing....

And then I got to church yesterday....and my personal tag team was waiting on me.... Del + God....laying in wait for MJ....of course, I wasn't terribly surprised....it happens all the time....

Wishful thinking vs. Real Possibility .... that's where I had started my morning....very early....before I left the house...."what if"  vs. "as if."....struggling with the reality of the concept that  "just like that  everything changes"...

During the opening prayer, Del raised the question:  "How often do you allow circumstances or your inner voices to cause you to live "small"?"

Poke. Poke.  That's right, MJ....we are going to talk about YOU....and living LARGE....

Immediately I was totally humbled.  Of course, I am totally unworthy....of life, love, happiness, success, all of the good things God has planned for me....

Really? God prodded....tell ME why you are unworthy....strip away the facade....show me all of your flaws, your shortcomings, your hurts, your sins....OUCH!

As we sang, I remembered a time last year when I told a friend that I was thinking about making a change....a move, of some sort....a fresh start....and he said, "Really?  You'd just leave....go somewhere else?"

And I said, "Yes, that's what I do." 

I become restless....waiting on something to happen that never happens...so I move....searching....seeking randomly....often with no clear direction....empty....trying to fill the empty....

And God said, "Nope.  Not this time, MJ." 

Somehow I had to stay put....be still....and impatiently wait patiently for the right time to find me...to meet me....at the right place. 

Sometimes "moving" is a good thing....a proper action....other times, not.

So here I am....feeling a little stalled....despondent....unnecessary....

Someone I know is making changes....big ones....taking action....moving....motivated by the exciting possibilities ahead....and I am a little envious....I admit....of his adventure....

Who am I kidding?!?!  I am downright JEALOUS, dagnabit!

The question was raised, "Why didn't I do this a year ago?"

Simple answer.  Because it wasn't time.  You weren't ready somehow.  If you had gone there...been here...a year ago, you wouldn't be finding the same things there...or here...as you are finding today.

Life is a timing thing....always....and it's God's timing that counts....no matter how hard we try to do it for our ourselves...

So Del's message was actually about "baptism by fire"....the separating of the chaff from the wheat in our lives.  When you are "cleansed by fire" it will resonate in your heart....and you will understand....what God is trying to do in your life...

Now that's great sermon stuff...still....it's not really that simple....

Then Del said something so profound I almost came out of my chair....he said:

Breakthrough often feels lika a breakdown....there is always a definite "before" and "after".

It was like one of those movies where time stops.  And you step outside of yourself....God's there talking to you as you stare dumbfoundedly at the "frozen" you.  (God looked remarkably like Ryk...and that made me smile!)

And I knew....in that instance....EXACTLY what God has been trying to do in my life....

It's time for me to complete the process of getting rid of all that "stuff" that I've been storing up....that's not real....not important....and to simply allow myself to be ME....

Stop trying to change, MJ.  The only way to really change is to give up trying to change.  Your biggest problem isn't NOT being loved....it's not RECEIVING love....look around you.....God has put people in your life who love you EXACTLY the way you are....

Just be ME?!?....it's ok?!?....someone will love me just the way I am?!?!

That's what God said.      *Sigh*     

No disputing that.

And the common theme of the last few months came to mind....that it's relationships that matter...not things./..or success....or recognition....isn't that why God created us in the first place?!?!  To simply be in a relationship with Him?

He created Adam to worship Him....then He created Eve to join Adam....in relationship because it's not good for any of us to travel too long through life....alone....

Relationships come in all shapes & sizes....they don't all involve intimacy....all are important....it's not healthy to only have one relationship....that's obsessive....all of our friendships....our chance encounters...even our enemies represent relationships that mold who we are....and all of them are important....

I have been blessed with so many of those relationships:  friends....chance encounters....even enemies who have been integral parts of the "cleansing by fire" process....

And, yes, I long for that special someone who fits me perfectly....it's one of those puzzle pieces I keep searching for amidst the jumble on the table....

I didn't say a "perfect" someone....I said the one that fits me "perfectly"...there is a BIG difference....I am totally flawed....so it would be impossible for me to fit in with a "perfect" man...."very imperfect" remains high on my list of things I am looking for in a man....

It's all a part of the process....the cleansing by fire....separating the wheat from the chaff.  If you want to find energy in your life, you have to be willing to fall off the curb...to scrape your knee....to cry....to acknowledge the pain....to let it go....to heal....

Fire.  It's going through something...in your life...that you never thought you'd go through...and God says "I am taking all of your stuff...& burning it."  And it really hurts when He does that.  Like nothing else. 
And then you begin to look at yourself like you've never seen yourself before....as you become WHO you really are...who God created you to be...

As I was leaving, instead of the customary hug & smile, Del looked me in the eye and said "You know something about fire, don'tcha?"  And I mumbled, "Yeah. Just a little." 

I spent the rest of the day staying very BUSY....avoiding the subject....it really didn't work so well for me.

This morning two of my daily inspirational emails addressed the concept of  "admitting my shortcomings & confessing my sins"....and that was like a splash of cold water....

Stop coveting what others have, MJ....if it was really right for you, it would be right there....in your life....not over there in someone else's....

I am going to spend some time on that one....unloading my shortcomings & sins...at the feet of my best friend, God, Creator of the Universe...

I am certain He will laugh at me because He finds such delight in me simply being me....then He will whisper in my ear..."Never, ever forget, MJ....YOU are the prize!"

And now I get it....it's ok that the "funk" set in.... that the BREAKDOWN came because that means the BREAKTHROUGH is close...

It's all a part of me really & truly finding ME....finally....it's been a very long time coming!


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Sunshine....

Almost two weeks of glorious sunshine....

I've been distracted....a little off-kelter....not really sure of things....or myself....

So day after day after day of top-down weather has really been a blessing...

During the shoot of STEP AWAY FROM THE STONE, one of my new friends shared with me his prayer when he first joined the crew...he prayed that the relationships that were real would be advanced....and that the relationships that were not would be exposed.

It was timely & appropriate when he shared that with me.....and I have given it a lot of thought since then, too.

I knew that making the movie was going to be life-changing for me....as well as for others who were involved in the project.  However, knowing that something is going to change your life doesn't necessarily prepare you for what's going to happen next.

During the making of STEP AWAY FROM THE STONE I "lost" some good friends....they were very, very close to me....

Pete, the Mighty Dog, simply gave up the ghost.   He was old and had run his last mile.  The thought of him not being able to race from one end of the yard to the other chasing the C-130s simply wasn't an option for either one of us.  Sadly, I had to bid Pete farewell one morning.  I held him until his last breath had left him.  It was peaceful and sweet.   And I knew that I was saying good-bye to one of the most stubborn, hard-headed, loving creatures ever...to the one soul who loved me totally unconditionally!  I still get up every morning and open the door to let Pete out.  And I catch myself trying to get the door to the garage shut as quickly as possible to keep him from escaping into the neighborhood.  Last weekend when I mowed for the first time this season was when I knew Pete was really & truly gone....it just wasn't the same without him trailing behind me as I mowed...waiting to see if I would stop him as he moseyed out through the gate that I left open for him.  I miss Pete every single day.

My cousin died as well.  It was a sad, lonely death.  At the Memorial Service, the Priest observed that we should "all go" the way he did.  I am sure that he meant that somehow it was quick & painless.  Still, not to be found for days after passing is a commentary on a life that ended friendless & desolately.  It has made me realize how really precious the relationships in our lives are....and how terribly trivial are the material things that are so often the focus of our striving & desires.

Then there was the friend who simply managed to complete the wandering out of my life that had been happening over several months.  Actually, it was me who set the distance into place initially....hoping each of us would gain new perspectives....  Friends & quasi co-adventurers at times, we shared a large part of our lives & challenges with each other over the last year or so.... Some days it's really hard not to wander back into that place .... other days not so much.... All in all, it's best for both of us to follow our individual paths...

And then there was the friend who liked to play with sharp objects.  Honestly, I thought I could spot THOSE types a mile away....guess I let myself become complacent....because I was totally blindsided when I felt that familiar sensation that comes only from the knife being plunged so deeply into your back that it comes poking out of your chest.  

There also have been some amazing stories of hope....and restoration....in the lives of me & my friends....

And some incredible new friendships are flourishing from the experience as well....

Time will tell, I guess, how all the stories will unfold....

It is very cool....ALWAYS...to see God so faithfully answering our prayers....